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COS: 25 Worst Pop #1s Ever
Member Since: 3/30/2009
Posts: 79,408
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COS: 25 Worst Pop #1s Ever
Consequence of Sound
25. Rick Astley – “Never Gonna Give You Up”
24. Paul Anka and Odia Coates – “(You’re) Having My Baby”
23. Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy”
22. The Osmonds – “One Bad Apple”
21. Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer – “Give Me Everything”
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“Me not working hard?
Yeah, right, picture that with a Kodak.
Or better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a Kodak”
Yes, someone had the audacity to rhyme “Kodak” with itself for a double-dip of distracting product placement. As if the lyrics weren’t aneurysm-inducing enough, the beat to “Give Me Everything” is just a slight variation of the same sound found in every Afrojack track. Pitbull was actually sued because of this chart-topping club pop anthem’s rhymes. Not because of undue emotional distress from being exposed to such unprecedented and unrepentant laziness, but for having it “locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” Her defamation suit was discarded because of that obscurity called the First Amendment, and Pitbull was free to revel in his club-obsessed buffoonery. Where’s Michael Vick when you need him?
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20. D4L – “Laffy Taffy”
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I downloaded this song in 2006. I paid money for D4L’s “Laffy Taffy”, a memory that I had buried deep in my subconscious until this piece, and now I sit here, a sullen man embarrassed by his past decisions. This song is garbage, quite possibly the least musically worthwhile thing on this list, and with good reason. Who the **** is it aimed at? I know that as a seventh grader, roughly 75% to 95% of the lyrics were over my head, so clearly the song isn’t for kids. But what self-respecting adult/hip-hop fan is going to ride around town bumping a song that sounds like it could/should have been played in a carnival fun house?
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19. Sisqo – “Incomplete”
18. Chris Brown – “Run It!”
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In 2005, the world was introduced to Chris Brown, an artist who would punch his way into our hearts, and it was his lead single that launched his debut into the pop music conversation. The guest spot from Dipset mainstay Juelz Santana is entirely recycled from other songs, including Will Smith’s “Switch” and The Ying Yang Twins’ “Wait (The Whisper Song)”. This song really makes me sad for the state of pop music at that time, when a kid more baby-voiced than Bieber could have a hit song about stealing girlfriends. He barely sounds old enough to have crushes or not be afraid of cooties yet.
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17. Usher – “OMG”
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For a song with 90 million views on YouTube, you’d expect something a little more nuanced than a beat of dueling metronomes and Usher pining for a woman he could likely just walk up to and have. will.i.am.’s contribution doesn’t amount to much more than Auto-Tuning one of the least imaginative verses of this millennium, while Usher isn’t trying much harder with his lyrics. “Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow/Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow,” has to be something that Usher’s 13-year-old nephew wrote for him, right?
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16. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em – “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”
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Compared to most songs centered on comprehensive boogieing routines, “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” remains purely useless for one, essential reason: It doesn’t even teach you the goddamn dance steps. Lyrically, it eschews decipherable English in favor of nonsense phrases that are repeated to no end. It’s as if someone erased the rapping from the track, leaving us with 4 painful minutes of hype man shtick. “Soulja Boy off in this oh/Watch me crank it, watch me roll/Watch me crank dat, Soulja Boy/Then Superman dat oh,” Soulja intones, expecting both our brains and dancing feet to know exactly what’s going on. That was 2007. Nearly 7 years later, we still have no clue.
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15. Fergie – “London Bridge”
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If I ever have to enter therapy, it’ll likely be because I had an acid flashback to being driven by my mother to baseball practice, radio blasting, her singing with complete obliviousness, “Every time you come around, my London Bridge wanna go down.” So, thanks for that one, Fergie. “London Bridge” is what happens when you replace the badass feminist quirk of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” with thinly veiled blowjob puns. Seriously, Ferg, how can you quote a Vietnamese prostitute (“Me love you long time”) in one of your songs and expect to be taken seriously?
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14. Mims – “This Is Why I’m Hot”
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Rappers are supposed to boast about themselves in their lyrics, waving those big ol’ chains about and bragging about how high they can stack all the cash that they hide under their mattresses because they don’t trust banks. But if all that crowing involves repeating “This is why I’m hot” over 30 times, then you’ve worn out your welcome. Not only that, but when your explanation for why you’re so hot is because you are, in fact, “fly,” and you’re using that word in 2007, you might not have been welcome to begin with. Maybe if the beat weren’t so nauseatingly redundant, the nauseating redundancy of the lyrics wouldn’t chafe so much. Mims, do you really think you could “sell a mill saying nothing on the track?” Just for fun, let’s see you try.
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13. Nelly – “Grillz”
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Maybe we should all actually give a hand to Nelly for introducing the wide world to grills. I mean, can you think of anything else of cultural/fashion importance from that year that Kanye West still flaunts with pride? Yet, no matter what their lasting influence may prove to be, that doesn’t change the fact that Nelly’s musical ode to the blinged-out dental apparatus is just plain awful. Seriously, how many metaphors for ice can a genre of music possibly come up with? I’ll admit, the line where he calls his mouth “a smile on the rocks” is kind of clever, but the fact that he rhymes that with, “If I could call out a price, let’s say I call out a lot” is just proof of this track’s underlying face-palm-worthy, borderline novelty song stupidity.
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12. Bruno Mars – “Grenade”
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In the world of inoffensive, genre-defiling mom rock, Bruno Mars is freaking Mozart, and none of his songs capture his knack for the bland better than “Grenade”. Songwriting doesn’t get much lazier than simply listing things, and boy does Bruno do a lot of that here. Want to know what he’d do for you? Well, he’d jump in front of a train, throw his hand on a blade, take a bullet through the brain… just about any pointlessly morbid thought he could string together will do just fine. A few times through this song and you’ll be praying there’s another bullet left in that gun.
