Originally posted by Jack!

The chorus to this is brilliant - very descriptive in a easy to follow light and I like using puppetry and ventriloquism as a metaphor. My main problem would be that I feel the verses are fairly dry. Like talking about tacky dresses is a complete shard in comparison to the other imagery you used in your lyrics. So, I like the idea, and there are well executed parts, but it could be livened up in certain places, but great job! I hope you’re around next week and I’m sure you will be.

Originally posted by Hugamari

Although I do not really see how this fits the challenge theme, I do really like the concept. Kind of like being effortlessly controlled by someone, and feeling helpless about it.

…

*reads what I just said*

Okay, I do get it, actually. This was different from the other entries, so good job on that!

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

It made me cringe, but not in a good way. It's not as dark as I would've hoped, mainly because it never draws me in… I was waiting for that moment, but I kept getting drawn out by really awkward lines… In order to invoke that "dark" feeling, you have to appease to the senses of the reader. In this case, make it feel, look or sound cringeworthy to the reader that they end up being in the moments you described. And try not to put unneeded adjectives like "tacky"; that really dragged me out…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Uh, not really a fan of these, sorry. I found them to be almost nonsensical in the chorus. You won’t win, but using “W-I-N” and talking about how the guy won’t win just gets me a little lost. Some of the lyrics I just felt like were not needed either. Like *****, and I felt you could have had more substance in your verses to get your message across.

Originally posted by Hugamari

The first verse was cute…then when the chorus came, I got confused. Did he win, or didn’t he? I assume he didn’t because he lost in the chorus, which is repeated, but I could be wrong? I know the song is called W-I-N and stuff, but still…overall, I didn’t get a feeling of anger or sadness or w/e…just a lot of confusion.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

What happened?! I was really hoping for some fierce diss track or some bat$#!t crazy power rant, but this was, and I don't want to sound mean, awful. There was no emotion, there was no pull, and almost every line just felt droning to read… Girl, I'm heartbroken… The little redeeming factor in here is your second verse, but surrounded by everything else, it felt pasted in. You have to put better effort into this, because this was not good at all…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Very deep subject. Relatable to a lot of people though and having such problems can be hard. I feel like these were too literal though, in the verses mainly. I know there has to be a fine line between having literal lyrics and having too many metaphors and imagery in your words, but I felt like it was a little too literal. I love the message and how empowering it is. All in all good work!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Congratulations on overcoming your problem, first of all. My ex did that, and it devastated me because I tried helping him, but he kept doing it. Anyway, I imagine some alternative band singing this, and the music video would be very hectic. Definite improvement from last entry.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

You touched on a very, very dark subject matter and I'm extremely proud of you for that! I can tell this was a hard topic for you to write about in both a good and a bad sense. In a good sense, there are just some parts, like your very descriptive first verse, that were hard for me to imagine just for the sake of my sanity and goodwill; something I'm glad I could feel while singing. However, in the bad sense, you made it less of a dark song and more of a "it gets better" song… when it comes to dark songs, they don't have much of a redeeming factor other than their effect on the reader and when you tag such an uplifting message to a dark song, it's no longer dark… So, I applaud you for this, but try to maintain a healthy focus on your topic and mainstay.

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Yes! So much better than last week. The dark imagery is perfect and the lyrics are super well written. One of my favourites, if not my favourite of the round! Really well done, keep this up. I prefer this kind of writing to the party-like lyrics you had last week.

Originally posted by Hugamari

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath~

No, I really liked the chorus. I get more…creepy vibes then anything from this, but is v cool. This is technically good, and like I said, I like the chorus, but I wasn’t slain by it.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

This was exactly what I was looking for… a dark and fearful song that made me cringe from just reading! I really got a chill reading that hook; it was like otherworldly! I will admit: you had some lines that didn't catch on as well, but we can throw those into the pit of hell where they belong. Seriously, great job. Any advice to give, just keep the focus…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Tugging at my heart-strings Danny! I love this a lot. I almost felt the love you had for this person and how much you felt the pain seeing them in distress. The poetic feel with the added feeling makes this piece really beautiful. It doesn’t matter your lyrics aren’t happy (I think it was you who brought this up in the thread?) they’re darn good. Great work!

Originally posted by Hugamari

I feel like this was too literal, but it did fit the challenge. The ending on the bridge is something I found intriguing, and it kinda gives off the hopeless feeling of the song by even cutting off the possibility of a turn around. Intriguing.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

This kinda hits home, because I had somebody I lost in a similar way. It's very depressing and I was elated to read it. I imagine the bridge is powerful when sung, because written it seems a smidge 101… but aside from that, this was great work. I'd say, especially in your chorus, try and abandon realistic ideas like "doctors" and "IVs" because it doesn't do much than hinder the song with unneeded details.

