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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ALL REVIEWS
Quote:
Vision –
I quite like the hypothetical scenario you play out with the medicine verse, and I thought it would’ve been an interesting idea to expand on that even further to make a parallel compare/contrast between the two outcomes throughout the song. There are some stressing issues which throw a spanner in the flow, but it’s not overly distracting. I think your verses were better than your chorus: other than the final line, I find your chorus to be anonymous, and detached from your story, it could easily read like it’s from a song about a strained relationship. With a focus on the wistful nature of the verses and communicating that same inevitability of death, that would’ve elevated your chorus and subsequently your entire song. Some parts remind me of the spoken word stuff by Current 93, so that’s a good sign!
P.S you probably should’ve just gone with “wind”.
Nait –
Reads more like a list of thoughts and actions in sequence rather than a piece with a uniting story or theme. I mean, other than us obviously knowing it’s a Gemini song. It needs to be more than a collection of Gemini descriptors. You’re describing a character, but it’s done in a flat way that isn’t reactionary to any actual events. This was kind of tedious to read.
Hugamari –
This was quite cute and simple, and I thought it hit on all your themes really well, if a bit sugary! I actually like this more than Welcome to the World due to its stronger narrative.
Like I said, it is a little low on substance, but it works stylistically for this week. The first half of the song applies to me, so it was a nice read!
Cheetah –
I’m not sure if this was a good fit for a piece communicating a Libra’s personality traits. The only clear trait I get is “indecisive” due to the dilemma you introduce, along with the “keep the peace” line. I find that line a subpar choice for communicating this dilemma, in regards to your expression as a writer. “Keep the peace” is a really abstract way of describing this messy conflict, seeing as it usually refers to civil order. I wouldn’t really describe keeping someone in the dark as “kind”, seeing as the character’s motivations are ultimately “Think of the huge mess I would cause for those two if I didn’t hold onto this information”. The dilemma is still ultimately self-interested in both outcomes.
It’s easy to read, but not exactly gripping. I’d like to suggest you try and capture the emotions immediately after a messy decision, rather than before. I think it would take your lyrics beyond the emotional plateau I feel you’ve hit.
Achilles –
This has an interesting and very fitting metaphor for your sign: a phrase about formulaic approaches for a predictable person. While a cool metaphor, it dominated your song too heavily. The verses felt like set-up fodder for your punchline. While it was a good punchline, no part of your song should feel disposable. “Purple heart”, “black belt”, “green thumb” are all very labored, and wouldn’t be in your song if not for the central motif. Regardless of the filler-nature of these lines, the core concept is quite interesting, and I hope you aren’t hesitant to try another song like this, but with meatier verses.
Country Britney –
This definitely hit on the themes of your sign! All the traits you listed are shown to me, and not simply listed in a song format. A nice use of motif-furthering imagery doubling as metaphors. It plays well into you whimsical/fantasy-oriented writing, and I quite like your niche. If I could give you any advice, I’d say that I would personally enjoy seeing you delve deeper into dark fantasy elements, such as you did with Pan’s Labyrinth, as you’ve gotten the brighter, romantic side of it down.
Musickid –
When writing these types of raps, there’s a line between attempts at punchlines that are “wow, did he really just say that?” and “wow, did he really just say that”? Shock, and cringe. “Lemme get the whip cream because you're my dessert” falls under the cringe category. It’s too cheesy, and it’s just sexual, like a bad pick-up line. The Shaq line gets a bit closer, but that’s it for the lines of note in this song. You need a great punchline every 2 lines at least, and writing like that can easily get exhausting, I know. This needed a lot more work. It’s more Nicki and less Lady Saw/Cupcakke.
Feelslikeadream –
This is the most “pop” song you’ve submitted this far. Very One Direction. While I usually wouldn’t mind, the way you used language this time around felt much more pedestrian, in regards to diction and a heavier reliance on clichés with little effort put for to spruce them up.
In regards to your narrative, it was quite interesting and fitting of the theme, but it could’ve used more subtlety and a better build up. Saying “that’s why he hasn’t been seen for days” is too on-the-nose and erases the mounting tension. A song that covers the same type of story but with a better build-up and more gentle hand is The Tailor Shop on Enbizaka, you should see how they handled the sinister undercurrent of the song there for what I mean.
Citrus –
Reading your blurb was kind of necessary to understand the Federal Reserve mention, although it still sticks out, The Exorcist mention even more so.
Interesting backstory behind your song: I’d love to see a separate song entirely for the cosmic irony of such an obstacle being removed. Heck, it should’ve been a major point in this song: that’s a situation that’s memorable, and it actually happened. I find that a lot more compelling of an angle than the subway scene, it at least deserved an entire verse, not just an ambiguous line at the start of the second verse.
This style of writing is in your wheelhouse for the verses, but you definitely dipped into generic territory for the most important part of your song, the chorus. “Time has brought… but we aren’t meant to be….” “Know I’ve hurt you once before” aren’t conversational, and are more played out, which runs counter to your usual style.
Moonchild –
While it starts out slow with the first verse, this song gets good at the chorus and stays on a roll until the conclusion. The song is cool, and by cool I mean aloof and interesting. The chorus is quite solid, but overall I find the song lacking in story, which you sort of get going in the second verse, but it doesn’t go very far. Your short songs are refreshing, but be wary of them getting scant.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Sorry, I didn't expect y'all to move so fast and I was in the midst of writing a tribute 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Oh hey a positive review from 8th! I got positive from everyone except Temporal, who was mixed. I wonder how it will play out. 
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I'm gonna predict Citrus, Hug, Vision for top 3 and Kid, Nait, and me for bottom 3.
Idk about the middle 4.
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Yay thank you 8th! 
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This was a different song in a way for me, as I've never really written one that's been happy in this competition  But glad to see I did fairly well on it.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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How many people are left? I think I'll be ... 6!
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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How many people are leaving tonight? And are you posting the next challenge?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Phew, have all the charts and tributes done.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Phew, have all the charts and tributes done.
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When's the comeback round?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Results are coming as soon as you all post your iTunes receipts for Rise
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
How many people are leaving tonight? And are you posting the next challenge?
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1) Great question, judges are talking about it now.
2) Great question, not sure. Also not sure if it'll be sign-ups or just preference.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
When's the comeback round?
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The 31st of last month.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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I'll start
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I just slept 5.5 hours 
@8th I'll read your review when I'm not half asleep and can speak English
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Wow am awake!
@8th I'm not 100% sure how a song about cosmic irony would be done, but it sounds like it could involve jokes so I'm in. I hadn't thought of the chorus that way before but I think that's a fair point.
I'm gettin fried chicken y'all 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Does iTunes not charge tax anymore? I'm just noticing this
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