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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
You ****ing bitch, I can't believe you— wait, what?! That review actually was not as bad as I thought it was going to be… oh, thank goodness, I can feel less aggressive…
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
This is super off topic but I wanted to write a song called Silica, and the concept was that someone ate silica gel on purpose, but I just found out it's actually effectively harmless except that it makes your mouth totally dried out! There goes that concept!
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Wow, that's how I've been feeling after sleeping. My nose has been clogged lately, so I can only breathe through my mouth whilst sleeping and I wake up like I just swallowed silica gel…
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Originally posted by Temporal
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I'm kidding…
I'm happy about the review… 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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BATCH ONE
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1.Vision - Dead-End Dreamer
This was a brilliant entry in my opinion. Not only do I see Tracy singing something like this, but you showcased some versatility and quality while at it. Besides a few low points such as "So we moved to a run down shack," "Then you picked up a bad habit," and the opening line (all which could have easily been worded better) the story telling was on point. There were many poignant one liners that just blew me away, honestly. From "Where they felt anger I felt pity," to "And the kids will never get to visit / the places we failed to reach in life," it was strongly written. Your concept of "dead-end dreamer" for a sequel to Fast Car worked out quite well.
2. Hugamari - Daybreak
I'm pleasantly surprised that you chose this song. Anyway, I kind of cringed while reading this because a lot of it was rather cheesy. Also, I feel like "moonlight" was used too many times for my taste, but I appreciated the concept and the couplet "I held moonlight in my hands/ but he slipped right through my palms." There was very nice flow in this song, especially in the pre-choruses but I did not like the "until we ran out of breath," line and you actually used it on both of the pre-choruses and I was all like "nooo." Also using the format of Moonlight's chorus for Daybreak's bridge felt weird, but I think it was clever. The phrase "a cosmic melody," stuck out because the rest of the entry was plainly written. Try blending cute phrases like that better or things will feel less consistent and more patched together. This feels like it would have been stronger had Moonlight not existed, I dunno but I did enjoy it.
3. UFO - Used to be Friends
I'll be blunt about this; This song was poorly written and I did not enjoy it. Some parts were undeveloped to the point where they could be seen as satire. For instance, the entire pre chorus felt like a parody of cheesy and generic ballads. The way you randomly decided to include the sea in the second stanza and then rhyme sea with idiocy was rather amateur. Furthermore, the waterfall line didn't make any sense. Also the whole rose/thorns thing has been overdone and while most of the time its harmless, it really didn't go with any of the imagery you had used in your song, before or after that stanza. This was just too choppy (especially the chorus) and not clever. You should be more concise with your writing.
4. Musickid203 - Potential Makeup Song
Hm. As soon as I saw your title, I knew what song you did. Not sure if I'm ready for this: OK, I get what you were going for. While I'm not crazy over the material, I liked the simple but effective concept. Your actual writing was such a step down from all your previous works. This one felt like it was written by the most basic pop produce and while that's okay in the real world (get money, bitch) for a songwriting competition, this is suicide. There were a couple of clever lines I enjoyed, "I'm one foot from falling," was one of them. Most of this was rather cliche, however, ESPECIALLY ALL OF THIS:
The scars still remain
And the pain is engraved in my soul
But I still have the love within
To maybe trust you again
Please, EVERYONE, never write something along those lines, it usually never works. Good job on how you structured your song, though. I liked the consistent use of four syllables in the second line of each stanza during the verse. Anyway, step it up next round please.
5. Buyonce1814 - Languishing (The Epilouge)
Of course it's Mariah (side note: Her Languishing is melodically flawless, but lyrically a mess). Well, I see you were going for 100% Mariah and while that's fine, it leaves your style completely out of the picture and I personally didn't like that. For one, Mariah Carey is an incredible songwriter but she possibly uses too many adverbs, admittedly and seeing someone else do that just feels like a parody. There were also FAR too many references to her past work for this to work as a sequel to one song (The wayward child bit was going too far as we all know that lyric belongs ONLY in Close My Eyes).The pre chorus was also a mess, from the pyramid nonsense to the lack of rhyme scheme; nothing held that part together. This felt like a messily written Mariah song, sorry. Then again, her Languishing was a mess lyrically too.
6. Nait Phoenix - Blue Song
I loved this. It was sharp, clever, and I totally see it working for the challenge. The pre-choruses are possibly the best thing you've written this entire season ("red dress holding you," "black tiles grounding me," etc... genius). Although at first I didn't get what was going on in the second verse with the words in parenthesis, I became okay with it the second time around. This song embodies nostalgia without being obnoxious about it.
7. Citrus - Here in the USA
Bruce Springsteen is a living legend; every one of his songs is beautiful. Every time I hear a "hit" song that kids listen to these days, I have to go listen to The Boss to cool me off. I feel like this may have borrowed a little too much from the structure of the original so it came off as unoriginal. However, the actual lyrics were very well written. You also took bits from the original (the dead man town and V.A. man) and implemented them in an intelligent manner. This definitely carries the heavy sociopolitical spirit of the first and continues it to the problems of today (going from yellow to brown skin). The second verse and the bridge were the best parts of this entry. The Boss would be proud.
