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Discussion: Straight crush experience?
Member Since: 6/5/2011
Posts: 35,289
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Quote:
Originally posted by ThugginGrande
Sis that wasn't even the biggest red flag. As I said, he ruffled my hair and he carried me across a deep creek so I wouldn't get wet. He also called me cute a couple times. 
Also, omg, I just checked his Facebook and I didn't realize he was single. He must have broken up with that old girlfriend. I really think he's straight though - he AT LEAST like girls. I don't know what to think tbh. He's also pretty into his religion (Christianity) if that makes a difference. |
Omg he must know youre gay. I need a guy like him, but not as a boyfriend, just someone to crush on. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bie
I miss the feeling of being flirted by a straight guy.
This is my story:
During first year of college, I shared a room with my straight friend which is next to the room of the straight guy I crushed on. Living near each other everyday, we kinda became neighbors. Communication started and the guy became a good friend of the friend I shared the room with.
I took the benefit from that to get closer to the guy I crushed on. Everyday, when he came to meet my friend at our room, he was so charming. He was very handsome. His skin looked so clean. He was so toned. I couldnt stop staring at him so sometimes he caught me and when he did, I looked away.
My friend kinda knew what I was thinking so whenever the guy came to our room, my friend made fun of me in front of the guy about what I wanted to do to him. When my friend did, the guy just kept smiling like it was not a big deal, like it was none of his business, like it was untrue.
One night, I had to go to his room to get some beers. He was drunk (but not too drunk) but looked a bit sad and lonely. He asked me to sit down so he would tell me about his girlfriend who lived in the other province and how he missed her and loved her. I looked a bit disaapointed. He noticed that and stopped talking about his girlfriend and asked if I had a girlfriend (My friend told him Im gay but he did not believe him and thought my friend was just kidding). I said No, I dont have one. then he said, how about boyfriend? (In a funny way). I took the advantage from that to get the opportunity to get him flirted so I said I dont want a boyfriend unless it is you. He found that funny and laughed so hard. We kept talking but nothing happened that night but I thiight he realized I am really gay.
The day after, he came to my room to mert my friend and called me baby. I had a blast and he came to kiss me on the cheek and he caressed my left nipple (you know the way straight guys play around). I was in heaven that time.
I happened to touch his crotch many times too (in a playful way) and he didnt mind cos he thought I was just playing and messing around.
4 years later, we all finished college and moved out. We lost contact since then. |
It's so sexually frustrating when straight guys play around with you (wrestling, grabbing your butt, fondling you, etc.). But ugh, he sounded perfect. Too bad you lost contact.
Quote:
Originally posted by Bie
Omg he must know youre gay. I need a guy like him, but not as a boyfriend, just someone to crush on. |
I actually hope he somehow assumed I was gay because if he was willing to do everything he did with me knowing I was gay, that would make it all the better. 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 4,169
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He and I were neighbors and became friends that summer before junior year of high school. Fairly cute, I suppose, but we clicked on intellectual and emotional levels I had never experienced with anyone else, and that made him all the more attractive. Literally would spend hours and hours hanging out in his backyard at night, talking about life. It was one of those connections that felt so tangible that it almost made you believe the two of you knew each other in a past life or something.
I was with him almost daily all summer long and well into fall semester. He'd pick me up to go to school; we'd have a class or two together; and then we'd get together in the evening. And then weekends. I never got tired of him.
But he was a flake. Fast forward to November, and he became really busy with an extracurricular commitment (tech crew for the school play) and would spend every night down at the auditorium preparing for the production of Les Mis.
He met another guy there and they became fast friends. By the time the play concluded I hadn't seen him outside of school in weeks, and every time I tried to make plans with him he was busy with this other friend. We went from being together virtually every day to only exchanging the occasional text or glance in the hallway. I became extremely bitter and distanced myself from him.
It took months to get over my resentment because we had such a strong friendship and I felt like he kicked me to the curb for someone else.
He never knew I had a crush on him (he was straight as an arrow and assumed I was too). Never even suspected, honestly. (Though he once paid me an extremely high compliment about my looks that to this day I still recall vividly: there was an American Eagle catalogue on his kitchen counter and he picked it up, looked at the models, frowned, and said," You know, Goaty, you look a lot like these guys." I brushed it off casually bit inwardly was DYING at how flattered I was; something about him saying that as a straight guy made it feel so much more genuine to me.  ) I knew he would never feel about me the way I felt about him, but I was willing to suffer through that in exchange for friendship. But unfortunately that ended abruptly, and I was left with nothing but this acrid sense of sadness.
