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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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All Reviews
Quote:
1. Hugamari - Bastard Child
Hor Records
You had a lot of nice moments, a few bad, and virtually no great moments. I thought this was an interesting concept, but I don't necessarily buy it. Having been born out of wedlock in a religious family, both of my parents really didn't care that much and were generally unfazed by me and the whole situation. I'll give you a pass because I'm sure that someone, somewhere would be able to empathize with this, but I still think this was a bit melodramatic or exaggerated. You had a lot of forced or predictable rhymes in this. In the first verse, I get that you what you were going for with the rhymes, but the lines - specifically the first two - came across as super forced because of that, and by themselves, the lines weren't that great (they were definitely bland, though again, I get what you were going for with the storyteller aspect). "Shame/Blame" was borderline nauseating, and you made "Church/Birth" feel terribly forced. "They see their vanished youth inside of me" using "vanished" as an adjective was really jarring. I think you succeeded in the storytelling aspect, but I don't think this label was the right fit for you.
2. Nait Phoenix - Cinders
Saga Entertainment
"For granted, it's been taken" uGH inverted sentences are GROSS. This was far too vague. The first verse was super disjointed, it hopped around in its subject every couplet and that made it hard to appreciate as a larger body. It gets slightly better later on - I can tell you that you're talking about the same thing(s) in the other parts of the song - but I have no idea what the overall subject is. I can't really get into the other bits of this without understanding something that essential. For what it's worth, I think you did the challenge justice.
3. Vision - Chasing Alice
Saga Entertainment
Very nice job with the double entendre! You kept it up throughout the song, and I really, really appreciated that. You had momentary lapses in it though - "I'll lay her gently on the table / Where I can take her all night" was good for the cocaine interpretation, but was kinda rapey for the "lover" interpretation and lacked the creativity of the rest of the song - and the "Me/Free", "Down/Underground" and "Around/Drown" rhymes felt contrived. I think you could've used a bridge as well, but overall this was very nice. If you can be as creative with your rhymes as you are with your concepts, you'll be golden.
4. Citrus - Scary Movie
Saga Entertainment
This was probably the first concept for the season that I really didn't like. I think that this could've been a cute metaphor for a line or a couplet, but for an entire song, it was just a bit much. There's not a lot of places that you can take this, and there's really not a lot of room for interpretation with this either. I just couldn't get the meaning behind "I wanna take you to a scary movie / And be scared with you for life". The chorus was really where this fell apart, it lacked a hook or any sort of musical qualities; it just read straight like a poem. I also think that you didn't really push yourself with this, and you really need to. This wasn't a bad entry, it just felt oddly uninspired.
5. mxtthedelrey - Thinking About You, Girl
776 Records
This was "Girl's World" or whatever realm and that is not cute. We need to get back to Prayer Pose. You said this was a serious entry, but the rhymes were honestly egregious. The concept was cute with the "Boys put on your thinking caps / Time for us to THINK IN CAPS" refrain and the structure was cute, but otherwise, I really don't know what to say.
6. CountryBritney - Georgie
776 Records
Really everything about this was fine. Very few bad moments, but no great moments either. My biggest complaint is that the pre-chorus really disrupts the flow of the song: you wrote it like a quatrain, but in reality, it's a quintrain. You stuffed two lines into one with a comma in the first line, and there's no way to read it as an ABCB stanza. It's really an ABCDB rhyme scheme, and I lose the "B" rhyme by the time that I get to it, so it comes across as super messy. The "luminiscent/anti-depressants" rhyme was very trite, and I wasn't a fan of the "CD" scheme at the end of the verses (but that's a personal thing as opposed to a mistake or error). For the concept and meat of the song, I didn't like that you gave the character a name. For a pop song, the more applicability, the better, and by giving the love interest a specific name, you took that quality away. Finally, this wasn't entirely what I was looking for for my label. I didn't get any or enough "fresh lyrics, nuanced language, and original, conceptualized themes" with this, and with your chorus ending with "Run away with me," it made this flaw even more apparent.
7. Buyonce1814 - Jimmy
Railroad Records
Though this somewhat comes with the genre, this entry was pretty corny, from the concept to the rhymes you choose. The "Tennessee/Hospitality" was really emblematic of this, forcing me to read it with the heaviest southern drawl I can think of. I also lost the rhyme scheme in the second verse: in your first verse it was AABBCC which is super easy to digest, but in the second I have no idea what you were going for, AAABBC maybe? I shouldn't have to guess for the rhyme scheme, you should've kept it AABBCC in this case. The storytelling aspect here was lacking a bit as well, it's obvious that Jimmy left one day because he was unhappy, but you never explain WHY he was unhappy. One day Jimmy is just drunk off his ass and decides to move to Tennessee? That was a huge moment of disconnect. Besides those things, I really liked your structure, and I like that you're developing or have developed your own unique style this season.
