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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
The way Drake looks in that picture does things to me, halp
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Drake does things to everyone sis
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Batch #2Candlelight - I always like reading your entries. There's really not much to say for me about the structure of the song. It felt on the folky or acoustic side to me and I liked the tone of it. I gotta say that I loved how you used the candle theme, it felt natural, and I especially loved the outro. The only thing I would say is that some of your language here felt a little too showy and slightly out of place for the more straight-forward emotions on display here (I get what you were going for with the pyromaniac line for example, but the rhyme in context does feel slightly forced and the word too large and technical to fit). These lines are few and far between though in a great entry.
Deep Within - Once again, your choice of words here is great. For the most part, your words were simple and set up a searching and reflective tone. Now, you seem to be trying to convey a more universal feeling in this song so I would refrain from overly technical words like "refract" as it is used it the bridge and go for something more accessible. Other than that, I think the extra bridge and chorus might make the song a little repetitive for me especially since your chorus is powerful enough on its own to get its point across simply and effectively.
Eggs - You know, I'm not sure if I'm feeling the title. It's a personal thing, but I always think ofuncooked eggs first and foremost. That being said, I love the story-telling you cooked up here, it helps make the specific situation you described relatable. You walk us through the story with ease and that chorus goes from sweet memories to melancholy in the best way. I didn't have a problem overall with the pacing of the song, but there are a couple lines that disrupt it slightly. The fourth line in the first verse sticks out to me because switches to an implied first person while the remainder of the verse is in the second. I also, thought the first half of verse two was slightly weaker than the first in its phrasing and I almost would have liked another chorus at the end, but nice work!
End This Show - I think you may have adhered to a song structure to a fault here. You have a consistent rhyme scheme and meter, but I miss some of your JustLuke-ness here. Granted, I am looking at this song on its own merits apart from your other entries, but I do miss personality in here, especially since this song is more on the heart-felt and personal side. There's a lot of narration here and a lot of listings of descriptions, but it feels impersonal.
I'll Remember Forever - I'm guessing that the tie to the theme comes from the nostalgia from the past summer or maybe the cloudy relationship. I do like the overall message of what you say here (I particularly like what you say in the last line of the pre-chorus). I do think that the pre-chorus doesn't quite fit with your chorus, the pre-chorus speaks of two same forces repelling each other, but then the chorus speaks of the two growing apart and there is an implied slowness to this. It was just enough to take me out of the, otherwise believable, song.
Ocean Lips - I'm a huge fan of the imagery here. Some of the water related words were beautiful and gave the song a fantasy feel which worked to describe a certain love with "ocean lips." That being said, I'm not sure if I feel "ocean lips" being the central image though. Be aware that the ocean can connote saltiness and sand; and lips (while nice) really aren't the thing we think of first when it comes to love, sure they can be a bonus, but other aspects of a person are easier to connect with (eyes, hands, the whole body, face, soul). The ocean lips and description in the chorus and intro is also on the cutesy side and, well, I don't know if that fits with the otherwise powerful romantic imagery in your verses
Sea And Thunder - Firstly, I love the title. It's dramatic and I like how your song uses those dramatic words throughout and this gives it a consistent tone. I also love how you go from describing the "I" to the "you" in your two verses which gives the song a nice cohesion. Although, the repeated light metaphor in verse two might be overdone, it feels slightly repetitive. If anything, I would make sure you escalate the metaphor from small ("flashes" to big "expanse"). I do also think since your second verse has lines that all end in the same sound, the first verse could be stronger with that addition as well. I do also think the outro takes us out of the element of the song. You do such a good job showing the relationship, but then you just end by telling us how it is, which makes the song end on the weaker side to me.
This Candle Is Our Love - There are a couple parts here that feel rushed. I came across a typo or two (like the first word: "your" and the grammatically incorrect "ignite" line in the chorus). Also, a couple of the similes and metaphors feel off (in the first couple chorus lines - the repetition of the word heart makes the simile ineffective). There are a couple difficult to follow lines also (the icy repetition in verse 2) and a line or two that feel a little too sweet (see the ending of verse two) and a couple lines almost feel disconnected (in the chorus). I like the central metaphor and your third verse is the strongest.
Trigger - Well, the subject of the song is on the darker side even if it's written in a poppy way. I do feel a disconnect between the chorus and verses, the verses are more abstract and theoretical while the chorus is very specific and I don't know if the difference between the two works for the song. If anything, I think the second verse would work better thematically for the song. I have to question the intent for the song, but besides the verse-chorus conflict it's pretty tight.
What You Feel - I think you might be stretching it with the inspiration. That being said, I actually quite liked a majority of it. The first part of the verse (the first impression) aren't the strongest, but it picks up halfway through the chorus at the second line (which is pretty nice in how conflicted and second-guessing it is - I know I can relate to saying something similar) and is pretty direct, frank, but still has a fun air to it. Not too sure about Chris Patrick here, it feels slightly forced, but it's playful sounding enough in context.
Batch #3
Dreaming Of You - I loved the progression of the seasons in your song and the sense of waiting it brought. It also brought a melancholy element to the song, because, as the seasons (long periods of time) passed the character is still waiting. Your incorporation of the picture was also very natural and pretty inspired. There are a couple lines here that could be phrased more effectively: the first line of the chorus for example, could be phrased as if the person is the one looking through the window, instead of just a pair of eyes. But, thematically, the first verse makes it appear that the narrator is the one who hurt the other person (he made them cry), and yet the narrator is the one waiting for the other to come back. It does appear to be consistent slightly. Overall though, nice entry. Your word choice felt completely natural and appropriate.
