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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT • season six
Member Since: 3/6/2014
Posts: 308
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Did you skip my comments or something?  |
Oop! I was so suicidal from GS's I didn't even read yours.
But yaaaasss I'm glad you got the point of the song. Once you get inside of it and recognize the feel and meaning, it's really beautiful.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
This was probably the most innovative approach to the challenge, so I have to commend you for that. My favorite line was “two fighters on the sidelines”. I really hope this isn’t from personal experiences 
Your writing style reminds me a little of Tymps’ from last season, which is a good thing. You have a very alternative style that works well for you. Just make sure that in the coming weeks you don’t let that style prohibit you from growing and exploring new styles.
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It is  The whole thing was about me.
Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
You had an interesting take on the challenge, using ‘two voices’ of the same person rather than two separate people. I appreciate you tackling a serious subject, but the lyrics lack nuance. A song can be confessional and get at hard truths, but it still needs to have a certain something that elevates the language above a straight journal entry.
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I'm trying to understand what you mean - but I don't.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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So many comments I want to quote but I'm on mobile 
Song lyrics are really personal. It's like a piece of you, or a diary entry. And when we judge them it's like we're judging your life, what you're going through, as well as your writing abilities. That's why I think people can get a bit emotional in here 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Omg, after reading through keshaspearsxo's comments, I'm shocked. I actually had this concept in mind of going back to my transsexual days (don't even ask me f) and instead of there being two people...it was 'two voices', you know? I commend you for tackling such a unique approach  I chickened out at the last minute myself 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Thank you both for the feedback about my song! Glad I improved a lot this week & I'll make sure to work on the rhymes/lyrics.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I guess the emotional thing just doesn't connect with me. I understand how people can get that way, but I'm a heartless bitch, personally.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
Omg, after reading through keshaspearsxo's comments, I'm shocked. I actually had this concept in mind of going back to my transsexual days (don't even ask me f) and instead of there being two people...it was 'two voices', you know? I commend you for tackling such a unique approach I chickened out at the last minute myself |
Aw, thank you  I almost decided to use my immunity instead, but I'm glad I didn't.
This was my entry.
 Today I Wont Eat[Verse 1]
Today I won't eat
To make me feel complete
Trust me it's worth it
To stop me feeling worthless
[Verse 2]
Is it worth the pain
and driving myself insane?
I think I'm there already
and it feels beyond scary
[Pre-chours]
Don't do this to yourself
Why can't I love myself
I think that I need help
Ending this battle inside
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Then crashing down the cycle starts
The mirror strikes me like a knife
And it's drilling in my mind
[Hook]
It hurts, it hurts, because I haven't ate today
My body says stop but my minds screaming stay
It's sad, it's sad, the world made me this way
Tomorrow comes around and it's another day I'll say
Today I won't eat
[Verse 3]
Started when I was only ten
Been poisoned ever since then
I'll sweep it right under the rug
Like my parents felt they could
[Verse 4]
Now I've got the habit
And some things never change
There's no help left for me
So I'll just ride on through the pain
[Pre-chorus]
Don't do this to yourself
Why can't I love myself
I think that I need help
Ending this battle inside
With my two fighters on the sidelines
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Then crashing down the cycle starts
The mirror strikes me like a knife
And it's drilling in my mind
[Hook]
It hurts, it hurts, because I haven't ate today
My body says stop but my minds screaming stay
It's sad, it's sad, the world made me this way
Tomorrow comes around and it's another day I'll say
Today I won't eat
[Bridge]
I won't send out a cry for help
It's rooted somewhere too deep now
And contrary to what you'd think
I really don't want to die
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Wish I could stay that way inside
I'll greet the mirror like a friend
And see an image smiling back
It's within myself and I can feel it
I just need a helping hand
But it's hard to reach the lowest depths
Where you'll find half of my mind
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Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
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Aww, keshaspears.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Here's my song "Cheating", It's Country/Pop, so when reading, keep that in mind.
Purple = Girl
Royal Blue = Guy
Green = Both
Cheating
(verse)
Every morning you come home at 6am
I never know where you've been
You say you've been out with your friends
I can still smell the perfume, on your neck
But you still lie and make me fall again
(hook)
One lie, after another
Their building up, about to go under
Take a breath, think about your next word
Cause that could be the word that
Ends the two of us
(chorus)
You lie, you cheat
You think I'm naive
The smoke, the sweat
I smell it from your neck
The girls, you kiss
Do you know their names
My heart's no longer beating
You've been cheating
(verse)
Every morning I come home at 6am
I know you're up wondering, where I've been
I tell you I've been out with friends
While I try to hide the smell from my neck
But I still lie and make you fall again
(hook)
One lie, after another
Their building up, about to go under
Take a breath, think about my next word
Cause that could be the word that
Ends the two of us
(chorus)
I lie, I cheat
I think you're naive
The smoke, the sweat
You smell it from my neck
The girls, I kiss
I don't know their names
Your heart's no longer beating
I've been cheating
(bridge)
So close, we're about to fall apart
You're in the corner, trapped with a broken heart
I lie to myself, saying everything's okay
The clock is ticking, this is our final round
There's no more hiding, I can't pretend no more
We both have to face the truth
I'm, I'm through with you
(hook)
One lie, after another
Their building up, about to go under
Take a breath, think about our next word
Cause that could be the word that
Ends the two of us
(chorus)
We lie, we cheat
We're both naive
The smoke, the sweat
We both know it's from your neck
The girl's been kissed
They have no names
Our heart's no longer beating
We've been cheating
(We've been cheating x2)
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Aw, thank you I almost decided to use my immunity instead, but I'm glad I didn't.
