It was decided that Adele is too fat to attend the funeral.
We have Emeli Sandé instead. Emeli stared pensively into the distance. She had a lot on her mind. She wanted to share her Version of Events.
Emeli Sandé knows the meaning of Work, Bitch. She was born of Zambian ancestry, forced to work on Spears's ranch. With every stalk of cotton she pulled from the ground in those formative years, she resented her white overlords more and more. Britney even made a hit song out of Sandé's misery. "I'm a Slave 4 U".
It made Emeli mad. Her songwriting credits went ignored. "
One of these days," Emeli thought, "
I'm going to make this hoe pay". So Emeli grabbed her gardening hoe, and shoved it straight and centre into Britney's "gardening" hoe. And whacked, and whacked, and whacked. For every time Britney would mock her ancestry ("
I bought you from that overseas place, Zandada? Canada? Colombia? I own you.") and for every time Emeli would wake up in the middle of the night, panicked by another
shave through the side of her head...Emeli whacked. But Emeli couldn't bear to let her owner die. The Stockholm Syndrome was too much. Plus, she didn't want to leave any blood on her favourite grey dress.
She couldn't bear to lift her hoe up and deliver that one last fatal blow. She left Britney, instead, in a severe mental decapitation for the rest of her slow, painful life. At her happiest, Britney would here on out be a lonely confused and talent-devoid husk afraid of anyone but her children. At her lowest, Britney would be ashamed to even look at her Madonna-assed
feet. But nonetheless, Britney would always stay talentless. Oh, so talentless.
Emeli went from strength to strength when she finally left the plains, under cover of night, escaping beneath the undercarriage of a passing
sea lion (this would later become the inspiration of smash hit "
Beneath Your Beautiful"). She took up an art class, she dabbled in b!sexuality, she wrote generic garbage for Rihanna albums. As Britney's human rights slowly drifted and eroded, Emeli Sandé's power grew. And now, as Christmas sets in on a dark night in 2013, Emeli laughs into a mug of mocha whilst poring over the HDD website. She had won.
"115k? Ha! I can do that in my sleep." (although it's difficult to tell when Emeli is awake or asleep given her naturally 'baggy' appearance). What kinda modern-day Django? All that was left to do was mark her territory. So Emeli opened her "My Documents", went to C://_files/documents/AdeleIsFat/pictures/Ugly/Emeli.png, and posted the following to each of RCA's email accounts before attending today's funeral;
And as she finished her story, she kicked dirt over Britney's casket and shimmyed out to the tune of "Next to Me".
Our Version of Events is available in all good retailers. As are unsold copies of "Ooh La La" and heavily-discounted front-row tickets to the
Piece of Me tour.
