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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Golden
Go Sam, keshaspearsxo, JustLuke, conatus & EuphorianSea! Am rooting for y'all.
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Aw yes 
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
After Matty yelling @ us then giving everyone the mostly-positive comments treatment, I legitimately can't tell if he was trying to spare our feelings or if he actually liked me song.
I appreciate if its the former because I can't take someone else @ing my song with negativity I'm melting down here.
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This week was the meanest I've been to you guys tho. I gave 4 6.5 and 2 8s.
I don't spare feelings, if I hated your song I would say so, but most were cringe/decent at best and this round is DEFINITELY the weakest by far.
I'm just too nice of a person.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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I want to sleep 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
I don't
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I'm loving you today
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Member Since: 2/15/2010
Posts: 26,154
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Ew @ 6 acting all high and mighty now. Do I really need to bump your meltdowns when you almost got evicted?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
I want to sleep |
Same...
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 ReviewsAin't Nobody - So there's some rap in here, that's an unexpected turn (I realize you've been mentioning it in the thread). I love that you had fun with it; it's a fun read and there was some nice one-liners and word play (I loved how you used your user name and the "dicks" line particularly). I like that you took the Bad Bitches story and made it into an empowerment song; although, I would have liked to have seen more actual story-telling like the challenge asked because the lyrics came across more as just a standard brag track with some slight details of a possible backstory added in (mostly this was all toward the end of verse two). A couple rhymes here do come across as forced (the "cake" "bake" "sake" lines in verse one especially) but I do think that rap is more forgiving of these rhymes as they set up a punchline in most cases. I do think the overall tone was slightly unfocused, the lines like the "dicks" line had me thinking it was more like a fun song, but other lines like the bombastic/monastic lines do come across as a bit too smart and incongruous. I do appreciate all the references allusions to rap tracks and allusions here though. Overall, I think you did a competent job.
Away - I think that the lyrics handled some very dark subject matter in a way that was affecting, without feeling over dramatic like the song may have ran the risk of becoming and I believe that's most likely because you took a more abstract, subtly poetic, approach in describing the story instead of outright providing narration. There are a couple lines here and there that come across as on the choppy side like "it ruined my mind on the journey to accepting" and the second verse as a whole. The line in the pre-chorus with the pouring after the blade line also hits me the wrong way, the image is definitely more grisly than the rest of the song and sticks out for that reason. Also, while I do like how the subject was handled, the story-telling aspect could be tighter; there is a clear description of events, there isn't as clear of a progression of events and reasons as to how then person in the song. Some minor details throughout, would only help and make the story more complete.
Gay - There are some rhymes here that do feel forced throughout. Sometimes, a forced rhyme can really trivialize what you are saying and make a line hard to take seriously (for example, the "call it a day" lyric in the first verse, feels like it should be emotional and hit hard, but instead feels a little too nonchalant. The rhyming structure does betray you a bit and makes for a couple lines that don't make sense or feel inappropriate in context (the third verse line that uses "septic" sticks out among the heartfelt observations surrounding it, and the "ma and pa" line doesn't seem to make sense grammatically. Also, structurally, some more internal lines, and maybe some consonance throughout could vary out the flow and make the song stand-out more. That being said though, there are sections of the third verse that are really strong, where you really get into a groove, open up, and have some incredible lines; the first couple of the third verse about God, the "grow old with"/"in public" rhyme and lines are my favorite lyrics from you yet, and some of my favorite that I have read in the competition, they're simple, direct, honest, and affecting. Although overall, as much as I loved the sentiment, the lyrics mostly do feel like a description or soliloquy than a story and .
Honeyeater - I liked the subtle birdsong reference in your first verse There is an inconsistent verb tenses running throughout though and this distracts from the overall message and feeling of the lyrics (once again the lyrics capture some very nice emotion with relatively straight-froward vocabulary and phrasing). For examples of the verb tenses see the penultimate line of the second verse, "you never return," which grammatically does not make much sense and conflicts with the past tense of the rest of the verse. The first verse also has a similar issue, as it begins "we woke" which implies past tense, but the "watch" and "feel" lines imply present.
One Room Rave - I do think you captured the nostalgia for home the song's story asked for. The little details (the shower, the burnt ramen, the "home's not so far away" line in the chorus" added into the lyrics backed up the story behind the song. The lyrics do a good job of fleshing out the story you chose, but didn't necessarily develop a plot out of it or further the story further. The chorus and the use of the song title also feel a bit out of place; they're interesting ideas and I can see what you may have wanted them to be and possibly represent, but it all only seems to be tenuously tied to the rest of the lyrics and I would have liked more exploration why this "one room rave" alleviates the pain of homesickness. Also, a couple lines don't quite come together, the first line of the chorus B seems like the dance partner is the headphones rather than the narrator is dancing with headphones on and it's difficult to see how the mom could know the narrator looked a bit thin after just a phone call.
One-Way Mirror - Good development in your story. There was a clear progression in how the narrator developed and felt throughout the course of the lyrics. I do also like the metaphor in your chours also, it fits the idea of the story well and the way it's written, I could see it being anthemic. There are a couple lyrics that could be cleaned up, the sixth line of the first verse has a choppy phrasing and the lyrics about moving on contradicts the rest of the verse about being attracted; the third line of the second verse also about the "soul appraoching, choking" structurally just makes is seem like the soul is choking down the smile on first glance. Overall though, you really captured that feeling of unrequited love well and told an interesting story based off it.
