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Discussion: Transgenders? Should they...
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 6,425
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Transgenders? Should they...
Should transgender people tell their partners what gender they were born with biologically. (Like hook-ups and long term relationships)
I got curious on what it felt like to have sex with a transgender woman vs cis woman 
Came across this...
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I had a FWB that I had met online and had been active with for several months that turned out to be post-op. Her vulva was a little flat and square and there was a gap between sides. I didn't think much of it though because everyone looks different there.
We used lube when we had sex and her orgasms were over the top and I am fairly certain she would fake it for my enjoyment. As for the feel it was tight and the tip of my penis would rub against some kind of lip toward the back. Missionary the lip was unnoticeable but during doggy it would start to be hard to ignore.
As a side note the way I found out sort of sucked. We had been hanging out for several months and we went to our favorite bar to grab a drink when we ran into a group of her friends. When I introduced myself they all acted pretty odd then a couple of them called her by a different name. Later in the night I go to the bathroom and one of the girls from her group of friends catches me by the bathroom and tells me everything. Her friend was a gossipy bitch.
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The comments
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Is it wrong of me to feel that it's a **** move on her behalf to be sleeping with a man and not have told him that she is post-op trans? I know a lot of men, myself included, wouldn't be open to the idea of sex with someone that is. It has nothing to do with my objection to their sexuality nor the fact that they change their gender, merely I couldn't get past the feeling that they are still a man.
Albeit, it must be very hard for post-op women to tell a potential male partner that they are trans and would very often be met with rejection, but they should consider this a reality before opting for the surgery. If it were me that found out one of my partners had previously been a man I would feel utterly betrayed.
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She isn't "still a man" though. Does her DNA still contain a Y chromosome? Yes. But how often does the cellular level really concern your day-to-day life? Her body is of a woman, and more importantly, her mind is of a woman. Go look up the scientific studies of MRI scans on trans people some time; you will be enlightened. A pre-op transwoman has the mind of a woman in the body of a man. Once they're post-op, it becomes the mind of a woman in the body of a woman. The only disparity is at the cellular level.
Now granted, if you're looking for a long-term partner with which to have biological children with, then that may be a disqualifying factor for you, but otherwise, it's really not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be.
If it were me that found out one of my partners had previously been a man I would feel utterly betrayed.
There are way, way, way worse things that can happen to you than discovering that one of your past sexual partners has male DNA.
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If you're attracted to her, why do you care? Also, do you expect a life story from all FWB? Just curious. Interesting case in labels and self-identification.
I think you hit the nail on the head with it being hard for transwomen to tell a partner. If they read the situation wrong, it could end very, very badly. Trans* people, according to some stats, have a 1 in 12 chance of being murdered. (Lost source, sorry.) According to HuffPo, the murder rate for trans* people is 50% higher than lesbians or gays.
So yeah, ideally we could all tell our partners everything without being judged. But unfortunately, that's not always a good option. If one of your crushes happens to be trans, I wouldn't take it personally.
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Thoughts?
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Banned
Member Since: 3/3/2012
Posts: 13,073
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I guess it depends on the partner, like if you were transgender, would you like to date someone that's pretty ignorant outside the gay category? I'm sure most transgenders look for people who are open minded and wouldn't freak out.
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Member Since: 4/25/2011
Posts: 41,661
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Of course.
Betrayal leads to something worse so don't even try it
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Member Since: 5/18/2012
Posts: 20,576
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If it's a long-term they should.
Like what if he or she wants children biologically.
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Member Since: 8/24/2008
Posts: 35,091
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Yes if not for the fact that not telling could get you kidnapped and beaten in a gutter somewhere.
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Member Since: 5/7/2012
Posts: 41,067
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imo it depends on whether they've had bottom surgery or not. If they haven't I think they should tell them on the first date/when things start to take a romantic turn. If they have had the surgery I think there is a lot more leeway and they don't need to tell them at first although obviously if it's looking like it might be a permanent thing they should inform them so they know they can't have bio children. I'm not trans though so it's really not up to me to decide.
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Member Since: 1/3/2014
Posts: 6,966
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****, they better. Some ppl don't play about stuff like that. If their partner finds out afterwards, you don't know what said person might do.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 6,425
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Quote:
Deep breath... I speak for my own experiences, and do not pretend to speak for other post-op women. I am not using the word trans in this conversation, as I want to solely focus on the fact that cis and pos-op women should be treated as equals, not something lesser.
I am a post-op woman myself (had it in 2008), and I have had intimate relations both pre and post-op with cis and post-op women (and the occassional guy).
There is are differences between a constructed vagina and a woman who was born with one. Apparently my own is not too indistinguishable, though I take the word of people I have slept with. Personally the post-op women I have slept with have had differences that take a while to notice, and mainly they are internal as well as external.
I have lubrication issues if I am not sufficiently turned on, and I know other post-op women who have the same issue. Lube sorts this out, though if I have an orgasm or get sufficiently turned on I can self lubricate.
My orgasms have always been strong, vocal, and intense, all the more so since I had my operation . I cannot speak for anyone else, but I do not like to hide away when I reach climax, and neither have most of my partners.
Feel free to ask any question you like.
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This stuff is so interesting to me. I don't know why though...
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Member Since: 11/26/2010
Posts: 14,197
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It depends on the individual really since it's such a personal thing. 
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Member Since: 8/22/2011
Posts: 9,429
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Hook ups no because tbqh it's a hookup just like they aren't asking your past sexual history in detail, they shouldn't have to go in depth about something so personal.
LTR hell yes they need to tell the the other party, you can't make decisions for others. And building a relationship on keeping huge things like this from each other will make it end horribly
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Member Since: 9/1/2013
Posts: 18,649
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eh. if it's a legitimate emotional relationship yes, but for anything less i don't see why it matters enough to reveal something that personal and vulnerable.
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Member Since: 11/16/2010
Posts: 11,962
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Yes! They deserve to know!
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Member Since: 6/18/2012
Posts: 18,768
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yes.
i def would want to know
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Member Since: 6/10/2011
Posts: 12,738
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Member Since: 4/26/2012
Posts: 33,881
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Yes! Otherwise it's deception.
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Member Since: 12/8/2011
Posts: 2,143
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That's completely up to them and y'all need to learn to mind your own ****ing business 
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Member Since: 5/18/2012
Posts: 20,576
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Quote:
Originally posted by Michete
That's completely up to them and y'all need to learn to mind your own ****ing business |
No.
I would want to know if this is a long-term thing. What if I want to know about your childhood or see old photos? The secret will come out. What if I want kids too? You have to take many things into consideration.
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Banned
Member Since: 4/27/2012
Posts: 33,811
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I think so, but only if it reaches a more serious level, whether it be physical emotional. I don't think going on a few dates warrants that though.
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Banned
Member Since: 3/3/2012
Posts: 13,073
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Quote:
Originally posted by Michete
That's completely up to them and y'all need to learn to mind your own ****ing business |
Come on, as if most users on this site would understand that the long time partners trans people want, have to be open minded.
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Member Since: 1/3/2014
Posts: 15,909
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You need to let the person know, this is including hookups. Look at the way this guy finds out, through that woman's big mouth ass friend. And while this situation seems to have turn out without a physical altercation, too many trans women have been beaten when they have conceal who they were.
The partner has to be given a choice. When they feel they have been lied to, it leads to something way too dark and violent.
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