Haven't crushed on anyone since. That was about five years ago.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 4,169
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That was kinda long. Sorry!
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Member Since: 9/4/2011
Posts: 29,960
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Quote:
Originally posted by Blade
I don't know what it's like to crush on someone that ISN'T straight
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Same #StraightsDoItBetter
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Member Since: 6/5/2011
Posts: 35,289
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Quote:
Originally posted by ThugginGrande
It's so sexually frustrating when straight guys play around with you (wrestling, grabbing your butt, fondling you, etc.). But ugh, he sounded perfect. Too bad you lost
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No, I dont care because I had seen him naked and sucked his dick mamy times. He let me do it because his girlfriend was not with him
Quote:
Originally posted by ThugginGrande
I actually hope he somehow assumed I was gay because if he was willing to do everything he did with me knowing I was gay, that would make it all the better. |
Yes, true. He still did what he did when he already knew you were gay. That means he was very open and friendly.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 3,766
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Quote:
Originally posted by ThugginGrande
Been waiting and waiting for you to make a move
And omg, the scream I just let out reading your story!  He really let your head hit a radiator?! Tbh though I don't blame you because this guy literally hated me in high school for no reason, but he had a PERFECT bubble butt so I was attracted to him nonetheless. 
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Yes it wasn't on purpose tho
Bubble butts are doing things to me like i can't even explain
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by Goaty
He and I were neighbors and became friends that summer before junior year of high school. Fairly cute, I suppose, but we clicked on intellectual and emotional levels I had never experienced with anyone else, and that made him all the more attractive. Literally would spend hours and hours hanging out in his backyard at night, talking about life. It was one of those connections that felt so tangible that it almost made you believe the two of you knew each other in a past life or something.
I was with him almost daily all summer long and well into fall semester. He'd pick me up to go to school; we'd have a class or two together; and then we'd get together in the evening. And then weekends. I never got tired of him.
But he was a flake. Fast forward to November, and he became really busy with an extracurricular commitment (tech crew for the school play) and would spend every night down at the auditorium preparing for the production of Les Mis.
He met another guy there and they became fast friends. By the time the play concluded I hadn't seen him outside of school in weeks, and every time I tried to make plans with him he was busy with this other friend. We went from being together virtually every day to only exchanging the occasional text or glance in the hallway. I became extremely bitter and distanced myself from him.
It took months to get over my resentment because we had such a strong friendship and I felt like he kicked me to the curb for someone else.
He never knew I had a crush on him (he was straight as an arrow and assumed I was too). Never even suspected, honestly. (Though he once paid me an extremely high compliment about my looks that to this day I still recall vividly: there was an American Eagle catalogue on his kitchen counter and he picked it up, looked at the models, frowned, and said," You know, Goaty, you look a lot like these guys." I brushed it off casually bit inwardly was DYING at how flattered I was; something about him saying that as a straight guy made it feel so much more genuine to me. ) I knew he would never feel about me the way I felt about him, but I was willing to suffer through that in exchange for friendship. But unfortunately that ended abruptly, and I was left with nothing but this acrid sense of sadness.
Haven't crushed on anyone since. That was about five years ago. |
My heart just broke.  It sucks your friendship had to end. Hopefully you can rekindle that one day (maybe at a high school reunion?) if you feel like it's worth it. And also, I totally relate about you not having crushes ever since. My straight friend was my last crush too. I find guys attractive, but I don't know if I'll ever experience that same head-over-heels, almost-in-love kind of crush. It just feels like no attraction can live up to the crush I had.
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Member Since: 6/5/2011
Posts: 35,289
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Quote:
Originally posted by Goaty
That was kinda long. Sorry!
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I bet you were still stalking him. Right?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bie
No, I dont care because I had seen him naked and sucked his dick mamy times. He let me do it because his girlfriend was not with him |
Girlllllll, you saw him naked AND sucked his dick many times??  How did you even make that happen? I'm gonna need you to spill so I can take notes.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 2,117
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I love this thread I wish I had legit experiences to share(other than the one on the other page), lmao. All my serious crushes have been on girls which is even worse because I'm gay (I think?  )
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by BADLANDS
I love this thread I wish I had legit experiences to share(other than the one on the other page), lmao. All my serious crushes have been on girls which is even worse because I'm gay (I think? ) |
I actually really understand where you're coming from because up until my sophomore year of high school I had a bunch of crushes on girls, but now I'm like, wtf I'm gay. And while I have had a few gay crushes, they're SO rare. Being gay (or gay?) is so confusing lol.
