let me start:

I found a quarter

It's not enough to support your crippling addiction to prescription pain killers

I didn't have to walk home today

That's because your legs were amputated today

I saw My best friend today

because I sneaked behind you and knocked you out and drop you at the entrance of your house

Edit :
he talks behind your back and shares your secrets with everyone

I bought a Gumball

But you lost it
Lana del Rey's single came out today

and it's her retirement song!

I finally finished an essay I've been working on for weeks.

I think you didn't understand what a gumball is , but whatever

-----------

He ignored you and told all his friends that you are thirsty for him

I ordered pizza

Tomorrow you'll get detention and you'll have to stay for 4 more hours

I'm going to eat frozen yogurt now

No sis educate me

There was a cockroach on it

I bought a puppy

they gave out free artRAVE tickets when you wern't at school

I'm going to cook dinner

he got flees and your whole house gets infested with them

I am going to cook dinner

But the ovens broke and you burn everything.

I might buy a puppy

but i raped you raw instead

you find out you are alergic to dogs

I'm taking a trip on an airplane

why would they do that on a half day though? there'd be nobody at school

But it crashes and you die

I'm about to go on a date

he turns out to be ugly and fat and has a lisp and a receding hairline and smells like rotten fish

I'm going to sleep with the window open

But an alien probes you and you can't get back to sleep.

I think I might cut the grass...