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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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All Reviews
Quote:
1. Vision - Pandora's Box
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This was a surprisingly shakey entry. Take the first verse for example: the 2nd and 4th couplets felt really constricted and bound to the rhyme scheme by construing really weird and impractical lines "You tried to reap what you did not sow" and "[Worlds rich beyond your wildest dreams] With minerals and so you cheat" (the second example being nothing short of egregious). The "Forbidden fruit" line sticks out oddly because of how poorly it's integrated into the rest of the verse as well. "But listen up we are no fox" broke the really formal nature of the language around it, and in general, the song's language and flow was too stiff. I think you described the themes and nailed the challenge efficiently, but the execution was a bit off. I think you tried too hard to capture the grandiose elements of the film with your style, and it backfired for me.
2. Hugamari - Memories
Spirited Away
I was SO confused by the first verse, specifically the first stanza. I'm still so confused by it I can't even articulate why I'm confused. The first two lines just make no sense with the last two in that stanza, and the same is true though to a somewhat lessor extent in the similar first stanza of the second verse. Yes, you captured the over-arching theme of the movie, but this song was just really tiring. Your exhaustion and lack of creativity really came through with this. It was you rewriting the same idea over and over without development until you filled up the length of the song. The chorus was kinda cute, but the verses were just so draining, and the bridge was absolutely useless. I really hope next week fairs better for you (providing you make it of course).
3. MattyTacos - Wildside
Roman Holiday
This entry had two main problems: flow, and redundancies. I'll start with examples of the latter: "I kept my lips locked / Never been one to talk", "I felt myself drift / Losing my sanity", "I promise not to deny… Couldn’t do it anyway" (to a lesser extent). In terms of flow, though, the second stanza on the second verse was all over the place with the four subjects going on, and the bridge "As we sit by the bay / And it tears me apart / Knowing I’ll break your heart / Because I can’t stay" was super choppy and awkward. Tying into that, I don't think that you pulled off the Quintrain structure well, the 5th line felt like it was dangling off of each stanza. "Like an earthquake / I’m breaking ground tonight" was a nice couplet, the outro was excellent, and you did a great job with the challenge, however.
4. Nait Phoenix - The Guardian's Mantra
Guardians of the Galaxy
This piece was decent: it had all the basics, but it was missing a second dimension to it. Interpret that as you will, but this needed something more, and I can't exactly pick out what it is. As for random comments: "A wrecking ball on its last limb" throwing two metaphors into one doesn't work. "You see the hell in one" one what? The literal number one? You lost me there. The second verse was WAY too dense, the organization and length was really messy. Despite that and the general corniness of the verse and song, in general, I still ended up liking that aspect of it? Weird. I think that made it accessible.
5. Achilles. - Somewhere to Belong
Harry Potter
Why was this all stanzas as opposed to verses and choruses etc.? Was this for a Broadway adaption of Harry Potter?  I'm not knocking you for it I just didn't get it. I don't think that this subject/challenge whatever really called for this and I would've rathered you try to wrap up the movie in a familiar format, but whatever, you do you. "I have to earn my keep / If I want food or sleep" was pretty redundant since "earn your keep" literally means the second line, and the me/family rhyme in the fifth stanza was a bit of a reach with stressing. I didn't like the ellipsis between the two perspectives/experiences or whatever; it felt like a cop-out in this instance. You went with a storyteller song this round, and to just abandon the meat of the story was offputting. I like that you took a risk with this, and though it didn't necessarily pay-off, it didn't really backfire either.
6. jpow - Just Scream
Harry Potter
I feel bad that I've kinda gone in on you Moreso than other contestants over the weeks, but girl… That chorus… It's just so basic, and the song itself is just so short; there's no meat to this. The verses were good, but I just can’t get over the chorus being so vanilla. If it were for an actual electronic song, whatever, but this is a lyric writing contest and there was nothing excellent about it. Ugh. I do agree with 8th that I think you honed in on way too specific of an aspect of the movie (since isn't the only unhappy ghost really Moaning Myrtle?) but I can at least see it working for a Myrtle scene or whatever. Magnum Opus was your Emancipation for me, let's not go for Elusive Chanteuse!
