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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
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The middle aged gay living in ha parents basement fanfic in here
Do better
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Also dub track won't load for me
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weird. it did that for me but i just used a diff browser and it worked
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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**** maintenance tbh
I'll give you guys a treat with about 6 reviews at 3:17 AM xoxox
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Random Batch Reviews
Quote:
1. Citrus - the Times
This was good, and from I remember, you gave it a different meaning from KWORB’s version. I think you handled the concept well, it felt fresh even though it’s not a particularly original idea.
- “But I can’t recall the times” unfortunately the title felt a bit trite here, if you can’t remember “the times” of the movies, you could just ask the man you’re talking to  It just didn’t feel as poised and poetic as you wanted it to be. If you wanted it to mean “the times” as in the period of time when your movies played, that would fall a bit flat as well since you go through describing that time in detail, but that’s just a minor quarrel since I don’t think that’s something you were considering.
- “Chair/Hair” was SO forced, the “hair” line was such a throwaway.
2. 8thPrince - Thank You. I Love You. Goodbye.
This entire entry was too prosey and verbose. There wasn’t a strong flow to it, and a number of the lines were clunky (case in point: “Like the minute and short hands sweep the clock’s face”). The prose itself is nice and mostly well-written - the 2nd stanza of the chorus is BEAUTIFUL - and there are some particularly nice images and ideas, but you didn’t make them concise enough for song lyrics in my opinion. Pretty much all of my quarrels go back to those issues, so I don’t have a lot of comments otherwise.
- “Riding on Halley’s Comet like a rocket ship” the “Halley’s Comet” reference felt a bit extra.
- “If a lifetime’s a hope at the farthest extremes / Then this second will be my wildest dream“ this is pretty at face value but I don’t see it having practical meaning, at least to the extent of the other lyrics here.
3. swiftie13 - Heartwater
The homophone rhyming was very ambitious for sure, and it could’ve paid off, but all of those rhymes just came off as very forced; you were really bending over backwards to make the rhymes work and even then, for the most part, they didn’t (mainly “prey/prayed”), and just weren’t worth it. Your style was pretty, but the song really suffered from a lack of direction.
- I don’t get how a “vein” could know someone as a habit. The 2nd stanza of the first verse just fell very flat.
4. ughgabriel - Siren Song
So this song was pretty, and definitely reads like a dark, Into You level bop, but I feel like a lot of the words and imagery here were used just for face level “ooooo” factor. They don’t seem to hold much water or meaning beyond that, i.e. the criticism that I got when I threw a song together really quick! Not saying that you did that, but I feel like I understand how this could have happened. I want a much stronger idea or concept for next round rather than just cramming as much dark and fire imagery into a song as you can to say “SUICIDE”.
- The tense of the first verse is really messy. The entire section needed to be redone to some extent. The second verse also suffered but to a lesser extent.
- “Smokes/stokes” “sea/debris” and “heat/defeat” were v forced
- “Ring the alert” was awkward, literally no one uses that phrase in English
- “Sweet inferno, you were unkind” “unkind” isn’t a strong enough word, which is accentuated by the AAAA rhyme scheme
5. Jackson - Island
This was a clean and well executed song. I don’t have any major complaints really. Your imagery was pretty tasteful aside from the 2nd verse where some images - particularly “aurora lights” - felt thrown in purely for aesthetic purposes rather than practical ones. The concept was a bit barebones as well, but I don’t feel hard pressed to really slam you for those issues when aside from that the song was very tight.
- “And when the harshest cyclones hit / They're teaching me to sail my ship” p sure this should be “they’ll teach me (how)” (the first line sets up the conditional tense)
- The 2nd verse was nice, but I don’t feel like it added anything to the song. In a way, it felt banal. Not in the imagery or prose - which, at moments was a bit trite - but in the underlying message that it was trying to describe, it didn’t add anything to what you already said beforehand. Does that make sense? Regardless, that was the weakest part of the song for me.
- “Depths/Crests” kind of toed the line between forced and clever, but I think thankfully it leans more towards the latter.
