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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
****it I have other **** to worry about besides where I place in a game
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It appears as though you have bigger fish to fry than plaitnum hit!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
Your style is becoming so distinct and powerful. I suspect this started last season, but I can only compare to the last time I judged you last year, and I sense a huge artistic shift for the better. Your imagery was so vivid I could practically see shimmering blue waters in my mind  . On the other hand, your sporadic rhyme scheme threw me off a bit and worked against your (always) flawless meter to disturb the flow more than I would have liked. In addition, I thought this song was too serene and calming to convey feelings of intense joy and happiness. I realize there’s a thin line between blissfully happy and ecstatically happy, but I felt a bit too much of the former in this.
Thanks! I was headed more for this kind of definition, playing with a trance like, or mystic interpretation, rather than just excitement or happiness, but I see what you mean. As well as with the rhyme scheme, I guess it would make more sense to follow a pattern rather than being sporadic, because I certainly just throw them wherever. Thank you
Quote:
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an emotional or religious frenzy or trance-like state, originally one involving an experience of mystic self-transcendence.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
"And the first kiss, awkward lips," such beautiful and clever wordplay within this song. This is one of my favorites by you yet. The beauty of this love and all their colorful fragments piece together to create something that I feel is very vivid and descriptive. Euphoria and sensuality piece together a great tone of ecstasy. Well done.
Thank you 
keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
General: You kept your concept for more than a one-off metaphor, so that alone makes your song much stronger! However, I can't help but feel that this is about Leonardo DiCaprio. (Not good or bad - just a general observation.) Your language was a bit odd to me, but I know better than to think it wasn't anything but on purpose. Anyway, speaking of the water imagery you used Clarkson , the whole song was kind of like floating gently along a stream, with no high or low points along the way.
Does it fit the challenge: Okay, so to not make myself look stupid, I googled ecstasy for any meanings alternative to the one I had, and behold there were other meanings! I didn't fully get the sense of your emotion in any of those forms, but I can see where you were taking it.
It's not about anything specific like Titanic but it totally should be. With my writing being more to the poetic side rather than blunt, it's a bit different to try to express that emotion, especially with one that is generally intense like ecstasy, because my writing is more subtle and I tried to steer it in that direction. I picture more so the ecstasy of a beautiful moment, and the ecstasy of the relationship's memories, rather than something actually internal. I was kind of explaining the situation as such, rather than the person feeling it.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
keshaspearsxo – Bottle (Ecstasy)
Your style is becoming so distinct and powerful. I suspect this started last season, but I can only compare to the last time I judged you last year, and I sense a huge artistic shift for the better. Your imagery was so vivid I could practically see shimmering blue waters in my mind . On the other hand, your sporadic rhyme scheme threw me off a bit and worked against your (always) flawless meter to disturb the flow more than I would have liked. In addition, I thought this song was too serene and calming to convey feelings of intense joy and happiness. I realize there’s a thin line between blissfully happy and ecstatically happy, but I felt a bit too much of the former in this.
Thanks! I was headed more for this kind of definition, playing with a trance like, or mystic interpretation, rather than just excitement or happiness, but I see what you mean. As well as with the rhyme scheme, I guess it would make more sense to follow a pattern rather than being sporadic, because I certainly just throw them wherever. Thank you |
I did my Google research of course  , and it didn't feel quite trance like to me either. But I liked your song a lot, and more than last week's so it shouldn't be too much to worry about.
@tymps there wasn't really anything to distinguish the song between being about rape or just a bad romance, but knowing what you intended still doesn't change any judgments. But like you said you have bigger things to worry about.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
If it's flipped, it's:
Vulnicura, Matty
Pears, Jax, 8th, Moon
Ausdanial, jpow, Euphorian, ceremonials, Kworb, Clarkson, Element
Dylobs, inunorg, Conatus, Kunst, Cheetah, Achilles, Jack!
Buyonce, Tymps, Blue
URBAN |
So it was this, then
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
ClarksonSlays – Pain Remains (Guilt)
This gives me Otto teas tbh.
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Mess what a horrible way to start a review 
Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
I did my Google research of course , and it didn't feel quite trance like to me either. But I liked your song a lot, and more than last week's so it shouldn't be too much to worry about. |
In that case I'll work on my rhyming patterns
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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I hope I snatch top 10 this round
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Thank you judges! You've all at least liked it so far so that's good.
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ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 6/29/2002
Posts: 77,601
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Originally posted by Hugamari
19. Kworb – Reshape (Freedom)
General: Structurally, you took a very different approach!  I like the meter you have on this song, and I kind of love some of your word choices! I do think just having a lengthy chorus repeated twice was a bit of a cop-out, but at least you did something different! Thematically, you also chose something very different I wouldn't have expected something like it given the theme.
Does it fit the challenge: I'm not so sure about that. In one way, it does...but the part about guiding evolution doesn't sound very free to me. 
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Thanks for the kind words! I actually had an alternate chorus to end with, but I didn't use it as it strayed a bit from the emotion.
I wanted to convey freedom in the sense that Earth/nature was now free of mankind, so she could once again guide life without mankind controlling and destroying it. And life itself would be free to thrive as there would be no intelligent and dominant species.
