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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Earlier tonight I was pearched in there and it said citrus, fefe, and jpow all joined but i couldnt see anyone talking or anything  |
omg I was perched in there and it said that Citrus joined and so I started to talk but then Citrus was never actually in there 
Do I need to make us a TogetherTube room? 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
omg I was perched in there and it said that Citrus joined and so I started to talk but then Citrus was never actually in there
Do I need to make us a TogetherTube room? |
A few nights ago we just used a different room, we can try that again (it worked somehow)
https://www.dubtrack.fm/join/matty-dylobs
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Me and Matty's room slaying 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch One
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Originally posted by 8thPrince
Hugamari –
I’m not sure if the unembellished account of the abuse matches with the sing-song nature of the piece, it comes across as a mismatch in voice. Unequivocally embracing the childish naiveté the piece draws on with the “one, two…” lines and making the piece more ambiguous from the speaker’s view would’ve made for a more compelling piece, I feel like. I was hoping you’d take this week to draw from a place that’s more negative and wild, but this might’ve still feels a bit too clean, too righteous, too reserved. In conclusion, I want you to draw from something that’s a bit uglier than what we got this week, a new side to the usually nice Hugamari.
Vision –
The ultimate realization of this challenge, wow. Thank you for sharing! I heard you’d rather not have lyrics reposted, so I won’t. Know that the entire chorus is the best chorus I’ve read all season! Striking imagery there. I literally gasped!
Citrus –
This was a really strong topic, I feel, and you made a piece that rose to the challenge. I definitely identify with this piece: encouragement is a two-sided coin, bearing the faces of comfort and guilt. “What if I’m not as good as people think I am?” “What will my family and friends think of me?” “Do I deserve to be believed in?” I think these are all questions that can break someone’s esteem, despite the positive intentions of those who support others. This was all smartly examined in your song, while incorporating your conversational manner of writing. I think this is another success for you, and I’m glad you took the challenge in stride.
MattyTacos –
I want to start off on a nice note and say I love the twist of expectations in the first two lines: nice play on words! Also the meter in this song is totally fine.
With the defiance of the character you’ve set up, I don’t get much of a feel of vulnerability. While it might be there somewhere, you don’t let your audience feel powerless as well with the lack of detail in this song. While the details didn’t need to be concrete, the situation definitely should’ve been less abstract so that we may be able to sympathize with it.
Nait –
“I feel like my imagination's lost its flame” this should’ve been the sentiment you really drove home. We already know you’re not the only one traveling down the path of a musical career, so narrowing your concept down to yourself would’ve been more effective than repeating that theme. I thought exploring doubt in the viewpoint of an artist in relation to his work would’ve made for a great song, but you never actually brought your work into question. Whether you overlooked this aspect, or weren’t ready to open yourself to questioning your work, I’m unsure. I just know it was a missed opportunity that could’ve taken this song from being shallow, to being quite compelling.
Mxtthew –
I do like how even without the bizarre idiosyncrasies, I can still tell this is you with how the song’s simplicity made it read like a PC music song.
I think this almost, but not quite, fits the idea of a song about peace. This is still the self-portrait challenge, however. It would’ve been more apt to talk about what brings YOU peace. A song about concrete qualities, people, values, and places that are distinct to you and put you at ease. Do you find peace in your room? Or in the middle of a forest? Are you at peace alone? Or surrounded by people? This song should’ve given us a greater understanding about you, and I’d say you put too much importance on this perfect person in your song. I can’t say I know anything more about you after reading this other than “mxtthew likes being with the perfect person who is nice to him”, which is a universal desire, sorry.
CountryBritney –
Unique take on the prompt in that the song itself is the extension of an olive branch and details the first steps in the resolution of the conflict. The presentation of a narrative was a great choice to give your audience a simultaneous look at the strain in your relationship with your mother and snapshots of your youth. I also like how the allocation of blame shifts between the two parties throughout the song, it gives a sense of movement to the story.
While the daughter gets a bit of elaboration, I would’ve liked an equal spotlight on what caused the mother to drift as well. As a whole, this piece could’ve been stronger had details from your note been added to your song. As is, the piece has great pacing, but lacks a few key elements of the full story.
Feelslikeadream –
“It was easy to cut the cord and break away, but I’ll never find a way to cut you out of my DNA” a genius one-liner. It’s a very nice twist on the traditional concept of family ties, breaking it down to a molecular level! Even if we aren’t emotionally or physically in contact with a parent, no matter how estranged, they’ll always be with us, whether we like it or not. Definitely not in my case! I can unfortunately relate with the pointed tone of this, the song is scalding. You easily met the requirements of the challenge this week, and I feel like you’ve broken out of your rut of “simply acceptable” songs that you’ve been in for quite a while now. This registered with me.
