Member Since: 11/11/2011
Posts: 15,290
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Russell tackles Katy & others at the MTV Movie Awards 2012
On Katy
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"The last time I did an MTV awards show, I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for my next wife. ..."
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On Bieber
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"Tonight is an important ceremony because according to the Mayans, the world will end in December this year," he pointed out. "If Earth hurtles into the sun and humanity is destroyed, we will all say as one: 'We had the MTV Movie Awards 2012 and it was worth it!' But let's not worry about the impending doom of our planet now. We have vital issues to discuss. One, Justin Bieber beat up a paparazzi. Well done, Justin!"
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Brand called Bieber "so pretty" that "even if he was attacking me, I think I would do a little orgasm." He imagined that even if he has to go to jail, that "as the horror of incarceration closes in on him and the nightly gang beatings in the shower tangle that beautiful body," some part of him will think, 'Hey, at least I got away from them bloody screaming girls!' "
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Brand also pointed out that while it may be hypocritical of him to make fun of someone for tangling with the paps, "wait till you hear what I've got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages!"
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On Kim Kardashian
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Brand said Kim took a lot of pressure off of him with her "world record quick marriage. Thanks Kim!" He then wished openly that the pair would release a sex tape, which earned hoots and cheers from the crowd. "I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes. They're always brilliant but he only does one a decade." He did have some specific performance advice for West: "Don't drink before the sex tape. Learn the lessons of the VMAs!"
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On Michael Fassbender's ****
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Then it was Fassbender's turn. "I think Fassbender should be roundly condemned for profiting from sex addiction," he said of the "Shame" star. "I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I'm embarrassed to admit that at the time I didn't notice his huge, engorged talent as I was too busy staring at his massive co--. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue 'cause he's only there in the second row and if I get him too aroused, I may lose an eye. Fassbender's pink pipe of acting wonder! That's a good skill for an X-Man." Fassbender laughed along during the whole bit.
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"Fassbender! I'm going to go get some massage oil off Travolta. Michael, meet me in my dressing room."
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Interesting...