8. Tylerbv - You and I
Railroad Records
I liked the concept of this, but your meter/flow was so hard to follow. For example, your chorus syllable structure was 8/6/6/8/9/9/5/10, while not terrible, it didn't flow as well as it could have (You also had a slightly wonky 8/7/11/10 structure in your first verse). That's one of my biggest problems with your songs at this point, is that the flow isn't as tight as it needs to be. On top of that, your lines are often too straight: they're too colloquial and often lack lyrical elements like imagery and just general poeticism. Those are two things you really need to lock down on at this point in the competition, if you don't already, please find someone in the game to help you revise your songs and really hammer you on those things. (Note: I didn't like "rat race car chase" at first - mostly because I've never heard of it until now - but the alliteration and internal rhyme were nice.)
9. Jaxswim - If You Can't Take the Heat
Railroad Records
"Strollin’ up with my fresh look on me... Hide everything, I’m like a tsunami" DE-LETE-IT-FAT. I liked the refrain for this, but there were plenty of (almost comical) off moments throughout: "Takin’ a break ain’t something I’ll ever see / Not while my life’s this great", "Here’s what happens when a heart gets broken / Here’s what happens when love goes away" and the entirety of the second verse. You were really trying for the bad-cowboy-rebel persona or whatever, but there were too many poorly executed moments that the entire illusion fell flat. This is definitely not the style that you should be writing in, and I hope you'll consider that for the next round.
10. MattyTacos - Head Over Heart
Hor Records
Every single rhyme here was an easy rhyme, and the concept here was pretty tired. This was a watered down Viva La Vida really. Llike many entries this week, this stayed a pretty middling level throughout, avoiding going for the jugular -except for "Sipping on our history, guess I’ll have another drink" which was at least somewhat creative - and felt like a throwaway filler track. The storyteller aspect for Hor's label was also missing too, there wasn't any depth beyond "we broke up and now I'm alone" to this. Your flow was nice at the very least, as were the rest of the mechanics, but I'm not going to patronize you by saying that this was anything beyond okay. Stop lingering around in the world of cliche's and overdone concepts and start veering towards some more thematical pieces like your R1-3 entries.
11. jpow - Magnum Opus
Saga Entertainment
This was quite nice. I really liked the concept, and lyrically, I could see this fitting on an Indie artist's EP. This was an issue last week as well; I think you really had to work hard to make the rhyme scheme cooperate. "La Grande Jatte / Awake", "it / American Gothic", and the "Shell/Swell" lines were all indicative of this. They weren't necessarily forced, but they definitely didn't feel natural. I appreciate that you reached for language that you wouldn't otherwise consider had you not been writing a song, but by splitting your lines up with the commas they didn't come across as... genuine? I really hope you get what I mean from that  I don't like the choppy style of those lines and the flow of this in general, but your concept and lyrics by themselves were so good otherwise that I could forgive you in this instance.
12. Ceremonials - Areola
Hor Records
Low-key loved this.
13. feelslikeadream - Rest
Saga Entertainment
I'm loving your "home" concepts for this season, you're doing an incredible job with it. I had a few minor quarrels with this: "You can sing there ain’t no grave / That can hold your body down" was split up weirdly, "the green grass" was really funny since "green" was such a bland and almost redundant adjective to use, and I wish you would've spread out the lifetime a little more evenly: shoving it all into the first verse killed a bit of development. While what you're doing now is working, I'm not sure how long you can stay in this safe place and style before it finally wears down. Some of your imagery is starting to get tired - hasn't the sun been in like, every one of your entries? - and I don't want you to pull a Moonchild this season. Keep pushing yourself.
14. HausOfNiko - Ballerinas Dancing on the Moon
776 Records
I literally exclaimed "NO" with that first couplet: "Shadow/Meadow" was SO forced, and "Home/Hope" wasn't much better. You had one too many Grammar issues for me to not point these out: "They're" not "their" and "thought" should've been plural in V1, while it should've been "our" not "are" in the bridge. As for the song itself, you're continuing to show development, the concept was meh, but your execution was very nice and original. I wasn't sure about the title at first, but your chorus was quite nice and you made it work. There were still some clunky lines though: "The Lightless Winds" (wtf is this supposed to mean? Aren't all winds ""lightless??""), "Wish it were dark again and the winds I could hear" was inverted really, really badly, "But now that you're gone my brain is in a drought / So I spend my time reminiscing about the old times" did not work and broke the style, and finally, "We cuddle under my favorite blanket and watch the stars go by" was awkward with the "favorite blanket" lyric ("cuddle" should've been past tense as well I believe). You need to start hammering down on these grammatical errors and keep your style consistent throughout. That's what holding you back from 8s for me.