6. Aurora - Deer
This song was a bit gimmicky for sure, but for the most part, I’m happy to say it paid off. It wasn’t perfect, but I enjoyed the metaphor of vulnerability and the lyrical plays you made. “Dance on the edge of a bayonet” is one of my fave lyrics of the season thus far honestly. My major complaint is that the narration got a bit exhausting with the length, especially when you “dart for escape” and you narrate all the consequences of that afterwards, it felt very artificial. Otherwise, I was really impressed by the artistic plays you made to commit to the “deer” idea.
- “If I don't run; will leave me dead” this line was v choppy, I think changing “will” to “he’ll” would’ve made this look and read better (you would just need a comma as opposed to the semicolon)
- “My hunter friend's returned” Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to state the obvious, we have a doppelganger in our midst. I… as an artist who respects creative, integrity, and intellectual property, I’m disgusted at how much you have copied me from the h to the r. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock, it's cheesy, it’s disgusting.
- “The hunter or my demons” Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to state the obvious, we have a doppelganger in our midst. I… as an artist who respects creative, integrity, and intellectual property, I’m disgusted at how much you have copied me from the h to the r. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock, it's cheesy, it’s disgusting.
7. Ceremonials - The Times
So this song was good, but I want to caution you on the gimmick that you've seemingly taken a liking to, which is to use mourning and death for emotional bonus points. You can only use it one so many times before it starts to get monotonous and pale in comparison to the other songs you've written in that vein. It was fine for this week, but I'd really recommend straying away from this kind of songwriting for the next week at least. ANYWAYS:
- "Maybe it hurts the most this time of year" not "maybe", does it, or does it not?
- "December/remember" okay pretty much ANYTIME you want to rhyme with a month of the year, it will come off forced. Thankfully, this one wasn't overwhelmingly egregious, but I would highly recommend avoiding this in the future if you can!
- You didn't need to use the "look at the sky, our dead homie is up there" motif more than once
- The rhymes in the outro were very trite
- Overall I wanted more couplets to puncH, there wasn't a high point to this song (I think the outro tried to be, but the rhymes really killed it for me).
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
reported for racism
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Non posso leggere improvvisiamente, non lo so!
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Not pear being serious when he said he was kicking me off the panel 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Not pear being serious when he said he was kicking me off the panel |
Temp only reviewed those songs cause those were the ones that were posted on the thread!
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by ughgabriel
Temp only reviewed those songs cause those were the ones that were posted on the thread!
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Oh, the way I was shook for a second.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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I'm so glad you liked the bayonet lyric Hunter, I almost scrapped it because it didn't seem to fit the meter of the rest of the verse but in the end I kind of liked that about it.  Every word in that lyric has an important connection to the song's meaning for me; the 'deer' dancing, the play on being 'on a knife-edge', and the bayonet/rifle imagery evoking danger. Thanks for the early review.
Screaming @ Natalia. I almost mentioned cupid in the song too but I thought better of it. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
Originally posted by ughgabriel
Temp only reviewed those songs cause those were the ones that were posted on the thread!
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Oh. I was about to seethe because I submitted before a few of those girls.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Wow Ed Sheeran already won 2017. You just know he's gonna have smash singles and a smash album.
I don't know which song I like more. I thought I liked "Castle on the Hill" on first listen to both, but "Shape of You" just gets better which each listen. Hmm.
Also seeing recent pictures of Ed Sheeran kind of gave me the motivation to trim my beard and I'm serving now. Yas. Just need a ****boy haircut and a summer body and I'll be good to go. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aurora
Wow Ed Sheeran already won 2017. You just know he's gonna have smash singles and a smash album.
I don't know which song I like more. I thought I liked "Castle on the Hill" on first listen to both, but "Shape of You" just gets better which each listen. Hmm.
Also seeing recent pictures of Ed Sheeran kind of gave me the motivation to trim my beard and I'm serving now. Yas. Just need a ****boy haircut and a summer body and I'll be good to go. |
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Both of Ed's songs sound like rip-offs of other songs, he lost.
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Mess I was sh00k by those reviews thinking why wasn't I sent.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Shape of you is definitely smashing though
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Oh wow at me competing with ceremonials and citrus for "The Times" song (and there may be others)
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Oh wow at me competing with ceremonials and citrus for "The Times" song (and there may be others)
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It's not like only one of us can get good reviews/scores for it tho. Like they're not judged separately
But good luck
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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