I feel like this thread has been a group therapy session omg.
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Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 2,920
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Here's my story :P
Some backstory first: I recently moved to London for uni, and I'm in the same uni as my best friend from home. He gay. I'm bi. I'm not out at all and he sort of is coming out slowly... We don't really talk about these stuff because I think we both know what's going on but don't wanna force each other. We lived in different student halls in London but in the same neighbourhood so we went to each other's halls quite often. I'm the type of person who talks a lot and always has friends around him.
So, like 2 months before the end of the school year, this guy moved in to become my best friend's next door neighbour in his dorm. I met him one day when I went to spend some time with my friend. He was the weirdest person I've met in a long time. He was quiet, shy, only talked about school mostly etc. and then again, he was tall, blond and just incredibly cute in a very non-traditional way. At first, I found him intriguing. He added me on FB and I (obviously) stalked him, only to discover that he's pretty religious lol
The next day, I told my friend about my findings (I think he had a crush on him too, and both of our gaydars were sorta beeping) and he didn't believe me. So I basically swayed the topic into religion while we were in the communal kitchen with like 8 ppl around us. 7 out of 8 were atheists, he was a devoted Catholic. The 7 of us sort of started throwing questions at him, and we discovered that he's conservative, homophobic, anti-abortion, anti-divorce, anti-contraception etc. My friend totally shut his feelings for him, while I didn't even have a crush yet.
I am in the same course as my crush, but he's in the year above. Therefore, I kept seeing him every single freaking place I went to. We'd be like 'hi' and 'hi'. Over the next week or so, the more we talked, I ended up in a giant crush. We got to know each other a little bit, and he was just the nicest person despite his beliefs. I would go to my friend's place just to see my crush. I spent my last 2-3 weeks really depressed about this whole thing.
Then it was summer, I came back home. I had to message him about something school related. I did. Then we ended up starting to chat on FB. He's not a FB person, so it takes him several days to see messages and reply, but then when he does he replies with entire paragraphs and he's so nice. It's almost the end of the summer, and we still occasionally chat on FB, just not as often... I do get sort of frustrated when he talked like a week to reply or when I feel like I'm being ignored.
So that's that. It's never been sexual as I never even got a boner thinking about him (lol) but I think my feelings are a mix of feeling sorry for him (for several reasons) and a giant crush. We'll again live in the same neighbourhood this year, so we'll see how I'll cope. I know nothing's ever happening between us, but I think we're sort of friends now and I like that  I hope we'll be able to maintain that in uni. I still sit around waiting for a message from him and he has no clue I'm crushing on him, so I am not in the best place right now.
This was LONG. Do tell me what y'all think lol
He's been my only crush so far, and it has been CRASHING me to pieces. I have been whining about him in Random Thoughts on ATRL because it's the only place I can talk to about this. I kind of don't wanna see him in London this coming school year, but then I want to spend some time with him. He's just nice and sort of lonely. He's Polish and I see stuff relating to Poland every single freaking day and it gets me like aaaahhhh
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 2,117
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Quote:
Originally posted by ThugginGrande
I actually really understand where you're coming from because up until my sophomore year of high school I had a bunch of crushes on girls, but now I'm like, wtf I'm gay. And while I have had a few gay crushes, they're SO rare. Being gay (or gay?) is so confusing lol.
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forreal? I'm going into my sophomore year. Maybe I'll get it sorted out by senior year or something I'm the same way, gay crushes are rare for me, when I feel any sort of pull with a random guy I'm instantly confused as hell 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 5,843
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I talked about it on here before but I might as well share my story again, since all the stories in this thread made me super emotional. It's gonna be a long one.
So I had just finished 8th grade. My cousin ( a girl ) asked me to join the school's folk dance group. I'm not into folk dancing but I did it for her 'cause we were good friends and thought we could have some fun during the summer. And there I met this boy, who was 2 years younger than me. I was 15 at the time and he was 13, but he looked way older, he was pretty tall, well built, and had a very hairy body and even facial body, but he shaved. I didn't think of him much, he wasn't supper attractive back then but he was very nice and funny.