15. Achilles. - Better Than Human
Horlianthus Records
I definitely didn't expect the word "fatter" to appear in this, and that was definitely one of the lower points of this entry. This was all around a kind of cheap entry, the rhymes especially, though you did have some cute lines. This was relatable for sure, but that was because it was super vague and lacked a second dimension to it. I really liked the idea of "Better Than Human", but you didn't hard enough on that line or idea to make this piece as a whole "pop." I think I would like this more as a song than just a set of lyrics, but as it stands now, this is hardly anything exceptional. Stop this decline fat.
16. Moonchild - Cowboy Style
Railroad Records
There's a difference between sexy and salacious, and I think you crossed that line a few times: "Moan loud" and "I fill you up 'til I can't see" for example. "My hands rope around your jeans" however, might be one of my favorite one-liners of the season, and you even made "Floor/Door" work! You also did a nice job by making western/cowboy imagery an essential part of a sexy song. Was "My heart beats like a running horse" supposed to be a double entendre/suggestive? It just came off as trite with the rhyme. Overall this cute, but I think you need to start giving us more actual lyrical substance. Besides "Areola", this was probably the shortest entry of the round (similar to last round), and it just leaves an unsatisfied feeling. Less isn't more in your case, MORE is more. Well done!
17. Dylobs - The Tide to End it All
776 Records
This seemed more like a Horilanthus song than a 776 Records song: the storytelling far outweighed the conceptualizing. "Knees/Seas" was one of the most forced rhymes of the season because of how you literally choose "knees" as opposed to a more conventional body part JUST to fit the rhyme of the song. Ugh. "Shameful/Pool" and "Away/Astray" weren't much better. When you throw in word JUST to rhyme without connecting it to the rest of the line like what you did with "astray" it makes me not happy. You changed tense in the outro too, and that made it confusing: is the narrator THINKING about drowning, or did they actually do it ( I really liked the reveal in the last line tho)? Besides those issues, I thought your style was quite nice - it reminded me of my own, iconic style - and I did like the concept, but you need to make your style more natural: don't just go for the first line or rhyme that you think of, start exprimenting.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Oh, well make sure you drink lots of water and get a good night's sleep
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Not me changing up my style on purpose (i.e. not telling a specific love story narrative) and ClarksonSlays saying I stuck to my style  
But I'm glad you and Hor both liked this development of the home motif  My concept album is gonna slay!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Oh :/
Yeah i wrote that shadow/meadow and that whole verse and sent the song without checking grammar 
I need to do it more, hopefully i will stay in the competition one more week so i can have time!! 
Thanks for the review
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Not me changing up my style on purpose (i.e. not telling a specific love story narrative) and ClarksonSlays saying I stuck to my style
But I'm glad you and Hor both liked this development of the home motif My concept album is gonna slay! |
You broke up the structure in a new way, but I feel like your imagery is starting to lose its luster (a me tea)!
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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"Though this somewhat comes with the genre" Lowkey screamed at that.
I never noticed that with the rhyming structure because I guess in my head, they were slightly slanted. But I'll keep that in mind next time.
Maybe I should add another verse explaining why he wants to move. Let me call this "Jimmy (Demo)" 
It's nice to know that you think I'm developing. I think that's all that anyone can ask for in this competiton. I'd hate to be getting progressively worse so to know that someone sees me developing throughout means a lot. Thank you.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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The draggings.
Definitely not a good score there
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Temporal's Score Distributions
10 - 0
9 - 0
8 - 4
7 - 2
6 - 5
5 - 3
4 - 2
3 - 0
2 - 0
1 - 1
Average: 6.625
Right around my average for last round. In general I was a bit underwhelmed.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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 Swiftie thinking my song would be perfect for Temporals label and Temporal thinking it's more in line with Swiftie
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Round One - Graffiti
Round Two - Distant
Round Three - Double On Tundra
Round Four - Love In The Spotlight
Round Five - Ballerina's Dancing On The Moon
I really like my concepts this season, I think they a pretty unique. Some I didn't execute that well but I still love the idea!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Swiftie thinking my song would be perfect for Temporals label and Temporal thinking it's more in line with Swiftie |
Well would the winner of PH8 lie?
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 23,393
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Who had the best Railhouse Record song though? 
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Buyonce1814
Who had the best Railhouse Record song though? |
Moonchild obviously 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Ouh let me do hints while I'm here
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Top 5
1. January – The Basque witch trials begin.
1. Lucius Julius Ursus Servianus and Lucius Licinius Sura become Roman Consul.
3. Reports of the eruption of Krakatoa are recorded in the Javanese Book of Kings.
3. May 6 – George V becomes King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland upon the death of his father, Edward VII.
5. The remnants of Comet Ikeya-Seki are expected to return to the inner Solar System. It was last seen from Earth in 1965–1966, and broke into three pieces as it approached the Sun.
The 5th hint is going to be the hardest, so work on the first 4.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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I've been kinda reviewing all day, but I'll post mine before I go to bed tonight. I've been busyT
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
oh wait i wont be top 5
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U sure sweaty? 
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