Note: Obama, Woody, and Goodell are all presented here in comically exaggerated proportions. But not Bono. He really looks like that.
1. Bono and U2 The Tom Friedman of rock and the rest of his band collaborated with Apple to strong-arm their new album into your iTunes library without your consent. You couldn't even delete it! Apple had to send out specific instructions for how to wipe Songs of Innocence (God, that title) off your computer. The worst part was the way both Apple and U2 treated this, like it was some kind of noble gift to The People; in fact this was a $100 million marketing campaign. Yes, $100 million to turn U2's socially conscious dad-rock into a piece of direct mail.
2. Barack Obama Why are you still on Martha's Vineyard?! Missouri is BURNING. Putin is conquering Europe. The CDC is playing nude Twister with Ebola patients. U2 is forcing bad songs on everyone. The NSA won't stop watching me masturbate. I need you ON THIS. Are you even president anymore? When Obama got blasted for golfing shortly after ISIS beheaded journalist James Foley, he said, "I should've anticipated the optics." How do you win the presidency without knowing that golfing makes you look rich and indifferent?
5. Zach Braff
9. CNN They're still looking for that ****ing plane! Is it in the ocean? Did it travel to another dimension? WAS IT A ZOMBIE PLANE?! We need to put the folks at CNN out of their misery. I can get better news standing at a goddamn bus stop.
16. Johnny Depp Here's a crazy idea: What if Johnny Depp played an actual human being—one who could plausibly exist in real life? Not a dude living inside the Singularity. Not a rock-star pirate. Not a surrealist take on Hunter S. Thompson. An actual person. Can he even do that? Or is Johnny Depp just some kind of advanced mascaradroid prototype?
Why is Zach Braff top 5?