As the weeks passed, I realised how cool he was, but we hadn't become close or anything until mid summer when the group went on a summer camp at the seaside. We started talking more, my cousing was spending time with her girlfriends so I began to spend time with him and another guy my age from the group. We became friends and on that camp I realised I actually liked him.
So we came back home. My cousin was enrolled to a military highschool so she couldn't be part of the dance group anymore. The plan was I would quit it too, but because of him, I stayed.
Another offer came to our group and only 2 weeks before I was starting highschool we went to a dance festival in Turkey. Me and (let's call him John, cause that's the English version of his name) became really good friends. We stayed together in the bus, he would put his head on my shoulder and even on my lap to sleep because we travelled during night. I was catching real feeling for him, although I probably didn't know what love was at the time, I was still very young. We stayed in the same room but with other 2 boys as well and had different beds. We spent most of our trip together.
We came home and we started seeing eachother and hanging out even more, as he lives 5 minutes away by foot from me. I started highschool, I was a freshman and he was in 7th grade. Until November we were already bestfriends. Another offer came to our group and we went to a festival in Prague that November. We stayed in the bus together again, slept on eachother again and one girl said to us "you look like a couple". He didn't say anything. This time we were only 3 boys in a room, separate beds again, but after the first night he decided to unite his bed with mine so we could sleep together. We told horror stories that night and for some reason the other boy came into our bed as well. That nigh he put his arm on me. He was embracing me from behind. I didn't say a thing, just slept in awe. We were inseparable in that trip.
We came back home and we started to sleep together. I was 16 and he was 14 by the time. I met his familly, he met mine, we spent so much time together. We slowly started to spend the night together until we slept like 3 night a week or so together. We slept in only underwear and we would cuddle. We would eat together and watch movies together.
May came and we went to another festival in Rimini this time, in Italy. Same story again, stayed together in the bus, in the room, we actually had a king sized bed and a normal bed this time. f course we slept together in the double bed. Oh and I forgot to mention that we would spend much time alone, like, only the two of us, not with the other members of the group, although we were all good friend. Anyway, that trip to Rimini was very special, because that's when I made the courage to press my lips against his. It was night, we were sleeping, we were cuddled in bed, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "I love you so much" and I kissed him. He was probably asleep and didn't feel it, or that's what I assumed.
At this point it was like a relationship in my head. We were super close, slept together multiple nights a week, we even started arguing, we were jealous when one would spend some time with other people, we fought, we argued, but we got back and such. That summer he had a crush on a girl who came in our town for the summer, but she left, I was super jealous, my fears were becoming true, he was straight. But the girl left, he didn't actually spent much time with her and we countinued our "thing".
So after that I realised that I actually loved this boy so much, I was in love, but it was eating me alive because although I knew he cared a lot for me, I somehow knew it was not the way I wanted him to. But I couldn't separate for him either, we were just too close and I was enjoying him so much to actually do something about it. It continued, we argued, we got back, we slept together, we cuddled, I would kiss him every night (although he was asleep and he didn't feel it, or he did';t say anything about it idk)and so on..
I was 17 and he was 15 now. That Christmas he wrote a letter to me in which he told me how much he cared about me and how he never wanted to separate from he. We spent the holidays together. I actually regret throwing it away now, it was a sweet memory of my high school years. But let's continue.
Summer came and we went the camp at the sea side again, in early September we went to Bulgaria. There were 2 separate beds and one extensible couch in our room, ofc we slept together on the extensible couch. It was like a dream to be. He was everything to me. My mother got suspicious I think, she used to mock me with "are you seeing your wife again?" but she was probably joking. She still does it to this day lol. I was very depressed when we argued and din't talk for days, everyone knew when we were apart lol.
So time passed, we grew up together, but we also started to fight more and more. We slowly distanced one from each other, things got cold between us, and I don't even remember how. Maybe because we made new friends or I don't know.. The thing is, I was feeling more and more depressed because I was afraid to confess my love to him. Although he gave me a lot of signs, I still feared he was actually straight.
I finished junior year and decided to do it. And I did. I confessed to him. He said it was not okay. I didn't tell him I was gay, just that I was in love with him. So we went different ways. I spent the summer without him, I was very depressed but I was willing to move on. He actually got a girlfriend that summer.
After three months without him everything seemed to go in the right direction. The separation was a hell for me but I was starting to feel better. I started my senior year of highschool. He was in his sophomore year. I would see him and his girlfriend at school but didn't pay much attention.
