I've thought of the repercussions my suicide would have on others countless times, but rarely think about the actual process. I know that it's never the right option, but I also don't really see a true solution to my situation. I always think about the movie
It's a Wonderful Life and how George Bailey sees how much he's helped and influenced the people around him. While I understand the uplifting side of the movie and try to apply it to myself I don't really see that equating to people caring, because events simply happening to people is one thing and truly showing gratitude and concern is another.
Probably my biggest problem is my huge insecurity and difficulty in expressing myself. Everyone sees me as calm, positive. and witty but one day I can be tremendously grateful towards my friends and loving towards everyone and then seemingly little actions can have me feeling completely insignificant and unneeded. I would spend hours in contemplation but would be unable to conclude whether I was overreacting or not. I always ask myself why I'm so ridiculously insecure and it would probably help a great deal if I was more vocal and assertive but it never happens. I'm kind of an outsider with my friends, being the neutral and levelheaded one. There are two gays guys including me, and the rest are girls. Despite being a close group I feel the girls are often separated/pick favorites and have that one best friend, whether consciously or non-intentionally. I have frequent private conversations with the other guy and I suppose we sometimes have a special bond, but he usually tries to talk with other people and can be what I feel to be overly concerned with himself and his popularity. Sometimes I feel betrayed and terribly angry towards my friends and I know it's really unhealthy. I know my family loves me and is very supportive but we don't have a very good dynamic. My mother suffers from depression (which makes me doubt the validity of my problems even further because I feel that I'm just being bothered over things that shouldn't have an affect on me), my father has horrible temper problems, my oldest sister is very unattached and impersonal, and my other sister dorms for college far away. Overall I just find my situation very frustrating.
Whew
I wrote way too much sorry. I just needed to get that off my chest because I am overloaded with work but was having a particularly bad episode that was preventing me from concentrating. Idk where I was even going with this. I suppose it doesn't help that in my desperation to find security and one person to really talk to I may be developing true romantic feelings for the first time in my life
I need to concentrate on my education for the next two weeks and not deal with this mess.
