[Temporal]

New Judge's Batch One Comments

Vision - Love Truant
This is a nice start to judging, tbh! You noted that your song was lacking beautiful imagery or grand metaphors, but I think in this case it was a good thing. Your song felt very natural to me, and wasn't overbearing with ideas about imagery or metaphors - it was very straight to the point and it remained so throughout, leaving the song very consistent which made for a pleasant read. It also felt very consistent in it's quality level, there were no parts that felt unneeded or irrelevant to the song, each new section fit perfectly and helped create a really nice, emotionally charged piece. I do feel as though your song could've flowed better at points, it could seem restrictive but I like very tight meter, which was lacking here in the verses, although this was improved on in the chorus, which was a lot better in that aspect. I could follow the verse rhythm, but it could use work I believe. You said this was a pop-rap song, so I think you should've paid more attention to that verse meter if it was. I kind of like to compare meter to a butterfly - mirror it. The rap verse I was mixed about, I felt some lines were good enough to warrant it being there, but some were also kind of cringey. I don't really wanna fill your review up reciting your own lies back to you and exposing them, so if you want them pointed out you can wall or pm me (there were also lines I really liked in your song, and I can point them out too). Either way, it's subjective so that point doesn't matter as much, but I would like to point it out anyway that perhaps. On the other hand, the meter here was followable again so the only real issue I had was a few cringe lines. I do think some of your word choices weren't the best, and while I didn't have too much of an issue with the fluent/truant and woe/foe rhymes, I felt like you could've substituted them for other words and they would've made more sense. For example, it your heart were truly playing truant, you wouldn't be writing a song about actually being in love. Even though it was the central idea to the song, it was confusing - surely, if your heart actually was absent, you wouldn't be capable of being in love? I understand that it was supposed to be used with the idea of being uncomfortable in love, but I don't think it fully worked. I don't get an immediate feel of unique artistry from this entry; like you said, it's aim is just to be a catchy pop/rap song, but I think that was made up for with the nice use of emotion throughout. This first entry I saw from you was an enjoyable one, but I would like to see what your supposed metaphorical side with beautiful imagery is like, and hopefully catch a bit of artistry in your future. Well done!

Hugamari - The Monster They Made Me
As a whole this is very well written and can't really be faulted for it's technicalities (at least not by me ). Though you didn't use standard ideas of imagery, the theme was so strong and well explored that you did create an image in my mind - I could fully visualise this person and their feelings, so this definitely was well written in that way. I think often when people think of imagery they think of straight forward lines about skies, or what not, but this has such a well thoughtout concept and story that it all unfolds easily and I can completely see what you were going for, so that is great. If I go into the song's contents further and nit pick, I find a few things worth pointing out. The pre choruses, I felt, were rather basic - I think you could've explored something different here which would've been interesting to see, as in leaving the first person writing for something different. If you wanted to keep the first person viewpoint throughout, I still think this area cold use improvement - while the verses added a lot to the song and were very descriptive, the pre chorus was a total departure from this and feels so basic in comparison. I think, basically I would've liked something more elegant than lines about wanting pets to love you, it felt almost childish and would've took me out of it if this wasn't a song about a psychopath which made it therefore kinda fitting for it to be childish. But, still, I think you're capable of something better and more thoughtful. I was also met with disappointment at the bridge, I was holding for some really eloquent and thoughtful lines here but what your wrote actually felt completely unneeded as a whole. I don't feel like the bridge added anything so it let me down a lot in that aspect. However, your chorus and verses were really stellar so they totally make up for the more disappointing parts, and with your song as a whole being well written, I think you did a good job and probably should, like, pitch this to Melanie Martinez or something.

Citrus - Father
First off, I don't know how you thought it was at all a good idea to submit a vulgar rap song as your introduction to a new panel member, but okay. It felt vulgar and contrarian just for the sake of it. The overuse of random and irrelevant references was annoying and unneeded. It is evident by the writing skills that you showed here, that you are capable of actually writing a good song - but this just isn't. You wasted what was possibly a great opportunity to write something completely representative of you and say anything you wanted to say, but instead you decided to write this. I don't really know why the Free Zone is your chance to show yourself, not to write a parody song. And, if this is really what you want your style to be, then thats cool to, but it's not for me and I can't understand why you'd wanna waste your talent or something like this.