And last October he called me. Yes, he did. He wanted to spend some time together, I don;t know why but I agreed. We started seeing eachother again. He even invited me to hang out at his place again. I did. We were getting close again. Sometimes his girlfriend would be there as well. I realised I was still in love with him, deeply in love. I wanted to cut string off again. Things seemed to not be working well between him and his girlfriend but it was none of my business. One day after highschool he invited me at his place, and I refused, It was the first tine in a long while I refused him. ( well I actually made an excuse that I had to go somewhere but still )... After a few seconds of silence he said "I don't like this" and I asked "What?" and he said "That you have to go" ... I was melting inside but I said we will hang around another day. That evening, after a few hours he called me and said "Hey are you back home? Do you want to meet up".. I was on my way and although I wanted to refuse it I said "I'm coming to you".. That night he was acting super weird.. He asked me"Do you ever feel like you missed someone so much and you will always love them no matter what?". I was poker faced. I said "Is this about that girl you met that summer?" He looked me in the eyes, the moved his look away, a few seconds of silence and though "yes" came out of his mouth.. like he wanted to say something else but he decided not to.
I realised that I couldn't do this anymore. Like, what was even happening? He knew I was in love with him but he did all this for what? I decided to cut him off from my life again, he texted me, called me, but I stopped answering. He was straight.
I finished high school in June and I'm going to college next month. I'm slowly but surely moving on, although I still dream of him at night from time to time and he's still the one I think about when I listen to specific love songs. But I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. I wish I could have taken some memories, but I deleted all the pics we had together ( he still has some on his Facebook profile, although he deleted most of them too), I threw away all the gifts from him... Maybe it was for the better. He was my first love. And although I know I will probably fall in love again someday, I will never love the same way again. I wasted 4 years of my life on him. But if I had the change to live again, I would still do it. He meant everything to me. If he came tomorrow at my door saying "I love you too, let's run away together" I wouldn't think twice.
I'm sorry for this embarassing long ass post but I wanted to write it down lol.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,906
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I have a experience and it isn't tragic. I have been in relationship with my first crush for 5 years now and we have been friends since childhood. So basically it took me many years to turn friendship into relationship but initially i wasn't even attracted to him, when her gf left him i took advantage of it . He still flirts with girls but in secrecy. I have shared this on ATRL before and most people didn't believe that he is straight but yup he is certainly straight
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 5,843
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Omg I just saw how long my post is  I didn't even realise I wrote THAT much
But I had so many memories running through my mind, I wanted to write them down... I'm such a mess, that's why I'll be forever alone
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 823
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My straight crushes are as straight and egotistical as they can get but they're so ****ing hot.
One of them once wrote me a letter saying that I was cool but kinda shy and after that we didn't talk anymore
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by IMadeYouReadThis
Here's my story :P
Some backstory first: I recently moved to London for uni, and I'm in the same uni as my best friend from home. He gay. I'm bi. I'm not out at all and he sort of is coming out slowly... We don't really talk about these stuff because I think we both know what's going on but don't wanna force each other. We lived in different student halls in London but in the same neighbourhood so we went to each other's halls quite often. I'm the type of person who talks a lot and always has friends around him.
So, like 2 months before the end of the school year, this guy moved in to become my best friend's next door neighbour in his dorm. I met him one day when I went to spend some time with my friend. He was the weirdest person I've met in a long time. He was quiet, shy, only talked about school mostly etc. and then again, he was tall, blond and just incredibly cute in a very non-traditional way. At first, I found him intriguing. He added me on FB and I (obviously) stalked him, only to discover that he's pretty religious lol
The next day, I told my friend about my findings (I think he had a crush on him too, and both of our gaydars were sorta beeping) and he didn't believe me. So I basically swayed the topic into religion while we were in the communal kitchen with like 8 ppl around us. 7 out of 8 were atheists, he was a devoted Catholic. The 7 of us sort of started throwing questions at him, and we discovered that he's conservative, homophobic, anti-abortion, anti-divorce, anti-contraception etc. My friend totally shut his feelings for him, while I didn't even have a crush yet.
I am in the same course as my crush, but he's in the year above. Therefore, I kept seeing him every single freaking place I went to. We'd be like 'hi' and 'hi'. Over the next week or so, the more we talked, I ended up in a giant crush. We got to know each other a little bit, and he was just the nicest person despite his beliefs. I would go to my friend's place just to see my crush. I spent my last 2-3 weeks really depressed about this whole thing.