Flame Out - The imagery here supports a theme of loneliness, but it is hard to feel anything in the lyrics beside that loneliness since that is the only thing described in detail. There are tragic events hinted at, but none really shown. I think, to have a emotional song hit the reader/listener showing, through examples (doesn't have to be long), rather than directly telling the audience what to feel or what is happening is more effective and affecting. That being said, your song had a decent structure to it and your word choice was effective in creating a haunted atmosphere.
Flowers To Burn - There are a couple lines here where the rhythm is inconsistent. It starts strong with your first 2 lines in the verse, but is inconsistent after. There was also more of an abstract approach to the lyrics here in parts (like your second line of the second verse might be) but it conflicts with the other parts of your song which are more straight-forward. In addition, the chorus and the verses could benefit from a tighter structure as well. I did like the natural imagery used throughout the song, it gave it a lived in feeling.
Hula Hoop - That chorus is really campy. I love everything about it, it definitely works and almost feels like a high octane K-Pop chorus. I'm not sure though how the astronomical verses relate besides being bound by similar laws of physics as a hula hoop (or maybe they're both rings around other things?). I do think the disconnect makes the song come across as unfocused; that being said, I do like the places you took your verses, they just feel like parts of a different song (although the flow of the verses could be tighter).
Hurt You Back - You brought anger to your lyrics, I could pick up on that, I respect that visceral emotion like you show in your chorus. Still though, make sure the flow is more consistent especially in lines 12-14. There are a couple rhymes also that might feel forced, like the very last two of the song, in addition to the last two of the first verse. It does mellow out the angry tone, to go over a rhyme like that so watch out for that.
Painkiller - I do like your metaphor here, it has been done before true, but I liked the specific details here, like referencing various pain killers. The bridge was a killer and the song was tight overall with your theme. A couple lines did hit me: the first line of the chorus feels off and that may be because of the passive voice used in describing the pain, and I'm scratching my head over the use of "fanatic rather than addict!" It's a solid entry overall with excellent user-name/song-title synergy.
Purchase Me - The chous and outro were amazing, if slightly nonsensical (if your love is a currency, what is the love interest purchasing you with? Currency/your own love?) I don't mind the slightly nonsensical lyrics, here the nonsense lyrics are pretty fun as you double down on them and repeat them often enough that they grew on me and I could see singing along to them. I also liked the story you told in this one, it was just so off-the-wall but filled in with these little details (like the price in the first line and the tip percentage) that sold me. There was a clunky phrasing or two as well as a grammar mistake or two, but well done, I had a smile on my face while reading
Same Place - The lyrics were very poetic, maybe a little too much so for me. I did get a powerful sense of the movement of time and the feelings of an adult reflecting on younger times, but there are parts that flow well, and other parts that have a more inconsistent flow (see the first and second parts of the bridge. The first part seems to be choppy while the second, especially the dark-bark rhyme, is smoother)
Tree - What a deep title!  Messing aside, I do think that the song might be slightly on the unfocused side. I'm not sure the first part of the chorus works here, the painting lyric feels random considering most of the song is about filling in a family tree and you would think someone asking another to help fill in their family tree would already know quite a bit about the other person (including favorite color). A couple rhymes feel a little too easy (the "start" rhyme in the pre-chorus and "greet" in verse 2), but overall, I did like the structure of the lyrics and the idea of asking a person to help fill a family tree.
Window Pane - You start out strong with a nice opening line, but the rhymes in the first verse do feel slightly forced here (the one in line 2 especially). The first verse also, seems to be linked by a card analogy, but that doesn't seem to take off anywhere else. The song does pick up as it progresses and becomes more thematically even (although the incorporation of the window inspiration into the lyrics felt a little like an afterthought).
Untitled - The way this song progresses is incredible.  It starts out near Springsteenian in its description of working-man blues and then rips off its work uniform as quickly as it can to twerk until they turn out the lights. It's like if the Turn Down For What music video wrote a song. It was a crazy ride reading this, and I loved the free-wheeling atmosphere of the whole thing. I did get slightly lost in the chorus and how the second part of each chorus was not consistent, but the whole thing kept up a pace and structure that was good enough that it didn't distract from the ridiculous ride of the lyrics.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 23,128
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
C'mon part II  |
I always forget there's a part 2 (and sometimes 3).
Song titles in the beginning of the alphabet >>>>>
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
Pears, you can sabotage yourself and get eliminated the week before |
Wait didn't I try that last week?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
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THE COVER 
Listening 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Generally positive review 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Wait didn't I try that last week? |
Wait. You didn't?
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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C'mon champagnepapi
Edit: oops
Thanks for the review! I will take that into account for next round. I have a weird feeling when I write straightforward lyrics rather than poetic because I am not good with them (not saying that I'm all that better with poetic ones)
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
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I Want You
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Tymps., I really like Breathe Without Air.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Tymps. I like the instrumentals 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Mixed reviews all round, yass!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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I honestly cannot call it on who I think could be going. Yikes.
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 476
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Bloomers
11) Roses - I liked the story you told here as well as the interesting (and pretty crushing) conclusion to the song. The pacing was pretty great thoughtout, with a good rhythm, and it was easy to follow and pick up emotion from. If I have a criticism, it's that the first two lines of verse one, don't feel as smooth and well-phrased as the rest of the song (the more passively phrased first line especially contrasts with the actively voiced majority of the rest of the song)
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Eventually a good review!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
I honestly cannot call it on who I think could be going. Yikes.
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You 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
You |
Not with my immunity! You tried it, henny! 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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3 acclaim, one generally positive and one mixed! And considering I was top 5 last week with only one acclaim I should do well this week
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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All my reviews are positive 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
Not with my immunity! You tried it, henny! |
Oh ****
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