Nait Phoenix - Paranoia Nova
This is obviously an emotional and sensitive entry given the current state of not only America but the world. What I like the most about this, is that it can be applicable to pretty much any of the recent shootings, so it kinda makes for a good anthem in that respect. I however do think that some of it is just a bit distant from the concept behind the whole song, some times I don't fully feel a connection from the theme and the words (I can point these lines out to you in you want, by pm or wall message, since I want to refrain from exposing your song in the thread). I think this finds its place kind of as one of those typical "Various Artists" songs where random singers come together for a charity cause and sing a song that is emotive, but probably could've been better written. What hurts most, is I think theres missed potential throughout - your title refers to a sense of paranoia, and I just did not feel that at all in the song. I would've adored if you wrote something deep about the feeling of paranoia these tragedies bring, but instead I think you went for something that feels a little more top 40. All that said, it remains a really likeable song for me, I really appreciate that you went for this and put in so much emotion but perhaps it was a case of biting off more than you could chew. This review may feel particularly negative, but I do like this song and think you did a great job, but I think you're probably capable of even better. I do recall you saying it was written in 30 minutes, so maybe with revision it could be even more powerful.

CountryBritney - Out Of Focus
Hi CountryBritney! This is a really interesting theme for a song, and I like it. What I do not like, is the verses. I find them way too straightforward - it's all a fit too 'dear diary' for me, rather than poetic. The lines themselves here, really do not do much for me at all. If you take away each line and dissect it, there's nothing new to find out, or nothing exciting, do you know what I mean? It's just saying, "A rose was left on the doorstep" very blatantly, rather than anything more emotive, "A lonely rose lays at the opening of our home" , "A solemn rose sits waiting for you" ?? Just two examples, but in general I thought the simplicity here was just too much, it felt the lines feeling empty and boring. Luckily, I really like the chorus, here there is a lot more going on and you're portraying the meaning behind the song, whereas in the choruses it was lacking this for me. I understand that you were describing the ways in which people are out of focus, but again, it was too much like a straightforward diary entry for me (I've really tried to word this as well as possible and really try to portray what I mean, but if it isn't fully coming across you can pm or wall me because I want to make it clear). On the brighter side, I also like the pre-chorus and the bridge, so as a whole this was a good entry for me, I just didn't really like the verse sections.

Tylerbv - Retail Therapy
This is so very long, you acknowledged it was an odd song structure, which I admire, but I'm not entirely sure why it was called for. You quite easily could've had a chorus after the third verse and after the sixth verse which would've made this feel like less of an essay read, and would've given the song more structure and substance. Instead, it is just 6 verses continuing on and on about what is essentially the same feeling just reworded in a different way or taking place in a different part of the store, which made this kind of boring in that way. I liked the story progression with the changing of the times in each verse, but I felt like not enough substance was actually in the story - essentially, nothing happened and it was just a story about somebody behind unhappy at work, there was no key event or moments which helped keep the interest in the song or warranted the verses to just keep continuing on as they did - I understood in the verse first that this was a song about somebody who didn't enjoy work, and by the sixth verse I had learned nothing new. What makes it worse is that the lines in these six verses themselves are not very good. It's basically a recital of somebody's day, rather than actually being a nicely written song. I was kind of hoping with a Free Zone round that people could come up with some beautifully written songs about the inner thoughts and feelings, or about themselves - as to really get a feel of them as writers. This, here, is none of those things! Though, I can't be completely negative - I did enjoy the outdo, which is definitely the best part of the song. I felt like it was in that moment that we actually saw the song go somewhere! But, alas, it was only in the conclusion that something actually happened. Those six verses and 16 lines of the bridge were wasted .

[Dylobs]

Um? Those are some huge ass essays.

EDIT: I'm guessing lovesong?

[Cupid]

This novel

Let me start

[Jackson]

yall join Let's Spoon there's like 30 minutes left to sign up. It's a really easy game to float through to the finale with
http://atrl.net/?p=35096764

Also it's the second best game on ATRL after PH and hosted by Platinum Hitler Element

[Achilles.]

I felt like I submitted so early, but I still missed batch one.

[Temporal]

wow @ me having a lower score average than Jackson this week

[Hugamari]

8th is SHOOK.

Hugamari - The Monster They Made Me
As a whole this is very well written and can't really be faulted for it's technicalities (at least not by me ). Though you didn't use standard ideas of imagery, the theme was so strong and well explored that you did create an image in my mind - I could fully visualise this person and their feelings, so this definitely was well written in that way. I think often when people think of imagery they think of straight forward lines about skies, or what not, but this has such a well thoughtout concept and story that it all unfolds easily and I can completely see what you were going for, so that is great.