Then it was summer, I came back home. I had to message him about something school related. I did. Then we ended up starting to chat on FB. He's not a FB person, so it takes him several days to see messages and reply, but then when he does he replies with entire paragraphs and he's so nice. It's almost the end of the summer, and we still occasionally chat on FB, just not as often... I do get sort of frustrated when he talked like a week to reply or when I feel like I'm being ignored.
So that's that. It's never been sexual as I never even got a boner thinking about him (lol) but I think my feelings are a mix of feeling sorry for him (for several reasons) and a giant crush. We'll again live in the same neighbourhood this year, so we'll see how I'll cope. I know nothing's ever happening between us, but I think we're sort of friends now and I like that I hope we'll be able to maintain that in uni. I still sit around waiting for a message from him and he has no clue I'm crushing on him, so I am not in the best place right now.
This was LONG. Do tell me what y'all think lol
He's been my only crush so far, and it has been CRASHING me to pieces. |
Oh wow, this is a tough one. Does he know you're gay? Maybe he can change his homophobic views over time. A lot of friends I've had have done the same (some changed to "I don't mind the gays, only the flamboyant gays" - it's a start ). Anyway, hopefully you sort all this out with him this year. If you're still willing to be friends with him because he's a nice person, I would say just try to get closer to him this year and see that develop even if you know nothing will ever happen. If it's frustrating to be around him though, maybe just try to be friendly from a distance.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/27/2016
Posts: 5,549
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Quote:
Originally posted by AxelFox
I talked about it on here before but I might as well share my story again, since all the stories in this thread made me super emotional. It's gonna be a long one.
So I had just finished 8th grade. My cousin ( a girl ) asked me to join the school's folk dance group. I'm not into folk dancing but I did it for her 'cause we were good friends and thought we could have some fun during the summer. And there I met this boy, who was 2 years younger than me. I was 15 at the time and he was 13, but he looked way older, he was pretty tall, well built, and had a very hairy body and even facial body, but he shaved. I didn't think of him much, he wasn't supper attractive back then but he was very nice and funny.
As the weeks passed, I realised how cool he was, but we hadn't become close or anything until mid summer when the group went on a summer camp at the seaside. We started talking more, my cousing was spending time with her girlfriends so I began to spend time with him and another guy my age from the group. We became friends and on that camp I realised I actually liked him.
So we came back home. My cousin was enrolled to a military highschool so she couldn't be part of the dance group anymore. The plan was I would quit it too, but because of him, I stayed.
Another offer came to our group and only 2 weeks before I was starting highschool we went to a dance festival in Turkey. Me and (let's call him John, cause that's the English version of his name) became really good friends. We stayed together in the bus, he would put his head on my shoulder and even on my lap to sleep because we travelled during night. I was catching real feeling for him, although I probably didn't know what love was at the time, I was still very young. We stayed in the same room but with other 2 boys as well and had different beds. We spent most of our trip together.
We came home and we started seeing eachother and hanging out even more, as he lives 5 minutes away by foot from me. I started highschool, I was a freshman and he was in 7th grade. Until November we were already bestfriends. Another offer came to our group and we went to a festival in Prague that November. We stayed in the bus together again, slept on eachother again and one girl said to us "you look like a couple". He didn't say anything. This time we were only 3 boys in a room, separate beds again, but after the first night he decided to unite his bed with mine so we could sleep together. We told horror stories that night and for some reason the other boy came into our bed as well. That nigh he put his arm on me. He was embracing me from behind. I didn't say a thing, just slept in awe. We were inseparable in that trip.
We came back home and we started to sleep together. I was 16 and he was 14 by the time. I met his familly, he met mine, we spent so much time together. We slowly started to spend the night together until we slept like 3 night a week or so together. We slept in only underwear and we would cuddle. We would eat together and watch movies together.
May came and we went to another festival in Rimini this time, in Italy. Same story again, stayed together in the bus, in the room, we actually had a king sized bed and a normal bed this time. f course we slept together in the double bed. Oh and I forgot to mention that we would spend much time alone, like, only the two of us, not with the other members of the group, although we were all good friend. Anyway, that trip to Rimini was very special, because that's when I made the courage to press my lips against his. It was night, we were sleeping, we were cuddled in bed, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "I love you so much" and I kissed him. He was probably asleep and didn't feel it, or that's what I assumed.
