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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Buy ARTPOP at a local Walmart near you
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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_^]>|£,+¥~&&(!;$  /7:9;@;&8;$17:7??;!,&.&:@:$
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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BATCH TWO
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16. Musickid203 - Tenfold
What's did you do? You started the season of strongly but this was a complete step down from your previous work, which felt rather original and fresh. This one, although not bad, just blends right in the middle of the pack. Much of the language used was far too familiar for me to feel any emotional response from this. The rhyme scheme you used, albeit unique, was not fun to read. Weak rhymes like fire/desire and a hackneyed concept made this feel like it was put together in a few minutes or so. I do like the clean structure, it works well in this case. Some word choices I found odd in their context: "crumbs," and "decayed," be more careful what words you use and make sure they fit your theme better. Step it up next week!
17. HausOfNiko - Double On Tundra
I appreciated the clever play on words in your title; considering your type is ice, tundra makes sense. If only the rest of your entry had been as clever. While I liked the concept, the execution was rather pedestrian. The language was familiar, and sometimes it was rather immature (not childish, just not developed). For instance, "I just need someone like you to tell me I'll be fine," and "My heart is frozen and your love is making it weak," are something I'd expect from someone with far less writing experience than you. Also, some small (and easily fixable) stressing mistakes made this a tad hard to read. Instead of saying "Defrosted my vacant heart, I finally could let go," it would read a whole better had you worded it as "I could finally let go." They are small and subtle differences that can elevate entries.
18. jpow - Matsaya
I really love the flow that your verses carry. It felt chaotic but in an organized way. I felt the rush of the ocean while reading both verses, and while the language was plain, it was well used. The chorus and bridge were both mishaps. The inclusion of Matsaya in such a blunt fashion was off-putting and the rhyme scheme was really messy. The message was also rather bland and the phrase "ocean halls," is very strange sounding, even if it is common, it doesn't really feel in place here. The last chorus should have changed more than the last line because the "I need Matsaya to come protect me," in the last chorus contradicts the progression made in the bridge. Speaking of the bridge, one stanza being all easy rhymes while another one having no rhyme scheme is poor writing. It was almost great.
19. TheCheetahWings - Machine
"Affliction of a saint bound to God’s design," and "The conviction of a saint born to sacrifice," are excellent writing, both in the language and the way you implemented them at the end of each verse. Also, I don't know about you, but the last time I checked the Moon wasn't really made out of cheese so I don't know where the gold moonlight comes from, it's usually always silver-y in my experience. I feel like this is extremely well written as a whole but the chorus didn't feel like lyrics to me. Still, I love the direction you went with here. Love became the metallic subject and although that sounds strange, you made it work. The dialogue was a tad basic but it was an easy transition (and you used it three times, so you must have known this, too). This reminds me a lot of Temporal's writing style, not gonna lie.
20. ughgabriel - Nocturnal
OK, my review is not gonna help you improve at all or whatever. Literally, the only problem I had with this entry was the word "illumes," in the beginning. Everything else, even the slight interruptions in meter (which were justified by what you wrote) was perfect for me. By far, your best entry to date.
21. Buyonce1814 - Lightning
This is pure lyricism at its finest to be honest. From the flow to the language it was poetic, but it read as a song without a doubt. The bridge was the only part I found average, from the cliche "running on empty" to the unwarranted inclusion of the word "dome." Other than that, I love how straightforward you were, yet poignant. That's always refreshing to read. Also in your disclaimer you said Jackson and Temporal, but Temporfail didn't post a song, 'twas I who wrote the unknowingly iconic "The Wind." A message to your memory: Do better. I was really impressed and I'm thankful you submitted!
22. Lucky#17 - Stranger
This had me confused the first time I read it. Is this about this Edison character foretelling incestuous relations between his sister and himself? Also a lot of the events make little sense, like why the sudden (sad) crying, wasn't the sister just happy a minute ago because she hadn't seen Edison in a while? Maybe those are the feelings you've felt in the future? A little more clarity would help. Verse two was not well written. "Anxiousness," and "down to the core," are a bad word choice and a cheap cliche, respectively. I dunno why but I love the “I still love you”, “I’ve missed you”, “I’m thankful you’re safe,” part so much. However, overall this was your weakest entry. Try bringing more sense into your storytelling next time around.
23. Tylerbv - From the Ground Up
 the concept slays. This is from the point of view of a house, yes? Well, you pulled it off really well. I was really moved by this entry because you really accentuated what it means to have a home and how such a place feels. Some weak spots included the pre-chorus which makes no sense at all (re read it and you'll see) and the bridge which was a tad on the basic side. "Grass grew through what I thought was barren land," could have be worded a lot better. Nonetheless, I love the structure and the message. It was quite endearing. Good job!
24. Ceremonials - Anchor
Hm. I can't wait for the entry where Florence's lyrics, or derivatives, are nowhere to be seen! Maybe next week. This wasn't too shabby, but it wasn't amazing. It felt very clunky at parts (mostly due to stressing). I did love the lines "A raindrop turned into a downpour / And a slight breeze into a gust," a lot. Write more like that please. I wasn't completely sold on the anchor imagery, as anchors are necessarily devices that save things. They hold things down, which I guess could work but you didn't implement it strongly enough to convince me. The message was very relatable, though, and it resonated with me, especially the pre chorus.
