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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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I'll listen to Queen of Peace, then.
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Not too bad  I was hoping for a comment about the half rhymes though after you asked for me to try them  |
I considered commenting on that but decided not to 
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Ain't Nobody was my saving grace this week tbh.
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Member Since: 2/15/2010
Posts: 26,154
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
Yeah I guess  |
STAND UP for yourself. It is OK to question the judges.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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I waited, no plan, knife in my hand
If this is love then I can’t understand
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 ReviewsAin't Nobody : Now, this is clearly not a storytelling song, but in this tragic round, it was one of the most enjoyable entries. I loved reading it, it was well written, it had cute, quality punchlines and it had a good energy to it 
Away : The pre-choruses are one of the main highlights of this round imo. The intensity, the pace, your clever repetitions. The chorus was also beautifully written and I appreciated its simplicity and short length, it worked for the song. The verses and the bridge however are your worst work since Wrecking Ball. There was no meter, poor stressing, no standout lines and no cohesive message being conveyed. There was also not enough story developpment, so even though this is one of the better songs of this absolutely tragic round, it's definitely not a storytelling song.
Gay : This is the best bad song I've ever read in my life  It's so undeniably, offensively horrible that it's good, iconic and memorable I obviously can't give you a good score for this, but I'll never forget it, I promise
Honeyeater : This one had its good moments. I loved the imagery and how smooth the second verse is, I liked the general simplicity and feel of it and the chorus was also well written. But it's not a storytelling song. There's a story being told in the transition from the verse to the chorus, but that's not enough, especially given how rough the transition was and how there was barely any emphasis on "I feel alone and betrayed", which was in my opinion, the most important line of the short story you chose.
One Room Rave : I loved this, it's one of the best and most fitting entry of the week. The first verse is your worst work in the competition, it sounds plain, pedestrian, poorly written and the rhyming and stressing could have been better. Everything else was perfect, well written and fit the challenge. This is actually a storytelling song
One-Way Mirror : It was solid and had enough storytelling elements, especially in the verses, to make it qualify for the challenge. It doesn't stand out among your entries, probably due to the lack of standout lines and the fact that the execution of the storyline was quite predictable for the short story you chose or among the other entries, but it's good enough.
Over : This was a rather juvenile way to tackle the subject. "Give me one, give me two, why don't you give me ten" is an awfully simple way to present addiction. It's generally really plain, there are many dramatic lines in there (I threw myself, I'll let the w(e)aves take care of me), but they fail to convey emotion, maybe because no actual addict would actually talk about the downfall of his life in such a simple manner. I don't know...
Persephone : This was definitely a storytelling song, it fits the requirements and it's a good way to execute the short story you were given. The pre-chorus was a little sloppy to me, especially the second half, but the chorus makes up for it.
Red Lights : I liked the song. I'm not sure there was enough storytelling, but I liked it. Just make sure to watch for the rhyming, cause "other-further" and "again - pain" were not my favorites.
Ring-A-Round : This had the same problem as dwuw's entry. It was a little too simple and nonchalant to really convey the frustration, pain and disappointment of the story. It wasn't bad, but you can do better.
Ship In A Bottle : This was definitely a good storytelling song! It's not your best entry, but it does stand out well enough among the other songs in this round just for the fact it manages to develop a story. The "flowers" line was not my favorite, but other than that, the execution was good!
Stuck With Me : This is my favorite entry of the round. You really nailed it. There was CLEAR storytelling, clearer than in any other song, there was emotion being conveyed and from a technical pespective, it was one of your best and most carefully written. You keep getting better
Tough Love : I really loved the intensity of the song and it's one of the standout entries of the week. The second and third verse could use a little more work, because, while the content is very dramatic and essential to the storyline, you executed it with simplicity, which didn't necessarily work for me, but other than that, it was a good entry
The Tree : The song was definitely not bad, not even below average. The storytelling was there too, although I'm not sure this is the story I expected based on the short story you chose, but whatever. The main problem with this song is that its simplicity comes across as laziness rather than effortlessness. It's not polished or focused. The vocabulary is good, but not great. The storyline is there, but not fully presented or developped. It's still a good entry though.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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I want to go to bed.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Golden
STAND UP for yourself. It is OK to question the judges.