7. Tylerbv - Vicious Game
The Hunger Games
You're way too direct with your lyrics. "You could still have yourself a meaningful life", "I need to make it out alive so I can keep her safe," and "I can no longer tell what's real and what's not / And I'm losing sight of what this is all for" for example sound like quotes straight from a book or short story. I get that storyteller songwriting is your thing, but I want to start to see you bending and reaching for language that you wouldn't normally consider, and experiment with sentence structure all so that you can create and develop a style, because right now, there really isn't one. Even the title really lacks a creative interpretation or idea. I want you to stop taking and writing things at face value and add second dimensions to them. The song itself wasn't bad, it was just okay, and that's a dangerous realm to be in halfway through the competition. I know there's more to you, but are you just scared to unleash it? I'm not sure.
8. HausOfNiko - Emotions
Inside Out
My (major) problem with you at this point is that you bend over backward to fit your rhyme scheme. I know I told Tylerbv to "reach" for new language, but there's a difference between reaching for language you wouldn't normally consider, and then forcing your song to fit the confides of a rhyme scheme. When you change subjects or topics between your couplets in rhymes, it makes the "forcedness" of it really pop out. The first verse for example you had an ABAB rhyme scheme, and you also had an ABAB subject scheme; the verse didn't flow well and it became choppy because of that. In the second stanza of that verse, you're talking about moving and forgetting your old friends, but you end it with the father kissing her forehead when that didn't fit the rest of the content of that stanza. Those are the moments when you lose me, and your song loses its magic. Aside from that, I like that you got into Riley's head for the bridge and had the really kiddy imagery with the unicorns and pots of gold in that first stanza, but then you started using really massive language in the second, and that broke the character of it. I wish you would've fully considered the perspective you were writing from because that could've elevated this to a higher level. As a standalone song, it was decent, but the inconsistencies and rhyme-bending that I mentioned are your Achilles. heel at this point.
9. Citrus - Younger
Grown Ups
There was a lot that a liked about this. I really like the comical-light-hearted nature of this song; it was an excellent tone to go with the movie, it reminded me of Rock Slide in that way. I just really liked this. There are a few nitpicks that I could point out, but nothing that would help you later in the competition. Congrats on my first 10 of the season!
10. feelsikedream - Metropolis
Metropolis
Nine Rings, ha impact! I think your concept exceeded the execution. I really wanted this to have a chorus, not because I'm a purist, but because though the lyrics flowed, the song felt a bit choppy or broken? Each unit of the song functioned better than the piece as a whole, and it didn't feel entirely cohesive. I felt like there needed to be more communication between the parts of the song rather than 1 talking to 2, and 5 talking to 4 and 6 (though I'm aware that there were instances of different contacts like the refrain returning in the odd numbered verses). I wanted this to have a chorus to bundle it up. The lyrics themselves were great, though, the rhyming was natural and flexible, and the imagery was felt meticulously placed and used. This great, no doubt about it, but I just wasn't as scalped as hard as I could've been.
11. Moonchild - River
Spirited Away
I've given you 8s 4 out of the past 5 rounds, and this will now make it 5 for 6. That's obviously not a bad thing, but I'm just bored of giving you 8s. I want you to push yourself more, I'd love to see you do something like what Fefe did for example, even just by changing your structure. For the most part, your songs are starting to LOOK the same, with quatrains galore, and the standard VCVC + maybe BC. Your language seems to twist and flow in the same way each week, and like Niko, I want to see you reaching for new language. Anyone should be comfortable with good to great, but I want to have my weave ripped off already; I'm still waiting for that moment. I know you've taken risks before, like last week the dominant sex song, but I really want to see you go balls to the wall and put it all out there and try something radical ( and succeed in doing that, obviously). I want to push you to grow because I think you've gotten too comfortable with where you are now.
12. Dylobs - Double Agent
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Your language is SoOoOoO stiff. "Thus I embarked on a questionable mission" is so straight and bland; this feels like something I would've read in my 18th century World Lit class. The lamb-ness is shining through too much. I think you're trying to go for a Moonchild-esque style - not copying, but I feel like you're looking for something in that vain - and it's not working. Your lryics don't flow because the language is so stiff and bougie. If you start writing your songs sooner (fat) I think you could get some really helpful and important critiques from your fellow contestnats to help mitigate this issue. For the song itself, I really like that you honed in on this aspect of the movie; it's a great way to encompass it as a whole. "A balancing act, where I tipped the wrong way" slayed.
