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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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I'd be very surprised if Citrus was 2nd last and I'd also be surprised if I was above him so...
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Katy: Dylobs
Mariah #1: Vision
Apple: Citrus
Britney Jean: CountryBritney
Countdown: Nait Phoenix
Carrie: tylerbv
Alt. album cover: Achilles.
Jigglypuff: Hugamari
Mariah 20: fefe
RuPaul: Moonchild
Cheetah Girls: TheCheetahwings
What happened to Musickid203? 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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ΔLL SØNGS
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Vision – Love Truant
“Except your backyard, ain't nothin' but a wasteland” I’m sorry but this line was just  . This was definitely a step down from your last few entries. Starting with the first verse, “everywhere I look” was a bad way to start off the song as its fairly generic and opens at least half a dozen songs I can think of off the top of my head. The lack of consistency in the meter in the last line threw me off a bit as well. “Playing truant” felt a little awkward to me. It definitely could have been phrased differently if you really wanted to define the “Love Truant” title, but as it is it feels more as if you’re forcing the title into the song. The second verse was much better overall, but it lacked anything beyond a nice flow and a vague concept of emotion. You could have expanded on the concept of truancy more and fleshed out more of a concept, because as a general longing for love the song didn’t really pack any punch. Flowery language isn’t the only way to drive in a theme in a song. Try being more experimental with your flow rather than simply taking away your strong metaphors if you’re attempting to change up your style.
Hugamari – The Monster They Made Me
OMG sis I loved your use of internal rhymes here. I don’t think “catching rats in homemade traps” has ever been so beautiful. In the second stanza “for the sport” would have made more sense as “just for sport”. The first stanza of the chorus was much stronger than the second, and I’m pretty sure “waken” isn’t a word to begin with. The bridge was haunting and kind of brilliant. I love dark songs, but I always say there’s a line where suddenly a song becomes “too dark”. I think this works because more than anything you captured the mind of a psycho killer perfectly. It almost feels satirical of the situation rather than a diary entry, which makes the song work.
Citrus – Father
I’m at work so I’m not listening as I write this unfortunately (will later!), but I’m pearched for the audio. While I like the references to 401ks and emerald ash borers, I’ve never quite been a fan of your random pop culture references (“that’s the ticket”) that appear to have nothing to do with your song other than being words that have been said by someone before . The best parts were definitely the “poor at the polls” line and the mxtthew reference. My biggest issue here was that the chorus was rather weak. It felt like an extension of the verse rather than a summary of the theme of the song, and lacked anything memorable other than the last line.
Nait Phoenix – Paranoia Nova
“That's the straight way to end up hurt” OK I get it, stop oppressing me  . The biggest problem here was the disconnect between your words and the meaning of the song. In fact, I have no idea what the song’s about at all. Based on what you’ve been posting in the thread I can see this being about police brutality, but much of it (especially the chorus) is too vague for me to effectively make that conclusion. What is the diamond referring to? Beyond that, you had a nice balance of imagery and accessibility in that your song was easy and fun to read. If I could just make some sort of connection as to what you’re talking about I would have enjoyed it a lot more.
CountryBritney – Out of Focus
I’m going to pretend the last line of the first stanza is “And nights spent looking at the stars” because with that minor change the verse is flaw free. I like the diary-like aspect of your songs in that they are always extremely relatable and feel genuine. Strangely, the strongest parts of your song were the romantic verses. The social aspect felt weaker and less passionate to me. Overall the chorus lacked much impact, as it appeared to ramble on instead of finding a distinct purpose to sum up the song. It was a bit jarring that the last two lines didn’t rhyme when the rest of the song did. I think your strengths lie in the telling of your everyday life, so you struggled a bit to describe something a bit more abstract. Don’t take that as a warning to stay away from challenges, though, and I’m glad you tackled a subject outside your usual realm of thought.
Tylerbv – Retail Therapy
I’ve never had the displeasure of working retail but I’ve seen enough of those “10 things ever person in retail understands” lists on Facebook to get all the references in here. Your experimentation with structure actually paid off here because there was enough repetition in the meter and progression of the story to make the song flow well. As in some of your earlier entries, the biggest issues were in the phrasing of your lines. “Back to the dungeon that’s my second home” seems awkward, especially with the word “that” which makes the line appear more literal than intended. Each verse could have flowed a little better. This is an excellent example of where stressing REALLY plays an important role in the flow of the song. No matter how hard you read it, “back to the dungeon” and “praying that I’ll get” don’t mesh due to their inconsistent stressing despite their syllables counts. If you’re not already doing so, be 100% sure you’re reading your lyrics out loud so you know how they sound to us as your audience. The outro could have been entirely deleted as well.
Achilles. – Full Time Mom
You might have a mom, she might be the bomb, but ain’t nobody got a mom like mine  . Well, this was better than Meghan’s mom song at least! I actually liked your chorus this week despite its simplicity. It summarized the song well and was short and catchy enough to be memorable. The only problem was that it seemed redundant, practically rephrasing the entire first verse. If the first verse was replaced the chorus would have been stronger. You could have rephrased the last line as well to hint at the stress she faces from working and being a mom. The second bridge/chorus is much more effective than the first, as the first doesn’t really tie much into the rest of the story and the second bridge provides a more effective behind the scenes look into the draining and hectic life of the mom.
