[jpow]

ugh.

[Jackson]

BATCH TWØ

Musickid203 – Tenfold
You built your song in a way that built itself towards the titular line, but that line itself felt lackluster. I definitely get what you were going for with “everything crumbled tenfold”, but that wording just feels awkward and when it’s both the title and center of your song it makes it appear much weaker. Songs about fire are way overdone in the music industry, so when choosing fire as a type you have to make yours stand out. Use an original concept or original imagery. Spin the whole concept of fire and find a unique take on it. A lot of your wording and imagery felt very familiar, especially in the prechorus. There was an easily fixable typo in the second verse. There were a few awkward rhymes I didn’t like (crumb in the bridge). I’m glad you avoided the obvious haze/blaze rhyme in the first verse so good job on that.


HausOfNiko – Double On Tundra
I really wish you would have rewritten that chorus . The first line is much too wordy and all filler. “I just need someone like you to tell me I’m fine” could fit in almost any love song and has no originality. “Just for one night” seemed forced to fit the meter and rhyme scheme. Alright and despised didn’t really fit together well, and despised itself is a really clunky word for an end rhyme in a chorus. In addition, I felt like you went a little too far with your concept to the point that it took away some of the emotion of the song. In a lot of cases imagery greatly helps to improve the emotion of a song, but here it neither helped nor hindered it. The imagery you chose to use was pretty familiar, bordering on cliché even (heart is frozen, stone cold, break the ice). This was still a step up from some of your other (solo) songs, and it looks like you’re making progress this season.


jpow – Matsya
I’m a little curious as to why you chose the title and concept of “Matsya”, yet never expanded on it. Basically the only reference to the legend is the name drop and reference to a flood in the chorus. The rest of the song consists simply of random water imagery and the act of drowning. Your song would have been a lot stronger had you alluded more to Hindu scripture and mythology, the geography of India and its surrounding lands, or really included anything other than senseless water imagery. The first verse feels redundant and doesn’t really go anywhere. You practically repeat the same line four times in different ways. The phrase “weight of pressure” feels awkward and could have been changed to something like “weighted pressure”.


TheCheetahWings – Machine
Your biggest downfall here appeared to be a lack of understanding of words or awkward wording. The line “electrum of things” in the chorus doesn’t make a lot of sense, but you used the same word correctly in the bridge. “Mind” and “quarantine” don’t rhyme (quarantine would rhyme with “mean”). In the first night “in the night” feels like extra wording added as filler. In the second verse “silver” would have fit the slow of the song better than “gold”, and would have been a clever use of familiar imagery flipped to fit the theme of your song. Conceptually this was one of the stronger entries, although the fact that silver and gold aren’t typically used in machinery kind of divided the theme of your song into two pieces that didn’t quite connect. The themes of precious metals and machinery didn’t fit together well and fragmented your song, although you pulled off each individual theme well. You had a similar problem to last week in that your song didn’t appear to have any progression or storyline. Everything was stagnant. I was hoping for a point when the lover would go against this machine and try to learn to love again but I never got a sense of that.


ughgabriel – Nocturnal
Ew, OK, line one. Delete the fat. The first verse went overboard on the big words and pretentious imagery. “Diamond moon” and “litmus lights” were filler and didn’t really have any impact on me or the song. The song suffered from a few awkward lines as well, most notably in the chorus (like a fool/after the vampire). A lot of the imagery you used didn’t make a lot of sense, such as “blood of sapphire” considering sapphires are typically blue. It makes the next line seem especially forced as well. There seemed to be too many things going on here as well. On one hand, you used a lot of gems and precious metals as imagery. On the other you used metaphors of monsters and beasts. The first theme didn’t really convey a sense of darkness for me. I am glad you stepped outside the box with your lyrical choices and didn’t fall victim to familiar language and clichés of darkness like most of your peers. Most of the chorus apart from the last three lines was enjoyable as well.


