2009-04-07
U.S. Tour Dates Announced
World renowned fashion design icon Tina Knowles has announced the dates to her 2009"I Am... Going To Skull Drag You" World tour. During the tour Tina Knowles will be performing some of her greatest skull draggings, ass whoopings, and ass stompings with a few surprises. The tour kicks off in Atlanta, GA where Tina is scheduled to skull drag T-Boz, Keri Hilson, and Ciara at the Waffle House parking lot. The tour will hit Waffle House and iHop parking lots across the country with stops in Miami, Tampa, Atlanta, New Orleans, Greensboro, NC, Kansas City, Washington, DC, Baltimore, New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, and will end with Tina skull dragging bitches at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas for a whole week.
The official Tina Knowles fan site will also be selling exclusive VIP Concert Tour Packages that won't be available anywhere else. The VIP Package includes:
- Meet and greet package
- Free picture with Tina Knowles with 2 poses. The "
jail pose" and the "
prom pose"
- VIP buffet and reception including a Newport, half a red plastic cup of Grey Goose, and your choice of Cheetos or Doritos.
- Free copy of "Solange and the Hadley Skreet Dreams"
- $700 worth of Miss Tina Merchandise
- 2 Free passes to see "Obsessed" at the "good" movie theater, not the "urban" one where the niggras talk to the screen and talk on their mobile phones and do all kinds of ignorant ****. I mean why the **** would you pay $10 to sit in a theater to show people how stupid you are?
Tina released this statement:
"I am excited to be able to tour the country skull dragging hating-ass, smart-mouthed chicks. For years people have been talking about slick about my firstborn, and for years I have dreamed of the chance to be able to travel around the country and skull drag hoes for running off at the mouth, and now my dream has come true. I have been rehearsing very hard for the tour, skull dragging Solange back and forth in my driveway trying to get it just right because it's been awhile since I have had to skull drug a ho. I have been so busy with my business endeavors, but I felt that now is the time for me to take my business wig off, and put on my ass-stomping ponytail and skull drag a couple of bitches."
Tina had a press conference early today where she answered several questions about her upcoming tour.
Press: What exactly is a "skull drag"?
Miss Tina: A Skull drag is when you grab a ho, male or female, by the head, usually by the lacefront, track, and/or quick weave and drag him or her from one location to another. This is usually done in parking lots, skating rinks, or club bathrooms. Back in my day we didn't do a lot of talking. You said something slick, you got mollywhopped, and there were no hard feelings afterwards. Chicks these days be tiptoeing, and double-talking, and saying one thing and meaning another thing, and I just don't have time for that. You say what you mean, I slap you cockeyed, then it's over. As Lauryn Hills said, "It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard."
Press: Have you ever "skull drug" anyone
A: Oh yes, I used to skull drag bitches all the time before I had kids and began conducting myself in a manner befitting a classy lady of Dereon.
Press: What is the purpose of this tour?
Miss Tina: Beyonce has been slinging her lacefront around for over 10 years and she runs ALL this **** now, so a certain level of respect is due. And I will tour the country skulldragging bitches until she gets the respect she deserves. See if I let this slide then people are going to start talking reckless then Imma have to turn my wig around, and go in my purse, and POP! POP! POP!, and I told myself I wouldn't do that...
Press: Why doesn't Beyonce just skull drags these ladies herself?
Miss Tina: She has a tour, a movie to promote, videos to shoot, photoshoots, and she has to replace the engine in Michelle's Honda Civic, Beyonce got **** to do! While these chicks are talking about what they WOULD do, or what they WISH they could do, or what they USED to be doing, Beyonce is getting money. Also, Beyonce isn't skull dragging with me because she don't know when to stop. Have you ever seen one of those angry chimps at the zoo just jump on a ***** and rip his face off and not let go? That's Beyonce. Once she pounces on yo' ass, she won't get off you until you're in a coma. I'm not trying to hospitalize a bitch, I'm just trying to teach a lesson. Beyonce ain't got good sense. That's why I don't party with her no more. She's my daughter, and I love her more than I love Hennesey and thug ****, but the chick is crazy.
Press: What is your beef with Ciara?