This was my entry.
Today I Wont Eat
[Verse 1]
Today I won't eat
To make me feel complete
Trust me it's worth it
To stop me feeling worthless
[Verse 2]
Is it worth the pain
and driving myself insane?
I think I'm there already
and it feels beyond scary
[Pre-chours]
Don't do this to yourself
Why can't I love myself
I think that I need help
Ending this battle inside
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Then crashing down the cycle starts
The mirror strikes me like a knife
And it's drilling in my mind
[Hook]
It hurts, it hurts, because I haven't ate today
My body says stop but my minds screaming stay
It's sad, it's sad, the world made me this way
Tomorrow comes around and it's another day I'll say
Today I won't eat
[Verse 3]
Started when I was only ten
Been poisoned ever since then
I'll sweep it right under the rug
Like my parents felt they could
[Verse 4]
Now I've got the habit
And some things never change
There's no help left for me
So I'll just ride on through the pain
[Pre-chorus]
Don't do this to yourself
Why can't I love myself
I think that I need help
Ending this battle inside
With my two fighters on the sidelines
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Then crashing down the cycle starts
The mirror strikes me like a knife
And it's drilling in my mind
[Hook]
It hurts, it hurts, because I haven't ate today
My body says stop but my minds screaming stay
It's sad, it's sad, the world made me this way
Tomorrow comes around and it's another day I'll say
Today I won't eat
[Bridge]
I won't send out a cry for help
It's rooted somewhere too deep now
And contrary to what you'd think
I really don't want to die
[Chorus]
When days are high I feel alive
Wish I could stay that way inside
I'll greet the mirror like a friend
And see an image smiling back
It's within myself and I can feel it
I just need a helping hand
But it's hard to reach the lowest depths
Where you'll find half of my mind
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So emotional!! This is brilliant! I hope you do so well!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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pears why did you neglect to tell me that was about personal experience. 
...
I knew what my comment was from the preview from feelslikeadream, haha. And I'm not surprised in the slightest that it was deemed a bit cheesy. I totally agree, it was almost more like a parody in the end than an actual song I guess. But at least it made y'all laugh, that was the intention!  I'm happy.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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We'll see what Huga's comments and scores add to the mix. It'll be a quadruple elimination. After this week there will never be more than 3 eliminated in a week though
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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I'm already feeling anxious about who's going home and we're in the top 20 It's gonna get worse every week when we lose talented writers who just had bad weeks
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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welp  that quad. elimination
Definitely feel like i shouldve used the immunity
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam Jay
pears why did you neglect to tell me that was about personal experience. |
from our pm's
Quote:
Hahaha, I would hope not. It's pretty factual and telling. Crazy.
I'm still not 100% on it because it's just pretty ugly and sore. It's certainly not appealing. but I think I want to go through with it.
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Quote:
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Hm. I kinda thought about this stuff when i was finishing the song. I think the duet thing seems a lot more understandable now and i added lines to make it more obvious. I really didn't want to have it as two different people. Well, it kind of was. I mean, it's about myself, but two sides of myself.
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I thought I made it obvious 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
from our pm's
I thought I made it obvious |
I thought you were speaking figuratively since your last song seemed pretty personal too yet it wasn't.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam Jay
I thought you were speaking figuratively since your last song seemed pretty personal too yet it wasn't. |
The last one took some personal influence from feelings, but it wasn't about me and wasn't anything which literally happened to me. Whereas this one was more autobiographical, these were actual events. Fiction vs. non-fiction
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
The last one took some personal influence from feelings, but it wasn't about me and wasn't anything which literally happened to me. Whereas this one was more autobiographical, these were actual events. Fiction vs. non-fiction |
I see that now. But when you said, "two sides of me," I thought you were speaking figuratively, as if you were projecting the events of the song onto yourself and that you were telling this story from two different points of view within oneself, not that they actually happened to you. IDK why I thought that. But it's good that you could be so honest about this.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam Jay
I see that now. But when you said, "two sides of me," I thought you were speaking figuratively, as if you were projecting the events of the song onto yourself and that you were telling this story from two different points of view within oneself, not that they actually happened to you. IDK why I thought that. But it's good that you could be so honest about this. |
Oh mess  Maybe my wording was a little weird to avoid going too deep, but yeah, the I in the song is literally I. Verse 3 was probably the most autobiographical.
I think it's easy to share online and in a place such as this. I don't mean to spill myself everywhere though, just when it is called for, like in writing. I mean, I share in some relationships but it's not something which is open or which I parade around with. Actually, I feel the same way about sexuality.
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 5,608
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I completely agree with the comments for my song. I wanted to add a brige because it felt it would be too short, like a two minute song but once i got the bridge, i got writers block and literally could not think of anything. Which is why i just repeated the chorus at the end.
And as i stated before, the chorus was weak. But i'm proud of the verses, though i agree they could have been longer.
Also, i agree with what you said about adding for metaphors to Nicki's verse. That was my approach at first, but i'm just not able to come up with clever metaphors like she does. I knew writing a rap verse for Nicki would be risky, but i think i did better than i thought i would. And the comments were not as negative as i though they'd be.
Oh and yea, the "slayed your whole life" was inspired by a verse in one if Nicki's songs, but i can't remember the name at the moment.
EDIT: Yea, you said it. It's from Till The World Ends Remix
Thanks guys
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