Buyonce1814 – Lightning
I think I’m going to made a guide on this because this is like the fifth song I’ve seen this round with this problem, but stressing is just as important to your flow as your meter. The stressing in your first verse is done well, but it’s completely different in the second verse. Even though lines like “stars can’t be seen in the light” fit the meter of the song, but the stressing of the line still completely throws off the flow. I’m forced to read the line like “STARS can’t be seen IN the light” which sounds awkward. The next line falls victim to the same problem. The chorus has its own set of problems. You fit two clichés in two lines (smoke and mirrors/things aren’t always what they seem) and neither adds much to the song. “Pure deception” sounds forced when paired with the reflection rhyme. “Running out on empty” is phrased wrong as well. Your type seemed secondary in the song, as if lines were being thrown in to fit the theme rather than being organically added. All this being said, you had a unique flow in the first verse I really enjoyed and the prechorus was a highlight.


Lucky#17 – Stranger
This song is riddled with awkward rhymes and lines, from “lax” in the first verse to practically the entire second verse. “Anxiousness” is an incredibly long, clunky word to be putting at the end of a line. The “shook” line didn’t fit the tone of the rest of the song and “core” is almost always an awkward rhyme. Conceptually I didn’t really get a feel of your type here at all. I’m not sure what about the song is supposed to hint me to your type. The spoken parts were a little strange and without any context other than the lyric of your song I didn’t know how to interpret them. This is an example of where an introduction or some kind of explanation of the song could have come in handy. I’m glad your song did have some kind of progression and the end was a little better than the beginning.


Tylerbv – From the Ground Up
Is this like a children’s poem for future emo kids? That’s basically how it read. At times it was too dark to be lighthearted (covered in debris and regret) while at others it was almost comically elementary (I watched families judge my worth/I got to watch all my neighbors find happiness). You took the concept of your song so far that it lost its meaning. Instead of being a song about a man that feels like an empty lot you practically personified the lot and made it a glorified cartoon character. That mixed with the cringey lines above made the song entirely unsuccessful in conveying its point or having any sort of impact, but I guess you followed the challenge criteria well at least.


ceremonials – Anchor
Unfortunately, the chorus of your song completely destroyed the momentum of it. The Savior/anchor rhyme was awkward, and the repeated use of anchor in the chorus was weaker than the use in the prechorus. I could have done without the chorus entirely, instead subbing the prechorus for it and adding a few extra lines to get across the concept of the line “some things you love you have to lose”. I didn’t like the away/astray rhyme in the second verse. You could have tightened up the meter in the verses to greatly strengthen that section of the song. You did a good job of balancing emotion and imagery, so had you fixed the chorus, the meter in the verses, and the few awkward lines this would have been much stronger.


Moonchild – Statue
The post-chorus kind of lost identity with generic lines like “when will it end? /when will I break through”. Often questions give a more personal approach to songwriting, but here it took away the personality. This challenge definitely fit your writing style, and I feel like you fulfilled the assignment sufficiently. I didn’t mind the repetition in the chisel and chip section, but the nose to hip rhyme was weak. That part would have been an effective prechorus you could have repeated in the second verse or as a bridge. This was all strong but there was nothing that really won me over. It was your typical style and no line really stuck out other than the “marbled skin” line.


ausdaniel – Dragon
Thank you for sticking it out and getting a song in, even with your rough schedule. It means a lot to us that you would take time out of your busy life and fit in some time for writing. I could definitely tell this was rushed. A few of the lines (cause I can be scary / Or melt all of the snow) were pretty bad. Your language in general was pretty plain and left much to be desired. I wish you would have taken a bit of a less literal approach. The song was about a dragon itself but didn’t really feel like a “dragon” song. It wasn’t ferocious, beastly, or mythical in nature. The bridge was fat to be deleted altogether, with each line seeming to exist simply to fill space and fulfill the rhyme scheme. The children’s feel to it worked to some extent, although it didn’t really fit the type and the challenge in my opinion.


