Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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It's time to say goodbye… 
 EuphorianSea - The Ancient Stowaway
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Eh, I felt this was all over the place. There was a lack of structure and it was a bit awkward to read.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Wow, that’s a lot of words!  Shame my favorite part of the whole thing was the little snippet you gave out in the thread. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I've finally figured out your songwriting style. You don't write songs, you write prose poetry. I knew there was a reason every week I couldn't understand your flow, and it finally occurred to me there wasn't one to begin with. Because this is great imagery, but there's no way I could ever hear a song through this uneven detailing.
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Tymps. - Farewell
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
I didn’t really like this entry from you, you can do better. Not sure if you tried to too hard to go out of your comfort zone, but not your best, if I’m totally honest.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I was thinking air hell was a typo, then I saw farewell and I was like “oh…”
I just feel completely detached from the whole thing.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Great job with this song. I felt the anguish and the shame, but what your songs are lacking is a turning point. What connects the verse and the chorus? It can't be the last line in your verses because they make no sense going into the chorus. Sometimes having that extra pre-chorus is better than not having one at all…
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EatmeZayn - You and I
Not me and Jack starting with the same sentence… 
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
This was sweet! I can imagine a really empowering chorus that’s fun to listen to when reading these. One of my favourites from you and a lot better than last week, well done!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I really appreciated how the verses conveyed a sense of pleading and desperation. I also liked the theme you had for the first verse, but I was disappointed to see it was gone from the second verse. I don’t really know what to say about this entry except that it’s strong (both as an entry itself and in the emotions it conveys).
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
This was sweet. Really sweet. Some really odd lines in the second verse, so watch out for those, but overall it was nice to read.
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Scorpio King - My Dark Brown Eyes
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Brought a tear to my eye.  These are great lyrics and they obviously mean a lot to you. Well done, you did good this week, I enjoyed reading these! |
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I feel really bad about being critical of this piece because it’s coming from such a genuine place, and who am I to judge emotion?  I’ll start with what bothered me.
You were really specific in the outro. Although ‘brown eyes’ could be seen as a bit of an alienating term, it was the use of the date that really made it specific. I know that it’s a personal piece about your mother, and it’s just talking about what happened, but I feel you could also balance that with a sense of relation so that readers (or listeners if it’s a song) could relate easier and feel more empathetic…it’d cause a more powerful feeling.
Now for what I liked…some of the language used, like the metaphors and descriptive details. It painted a picture of what was going on…you kind of gave it a hauntingly beautiful feel. Although eyes are shining in the night, it’s anything but a beautiful time for you…and I liked how that contrasted. |
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
This was strong. It was personal and moving, and I can feel that you've felt this pain of saying goodbye before. It's not fake; this was purely genuine!
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feelslikeadream - Follow You
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
One of my favourites this week. It’s obvious this is a personal and touching subject for you, your lyrics really told a story of emotion and I loved that. Well done!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
Hmm…it’s not bad at all, but I feel like it’s the predictable route? I really took well to you doing something unexpected, so this was underwhelming to me.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
I was bored. I mean, for the first time this was not as strong as before. For the first time, I'm kinda disappointed by this… It just seems so obvious, and I could swear I've read these words before, so it's also kinda cliché.
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GotSkill - Hurts Holding On
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Nice lyrics. Not your best, and I honestly feel at this point that’s what you need to give. I felt these were lacking. Still good job!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
What’s going on here? I mean, I get it…I get what happened, but the correlation between verses and chorus seems off to me.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
If I was your father, I would be feeling the pain you're feeling up until the second part of the second verse. Then I would feel confused, because this is definitely a song written to your estranged father. Then it just gets too "all about me" around that point and I no longer care as much…
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Prometheus. - Let You Go
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Originally posted by Jack Lees
Your chorus was great, but the verses seem kinda awkward to read, like they’re too story like and don’t go with the rest of the song. Loved the chorus though!
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I feel like I’m the only one who just isn’t getting it. Everyone else seems to really like your entries, then I’m just sitting here wondering why everything is so literal.
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Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Where on earth did this come from? This is like songwriting 101 right here. There's no emotion, and it's just poorly expressed. I'd find a saving grace but we are literally two rounds into the final five; this is no time to choke…
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