13. CountryBritney - El Laberinto Del Fauno
Pan's Labyrinth
This was excellent. I love the flow, your vocabulary, and the eerie vibe your pretty effortlessly created, and this was also a nice change of pace for you! My only real problem was that the song somewhat lacks direction in that there's not a climax or focal point of the piece as a whole. But you killed this, so whatever!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
I wonder if judges will think my simplicity fits the time period or drag me for it
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Hey fefe who does Freder's father fire in the first act? Just curious
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Score average was a 6.8 for this round, my 2nd highest for a round this season.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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lemme steal tempura's thunder by sandwiching his reviews with mine  (I have 5 more to review tho)
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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fffff the LASHINGS this round, good luck everybody
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
Hey fefe who does Freder's father fire in the first act? Just curious
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Am I supposed to know the names of insignificant characters now to write a song? I assume you're talking about that dude whom he fires after his son returns and that other dude tells him about the papers on the dead workers.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Am I supposed to know the names of insignificant characters now to write a song? I assume you're talking about that dude whom he fires after his son returns and that other dude tells him about the papers on the dead workers.
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I'm just checking after reading your song, is all  Josaphat is also not insignificant tbf.
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Oh, and thanks Temp  I def considered making a chorus that somehow addressed all 7 or something, but I found this list of popular songs from 1927 and looked up a lot of the lyrics and based on this (admittedly small) sample, it seemed like the repeated line/refrain was more popular than a straight chorus repeated multiple times, so I did that.
(I also thought it worked better as a tempting lullaby type song if each verse pulled the guy deeper and deeper with no 'break' for the chorus.)
Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
I'm just checking after reading your song, is all Josaphat is also not insignificant tbf. |
Wait, slay! Josaphat is what I'm naming my 2nd child. (My 1st will be 8thPrince.)
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
swfitie didn't even write reviews so
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Oh, I thought he was joking. 
Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Truffles rap verse >>>
iconic
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Never thought I'd see the day where a Taylor stan recognized talent.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Yeah I don't get this challenge at all really, it was rubbish. I thought the point was to make a song that blends into the film or captures the essence of the film, but i'm being dragged for not making the song be about me and trying too hard to capture the elements of the film.
ff
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Yeah I don't get this challenge at all really, it was rubbish. I thought the point was to make a song that blends into the film or captures the essence of the film, but i'm being dragged for not making the song be about me and trying too hard to capture the elements of the film.
ff
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I assume this is about me, in which case I didn't drag you for trying to capture the elements of the film, I "dragged" you for trying to incorporate it in your writing and style and failing to make it work.
I thought you did a fine job with the challenge, but I didn't like the way you changed your style this round with your lyrics themselves.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
Yeah I don't get this challenge at all really, it was rubbish. I thought the point was to make a song that blends into the film or captures the essence of the film, but i'm being dragged for not making the song be about me and trying too hard to capture the elements of the film.
ff
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love how British your fumes are
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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wow I'm going to get eliminated
it was fun while it lasted
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Quick question: did any of the judges realize the pre-choruses and choruses were not entirely the same? More specifically, the pronouns of the verses. There seems to be little reasoning to change what they're called if they are essentially the same thing, but I can understand if you did not reread the prechoruses and choruses due to a possible misinterpretation.
That being said, thank you both for your reviews… 
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Wait, why am I just noticing this!? We could've chosen the same movie…? 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
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Magnum Opus was your Emancipation for me, let's not go for Elusive Chanteuse!
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Let me not
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
ugh I don't feel like grading Dylobs, ha entry.
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The rudeness.mp3
Temporals review is very...interesting
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Elusive Chanteuse >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 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Member Since: 8/6/2015
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NGL after reading Temporals review like 3 times, I still don't get iT 
SOS pls someone help me it's not healthy.
The one thing I got was that I was emulating Moonchilds style which is weird since I think I've only ever read like 1 or 2 of his songs
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