Well I can't ask for a much better response than that, seeing as the technicalities I think is my strongest asset in this game. Also really glad to see you got a sense of imagery without relying on descriptive buzz-words, not that those are a bad thing, but it's encouraging to know that I may not have to rely on them to get a sense of imagery.

If I go into the song's contents further and nit pick, I find a few things worth pointing out.

Going to assume the use of nit-pick means it was minor and doesn't too heavily impact my song.

The pre choruses, I felt, were rather basic - I think you could've explored something different here which would've been interesting to see, as in leaving the first person writing for something different. If you wanted to keep the first person viewpoint throughout, I still think this area cold use improvement - while the verses added a lot to the song and were very descriptive, the pre chorus was a total departure from this and feels so basic in comparison. I think, basically I would've liked something more elegant than lines about wanting pets to love you, it felt almost childish and would've took me out of it if this wasn't a song about a psychopath which made it therefore kinda fitting for it to be childish. But, still, I think you're capable of something better and more thoughtful.

Honestly, I agree. The pre choruses are the weakest part of my song, should I have to choose one. I felt it important to be there because it puts a bit of motivation behind what this person does. He assumes/believes that his pets, or animals in general, don't love him the way he feels he deserves to be loved, so he kills them. Although sometimes killers don't *need* motivation, or their motivations sound baseless/absurd, I figured it's an idea that I should've explored regardless. That's why I decided to keep it, although I would've deleted it had I felt it wasn't needed.

I was also met with disappointment at the bridge, I was holding for some really eloquent and thoughtful lines here but what your wrote actually felt completely unneeded as a whole. I don't feel like the bridge added anything so it let me down a lot in that aspect.

Hmm...not sure if I agree here. I felt the bridge was a highlight, as it was the moment that this person truly descended into his deepest form of madness, having a god complex and believing he has power over who deserves to live or die. However, the way I formatted it was very...different, so I can understand different opinions.

However, your chorus and verses were really stellar so they totally make up for the more disappointing parts, and with your song as a whole being well written, I think you did a good job and probably should, like, pitch this to Melanie Martinez or something.

Well thank you! And thanks for such an in-depth review! I see you're out to make a great first impression. I'm glad you took the time to explain your reasoning behind your opinions, even though you're completely entitled to your opinions without explanation. Whoever you are, welcome to the panel.

[Temporal]

let me try to make up some hints now

[Temporal]

Achilles. - Chrvches
Citrus - Annabel Jones
CountryBritney - Frankmusik
Dylobs - King Deco
feelslikeadream - Ariana Grande
Hugamari - Ellie Goulding
Musickid203 - Demi Lovato
Moonchild - Björk
Nait Phoenix - Atlas Genius
TheCheetahWings - The Knocks
Tylerbv - Beyoncé
Vision - Cupcakke

There are two parts to this hint. Where and when.

[Achilles.]

Girl, bye. 👋

[Dylobs]

King Deco looks pretty which is all that matters to me!

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Temporal

Achilles. - Chrvches
Citrus - Annabel Jones
CountryBritney - Frankmusik
Dylobs - King Deco
feelslikeadream - Ariana Grande
Hugamari - Ellie Goulding
Musickid203 - Demi Lovato
Moonchild - Björk
Nait Phoenix - Atlas Genius
TheCheetahWings - The Knocks
Tylerbv - Beyoncé
Vision - Cupcakke

There are two parts to this hint. Where and when.

These tell me that they're faves. I'm assuming it's a snapshot of your most played on last.fm, but the
time frame...idk that part.

[Temporal]

Originally posted by Hugamari

These tell me that they're faves. I'm assuming it's a snapshot of your most played on last.fm, but the
time frame...idk that part.

mhmm

[Hugamari]

Am I actually last?

EDIT: King Deco is lower, but regardless...damn scalp me.

[Jackson]

I was looking at his most played artists and the numbers don't seem to match up with either sign up # or R1 #

[Temporal]

Originally posted by Hugamari

Am I actually last?

No. The timeframe isn't "All Time".

[Cupid]

Who am I

[Dylobs]

I'm last again? Awww thanks you guys

[Cupid]

Oh mess I'm 11th on oral and jacksons lists

Brexit confirmed

[Hugamari]

Unless it's reverse order, I'm fairly certain I'm at the bottom of the barrel, scraping.