Over - Alright, there is a progression in story (that wasn't included in the submission) in the lyrics although the story didn't stray too far from the one provided. When you're dealing with a more serious song like this, you really want to make sure you maintain an appropriate tone and sometimes a forced rhyme like the "said"/"head" rhyme in verse one could throw off the serious tone, as could a line with some wordplay like "I chose the wrong choices" (even more serious is the line about "weaves" but I assume that's a Freudian slip or a typo). The soldier line in the chorus is possibly my favorite lyric from you yet, it really captures isolation and hopelessness.
Persephone - The reference to myth is an interesting one! It's endlessly cool that in a story-telling challenge, you not only incorporated the story you chose, you also pretty effortlessly worked in a story from classical mythology! There are also a couple great lines like the fruit and devil lines in the bridge that really worked to convey the story and bring everything together. There are a couple areas that could flow slightly smoother, the second verse in particular just seems to not be as smooth as the first, but overall, very well done
Red Lights - You told the story of a relationship as opposed to an individual which was an interesting take on the story; although there could have been more development beyond the general story outlined in the challenge. There are a couple lines that could be smoother here, like the second line of verse two which has a structure that doesn't quite work and the "foot on the break" line in the chorus sounds awkward in addition to a couple forced rhymes (break/heartache and hard/guard stick out to me) . My favorite part is the feelings you convey in the bridge, but the last line seems to not fit as well with the rest as well thematically.
Ring-A-Round - I would have liked a little more development in the story besides adding some detail and some times, but I do think that the repeating cycle was an interesting spin on things. I do think connotation is important when considering word choices, "ring-a-round" may come off as too playful a word to serve as a metaphor to describe the situation, but the narrator does seem younger so I think it works. Although, I am wondering about the "of the fate that I've woven" line in the bridge which does seem to put some blame on the narrator
Ship In A Bottle - It's pretty bright and I like the overall message of it and could see it doubling as a Disney or soundtrack song which works nicely with the ABC Family description. The story-telling is a little on the general side, but it works and there is a definite progression. I do think some of the language could have been chosen more carefully, "passive" black and white sounds redundant and I think a stronger song could result from more showing of traits rather than telling "fragile, small, and wanting to explore," seems week. In addition, the passive voice of "breaking down my walls of flaws" has an awkward phrasing and comes across as less powerful than something more actively voiced like the majority of the lyrics.
Stuck With Me- Well I do like the progression of the story here, although it is a bit on the generic side and does feel like a summary; you have the "monotone narration" line, but there are more interesting ways to make a story seem rote, less dramatic word choices to even out the tone is a suggestion. Also, the guy was downtrodden and coasting, but then just finally decides to take control? I feel like there is some development needed. I would have liked to see more development in the story there. I'm also not sure about "human land mines" as a lyric and "inner soul" is an awkward rhyme in the pre-chorus.
Tough Love - This was a topic that had to be dealt with carefully to not trivialize or make light of everything and you did a great job. The chorus especially is pretty affecting and captures some complex emotion with some accessible language. There are a couple moments that could flow better (I'm looking at a couple places in the verses like the last line of verse two and parts of the bridge) but overall solid progression of story, nice connecting everything, good detail, good control of language, nice job.
The Tree - I really like the approach you took with the story. Not going to lie, I had to go back and forth between the sign-ups with the story descriptions and your entry for a couple lines but the interpretation and use of the tree as the center was really Romantic. I did also really like how you developed at the story, alluding, or vaguely referencing events without outright stating them. There are parts of the lyrics that do read as rougher than previous entries (the "beer-stained clothes" line and the "standing tall..." line) but it was also one of my favorites in terms of story and word use to communicate the feelings of the song and set a tone.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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But, I can be MEAN if y'all want me too.
Serve another bad round next week and just see how low your scores are gonna be and how ruthless I will be in my reviews
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Member Since: 2/15/2010
Posts: 26,154
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN UP? COME ON TELL US. AND STOP WITH IN/ON BECAUSE I MAY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THAT BUT I STILL MAKE THE TOP 10. AND DON'T COME FOR MY ENGLISH WHEN AN HOUR AGO YOU CONFUSED MY WITH ME SO STOP BELIEVING YOU'RE PERFECT.
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Typo =/= not knowing English.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Golden
Ew @ 6 acting all high and mighty now. Do I really need to bump your meltdowns when you almost got evicted?
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Almost got evicted but never did
But okay Oscar Wilde, I'll take your word for it
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 9/2/2011
Posts: 21,728
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
I'm loving you today
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You should love me every day bitch
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
Con
At
Ass
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Con-Ass.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Yes the soldier line yes stan 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I basically pronounce it like TT outlined, but "con" is the first syllable 4 me.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Everybody hated parts of my song and then praised others as the "best of the round / the game" whew Lord 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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The fact y'all debating over who can spell better
What has this come to?
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Member Since: 2/5/2014
Posts: 29,111
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
I need a rap name.
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ConnoRtus come on now.
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