Welcome to ATRL
Text adapted from chapter seven of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. All rights belong to JK Rowling, queen of all.
The forum opened at once. A blonde, skinny bitch in emerald green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and the new members' first thought was that this was not someone to cross.
“The new members, Cupid,” said Matty.
“Thank you, Matty. I will take them from here.”
“Welcome to ATRL,” said Cupid. “The start of term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your fanbases. The sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your fanbase will be something like your family within ATRL. You will have classes with the rest of your fanbase and spend free time in your fanbase threads.
“Each fanbase has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding members. While you are on ATRL, your triumphs will earn your fanbase recognition, while any rule-breaking will lose fanbase esteem. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever fanbase becomes yours.”
“Now form a line,” Cupid told the new members, “and follow me.”
“When I call your username, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted.”
Athens had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the new members, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.
“Welcome!” he said. “Welcome to a new year on ATRL! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Slay! Impact! ARTPOP! YAAAAAASSSSS!
“Thank you!”
He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. The new members didn't know whether to laugh or not.
“Is he — a bit mad?” a new member asked JakeKills uncertainly.
“Mad?” said JakeKills airily. “He's a genius! Best administrator in the world wide web! But he is a bit mad, yes.”
“That does look good,” said the ghost of a long permabanned monster sadly, watching a new member made his first post.
“Can't you —”
“I haven't posted for nearly four hundred years,” said the ghost.
“I'm half and half,” said one new member. “Me dad's a disciple. Mum didn't tell him she was a katykat 'til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him.”
The others laughed.
“Well, my gran brought me up and she's a Cher crew member,” said another new member, “but the family thought I was a Barb for ages.”
A new member, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the mod squad again. Matty was drinking deeply from his goblet. Cupid was talking to Athens. Razzle, in his absurd turban, was talking to a moderator with greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin.
“Who's that moderator talking to Razzle?” a new member asked JakeKills.
“Oh, you know Razzle already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Lipton. He stans for Enya, but he doesn't want to — everyone knows he's after a spot in the hive. Knows an awful lot about Beyoncé, Lipton.”
At last, the desserts too disappeared, and Athens got to his feet again. The hall fell silent.
“Ahem — just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start of term notices to give you.
“New members should note that posting download links, abrasive or vulgar content is forbidden to all members. And a few of our older members would do well to remember that as well. (Read ATRL's rules and guidelines
here).
“I have also been asked by Joseph, the caretaker, to remind you all that no mangled nicknames or flamebait content should be posted outside of Stand Your Ground.
“And finally, I must tell you that this year, any disrespectful comments made about the forum's server or purported upgrade are out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to recieve a very permanent ban.”
A new member laughed, but he was one of the very few that did.
“And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the forum's song!” cried Athens. New members noticed that the other staff members' smiles had become rather fixed.
“Everyone pick their favorite tune,” said Athens, “and off we go!”
And the forum bellowed:
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only two new members of Lorde's fanbase were left singing to a very slow funeral march. Athens conducted their last few lines with his wand and when they had finished, he was one of the those who clapped loudest.
“Ah, music,” Athens said, wiping his eyes. “A magic beyond all we do here!
”