25. Moonchild - Statue
Moony is officially bacK. This was an amazing read. Although I feel like the "chisel and chip" part would have made a far better chorus (and the actual chorus would've been nice to include, maybe as a bridge) it was very poignant. The amount of imagery was perfect, it wasn't too little nor too much. The meter, rhyme scheme, etc was so tight, but at the same time it felt a little formulaic. Nonetheless, what you wrote was far stronger. Although the outro was nice, the "plith" line should've been changed. That was probably the only noticeable stain in your song.
26. ausdaniel - Dragon
This was a bit too blunt and underdeveloped for my taste. I see that you said you rushed this; you didn't have to tell us for it was rather obvious. Writing about a dragon with your type being dragon wasn't quite clever, either. The language was just uninspiring and again, the subject matter made it lack depth in my opinion. If you would have taken these characteristics of the dragon and applied it as an extended metaphor to another treacherous entity, it would have been a lot more compelling. Baby's and oh's are also big no no's. (I got dem sick rhymez, yo).
27. Element - Apathetic Heart
The first verse and the chorus were redundant. However, I love your concept. It was well executed, especially in the bridge. The "once might blah blah," has been overdone and it didn't fit the style of your song anyway. "Fire surges through these veins, an internal toxic rain," and
"Veins of scarlet, veins of red
Heart of passion, heart of dread
But nothing's inside anymore
Since the venom took control"
are what you should keep on doing, please. Story wise, it wasn't interesting at all since it went nowhere, but this was short enough to justify that, I guess. Because it's so short, even a couple meh lines bring this down a lot tho and the first verse started off weak. Make sure if you're gonna do short, to make every line count.
28. Ventitonic - Venom of Aphrodite
This feels very Dangerous Woman-y but without the sick beats to help you. Some poor word choices brought this otherwise fierce entry down. "Texts," didn't seem natural with all the Greek mythology, "alcoholics anonymous," was  and "feeling the blues," again wasn't consistent with your Aphrodite message. "Pried you off with a knife," is also messy. But I love the aggressive tone you've set up; it created a convincing man-eating Aphrodite.
29. Urban - Momma
The title gives me Tupac teas. Also, I can drag as hard as I want,  This entry reminds me a lot of Citrus' "To," last round but without the same emotional response. However, it was still very sad and I'm sorry if this actually happened. Some of the language was, I dunno, impersonal and cliche to work here. "Emotions run high," and "same day, different battle," didn't work for me. But lines like "12 years old wondering why / Momma's not here to kiss me goodnight" and "Momma I'm trying to put up a fight / But the strength I had, left with you in July" made me really feel what you were going for. Rap entries tend to be filled with easy rhymes, and this was no exception. Sometimes they help with the flow but here, I felt like you could have chosen stronger language. Nonetheless, it's a very solid entry.
30. Dylobs - The Tell Tale Heart
"A cotton bag of self-loathing"  sorry for laughing but that could have been worded better. It made me laugh and this song is about murder. Also, it's "lest I forget," not "less." This entry had wonderful story telling (and did you reference the Edgar Allan Poe work?) Well you did a good job at summarizing the story, not much else. From the constant switching of tenses to the plain language (a reverse your last entry tea), it fell very flat. Some things were far too blunt, such as "I chose to hide him in the closet." Work on more clever ways to word phrases. That's what helps with poignancy. Also, a lot of the lines were filler and it could have been condensed. The length sort of diluted its effect.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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I appreciated the clever play on words in your title; considering your type is ice, tundra makes sense. If only the rest of your entry had been as clever.
I squealed 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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I would just like to point out my keywords to the judges who "barely got" psychic from my song. I went the mental illness route with my entry, which I thought would be the most unpredictable.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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I'll take almost great.  I'm glad you seemed to have enjoyed it!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Thanks Hor. I knew you wouldn't like this one as much 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
hi
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hey
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
Buy ARTPOP at a local Walmart near you
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Do you not go to Target anymore? Are you and Candice not on good terms?
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
I would just like to point out my keywords to the judges who "barely got" psychic from my song. I went the mental illness route with my entry, which I thought would be the most unpredictable. |
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Do you not go to Target anymore? Are you and Candice not on good terms?
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Actually, Candice and I made up. I made ALL of the electronics displayed in target show my youtube channel on the front page, so everyone walking buy would see my channel (Literally more promo than Lemonade), and she didn't say anything. She also hooked me up with Fire Emblem Conquest when no other store in the area had it, truly a target queen!!
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Originally posted by UncleIroh
Overall, this round produced the most quality to far. There were more 8+ entries than usual and even a 10 in my scores.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
Actually, Candice and I made up. I made ALL of the electronics displayed in target show my youtube channel on the front page, so everyone walking buy would see my channel (Literally more promo than Lemonade), and she didn't say anything. She also hooked me up with Fire Emblem Conquest when no other store in the area had it, truly a target queen!!
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Candice, her Emancipation of Mimi era
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Thanks for the review swifty
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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Quote:
20. ughgabriel - Nocturnal
OK, my review is not gonna help you improve at all or whatever. Literally, the only problem I had with this entry was the word "illumes," in the beginning. Everything else, even the slight interruptions in meter (which were justified by what you wrote) was perfect for me. By far, your best entry to date.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
Where's 8th got to?
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Who knows. I think he's done with batch 1 tho?
Jackson and Hor are you guys revealing your t5/t10? Give us hints bitch
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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I would post hints but I want to give my reviews a chance to sink in. They are flopping rn
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