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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch 1
Quote:
1. Tymps.
When it comes to duets, I feel it’s important that both participants have equal weight in the song: not necessarily meaning equal length, but an equal amount of impact on the song. Unfortunately, Orange completely outshined Purple here. Lines like “I want you to **** me like I’m a blow-up sex doll” really leave an impression, but Purple gets stuck with a more traditional-and frankly more boring-perspective. You realized you needed contrast, but you forced it. Perhaps making Purple take on a polar extreme to Orange as a puritanical Christian schoolgirl would’ve been a more interesting take? Regardless, there are parts that made me laugh, but there were only half as many humorous moments as compared to Big Toe Aphrodisiac.
Besides all that, it’s technically sound. I like the internal rhymes on the fourth lines of the verses.
2. Oreguy
I like that you used a secondary voice to introduce a twist in your story, which was a good use of the challenge. However, if we strip the female’s voice out of the piece, suddenly the song becomes a standard love song, with no hints to a sinister undercurrent of domestic violence, besides “don’t scream tonight”, which honestly sounds more clumsy than it sounds like an intentional attempt at foreshadowing. There are a lot of bungled phrases in here that weaken the reveal of this piece, in fact, and it’s not helped by the frequent grammatical errors.
My main issue however is your overuse of repetition and parentheticals: they made the song harder to read by breaking up the lines. There weren’t good uses of having two voices.
3. Vision
I was honestly worried this wasn’t going to make good on the idea of a duet challenge, but the last three stanzas completely changed my mind. Writing a murder ballad is definitely original, and was a brilliant shift in tone. I especially love how the refrain gets repurposed for the last iteration.
My main problem is that the characters’ inner thoughts for the first two pairs of verses sound identical, and could be switched without notice: this is a problem, as the man’s insidious intentions should somewhat be alluded to, since we are inside his head. Making the characters non-distinct emotionally and mentally is a poor use of the duet form, despite the cool ending the duet form allows in this song. Keep characterization in mind in the future.
This was a lot cleaner than your entry last week, but it has just as many interesting ideas. Keep it up.
4. E-Raine
I’ll start with this: This was not a good use of the duet format for this challenge. We pointed out how a solo song with a rap verse likely wouldn’t be a good use of the form: same goes for the inverse. There’s some interplay between the two voices, but it’s not constructive, and serves more as a “hype” vocal.
In regards to the content of your song: as a rap song, it’s in line with the quality of mainstream rap today, meaning it’s pretty poor. Invokes a lot of bad rap writing clichés such as crossword rap (ie “And then she went down: stock market”), an oblivious image, and, most egregiously, a heavy usage of the word “shawty”, which has been dead for a long while.
This is radically different from your entry last week, but that doesn’t make it better. It’s still poor. This is my advice for you when you compete next season: Don’t let your entry for Round 1 Season 10 be the first thing you’ve written since this piece. Keep writing, and write often. Get comfortable with songwriting and find your own voice, and try not to take from voices around you. This is all I ask you to do, if you really want to improve as a songwriter. Thank you for competing.
5. KeshasFansRose
I don’t think this was an interesting use of two voices. One singer could’ve easily covered both parts in this song without any alterations, which shouldn’t be possible in a piece truly dedicated to being a duet.
Content wise, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before, an example of pop radio candy. Even as a fluffy pop piece, there are a quite a few missteps in word choice and phrasing that drag it down. The “art/suck” line being the most inappropriate: might’ve worked in a song like CSS’s Art Bitch, but it’s nausea-inducing in a song like this. I feel like it would’ve helped had you ben a bit more extreme with the flirty and dirty aspect of this, as it’s limp and unsexy as is. It’s a bit worrying that one of the earlier songs was more deserving of a title such as Rough Love, when only half its lyrics worked towards that idea. Try writing something with a bit more bite, next time.
