Congrats, Sia! A little bummed Idina or Lorde didn't win, but I'm glad Sia got the recognition she deserved because I think she's going to get paid dust at the real Grammys next weekend.
Announcer: "GotSkill has unfortunately gotten banned right before the ATRL Grammys were about to begin, so please welcome our last-minute replacements, rock legend Avril Lavigne and forgotten pop-rapper generic white male, as they present the ATRL Grammy for Best Rock Performance! Ignore the glitching graphic behind them though"
Avril: "Good afternoon, ATRLers, especially to my last remaining fans, the Avril Rangers! I would like to tell you to buy my new single "Fly" on iTunes, but Epic Records won't release it! #BeEpic"
Generic white male: "Here are the nominees for Best Rock Performance."
Arcade Fire - "Afterlife"
Generic white male: "Avril was drunk when she prepared her introduction for this nominee, Arcade Fire. Instead of introducing the actual nominee, "Afterlife," she described "Reflektor" in otherwise unspeakable sexual terms. I'll take this opportunity to present the correct nominee, and tell you that my next album, Pages, might come out someday. Perhaps, like the title of this Arcade Fire song, in the "Afterlife." Despite its heavy subject matter, "Afterlife" is a wholly enjoyable song with an intoxicating instrumental that verges on the influences of Haitian beats and disco."
Paramore - "Ain't It Fun"
Avril: "Some knockoff of myself and two dudes I would bang make up a rock band called Paramore. They've had some hits! Like this one! "Ain't It Fun" became Paramore's first top ten hit on the Billboard Hot 100 when it peaked at #10 for one week. How impressive! Will Paramore get their second consective victory in this category? Last year, Paramore took home this award with their previous single, "Still Into You.""
Sky Ferreira - "Boys"
Avril: "A young woman whose first name rhymes with the title of my new single is your next nominee. Sky Ferreira released Night Time, My Time in late 2013, around the time that I released my Avril Lavigne album. That's right, I was so inspired that I named my album after myself. I like Sky because she is a true punk-rock artist! I found this out just before her album release when she bailed herself out of jail, charging $1,500 on an American Express credit card. I wish I made that much on Epic Records!"
Fall Out Boy - "Centuries"
Avril: "Our next nominee is Fall Out Boy, who became relevant during my Under My Skin era, and have stayed relevant longer than I have, even with an extended hiatus. They have staying power that I only wish my husbands my career had! "Centuries" is the lead single off of their new album American Beauty/American Psycho, which they could have just as easily named after me by replacing 'American' with 'Canadian.'"
Arctic Monkeys - "Do I Wanna Know?"
Avril: "The music video for "Do I Wanna Know?" has over 140,000,000 views on Vevo, which is more than any of the music videos that I released for singles off of my latest self-titled album. Ever since I first heard "Do I Wanna Know?," whenever someone asks me if I want to hear about the state of my music career, I ask myself, "Do I wanna know?" and I don't! Here's to getting another divorce!"
Avril: "You know I can't resist the melodic sounds of a generic white male serenading me! I'll stay to present the award, but I still don't know why I'm not nominated in this category! I'M STILL ROCK N ROLL! I'M THE MOTHER****ING PRINCESS!
The ATRL Grammy for Best Rock Performance goes to "Do I Wanna Know?" by Arctic Monkeys!
When two of the members of Arctic Monkeys came up to the stage to accept the ATRL Grammy for Best Rock Performance, Avril was captured on a hot mic, saying to them: "Come backstage and I'll give you what you like..."
Pictured: Avril greeting two of the members of Arctic Monkeys, since the male members of Paramore she previously stated she would bang did not win the ATRL Grammy for Best Rock Performance.
Arctic Monkeys began to deliver their acceptance speech for their win in the Best Rock Performance category, but Avril seemed to spiral into a rage after the ATRL moderators reprimanded her for her cursing...
We interrupt the ATRL Grammys for a Breaking News bulletin from ATRL HQ.
Breaking News Correspondent DejaEntendu: "The ATRL Grammy for Best Rock Performance may have gone to Arctic Monkeys without a hitch, but a crisis erupted soon afterwards. Earlier tonight, Beyoncé arrived at the ATRL Grammys in her luxury automobile."
DejaEntendu: "In Avril Lavigne's state of rage after being denied a nomination in the Best Rock Performance category, witnesses claim that Avril hijacked Beyoncé's car from the high-security lot in which it had been parked. We've acquired footage of the aftermath of the meltdown."
DejaEntendu: "Witness Sia Furler claims to have seen the whole event take place. Sia spoke to our Breaking News correspondent, Remmy, backstage at the ATRL Grammys, right after her win in the Best Pop Solo Performance category." Sia: "It was horrifying! That spoiled brat thinks she deserves an ATRL Grammy for the tripe she's been releasing lately. If she wanted a Grammy, she would have released "Give You What You Like.""
DejaEntendu: "Our camera crew also caught up with Beyoncé. When asked about what she thought of Avril stealing her luxury automobile, Beyoncé appeared to speak directly to Avril, saying..."
DejaEntendu: "We will continue providing updates to this breaking news story. I'll be back later to present the ATRL Grammy for Best Country Album. Now back to the ATRL Grammys ceremony."
The other nominees >>