Element – Apathetic Heart
There were some pretty noticeable flaws in the flow of the song. The last line of the first verse was worded awkwardly. It could have gone something like “and feel my mind travel away” or something similar to fix the flow issues. The sentiments and words in the chorus are pretty strong themselves, but the way they’re worded and the length of the lines weakens their meaning. The language in the bridge was nice but I felt like there should have been something there to progress the story further than a simple description of an alcoholic. You had a good tone throughout, however and I liked some of your word choices.


Ventitonic – Venom of Aphrodite
Slivers my way through? That sounds painful. Maybe I don’t know the meaning of the word but did you mean slithers? Anyways, I don’t want to drag you too much because while this wasn’t anything impressive, it’s an improvement and I don’t want you regressing. Your biggest issues were forced rhymes and clichés (“I’ll just leave him feeling the blues” is a good example of both). Remember when you use bigger words to not make them clunky or conversational sounding (like technique in the chorus). It seems like you’re finally starting to get down the basics of flow and emotion, so keep working on honing in on those. This wasn’t the worst entry this round so congrats.


URBAN – Momma
The AABC rhyme scheme was a little odd, and it came off a little harshly when I was expecting an AABB rhyme scheme. The chorus could have been honed in a little more to flow a light tighter to make the emotion stronger. Other than the mention of putting up a fight I didn’t get a lot of “fighting” from this. You could have strengthened the theme by adding a few lines relating your experiences to an actual fight or something like that. A few lines were awkward as well, such as the “press 5 to accept the call” line. Still, this was one of the strongest entries I’ve seen from you in this competition and you finally managed to make your emotion appear authentic and incorporate some original imagery.


Dylobs – The Tell Tale Heart
I SCREAMED at the G.U.Y video link . Yeah but that line was terrible. I was getting some weird Dahmer vibes from this, and ignoring what I said in the dubtrack, there’s only so far you can go in a dark song without it going overboard. This felt a little too dark, as if it was dark for the sake of having a shock factor to elicit some cheap emotion. I kind of wish you had kept the themes in the first verse out altogether, because otherwise the song was a strong retelling of the Edgar Allen Poe poem. The song did suffer from quite a few awkward rhymes, but compared to your last two entries it was less tragic overall.

[Ventitonic]

I don’t want to drag you too much because while this wasn’t anything impressive, it’s an improvement and I don’t want you regressing. It seems like you’re finally starting to get down the basics of flow and emotion, so keep working on honing in on those. This wasn’t the worst entry this round so congrats.

Thank you.

[jpow]

Originally posted by Jackson

jpow – Matsya
I’m a little curious as to why you chose the title and concept of “Matsya”, yet never expanded on it. Basically the only reference to the legend is the name drop and reference to a flood in the chorus. The rest of the song consists simply of random water imagery and the act of drowning. Your song would have been a lot stronger had you alluded more to Hindu scripture and mythology, the geography of India and its surrounding lands, or really included anything other than senseless water imagery. The first verse feels redundant and doesn’t really go anywhere. You practically repeat the same line four times in different ways. The phrase “weight of pressure” feels awkward and could have been changed to something like “weighted pressure”.

I was really afraid to expand so much on the legend of Matysa because I was afraid those who were unfamiliar wouldn't get it and would be uninterested. So the song is supposed to be a comparison between his legend and then the act of emerging from the bottom of the ocean. (or overcoming depression).

I'm glad you didn't absolutely drag me though and seemed to maybe kinda like it.

[ughgabriel]

ughgabriel – Nocturnal
Ew, OK, line one. Delete the fat. The first verse went overboard on the big words and pretentious imagery. “Diamond moon” and “litmus lights” were filler and didn’t really have any impact on me or the song. The song suffered from a few awkward lines as well, most notably in the chorus (like a fool/after the vampire). A lot of the imagery you used didn’t make a lot of sense, such as “blood of sapphire” considering sapphires are typically blue. It makes the next line seem especially forced as well. There seemed to be too many things going on here as well. On one hand, you used a lot of gems and precious metals as imagery. On the other you used metaphors of monsters and beasts. The first theme didn’t really convey a sense of darkness for me. I am glad you stepped outside the box with your lyrical choices and didn’t fall victim to familiar language and clichés of darkness like most of your peers. Most of the chorus apart from the last three lines was enjoyable as well.