At this point it was like a relationship in my head. We were super close, slept together multiple nights a week, we even started arguing, we were jealous when one would spend some time with other people, we fought, we argued, but we got back and such. That summer he had a crush on a girl who came in our town for the summer, but she left, I was super jealous, my fears were becoming true, he was straight. But the girl left, he didn't actually spent much time with her and we countinued our "thing".
So after that I realised that I actually loved this boy so much, I was in love, but it was eating me alive because although I knew he cared a lot for me, I somehow knew it was not the way I wanted him to. But I couldn't separate for him either, we were just too close and I was enjoying him so much to actually do something about it. It continued, we argued, we got back, we slept together, we cuddled, I would kiss him every night (although he was asleep and he didn't feel it, or he did';t say anything about it idk)and so on..
I was 17 and he was 15 now. That Christmas he wrote a letter to me in which he told me how much he cared about me and how he never wanted to separate from he. We spent the holidays together. I actually regret throwing it away now, it was a sweet memory of my high school years. But let's continue.
Summer came and we went the camp at the sea side again, in early September we went to Bulgaria. There were 2 separate beds and one extensible couch in our room, ofc we slept together on the extensible couch. It was like a dream to be. He was everything to me. My mother got suspicious I think, she used to mock me with "are you seeing your wife again?" but she was probably joking. She still does it to this day lol. I was very depressed when we argued and din't talk for days, everyone knew when we were apart lol.
So time passed, we grew up together, but we also started to fight more and more. We slowly distanced one from each other, things got cold between us, and I don't even remember how. Maybe because we made new friends or I don't know.. The thing is, I was feeling more and more depressed because I was afraid to confess my love to him. Although he gave me a lot of signs, I still feared he was actually straight.
I finished junior year and decided to do it. And I did. I confessed to him. He said it was not okay. I didn't tell him I was gay, just that I was in love with him. So we went different ways. I spent the summer without him, I was very depressed but I was willing to move on. He actually got a girlfriend that summer.
After three months without him everything seemed to go in the right direction. The separation was a hell for me but I was starting to feel better. I started my senior year of highschool. He was in his sophomore year. I would see him and his girlfriend at school but didn't pay much attention.
And last October he called me. Yes, he did. He wanted to spend some time together, I don;t know why but I agreed. We started seeing eachother again. He even invited me to hang out at his place again. I did. We were getting close again. Sometimes his girlfriend would be there as well. I realised I was still in love with him, deeply in love. I wanted to cut string off again. Things seemed to not be working well between him and his girlfriend but it was none of my business. One day after highschool he invited me at his place, and I refused, It was the first tine in a long while I refused him. ( well I actually made an excuse that I had to go somewhere but still )... After a few seconds of silence he said "I don't like this" and I asked "What?" and he said "That you have to go" ... I was melting inside but I said we will hang around another day. That evening, after a few hours he called me and said "Hey are you back home? Do you want to meet up".. I was on my way and although I wanted to refuse it I said "I'm coming to you".. That night he was acting super weird.. He asked me"Do you ever feel like you missed someone so much and you will always love them no matter what?". I was poker faced. I said "Is this about that girl you met that summer?" He looked me in the eyes, the moved his look away, a few seconds of silence and though "yes" came out of his mouth.. like he wanted to say something else but he decided not to.
I realised that I couldn't do this anymore. Like, what was even happening? He knew I was in love with him but he did all this for what? I decided to cut him off from my life again, he texted me, called me, but I stopped answering. He was straight.
I finished high school in June and I'm going to college next month. I'm slowly but surely moving on, although I still dream of him at night from time to time and he's still the one I think about when I listen to specific love songs. But I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. I wish I could have taken some memories, but I deleted all the pics we had together ( he still has some on his Facebook profile, although he deleted most of them too), I threw away all the gifts from him... Maybe it was for the better. He was my first love. And although I know I will probably fall in love again someday, I will never love the same way again. I wasted 4 years of my life on him. But if I had the change to live again, I would still do it. He meant everything to me. If he came tomorrow at my door saying "I love you too, let's run away together" I wouldn't think twice.
I'm sorry for this embarassing long ass post but I wanted to write it down lol.
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Sis, we clearly all need therapy lol. Let me grab my metaphorical tea and read this and I'll get back to you with my thoughts. 
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