Ever had a gay man criticize your appearance, or had your ass slapped in a gay club 'as a joke'? Gay male sexism is alive and well.
"Some of the worst misogyny I've experienced has come from gay men. It can feel almost more gross than it does from straight men. It's like, you're not even trying to express sexual interest in me, you're just asserting your dominance over my body just because you're a man—you're just doing it because you can."
The topic of misogyny among gay men is a difficult one to broach. In my experience, men either simply refuse to believe the phenomenon exists, or the conversation is quickly derailed ("yeah, but what about homophobic women?").
"When I was younger a lot of gay men would touch me inappropriately and say, 'It doesn't count because I'm gay!' Yeah, it still counts because I'm still a person who deserves respect," Victoria Sin says. I tell her that I often hear off-handed remarks like, "Vaginas are disgusting, I don't know how anyone could have sex with one," and Sin agrees. "If I mention my period, I have gay friends say, 'Ewww, stop that's disgusting!' No, it's my body and it's not disgusting." This, I would suggest, also comes from a lazy, thoughtless assertion of gay men's sexual identity—but to assert you love dick doesn't mean you have to feign disgust at women and their bodies. It's as offensive as it is ridiculous: After all, calling vaginas gross is pretty rich coming from people who have anal sex.
As it turns out, Sin's reference to femininity "in the basement" is a pretty good metaphor for a lot of gay men's attitudes to sex itself. On gay dating apps, men frequently describe their preference for straight-acting or masculine partners, with some profiles explicitly specifying, "No femmes." Conversely, expression of desire is often fetishizing, crude, and unsolicited. Just this morning, one charmer asked me on Grindr, "will u dress up in knickers and stockings for me ****ty boy?" This refracted misogyny is also projected onto the top and bottom roles in gay sex: If I wear mascara in a profile picture, I can reasonably expect to be told how my 'hole' will be pounded, ruined, or devastated.
Among white gay men, the idolizing of black female artists such as Beyonce, combined with slang picked up from RuPaul's Drag Race, can produce excruciating stereotypes of black women—all dressed up as appreciation. At Push The Button, a gay pop music night in London, white gay men attended its annual Spice Girls party in Afro wigs, blacked up in an apparent homage to Mel B.
"I've heard white gay men joking about having a 'strong black woman' inside of them. It's a cultural stereotype that implies [black women] have no problems and is reductive about our experience," explains Ava Vidal, a British TV stand-up comic and writer. "There's a lot of this stuff—mimicking Ebonics, joking about their 'weaves'—not realizing it dehumanizes us. It's not flattering. They want all the fun parts of our culture without experiencing any downsides."
What happens when she challenges these gay men? "They turn nasty and almost bully you about it. These white men are not listening to black women. How many times do they have to be told before they listen?"
Among white gay men, the idolizing of black female artists such as Beyonce, combined with slang picked up from RuPaul's Drag Race, can produce excruciating stereotypes of black women—all dressed up as appreciation.
"There's a lot of this stuff—mimicking Ebonics, joking about their 'weaves'—not realizing it dehumanizes us. It's not flattering. They want all the fun parts of our culture without experiencing any downsides."
"I've heard white gay men joking about having a 'strong black woman' inside of them. It's a cultural stereotype that implies [black women] have no problems and is reductive about our experience," explains Ava Vidal, a British TV stand-up comic and writer. "There's a lot of this stuff—mimicking Ebonics, joking about their 'weaves'—not realizing it dehumanizes us. It's not flattering. They want all the fun parts of our culture without experiencing any downsides."
MMM damn, right on the nose
*waits for usuals to come flying in here with nonsense*
As it turns out, Sin's reference to femininity "in the basement" is a pretty good metaphor for a lot of gay men's attitudes to sex itself. On gay dating apps, men frequently describe their preference for straight-acting or masculine partners, with some profiles explicitly specifying, "No femmes." Conversely, expression of desire is often fetishizing, crude, and unsolicited. Just this morning, one charmer asked me on Grindr, "will u dress up in knickers and stockings for me ****ty boy?" This refracted misogyny is also projected onto the top and bottom roles in gay sex: If I wear mascara in a profile picture, I can reasonably expect to be told how my 'hole' will be pounded, ruined, or devastated.
In certain corporate spheres, gay men are advancing further and faster than their female colleagues. It's perhaps unsurprising if they prefer to present less challenges to the gendered status quo; they may even reinforce male-centred ways of working that don't consider ongoing barriers affecting women, such as childcare or maternity leave.
Perhaps the modern professional gay man is more often guilty of benefitting from sexism, rather than directly perpetrating it.
I'm female and I totally agree that the gay male misogyny is disgusting and out of hand. they think that just because they are not sexualizing us that they are respecting us but that isn't true. they degrade and judge us just as much as straight men do, but it makes no sense coming from a gay male because they shouldn't care about what we look like at all.
im gay and i would rather die than watch an episode of ru paul's drag race