Musickid203 – Black and Blue
The way you let us into your world with “You love me so we fight from 12 to 12/At least that’s what I try and tell myself” woo lawd! There was some beautiful emotion in that line. I liked the alliteration in the chorus as well. My biggest issues here were minor. You spelled “sews” wrong which threw me off for a second when I was wondering how one would “sow up” a seed. “Dine me with a thing of liquor” sounded awkward. I liked the phrase “delicate killer” but pairing it with a cliché (beautiful sinner) weakened it. If there’s one thing I would work on overall, it would be defining the chorus better as the climax/central part of the song and feeding the verses off of it.
feelslikeadream – Spaces
“I decided to write the lead single, a happy, carefree love song that talks about home as an emotional rather than physical construct.” *continues to talk about home as a physical place in the first verse* (I get that you discussed an emotional “home” later so don’t get mad. I’m not dragging you). This was written in your typical style through and through, but it was in such an elevated state that it ended up being a positive rather than a negative. The only awkward lines were the last two of the second verse (“make you ready to get” seemed a bit wordy). What sets this entry apart from others you’ve submitted this season is that the pictures you portray are so vivid and your lines are memorable. “I know exactly how long it takes/To walk my fingers across your chest” really resonated with me, and I loved the repetition of back porch/back seat in the chorus that allowed those specific images to stick. If anything, I’d suggest creating more of a story or some kind of progression within the song, albeit something small as the stagnant nature of the song added to the feeling of everlasting love and the feeling of “home”.
TheCheetahWings – Dead by Dawn
You’re back! Admittedly there was a few weird lines (“wrote my name in the ocean”, “wrote your name in the fire”, which additionally paired strangely with “burning in the sky”) but overall it was a solid entry. The chorus was simplistic yet impactful and the verses were vivid in both language and emotion. I’m not sure what the repeated “insecurity” was for, and it felt awkward at times, but I loved the line “discretion gave me clarity”. There was a powerful sense of regret and loneliness here I really enjoyed. Probably your best work this season.
Moonchild – Our Love’s a Game
The vulgarity was cute in the first stanza, but I think you overdid it a bit in the second stanza. Overall this was good, but there were a few lines I didn’t like (the disguise line and the pool sharks line for example). The band/bland rhyme was weak in the second verse as well. I thought your chorus could have benefitted from being a little longer. The line “our love’s a game of billiards” feels more introductory than conclusory and I would have loved a bit of elaboration. Your theme was one not used much before and I loved the originality and the third stanza of the first verse was amazing.
Dylobs – No Rice No Spice
I just read the entire song and I still can’t get over the title  . Also I’ve seen your last name and it’s white as can be so don’t try it. I have no idea what this is. “Who they chlorinate within”? What does that even mean? I can’t tell if this is supposed to be serious or not. The second verse was fairly effective and good, but the rest of the song was lazy and felt a little troll-ish. The outro was good as well.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
What happened to Musickid203? |
Oh I originally had the hints one way and then switched the order around and his may have gotten deleted. He should be with Huga
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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It wasn't trollish but ok.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Not no rice no spice
also:
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My biggest issue here was that the chorus was rather week. I
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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The repetitiveness is lazy songwriting intentionally done in order to allude to the redundancy of daily life.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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mess @ that review not being as negative as i expected tho 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
Not no rice no spice
also:
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stop making things up about my reviews 
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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I'm honestly just scared right now, I downloaded Pokemon Go and how did they put a gym near my house, how do they have pics of my area, how are there realistic pokemon chilling in my house. This is all too weird for me.
I also didn't sign up to exercise so f that.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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The chlorinate line is when people get rid of black and Asian people from their dating pools as though they are germs but I guess that didn't come across.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
stop making things up about my reviews |
no
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
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and I’m pretty sure “waken” isn’t a word to begin with.
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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So what are the hints? The # the image comes up? Mine is the 1st image.
Slay @ Jackson specifically highlighting my three favorite lines 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
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You’re back! Admittedly there was a few weird lines (“wrote my name in the ocean”, “wrote your name in the fire”, which additionally paired strangely with “burning in the sky”) but overall it was a solid entry. The chorus was simplistic yet impactful and the verses were vivid in both language and emotion. I’m not sure what the repeated “insecurity” was for, and it felt awkward at times, but I loved the line “discretion gave me clarity”. There was a powerful sense of regret and loneliness here I really enjoyed. Probably your best work this season.
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I'm glad you liked it so much. I'm kinda surprised. I agree some of the lines were a bit weird/awkward though so hopefully I can work on tightening/perfecting every line more in the future 
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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yeah i still don't get the hints, but it's not by image # because i'm def not #1
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
The chlorinate line is when people get rid of black and Asian people from their dating pools as though they are germs but I guess that didn't come across.
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to chlorinate is simply to add chlorine to  and you don't "chlorinate within". I understand the connection with the dating pool thing but it still doesn't make sense
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
So what are the hints? The # the image comes up? Mine is the 1st image.
Slay @ Jackson specifically highlighting my three favorite lines |
Several people's were the first image that came up, and none of them were in the 10-12 range, so that's not it.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
to chlorinate is simply to add chlorine to and you don't "chlorinate within". I understand the connection with the dating pool thing but it still doesn't make sense |
Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
chlorinate me daddy
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