Miss Tina: This is about the 3rd time in less than a year that she has talked out of the side of her mouth about my first born. Ciara seems to have forgotten who the #1 diva in the game is and seems to think that her and Beyonce are equals. HA! She contradicted herself. She said she comes up with new and orginial ideas then in the same breath she says she was inspired by Theirry Mugler. Like she knew who Thierry Mugler was. Like he knows who Ciara is. Me and Thierry are tight! I call him Thierizzle! We been kicking it since last summer! We write on each other's Facebook walls EVERY DAMN DAY! and he ain't ever mentioned Ciara. I like Ciara, I love Ciara, Goodies is still my ringback tone, but it seems as though Beyonceitis has eaten away at some of her memory cells. Maybe if I knock those
slave-ass braids out of her head she will regain some of her memory. Let's keep it 100. Even if you did THINK of the idea first it ain't like you have the budget to pull it off therefore anything you do will ALWAYS look like something you bought at a Beyonce garage sale. So furthermore I suggest she watch her mouth and stop tryna act like she is better than everybody else before...
Press: You put a ring around her damn eye? You said that last week.
Miss Tina: I know, it just applies to so many situations.
Press: Ok. What's your problem with Keri Hilson?
Miss Tina: I don't even want to speak on that. When she sees me she just needs to fall on the ground cause it's going to my foot and her ass, but mostly my foot.
Press: What's your issue with T-Boz?
Miss Tina: Look I don't have a problem with T-Boz, X-box, Icebox or whoever. Again, I love T-Boz. I love TLC. She used to be my favorite. If my face were a different shape I'd rock that haircut she rocked from 1992-until early fall of 2004.TLC was my ****! There's nothing wrong with expressing an opinion, but sometimes it's about the timing. If this had been 1996 maybe I would care about what you have to say, but me asking T-Boz for music career advice is like asking Chris Brown for relationship advice. And although she was in a very successful girl group, her comments seemed a little salty. Maybe if she would have had a "Matthew" as her manager she wouldn't have to sell her belongings or anything else. Say what you want about Kelly or Michelle, but at least they got to release solo albums and perform and tour as solo artists, and they might not be doing jackshit right now, but those royalty checks come err month. Yes, ERR month. Kelly and Michelle might not be as famous as Beyonce, but at least they're not wondering what could have been, and they can still have respectable careers because they can sing LIVE. Yes I said it! You know where to find me! Hadley Street all day errday! It may have looked like favoritism, but if it were truly just the "Beyonce Show, starring Beyonce" then Kelly and Michelle's albums would have NEVER come out and they would have been kicked to the curb the day "Dangerously In Love" debuted at #1. And don't say it was because of the contract because if Justin Timberlake can duck and dodge N'Sync for 10years we could've dodged a Destiny's Child reunion too. I get so sick of people saying "Why doesn't Matthew get Kelly and Michelle on this award show or talk show like he does for Beyonce?" It's not about getting somebody on award show it's about that show WANTING to have you. If it were that easy then I would have opened the Grammys this year doing the "Stanky Leg". If you don't attract viewers then you won't get booked on these shows. Point. Blank. Period. Do you know how many 2 for 1 award show deals we've done? How do you think Solange got on Fashion Rocks last year? How do think Kelly got on the BET Awards? We said we'll give you Beyonce but you gotta take these other chicks too. If you recall Beyonce didn't perform new material at Fashion Rocks or the BET Awards. She didn't have an album to promote at the time. If we were truly the heartless, selfish people that we are portrayed as then Beyonce would have just said "**** them" and Kelly wouldn't have been on stage at the BET Awards. That was Beyonce's vacation time! She had scheduled a weeklong dickdown session with her man, but she cancelled it because of Kelly's album. That's true friendship right there to make you cancel some dick. A manager can only do so much, it's up to the people to support you. If people care so much then they should just buy the albums instead of bitching about a topic that has been beaten to death since 2000.
Press: Why are you so angry Tina?
Miss Tina: I'm not angry. I'm just a businesswoman. If you are going to use Beyonce's name for publicity you need to cut her a damn check and she hasn't received a check, a money order, prepaid debit card, Blockbuster card, library card, or nothing from any of these chicks, yet we have given them more attention then would have gotten on their own so either they send some money or I'm taking a handful of their weave. Maybe we need to start a publicity program or something. Like for $50,000 these C and D list celebrities can sit with Beyonce at a basketball game, or walk down the street with Beyonce or something and have your picture taken and posted on blogs to make them appear relevant.
What do you think? 
...I guess it was all about Justin
.....Tina u better keep this bishes in line...They talking slick about your first born 
...I be Damn to cancel some quality time with My Man, because a Bish can't' get a Gig 