Originally posted by Jack Lees

A little basic. Good chorus, but I felt it did really fall flat, I was expecting it to go somewhere. The verses and the bridge were a little off-putting and I expected more from them. Good luck though and it’s a shame you’re banned!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Lemme apologize before I say anything else, because I found this adorable more than heartbreaking or filled with anger. The fact that I found this adorable, though, is why I like this so much. I won’t go into detail as to *why* I found this adorable, but I did. The ending line, though. I feel like this was based on an actual occurrence, maybe with some actual quotes or paraphrased lines thrown in. It just seems genuine to me. I think this is one of the better entries this round. ♥

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

I hope you're here when we deliberate…

It was all smack dab in the middle. You weren't depressed enough, you weren't angry enough, you were sarcastic, but that doesn't really sell "dark" to me. It seemed very playful and kinda uplifting, which is very much the opposite of the challenge. I mean, what you wrote was brilliant, but I really take doing the challenge justice seriously… So, if you're here next week (literally), don't take the challenge lightly…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

I’m really glad you wrote more this week! You had so much potential last week and I’m happy to see you giving us more to read. I can tell these are very personal. These are great lyrics, they’re well written and affect me too, so I’m glad you wrote them. I have a connection with what (I think) you’re getting at. Good work, keep it!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Luckily you weren’t successful. I guess the shortness works here, but I’m still left just feeling…

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

"Don't rip me apart. […] be nice to me "

I am going to be as cruel as I possibly can! This isn't the nice challenge, it's the DARK CHALLENGE! MUHAHAHAHA!!

J/K

So, BeyNavi, I'm a man about what I do, what I say, and how I feel. And I almost broke down when I got to your bridge… Tearing up is something I don't normally do for written songs, but this pretty much got me. The fact that there was no saving grace for your character really shined throughout this entire song. Very, very impressive work. Only advice, drop the monkey; monkeys don't really belong in a dark piece like this…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

I feel like in a realistic settings the verses are a bit too lengthy. Quality wise they are great, but I think no matter how quality they are you need to put these things into perspective. I notice your lyrics are so poetic and I love that about them. The chorus is great. I feel like there was a bit of a void in this song though. I’m not sure, I feel like the message you were trying to portray wasn’t very clear? I somewhat understood in the chorus but the verses use really vivid imagery but I feel the picture you’re actually painting is really confusing.

Originally posted by Hugamari

Hmm…this gives me hippy without ha antidepressants teas. I am still not entirely sure what is going on here, though.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

You have an weird way of telling a story. Some of the lines were hard to understand; like it was a second language or something… You did, however, have some very dark thoughts, but one piece of advice: don't make such a thoughtful line like "give peace a chance" be your first line because it will give the reader the wrong impression.

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Very Taylor Swift, for whatever reason. I just imagined her singing this. First things first, I know these are just lyrics for now, but the structure you used is mega confusing. Like the bridge opening the song and then having a hood in-between a chorus and a post chorus, I just felt it would be confusing to listen to. The actual lyrics themselves are sweet though. Sometimes I feel like your lyrics are a little too… confusing? I like good usage of metaphors and imagery in songs, but yours just seemed a little to confusing to understand some of the imagery you used to seemed to use for the sake of it. Just a note for you. Good work though!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Well, I’m glad you know what you want your song to sound like! It’s great to have the sound in your head, because it helps you write it out. Now, how I feel about the text telling us what it’s supposed to sound like is a different story. I feel like being able to form a picture of how we think it’d sound is one of the good things about being a judge, and that kinda gets taken away.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

There's at least four messages counteracting with each other inside this song. You're very well-spoken, but to a fault; some of your lines were trying to change well-known idioms and sayings, but ended up not making any sense anymore. Not only that, but I had a very hard time catching a rhythm. There is definitely anger, though. You definitely did the challenge justice and I'm very happy about that. Just be a little more clearer on your main message.

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Compared to last week, I feel like these are lacking. I just didn’t know where it was going and I felt like while all the lyrics were good, I didn’t understand what you were meaning and it was less descriptive than last week. I know you got it in you, I just didn’t really like these this week. Really sorry man. Still there’s good points, the bridge is my favourite part. I love how you did that. Keep it up though, I know you’re safe. Just hope to see something from you like before next week!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Firstly, the fact that I was clearly able to see what was going on through the whole song is great. I also like that the whole song isn’t a blunt ‘look at how sad/mad/etc. I am’, but it’s more subtle. If you just saw these occurrences go on in everyday life, most people wouldn’t think twice, but it adds a whole new layer in the perspective we get in the song. The only think I can think to say is ‘just’ was used quite a bit, possibly as filler, but I do that all the time myself (though I’ve been working on fixing that).