8. JPOW - Wolf Lady
I feel like the concept was a weak one for the sequel, but the actual song was rather good. It was kind of short so any borrowings from the original seemed to take a bit too much space (the wolf lady/brain line, L.A., the inclusion of the word "nasal.") The distinct endings of the three choruses was a very nice way to show subtle but powerful progression in your story. "Though love the magic," was awkwardly worded. Replacing though with but would have made it better. With laconic songs, literally every word counts so be careful. Good job.
9. mxtthewdelrey - Pu$$y McFlurry
"If you do too much on my song  " henny, I do what I want. Anyway, I GET that this is a CupcaKe sequel and I low key stan her but I dunno. I'll give it to you I guess because this was utterly original, entertaining, and surprisingly well written (better than a lot of songs thus far ). With rap songs, you have to keep the flow practically intact (as tight as my pu$$y) so be careful with that, some parts were a bit choppy. However, you got the language down to a science. My favorite part was probably the banjo/country couplet  This was so, so clever. Also changing the 18/8 to 19/9 shows progression  I will say, though, this wasn't strong as a sequel, but it was a strong standalone. Try not to lose your own style, though.
10. TheCheetahWings - Call Me Back
Interesting choice... Anyway, this entry was long but said nothing at all. It was redundant and unlike your usual entries, poorly written. From the easy rhymes to the rather dry and uninspiring language, it fell flat. The structure was there but that made it even more cold. I felt like this was just far to generic. Maybe it was the poor choice of song to sequel. Speaking of Call Me Maybe, that song was lighthearted, so it took me by surprise how unhappy yours was. That's about the extent that your originality went this week. "Maybe I'm not built to survive," while in itself an average lyric, felt far too complex to be included in your pre-chorus. That should be saying something about the rest.
11. Vulnicura - Wear the Crown
This is a perfect example of how to embody another songwriter without losing your own style  It's the third week in a row that you've pleasantly surprised me. Last season, I felt like your songs, while unique and well written, were rather choppy and at times contrived. This time around, you're not only serving flow but you're pushing yourself to write more cleverly and less like Bjork (although it seems like St. Vincent is kicking in). Although I didn't like the "we'll never be royals" line for its literally in the original's chorus verbatim, the following two lines made up for it. It's such an astute hook. "The best years of my life spent on a plane / To be in a crowded room alone,"  I wanna hear Ella singing this.
12. Jaxswim - Imprisoned
Side note: I LOVE Florida Kilos, one of UV's best. This is quite possibly the best use of "sequel" so far. I love how straightforward this is yet manages to be lyrical in the romantic image it paints. "Imprisoned with you / Isn’t prison at all," is such a strong way to sum up the concept of the song and it works well with the rest of the chorus. The flow makes this super easy to read and while it's very Lana, it's not overwhelmingly Lana. I enjoyed the sneaking of "you believe me don't you baby." Although it's the same line, it works here because it's a different context. The bridge was a bit of mess and could use some cleaning up. "Baby, if you ever left me, I think I might just die," is also a very bad line but other than that you used your words wisely this round.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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"Baby, if you ever left me, I think I might just die"
this sounds EXACTLY like a line Lana would write though 
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 7,207
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thank you for my positive review! 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
"Baby, if you ever left me, I think I might just die"
this sounds EXACTLY like a line Lana would write though |
yeah, but that doesn't excuse it 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
10. TheCheetahWings - Call Me Back
Interesting choice... Anyway, this entry was long but said nothing at all. It was redundant and unlike your usual entries, poorly written. From the easy rhymes to the rather dry and uninspiring language, it fell flat. The structure was there but that made it even more cold. I felt like this was just far to generic. Maybe it was the poor choice of song to sequel. Speaking of Call Me Maybe, that song was lighthearted, so it took me by surprise how unhappy yours was. That's about the extent that your originality went this week. "Maybe I'm not built to survive," while in itself an average lyric, felt far too complex to be included in your pre-chorus. That should be saying something about the rest.
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This is a rough week for me  Hopefully I scored high enough that I can at least scrape by. 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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"Baby, if you ever left me, I think I might just die," is also a very bad line but other than that you used your words wisely this round.
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That literally sounds like Lana though.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
That literally sounds like Lana though.
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OKAY AND? Does that excuse its badness? No.
Thnx.
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Yes! The rumors are true! All my rihviews are coming TOGETHER, tonight! ETA 12-1 EST
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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When will the other judges ever be so efficient?
I reserve the right to retract this statement if anyone manages to post all of their reviews before Jackson
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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I will not post my reviews that soon, I need a break from judging y'all. I also have a life outside of PH.
jk I don't but y'all suxx
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I should've written a sequel to That Don't Impress Me Much.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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This is a perfect example of how to embody another songwriter without losing your own style It's the third week in a row that you've pleasantly surprised me. Last season, I felt like your songs, while unique and well written, were rather choppy and at times contrived. This time around, you're not only serving flow but you're pushing yourself to write more cleverly and less like Bjork (although it seems like St. Vincent is kicking in). Although I didn't like the "we'll never be royals" line for its literally in the original's chorus verbatim, the following two lines made up for it. It's such an astute hook. "The best years of my life spent on a plane / To be in a crowded room alone," I wanna hear Ella singing this.
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from one legend to another, I guess thanks!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Okay so I got a good review this time, my quitting is canceled 
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
I will not post my reviews that soon, I need a break from judging y'all. I also have a life outside of PH.
jk I don't but y'all suxx |
slacker13
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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The reaction to Buyonces' Mariah song is probably gonna be better than the reaction to MY Mariah song.
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