[Katy V.!]

Are you a Christian? Or atheist? If you are a Christian you can try the whole religious angle (like someone said, LGBT-friendly church) and try to talk some sense into her. I'd recommend making her watch "Bobby's Prayers" and similar movies, books, songs, etc.

If you're an atheist and unable to spin the whole Christianity thing, then you have to wait to see if she somehow understands it by herself. It'll take a looong time either way.

You should probably start to embrace the fact that she may never accept you and either the topic will no longer be discussed in a distant future or you two will not have a relationship at all.

[Cyanide]

Thank you for all of your beautiful words guys. I have been on the phone with my sister and my friend, so please give me some time to reply. I'm just reading for now.

Originally posted by fireaero

Your mom might be misunderstanding the situation, but she's trying to be supportive and caring, so you're already in a good position so far

Because of her religious background, you should just give her time and take things easy. She'll gradually change her perspective after letting it all sink in.

I agree with this. I am living in NYC now and she is at home in Delaware, so hopefully the distance helps us both.


As for why I came out over text I just didn't want to be hurt. She comes around but her initial reactions to things can be really bad and she's said a lot of hurtful things to me in the past for other things, I was just afraid something negative she could've said would stick with me and replay in my head. Maybe irrational, but texting just felt more safe

[Pop]

First of all, congratulations on breaking the ice! That took immense courage and I applaud you for being yourself and making this important step in every gay man's life.

Your mother has a long way to go. It's not going to be easy. But, now that you're out to her - you finally have a VOICE when it comes to who you are. You can stand up for yourself and speak your truth. Considering her background, it's possible that she'll never fully accept you but don't give up hope right away.

But also keep one thing in mind - there is a limit to your bond. If she can't accept you for who you are after some time and after you've explained that who you are is beautiful and that it's not going to change - then, there's nothing you can do. You will have to move on, as painful as that is. Don't let her shame you and make you feel guilty for who you are. The only one that's having a problem right now is her with her homophobia. Try to make her see the light and if she can't, that's not your fault.

Anyway, congrats again and stay strong. This was the first step towards a happy future for you. Bless!

[Planet Mars]

Originally posted by Pharaoh

I don't care if they're African, European, Australian or from Venus. I definitely understand their culture is different than the liberal west but I still think if you can't just accept your child for who he/she is and how he/she was born, and try to change them, you don't love your child. No matter your race, which shouldn't be an excuse.

It's more complicated than that but keep projecting

[Lyrical.]

Originally posted by Callisto.

Wooo

When I saw that she was Nigerian I immediately started to pray for you.

God Speed.

IKR?

My mom is Jamaican and religious and I don't think I could ever come around to telling her. You're brave for this.

You just have to live your life the way YOU want to. If she doesn't accept you now (or ever), that's okay. Ignore her ignorance and advances to try to "fix" you. Once you move out, you will be on your own and you can do whatever you want, and she won't be able to tell you anything. It's your life. Other people will accept you even if she doesn't.

[Pretty Lady]

I hate people who claim to be religious and accepting, but then turn away people they care about and pass judgement on them.

[Navyofbadgals]

Very brave of you to come out, seeing the circumstances

I think your mother cares about you, but for a person like her, it might be a big shock, and she doesn't know how to handle it.
But this is an initial reaction and I think it will change (hopefully)

[Nate]

Oh sis.... I'm sorry you've gotta go through this. I know what it's like though, my parents had/still have (to a degree) this mindset and said basically this exact thing to me after they could look at me again a few days after coming out.

It's been 2 years since I came out. They're still in denial and say that this is a choice. They still see in the future me magically coming to my senses and turning straight. But luckily also they've decided it's my sin to make and all they can do is pray for me and love me and let me face God with my own "sins" when I die, since everyone sins including them and they can't hold me to a higher standard. "We all have our own demons to carry" etc etc.

My best advice I would give is just to accept that she's doing what she thinks is right. Your mother loves you and is doing what she thinks is best. Try not to be hurt by the things she says cause it is coming from a (****ed up) place of love, along with a place of hurt and fear for you & your "soul". Also keep a certain emotionally distance from the things your mother says and you. It can be quite hard when she says things that hurt you without growing resentful of her, that I know. But be as patient as you can. It doesn't help the situation to start hating your mother because it just makes you feel worse about the circumstances.

My parents are Christian too, but I'm atheist. They don't know that however, and I don't plan on telling them. In my opinion, it'll just add more strife to my and their lives. Maybe don't push being atheist too hard right now to make it easier for you. She has to process this too and adding more to process at once will just make it harder on both of you and add more tension and more lectures about your life from her.

Most importantly though, give her time. I never thought my parents would be as chill (well... for them, compared to what they were) about it as they are right now. It's something your mother has to come to terms with. Make peace with the possibility she'll always be in denial though, that might take years for her to overcome.

Good luck sis. Don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. It'll get better, despite how it seems now. You've just gotta give it time.

[Funhouse]

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am that your mother reacted this way. Coming out is always difficult and it sucks that it had to be this way. I'm very happy to hear your sister is supportive though.

What you should do next really depends on your situation. Are you living independently or do you live at home? Do you depend on your mother/parents financially? Those things should definitely be taken into account regarding your safety and well-being. You said your sister is supportive, do you have any more support or people willing to give you backup? Do you live in an accepting environment?