6. Nait Phoenix
The central metaphor for “war” which drives this piece is much too abstract. I have a slight suspicion this “war” is between the man and the female’s family due to them being an interracial couple, but the racial undertones are so far in the periphery that it doesn’t have a huge impact on the piece. Even if true, it’s worrying how utterly oblivious the female character is to what the conflict. She’s not fleshed out emotionally and serves only as a support for the male character, despite getting an equal amount of lines. Regardless of what you mean by the war metaphor, I don’t find this to be a good use of the duet format. I think your piece last week covered its topic better than this one did, as well as engaging the senses more adequately. Besides all that, technique-wise, it’s solid.
7. Xederntinz Lododnz
ABCD rhyme scheme isn’t something we generally see, but you did use it consistently.
I really wish you would’ve taken advantage of the opportunity to work with a partner this week, as it’s your choices in words and errors that are really holding your songs back, something a second set of eyes could’ve rectified. I think your underlying theme is fine, but the words you choose to express your ideas are rarely the best ones. The part of your song that demonstrates this most obviously is the titular phrase “a really sad goodbye”, which doesn’t have as much weight as the word’s individual English definitions might say they do.
I’m telling you that you should really run your songs by other people as you’re working on them in the future, asking them to point out words that might have more vivid substitutes: like using “devastating” instead of “sad”. That is my primary piece of advice.
8. Urban & Navyofbadgals
This is not an effective duet. I don’t get a feel of two distinct voices or perspectives: the parts could be sung by one person without any consequence, which shouldn’t be possible in a duet. I don’t you guys rose up to meet the challenge.
Content-wise: I know you guys could’ve layered on the despair a bit more thickly, but it’s sufficient as is. The use of parentheticals were a waste of time however, and didn’t expand meaning.
I don’t have much to say about this song as I find it pretty underwhelming. For the next challenges, use the guidelines to add a spin on your regular writing, rather than trying to do the minimum to meet the guidelines.
9. Mxtthewdelrey
This is one of the better sex songs we got this round due to the characters being a bit more defined. I don’t find this to be a good use of the duet form, however, as the characters and their parts are pretty similar.
In regards to technique, this is much tighter than last week’s entry, so good job on improving that. The meter and stressing is more on point. In regards to content, it was pretty typical topically, which is kind of disappointing. There are gems to be found, such as “the darkness makes me shiver, and I long for you salvation”.
Honestly, I like this less than your song from last week. The memorable personality is missing, this time. In the next songs your write, I hope you can blend interesting characters with good technique.
10. Moonchild & conatus
I think the Roman Empire allusions/metaphors were interesting (Thought the “built in a day” reference among the many clichés in the bridge is a low-point), but they obscured the literal circumstances of your song too much. I’m interested as to what Lover 2 did, but that’s not discernable underneath all the figurative language in this piece. You two put too much focus on the motif than the actual meaning, in general.
Technically, it’s flawless, but the content does not reward readers with any emotional impact.
11. Hugamari & lovesong
As I was reading this song, I was thinking that its effectiveness would ride on the promise of the “answer” it teases: unfortunately, I wasn’t satisfied with the answer you two provided.
The answer being “Welp, times were hard and I did what I have to do, I love you” is totally noncommittal and is really just lazy writing. That doesn’t tell me anything about the mother’s circumstances or motivations. I understand you two were aiming for a somewhat positive resolution, but this was a pretty easy way of going about it. It’s emotionally tone deaf. I know you both are seasoned enough writers to come up with motivations more substantial than this one, and I hope you put more work into writing nuanced characters in the future. Technically fine, but overall, this was disappointing.
12. Musickid203 & Lucky#17
First of all, while cracking your head on the bed of a pool is certainly an interesting image, I’m not entirely sure it fits the tone of the piece!
This almost gets to explaining why the two characters stay with this guy, but it falls a little bit short. I was wondering why they don’t leave when they clearly understand the situation, and the bridge somewhat tries to tackle this question, but not sufficiently enough, to my tastes. I feel like there’s more that could’ve been done with the presence of two voices, but they seem to have identical takes on the situation, despite one being the side-piece.
Technique-wise, this is rough at times, with some very labored rhymes, such as elephant/hesitant and rebuttal/puzzle, two lines desperately in need of a rewrite. Overall, it’s passable. You two didn’t really take advantage of the opportunity duets present by having two takes on the same events.