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11. Will Smith – “Wild Wild West”
10. James Blunt – “You’re Beautiful”
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Teen angst, anyone? High school breakups? That “flying high” (appeared on the CD as “****ing high”) reference notwithstanding, this chart-topper earned James Blunt a spot on Oprah and the adoration of teen girls everywhere who felt underappreciated by those dumb lugs in their chemistry class. Blunt’s sad-sack appeal, however, was undermined by the fact that this song made him the first Briton in 9 years to top the US charts. Bet that beautiful girl who blew him off regretted it later – or not, considering how treacly and melodramatic this little number is.
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09. Daniel Powter – “Bad Day”
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Daniel Powter, where are you now? Plying your trade in a corporate coffee shop somewhere? Trying on knit skull caps at the mall? While his work on “Bad Day” was somewhat catchy, it was the kind of tune that didn’t seem so bad on first listen, but decreased its tolerability half-life with every radio spin. “You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go,” is just one of many groan-worthy lyrics on this gem. In December 2006 it became the first song ever to sell 2 million digital copies in the US, a testament to the marketing power of the annoying earworm that just won’t leave your head until you give it a listen.
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08. Crazy Town – “Butterfly”
07. Bryan Adams – “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You”
06. Los Del Rio – “Macarena”
05. Milli Vanilli – “Baby Don’t Forget My Number”
03. The Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”
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For 14 consecutive weeks, this steaming pile of vapid electro-garbage courtesy of will.i.am & Co. stood atop the charts, eventually selling 8 million copies and even taking home a Grammy. That, to me, might be the most frustrating thing about it. Sure, every song on this list achieved enough popularity to earn Billboard’s top spot, but few were as insidious or as culturally ubiquitous in a way that wasn’t novelty (like “Macarena” or “I’m Too Sexy”) or that could’ve fallen into the so-bad-it’s-kinda-good category.
Instead, it offers absolutely nothing to the listener except 5, yes, 5 whole minutes of mind-numbing, meaningless exclamations like “Let’s do it!”, and “Fill up my cup!”, and, because why the hell not, “Mazel tov!” There’s no story being told, no journey being taken here – just empty escapism without the slightest hint of creativity or self-awareness. Vanilla doesn’t get any more vanilla than this folks.
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02. Bobby McFerrin – “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”
01. Owl City – “Fireflies”
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Lurking somewhere on the internet is an unfortunate reference to the few moments in college when someone handed me Owl City’s first record and I kind of liked it because it was like 2 years after “Give Up” and I needed a fix. It was a dark time. I hope you can all forgive me. Or at least show some restraint and wait a few days to post it on Reddit after I give your favorite band’s record a 1-star review.
Listening back, that CD-R was hackneyed, cloying, derivative stuff. It was Postal Service without Ben Gibbard’s storytelling. It was Passion Pit, but fronted by someone who was emotionally well-adjusted and subsequently boring. But it still wasn’t as bad as “Fireflies”, the musical equivalent of overloading a diabetic with insulin. There might not be a more childish (Not “child-like.” Not “precocious.” Childish.) lyrical image than “10 million fireflies” leaving “teardrops everywhere.” Or maybe just 10,000 of those “lightning bugs” giving Adam Young “a thousand hugs… as they teach me how to dance.”
Some pop songs wink their sugar sweetness, and that lends those tracks a hidden bitterness that makes it possible to swallow. But “Fireflies”, bereft of anything other than soul-crushing earnestness, was a 10-foot pinwheel peppermint candy that we all collectively choked on.
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Member Since: 11/8/2011
Posts: 31,648
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London Bridge is amazing this list is false. 
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Member Since: 11/11/2010
Posts: 28,420
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I actually agree with all of these, especially "Fireflies" being #1.
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Member Since: 9/4/2011
Posts: 3,737
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#1: Fireflies
I declare this countdown utter ******** 
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 4,170
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Fireflies and especially London Bridge are amazing.
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 23,412
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Quote:
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25. Rick Astley – “Never Gonna Give You Up”
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What?
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Banned
Member Since: 11/24/2009
Posts: 61,404
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A lot of these are fun. They need to remove the stick from their butts.
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Member Since: 8/5/2006
Posts: 63,266
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Half of the songs shouldnt be in this list 
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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I love Fireflies  I did not expect that to be #1 at all. I thought it had pretty good callout scores too.
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Member Since: 3/21/2012
Posts: 55,134
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Fireflies is a freaking masterpiece .!! The list is invalid
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Member Since: 3/5/2011
Posts: 15,589
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Lmao most of those songs on the list are awesome.
I swear, hipsters live the saddest lives. 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 7,974
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So many of these are great songs though 
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Member Since: 5/10/2012
Posts: 10,996
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Huge case of stick up the ass right here.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 4,333
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Quote:
Originally posted by ManDown
I actually agree with all of these, especially "Fireflies" being #1.
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Same. The writing of all of these songs is contrived, lazy, and cliched. Songs like Fireflies give pop a bad name. It's so corny.
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Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 25,228
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Not Wild Wild West! I used to jam to that when I was little. 
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Member Since: 10/3/2010
Posts: 50,276
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I loved Consequence of Sound before, and after this list I still do. 
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21. Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer – “Give Me Everything”
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In my opinion, I hate this **** song also. 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 2,148
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I agree. London Bridge made me cry.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 3,695
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I Gotta Feeling truly is terrible.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 11/5/2011
Posts: 100,491
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Considering how much ATRL trashes Katy, I'm surprised she's not here.
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Member Since: 12/29/2011
Posts: 1,963
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They got Laffy Taffy right. One of the worst songs of all time.
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