Achilles –
I’m not the type to see a single, sole cliché in an entire song and pounce on that, but when they fall in such frequent succession I simply have to point it out. “Blame on shoulders” “reap what you sow” “thrown to the dogs” “too late to change the past” “waiting down the road” etc none are original combinations of words, they’re all phrases well-ingrained in the English lexicon by this point, and to pull them out and use them as they are for a song isn’t a good exercise in creative songwriting.
I dislike how non-specific this song is. The two words a writer should always avoid are “it” and “thing”. “It” being an antecedent for objects/events that probably aren’t actually mentioned anywhere, and “thing” telling an audience that they need to imagine their own scenario. They’re lazy practices, especially in a challenge that’s supposed to be showcasing sides to a writer. Every instance of thing in your piece refers back to…nothing, and every use of it does the same. This piece isn’t nearly fleshed out enough. I agree with Hor, it reads like a Katy Perry track. You understand the tone and voice you need to approach this idea with, but you don’t have any idea of an actual message or narrative. Firework/Roar/[insert any Katy single here] Syndrome.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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“It was easy to cut the cord and break away, but I’ll never find a way to cut you out of my DNA” a genius one-liner.
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Agreed.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I don't have all the scores and stuff yet, but results should be ready to go at the normal time.
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Hugamari –
I’m not sure if the unembellished account of the abuse matches with the sing-song nature of the piece, it comes across as a mismatch in voice.
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I personally thought the juxtaposition of the lullaby-ish style with the dark theme was an interesting take, which is why I decided to take that path. Of course, other people won't always think like you do, so I can understand why you'd think differently!
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Unequivocally embracing the childish naiveté the piece draws on with the “one, two…” lines and making the piece more ambiguous from the speaker’s view would’ve made for a more compelling piece, I feel like.
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I think the other judges said this, too.  Or, at least, one did. I guess my ability to make dark scenes using metaphorical language could use work. 
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I was hoping you’d take this week to draw from a place that’s more negative and wild, but this might’ve still feels a bit too clean, too righteous, too reserved. In conclusion, I want you to draw from something that’s a bit uglier than what we got this week, a new side to the usually nice Hugamari.
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Well, I really have nothing that dark to draw from. I mean, at least not as far as revenge goes, but I'll keep this in mind. I'm not really sure if I can pull it off, though, since my strength seems to come from painting beautiful pictures with words, more than showing the ugly side of things.
Thank you, by the way. You've gave me some things to take into consideration. 
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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The ultimate realization of this challenge, wow. Thank you for sharing! Know that the entire chorus is the best chorus I’ve read all season! Striking imagery there. I literally gasped!
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I'm shook. 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Vision and Fefe getting that top 2 this week!
Didn't get a bad review from any judge, but it still felt like my song divided them for the most part.
@8thPrince happy with my review! Thank you. As for not elaborating on my mother, the only reason I didn't was because I was trying to make the song more about me as it was the self portrait challenge. I started writing what you said but I deleted it for that reason Oh well. I'll learn from that!
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
I like Mexican, but I don't eat onions, peppers, or beans, so my stuff is usually plain. Panchero's >>> because of their queso. Chipotle just tastes so plain without it.
And I love making quesadillas. Hor, let's have a quesadilla party on the night of the finale to watch Dylobs' crowning.
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Yas. A single party. No lie all that Mexican food talk excited the he'll out of me.
Y'all need to try alambres. They are a sister to queen fajitas
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Slay. Thanks 8th! As the judge to please, I'm glad you enjoyed my song.
I'm guessing based on reviews/leaked scores that I'll be around the 4-6 mark this week.
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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You know what? I'm actually glad I got these reviews! It made the strength of my song, "Only One", ring more true! I asked the question and you all confirmed the answer is a resounding "yes!" That's all I could ask for, some confirmation that no one understands my songs and I'm the only one who can…
(Well, me, Huga, and C. Brit)
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I hope there aren't sign ups, because I'm gonna miss them. 4 and a half hours away and I haven't slept yet. Lemme just set myself a good sis alarm.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Broken records eventually wear down and stop playing, right?
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
Broken records eventually wear down and stop playing, right?
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Eventually depends how bad
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
Broken records eventually wear down and stop playing, right?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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8th's B2 on the next page
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
MattyTacos –
I want to start off on a nice note and say I love the twist of expectations in the first two lines: nice play on words! Also the meter in this song is totally fine.
With the defiance of the character you’ve set up, I don’t get much of a feel of vulnerability. While it might be there somewhere, you don’t let your audience feel powerless as well with the lack of detail in this song. While the details didn’t need to be concrete, the situation definitely should’ve been less abstract so that we may be able to sympathize with it.
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Alright, thanks from the feedback. Kinda shocked you seemed to like it the most based on all the reviews. 
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