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Originally posted by GotSkill
19. Kworb – Reshape (Freedom)
This was my favorite entry from you so far. I loved the meaning behind the song and the fact that you took the word freedom completely differently than anyone else this round. I do think your verses needed a bit more structure. They could be divided up better and cut off in certain places to keep a better meter and more consistent rhyme scheme. I’d like to see you try to write a song with a tighter structure that keeps your same original interpretation of music and unique lyricism.
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I imagined this as an epic symphonic rock/metal song so I went for the long and sweeping verses. I definitely want to try and write something tighter, it's more challenging for me. Glad this was your favorite, it's mine as well.
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Originally posted by Meowster
19. Kworb – Reshape (Freedom)
You have such a lovely way with words, Kworb, you really do. The thoughts and ways you get around to expressing the themes of your work is really something else. Your strongest asset is the building you do with atmosphere and image - "blue depths," "rivers that roll down hills." This was a different perspective of freedom and I enjoyed seeing this twist with it.
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Thanks Meowster! I love how your comments to everyone are so positive and encouraging.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
I'm just a victim of the weapon in my hand  |
Yess 
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Yeah actually can we just take a second to appreciate Meowster's judging? 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Literally why do you have to spray on your tacky cologne at 8 in the morning don't make me suffer just because your nasty ass couldn't take a shower.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
21. ClarksonSlays – Pain Remains (Guilt)
"I prayed for you to come home, soon I realized I was alone." Interesting topic for dealing with guilt. I almost think you could have gotten away without telling us the subtext with 9/11. It's all so jarring, fragmented, scattered. There are times of connected thought. There are times of chaos. You showed this in your writing and I, as someone else who has a morbid interest in tragedies such as this, appreciate taking the time to look at something so disturbed and tragic through the eyes of something different than, say, depression. Survivals guilt is a very real thing.
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Positive review Thank you!
And @GS, I remember Otto now 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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I keep seeing Hunter's avi and thinking it's Luke. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
I keep seeing Hunter's avi and thinking it's Luke. |
I've done some double takes ngl
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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@ me inspiring Clarkson to write about tragedies. ImpaCcT~~~~!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
07. jpow – Resolution (Ecstasy)
The sexual nature of this song really speaks to me (no jokes). I think that sexual pleasure is probably the most physical, primal, and passionate form that ecstasy can take. Your words were very simple - reaching for you to advance, to give in, to listen. The bridge of the song literally sounds like a climax just before you're exhausted and it is awesome to me.
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I'm glad you like it! 
I've gotten mostly positive reviews from everyone, maybe I'll actually make it to the next round 
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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I am in the same city as Britney for a flight connection and I am so unhappy, like I could be staring at her right now and I wouldn't even know 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
12. UFO – Dancing With The Daffodils (Freedom)
General: The consistency between the first and second verse. I like the juxtaposition of it, and it gave your metaphor that much more power! It was a clever move for you to do, I think. I also liked how the freedom was like, removing doubt, or at least seeing past it, given the references to mist and smoke alluding to uncertainty.
Does it fit the challenge: I would say it does, yes! With minimal cliches, too (Not that it's surprising for YOU, it's surprising for the emotion) I like how your freedom was like a freedom from yourself, or seeing freedom in accepting yourself. Strong approach!
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I'll stay afloat on the river
I'll be dancing, dancing with the daffodils
Thanks! 
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12. UFO – Dancing With The Daffodils (Freedom)
BITCH. How DARE you change your name on us? Well there goes all your relevance/credibility. Suck on THAT Wooden Branch, and yes I went there.
Anyways, your chorus was flawless. The verses could use some work as far as meter goes, but your language was all there. I almost wished you had been a bit more poetic here and returned more to your prose style, but I appreciate that I could tell what every word meant and that you kept the beauty in your style. I could sense the freedom without even glancing at what emotion you had, so good job at that.
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Bitch as if I care 
I'm glad you liked my chorus! It's probably the tightest one I've written yet. I definitely struggled with the verses. It was originally more poetic but I felt like that would diminish the meaning of the song rather than enhance it. Thanks!
Quote:
12. UFO – Dancing With The Daffodils (Freedom)
Dancing With The Daffodils, from an image standpoint, is such a cute thing to imagine. I can't think of anything more carefree than something that innocent and natural. My favorite part of your song were the mirrored verses, between the first and the second, juxtaposing "heaven" and "hell" here was really awesome and helped build up the theme to the selection. The song definitely fit in with the challenge guidelines and felt naturally easy, breezy, and unique.
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I actually didn't notice that I juxtaposed "heaven" and "hell" I did want to shift the tone a bit though! Thank you! "Easy, breezy, and unique" spi;gfkmedsgikdslgskpmhg;mfsdgpksdlmgkds let me LIVE
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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I did not expect the critical acclaim. I was originally conflicted with choosing between Ecstasy and Freedom since I feel like a "dancing with the daffodils" concept can be applied effectively to both. I'm happy I stayed with Freedom. I feel like Ecstasy would've sounded too forced and detached.
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