13. MattyTacos & TheCheetahWings
This is a traditional take on the duet format, and while that’s fine, I was hoping for something a bit more interesting, what with the access to an additional perspective. It’s a competent use of two voices, but not a memorable one.
Content-wise, I have to point out how easily one singer could’ve covered both parts, lessening the need for an additional voice. Otherwise, it’s well done in regards to technique. There are mentions of persecution, and I can’t help but think that digging deeper into the grittier parts of the two characters’ relationship would’ve added contrast this piece needed. In the future, I just want more textured songs from you both, and for you two to find ways to use the challenge to put a new spin on your writing.
14. Tylerbv
I feel like this was the first song that really rose up to the challenge aspect of writing a duet and took it in stride. I love the concept and contrast between the two characters, and how they have distinct takes on the same situation, something a lot of other contestants couldn’t capture this week. Good job on rising to the occasion.
Technique-wise, I’m less impressed: the syllables between lines match, yes, but how they are stressed/emphasized do not. Working out the stressing would’ve brought this concept up to the next level.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
swiftie, I'm glad you liked my 2nd stanza. It's my fave part too!
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Hm.
I think we both had a pretty good say in that verse 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
Nobody cares about batch one. Delete them.
Waiting for Lord's masterpiece Last Kiss to be posted here.
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I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last...
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I wonder how many scores above 3 there were for 8th.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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@ the judges this season
smh 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 12,615
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
I wonder how many scores above 3 there were for 8th.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
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I'd be sad but this works in my favor.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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Quote:
Originally posted by 8thPrince
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Ready 8th reviews every week I can't help but wonder if we were sent the same songs  But that's not necessarily a bad thing I guess?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
13. MattyTacos & TheCheetahWings
This is a traditional take on the duet format, and while that’s fine, I was hoping for something a bit more interesting, what with the access to an additional perspective. It’s a competent use of two voices, but not a memorable one.
Content-wise, I have to point out how easily one singer could’ve covered both parts, lessening the need for an additional voice. Otherwise, it’s well done in regards to technique. There are mentions of persecution, and I can’t help but think that digging deeper into the grittier parts of the two characters’ relationship would’ve added contrast this piece needed. In the future, I just want more textured songs from you both, and for you two to find ways to use the challenge to put a new spin on your writing.
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Thanks for the feedback! Will definitely work on this. 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Updated my signature.
---
Seriously, though: I can definitely see your points, 8th. The second verse originally was about the mother having 2 jobs and unexpectedly getting pregnant by one of the many men that just come and go from her life, but I felt that everything was stated way too bluntly, so I opted for something more eloquent. Idk if you would've preferred the verse, but there was more story originally. I also typically don't do the story-telling format - it was new to me, so your advice on building characters in a story-telling song is welcome. I took a lot from your review, even if this is how Moonchild felt.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Jackson
That line also had a syllable too much and seemed out of place. I don’t know why there were commas in the prechorus as the song would have flowed better without them (and they’re grammatically incorrect)
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Reading the other flop reviews
hmmmmmmmm
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Updated my signature.
I took a lot from your review, even if this is how Moonchild felt.
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Sometimes things don't click until you read it from 8th's typing hands. His power
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
13. MattyTacos & TheCheetahWings
This is a traditional take on the duet format, and while that’s fine, I was hoping for something a bit more interesting, what with the access to an additional perspective. It’s a competent use of two voices, but not a memorable one.
Content-wise, I have to point out how easily one singer could’ve covered both parts, lessening the need for an additional voice. Otherwise, it’s well done in regards to technique. There are mentions of persecution, and I can’t help but think that digging deeper into the grittier parts of the two characters’ relationship would’ve added contrast this piece needed. In the future, I just want more textured songs from you both, and for you two to find ways to use the challenge to put a new spin on your writing.
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Thanks for the feedback Definitely gonna try & put new spins on my writing in the future
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
Sometimes things don't click until you read it from 8th's typing hands. His power
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Okay, but why aren't you in dubtrack? I thought you lived there.
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Thanks @ judges for the feedback and also because you make me feel a lot nicer as a person
Also let's get in Dubtrack
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