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

Ooh, very mysterious and deep. I like it. There are those rare occasions where explanation inside the song would've ruined it, and the air of mystery really make it. This is one of those rare occasions. I was pleasant surprised at how it felt like a ghost story; there were many chills running up my spine from the get-go. This was good work!

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Certain parts of this and other parts I wasn’t a huge fan of at all. The chorus is really good and probably the strongest part, I didn’t like the verses though, they felt a bit too stubby in comparison to the rest of the song. I’d just like to see them improve and it should be all good!

Originally posted by Hugamari

I wrote a song similar to this (I guess I’m going to make it a point to say this to at least 1 contestant every round ). I wasn’t completely blown away by this, but it definitely fit the challenge and wasn’t bad in its own right. I’d imagine the song to sound like it was looming over you as you heard it, leaving a haunting feeling, so that kind of made me appreciate it more.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

Ooh, that's just… depressing… I like that you played around with the rhyme scheme and the song's outline; that's very Xenomania of you. I'd say make your chorus stronger; the hook/chorus is the central piece of this whole song, and here it felt that your verses and pre-chorus were much stronger. Other than that, I'm just floored…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

I’ve never read The Odyssey, but regardless I love these lyrics. They’re personal and even though it’s an experience I can’t relate to, I feel the pain when I read them. You really set a good image of actually being in the situation and suffering from the problems in the lyrics and the problems being masked by the lyrics. Love these a lot. I’m not sure if was hard for you to write these, but they’re great.

Originally posted by Hugamari

“Not really sure how to feel about it…” sums up everything. It’s not technically bad or anything, but I was just left completely unmoved. Not exactly the best thing on an emotions challenge, though.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

This was nearly brilliant songwriting. I think if it didn't have such abrupt endings to the verses and the ending was stronger, this would be my favorite song I've read. It's very cynical in a sense that it's almost damn-near evil… Very cool, very dark, very very!

Originally posted by Jack Lees

I really loved these! I’m not sure what the context is, but I feel like that’s a good thing. It makes this song more relatable, the fact that any can be in a situation and feel the way you’re feeling in your lyrics but the situation could be completely different that what you’re writing about? I hope you get what I’m saying. Great work, I love these a lot more than last week!

Originally posted by Hugamari

Your lyrics flow so well, in my opinion! That’s one thing I really liked. I also liked the metaphors used the language. The only thing is that…I’m not entirely sure what happened, other than you getting your heart broken. I wish I knew details about that.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

Not very understandable. I'm thinking this is about losing one's virginity to someone who only wants them for sex, but I could be wrong. At one second, I thought this was about rape and I would've just lost it there, but it seemed too tame to be about something that dark. And that was the problem; this whole thing seemed too tame. You gotta break the mold sometimes and try to invoke that nasty side. That demented side; it was just so-so without it…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

Great lyrics! I love the fact it was all a dream, but it was a bad thing. Reminds me of a song called Dream Girl, where the song is about the same thing - the perfect dream girl, but the song is happy and positive but I like how you flipped it to a sad thing, not having this dream boy is tearing you apart. Great work!

Originally posted by Hugamari

omg I can’t tell if this boy died and you continued to see him in your dreams, or if your dreams made him up sort of as a vice to cope with a harsher reality. Either way, that’s cutely tragic and I was completely slayed. This just fit the challenge so well I can’t…

If you’re looking for advice on how to improve, I can’t give you any this round. I just…

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

This wasn't very meaningful, it seems. I mean, you're basically talking about some dream lover, correct? The idea itself isn't dark, and your representation in the song doesn't really emote darkness either. This was great writing, albeit not appeasing to the challenge enough. Compared to the other songs, this is probably near the middle…

Originally posted by Jack Lees

The chorus is my least favourite part of this and it’s pretty weak, sadly. I loved the verses, they were actually well written and they’re relatable. I have those times when I want to be angry but I and I have so much rage to let out. Just felt the chorus was meh and really brought the song down. Hopefully you do better next week, this isn’t bad and you’re on your way, but just certain things bringing your marks down.

Originally posted by Hugamari

Well, I definitely feel this came from a real place, and I guess it’s nice that you’re venting, rather than waiting to explode. Besides for that, I was…left feeling uncomfortable like you’re about to go out and attack someone. I imagine that the music video would be very…gory.

From a technical standpoint, I get that the / indicates a new line, but it makes things annoying to read. I would’ve preferred each line to have its own row.

You definitely tried.

Originally posted by Nait Phoenix

You were definitely channeling rage in this song, but it was more in the first verse than anything else. All the rest seemed too controlled; when you have rage, you gotta just explode with it. This was more of a "leading up to it" song, very understandable, but even then I should feel this anger alongside you. This was more like a "dood, calm down, you ain't gonna do nothin'" song. So, you get that feeling, let it embrace you for as long as you're writing the song. Just don't try to control it.