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Preach iT sis
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Did I build this ship to wreck?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
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Ain't Nobody: Now, this is clearly not a storytelling song, but in this tragic round, it was one of the most enjoyable entries. I loved reading it, it was well written, it had cute, quality punchlines and it had a good energy to it
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It has a story, I swear!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
I want to go to bed.
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At 10PM? How "bad bitch" of you
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
O this is my song btw. Everyone else might find it trash but I am proud of my concept and execution. 
Ring-a-Round
[Verse 1]
I felt the door slam at 1 AM
I knew they were at it again
Mom was mad dad had booze on his breath
They turned the house into a wreck
They raised their voices, and oh so loud
I locked my door to wait it out
Seems loneliness is my only friend
In a cycle that never ends
[Hook 1]
It’s like a ring-a-round
Round and round we go
If there is even an end
Then only one can hope
It’s like a ring-a-round
In a vicious loop
I’m at my wits end
I don’t know what to do
[Chorus]
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Over and over again
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Is there even an end?...
[Verse 2]
I heard the door slam at 2 AM
How’d I let this happen again?
I know he’s drunk cause it’s on his breath
We’ve turned our home into a wreck
We raise our voices, and oh so loud
Cause that’s how it always plays out
Seems emptiness will be all I’ll know
In a cycle that won’t let go
[Hook 2]
It’s like a ring-a-round
Up and down we go
There won’t be an end
Because it’s all we know
It’s like a ring-a-round
I want off this ride
It’s just one dead end
Where we’re both dead inside
[Chorus]
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Over and over again
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Is there even an end?...
[Bridge]
I’m stuck on repeat
Going through all the motions
I want to break free
Of the fate that I’ve woven
I’m stuck in a loop
Playing over and over
Tell me what do I do
I want it to be over...
[Chorus]
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Over and over again
I feel trapped, let me out
I want to escape
I feel lost, help me out
I’m going insane
I feel scared, that it all
Will happen again
Over and over again
Is there even an end?... |
I enjoyed reading this and think you did a good job. Well done
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
I want to go to bed.
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why do you go to sleep at 10PM
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
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Stuck With Me : This is my favorite entry of the round. You really nailed it. There was CLEAR storytelling, clearer than in any other song, there was emotion being conveyed and from a technical pespective, it was one of your best and most carefully written. You keep getting better
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TT, I think you mixed my comment up with someone else! 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
At 10PM? How "bad bitch" of you
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A bad bitch needs ha beauty sleep!
I'm counting dollars, man, **** them sheep!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
It has a story, I swear!
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It doesn't sis. The short story you chose is about a person who had a tough upbringing and is now a bad bitch because of that. There was none of that in your song. It was still a good song and I enjoyed reading it.
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Member Since: 2/15/2010
Posts: 26,154
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YES @ JustLuke getting the deserved praise from TT. Feelslikeadream's review of his song was a bunch of bullcrap.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
TT, I think you mixed my comment up with someone else! |
I didn't, I genuinely liked it
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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Tough Love : I really loved the intensity of the song and it's one of the standout entries of the week. The second and third verse could use a little more work, because, while the content is very dramatic and essential to the storyline, you executed it with simplicity, which didn't necessarily work for me, but other than that, it was a good entry
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Y'all hear that???
And yes, I really struggled with the second verse because the first verse had such a weird structure with lots of imagery so I was stuck because I knew we had to progress the story but how am I supposed to sdop[fkmeds
;flsa
So then I added a third verse and I was like **** this **** I might as well finish it
Thank you tho, I'm glad I was one of few who survived this week
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Mess I don't know if my review was good or bad
I've never tried drugs, how would I know?
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