Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Part 1A Part Of Me - The structure of the song is unconventional at first glance, nothing wrong with that of course. I did feel that you really didn't say too much interesting in the song though. There was a lot of internal dialogue for sure, but it felt more like a laundry list of things someone experiencing paranoia would say or experience and it went on too long that it became slightly too repetitive (in theme) to me. I almost would have loved if you had a more conventionally structured song with the verses describing a situation and the chorus undercutting with paranoia. I'm not going to score based off what I thought the song should be, obviously, but I did think that the song could have been more than narration. That being said, I loved the chorus and thought it was strong and the last two lines made me feel more paranoia than most of the verses.
Around The Fire - You always have a line or two that catch me off completely off guard and leave me questioning whether you're writing deeply philosophical koans to ponder for hours in your songs intentionally. This song has the highest ratio of these lines to more straight-forward lines I have seen yet (it's chock-full of them this time around). The whole song seems to make sense as long as you don't think about it; the more you do, the less sense things make (You were making me go out of my brain). For the most part I do think it works for you, for the most part, and this all gives your songs a quirky vibe and unique personality that I really like, but I would suggest fixing up the flow at the end of your verses, it makes the verses feel incomplete to me and I also think that the first part of your second verse would be stronger if it maintained the rhyme scheme of the first verse.
Battleground - I like how you showed us the song's theme of depression. I think it made the song a lot more effective. Your story-telling was solid but the writing itself could have been slightly tighter. Not a deal-breaker at all, but you have an inconsistent verb tense a couple times in your verses (see that "Rushing" line in your second verse when everything else in that verse is past tense and possibly the "falling" line in the first verse).
Beautiful & Deadly - I do like the approach you took with beauty. I really love the third and fourth lines of your second verse and the angel wings and devil horns line in the hook. I do feel though like it was slightly unfocused as a whole, like you could have taken one of your metaphors and ran with it, but it's cohesive enough to work.
Birdsong - It seems like you took a different approach here. The imagery is more intense, your word choice is more poetic, and the song feels more dramatic as a whole than previous entries. That being said there are a line or two that are a bit choppy: the second line in verse two, he last line of the chorus, and the second line in verse one. I'm not sure if I also feel the impact of the birdsong, but I think your imagry was strong enough to make up for that, just remember to get the point of your song across.
Broken Wounds - The song was very silly, but I have no problem with that. I found it entertaining and novel and I thoroughly enjoyed yout line about showing her what it means to be a friend in the chorus and the voodoo line in the pre-chous. I thnk there are a couple clunky phrasings here: lines 1 & 2 of the first verse, the use of rapport in verse 2, and the war line at the end of verse 2 (it feels out of place and tone). I am also confused as to who the narrator is and the love/friendship interest. It seems to me that the narrator is sending some random person to befriend/love the witch based off the pre-chorus. But I thought.
Butterflies - The last line in verse one with the rhyme on "participation" immediately stuck out to me. The phrasing of the line feels unnatural and I think these unnatural phrasings make a rhyme feel forced and predictable. Watch out for those and maybe consider a near-rhyme. I do like how you used your "beginning" theme and I liked your approach overall (the syncopate line was pretty nice and natural). You also did a great job of showing the emotion and feeling of the song rather than stating it outright.
Don't Hold Your Breath - Good overall approach to the "End" topic, I like that it wasn't just about a failed relationship and you tried for more here. At times, the song did feel like more of a list of advice, and platitudes and it might have been stronger and more relatable with more of a story (like the one hinted at in the pre-chorus) but as is, it just feels like we have to take the advice because the narrator essentially says: "trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
Fire's Beat - One of your strengths I think is that you really are able to communicate the feelings of your songs well. I know exactly the emotions you are conveying and you are a great story-teller. I liked the violent imagery you brought to the beast theme you had, it fit, but may have just gone slightly over the top. There were also some rough edges in the songwriting; the "deer rhyme" might be forced, and the flow in some spots could be smoothed out, the dialogus in the verses felt most inconsistent to me.
Fairy Tales - It's charming that your definition of forever as outlined in the bridge is past 40. Ordinarily, I would criticize that line, but I think it fits for this charming little song. It's not perfect, there are a couple lines that are difficult to follow and have awkward phrasings (the first two lines of the first verse, last two lines of the pre-chorus especially), a forced rhyme or two, and some iffy grammar, but it just had this optimism and youthful brightness that hard not to completely love. I'm sold on everything you had to say here.
Just A Dream - Your imagery is great. It's been consistently powerful and the song had a great flow. EVen though your lyrics are more abstract and figurative at times you still have some very accessible ones like the awkward glances as a sign of romance line. Very well done.
Hold My Soul Tonight - I couldn't help but feel like you were getting self-reflexive in that second verse, referencing the writing process. Anyway, I like the disjointed approach you took. Did the song make sense and have a logical flow? Nah, not really at times, but that all made great sense thematically for a song about a nightmare. You are definitely improving from week to week with the structure of your songs and I respect that. I like the repetition of sounds that you got going here, it really has strengthened your verses. Just watch out you're using the right words, "amity" means friendlyness and you may have been going for "emnity." Also, there are still an odd phrase or two that don't flow well with the rest of the song, check that last line of verse one. Also, the second verse is written better, while the first verse feels the more thematically coherent
Lucid Control - I read this as like some dark trip-hoppy song. The lyrics are definitely more abstract here. I'm not sure I'm feeling some of the repeated lines, the "boys will be boys" line, and the "we were always meant to be" line, as they seem to throw off the tone (which was solidly unsettling overall for me) for me.
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