Thank you! Even though I'd want to defend the "blood of sapphire" line since I was actually referring to blue blood. Vampires are considered to have blue blood since (in some legends) most of them come from royalty. But thank you, I'll try to step it up for the next round

[Jackson]

Originally posted by jpow

I was really afraid to expand so much on the legend of Matysa because I was afraid those who were unfamiliar wouldn't get it and would be uninterested. So the song is supposed to be a comparison between his legend and then the act of emerging from the bottom of the ocean. (or overcoming depression).

I'm glad you didn't absolutely drag me though and seemed to maybe kinda like it.

I'll admit I didn't know a lot either, but I always do a little research on songs I don't know the context behind, so I read the legend after my first read of the song and then went back. And yeah I dragged everyone so just cause I said more negative than positive doesn't mean I didn't like your song

Originally posted by ughgabriel

Thank you! Even though I'd want to defend the "blood of sapphire" line since I was actually referring to blue blood. Vampires are considered to have blue blood since (in some legends) most of them come from royalty. But thank you, I'll try to step it up for the next round

Didn't know that, thanks for the explanation But don't worry you were one of my higher scoring songs this round.

I think I'll do hints later because I want the people that did well to know and not obsess over their criticisms

[swiftie13]

Originally posted by Citrus

I plan on quitting in R6 and then hate ****ing Swiftie

excuse me?

[jpow]

Originally posted by Jackson

I'll admit I didn't know a lot either, but I always do a little research on songs I don't know the context behind, so I read the legend after my first read of the song and then went back. And yeah I dragged everyone so just cause I said more negative than positive doesn't mean I didn't like your song

I'll keep this in mind, because my first concept for the song had a lot of Hindu words involved too, and I was going for this chill electronic meditation bop but then I read that some foreign language songs don't do well and then I didn't want to overload with the Hindu imagery. But I'll feel a bit more comfortable going all out for a concept like this in the future.

[ceremonials]

[Witch Privilege]

Have I been eliminated yet?

[ceremonials]

Jackson since you told batch 1 eho was the best who was the best in batch two?

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Jackson

...just cause I said more negative than positive doesn't mean I didn't like your song

I think I'll do hints later because I want the people that did well to know and not obsess over their criticisms

Nervous, but lemme perch for those.

[Jackson]

Originally posted by jpow

I'll keep this in mind, because my first concept for the song had a lot of Hindu words involved too, and I was going for this chill electronic meditation bop but then I read that some foreign language songs don't do well and then I didn't want to overload with the Hindu imagery. But I'll feel a bit more comfortable going all out for a concept like this in the future.

If I can get a #1 with a Navajo song you can do it with a Hindu song

Originally posted by ceremonials

this was one of my favorite songs from you

[Jackson]

Originally posted by ceremonials

Jackson since you told batch 1 eho was the best who was the best in batch two?

Moonchild


My highest score this round was an 8, lowest was a 3

[Gladion]

Ouch :/

You are totally right though, I see what you mean!! Thanks Jackson

[Jaxswim]

Originally posted by ceremonials

Jackson since you told batch 1 eho was the best who was the best in batch two?

Oh, this cute little shout-out to me

[URBAN]

What's AABB?

[ceremonials]

Originally posted by Jackson

If I can get a #1 with a Navajo song you can do it with a Hindu song


this was one of my favorite songs from you

Thanks you kinda dragged everyone though so am not feeling too discouraged.

[keshaspearsxo]

Thanks for the review jackson!

[keshaspearsxo]

Originally posted by URBAN

What's AABB?

How
Now
We
Be