Look, whatever you choose to do will take time, and you're probably not gonna find the one answer to this problem on here. You know your mother and your situation best. The only advise I can give is to do what feels best for you. Whatever you do and however things end up with your mother, please know that there are so many people, both online and off, that will support you in whatever you choose to do. I'd just lay low right now and let the dust settle for a bit. It's probably best not to do anything too impulsive right now.

Anyway, congrats on coming out and I hope things turn around for you!

[Cyanide]

Originally posted by Tsuko

You've got basically two options.

1. Pretend to be straight your whole life to make your parents happy. Marry a woman, have children, etc. (it is possible for gay men to have sex with women and impregnate them, even if you don't enjoy the sex and might have to fantasise about something else whilst you do it). This may shock you, but millions of gay men all over the world have no choice but to do this.

2. Be gay, upset your parents. In this case I'd recommend trying to move out ASAP and get a job so you're financially independent. You may lose contact with your parents, but at least you can have sex with men and fulfil your sexual desires to the fullest.

I guess there are other options as well. For example, one is that you could lie and tell your mom "You're right, I'm not really gay", and then pretend to be straight your whole life and have sex with men but in secret to make sure your parents never find out.

Another option is to try and force your mom to accept homosexuality (you could do this by calling her homophobic and outing her homophobia to all her friends to humiliate her into accepting you, or you could do something more extreme like tell her that you will commit suicide if she doesn't accept you for who you are, and that will probably work).

I wish you best. This is a very difficult situation for you, and my heart goes out to you. Your mom is a horrible, horrible, evil person, you are so unlucky to be her son. You need to think very hard about what path you will take, as it's potentially life changing. Pretending to be straight might help sustain your relationship with your family, but you will have a lifetime of misery due to never being sexually fulfilled. I guess at the end of the day the choice comes down to sex, or your family (or you could try the option of pretending to be straight but having sex and relationships with men in secret like most gay men in human history (and many current gay men in muslims countries, Russia, etc.) have had to do, that way you could potentially keep your parents happy and still have sex and relationships with men).

Good luck. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.

I want to just be happy and self-content with who i am, have a fulfilling life with a loving relationship, and help her educate herself as we move forward. And what you said at the end about my mom isn't true at all. I honestly feel more bad for you for actually thinking these are the only ways to live than I could ever feel bad for myself. You've clearly been hurt as well and I hope we can both find a way to live contently, healthily, and happily, at least partly free from the constraints of the matrix we live in.

[Adonis]

Originally posted by Fenrir

It's nice to see that she at least makes it a point to say she loves you (even if it is through a bunch of delusional posts),

I don't agree with this. The mother loves that person based on what she wants them to be and not based on who they are.

I was in a similar situation and cut my parents off until they changed.

[Aleks]

She really seems to love you, and that's the most import thing.

She's still in shock and denial over this situation, but it has only been a couple of days. She needs more time to deal with it and accept it. Might be a hard road, but she will get there.

Stay positive and best of luck to you.

[Pop]

Originally posted by Cyanide

I want to just be happy and self-content with who i am, have a fulfilling life with a loving relationship, and help her educate herself as we move forward. And what you said at the end about my mom isn't true at all. I honestly feel more bad for you for actually thinking these are the only ways to live than I could ever feel bad for myself. You've clearly been hurt as well and I hope we can both find a way to live contently, healthily, and happily, at least partly free from the constraints of the matrix we live in.

You're such a collected and well-spoken person. I have no fear that you will handle this tough situation with dignity and grace.

[A Little Unruly]

Originally posted by Bad Blood

She doesn't love you sis... No matter how close she is to you, you need to keep toxic people like her out of your life. You deserve an accepting environment and not her.

This is such a stupid, ugly comment.

Who are you to tell someone they're not loved by their parent who you know virtually nothing about. Considering her background her opinions and beliefs are perfectly understandable. She doesn't seem like a hateful person or an active homophobe at all. She probably never had to deal with homosexuality in her life, so I don't find the reaction surprising at all.

I hope she'll find a way to wrap her head around things and accept you for who you are, OP.

Originally posted by Pharaoh

"Being gay is a choice as no one was made that way" woooo. How tf would she even know? Dusty ass

And this is ********, too. Some of y'all are acting like she's a member of Westboro Baptist Church. People grow up being taught certain things and unless they get directly confronted with them, they stick to those beliefs.

[JessLM]

I don't really know what advice to give you because even though I'm gay I had it really easy coming out with my family and friends, so I don't really know what you're going through. I can only give you my support and understanding. Please stay strong.

[Vertigo Stick]

First off, congrats. Coming out is a major step forward. Be proud of yourself and your courage.

As for your mom, she's in denial and doesn't know how to process. My mom was similar, and did try to set me up with a girl after I came out. She's still not approving 6 years later, but she has improved. Time is the best healer. She needs to process, just as most of us needed time to deal with our own identities. Remember to stay firm with who you are and what you believe in!

[Scene]

Strongly encourage your mum to watch Prayers For Bobby.

Seriously, that film depicts so brilliantly how a religious mother's outdated views about her son's sexuality can have tragic consequences. I'm sure she'll love you regardless but if she thinks you pretending to be straight will give you a better life, she seriously needs to watch the film. It should give her an insight into YOUR struggle (rather than hers) without you having to directly talk about it (assuming you wouldn't want to). Plus she'd relate to the mum and maybe as the mum begins to be more understanding throughout the film, your mum might be too.

[Cyanide]

Pharoah, for someone who is in here acting so sure of themselves, why can't you understand the circumstances and realize that this is an initial reaction? Why are you saying these things when you don't care to understand the context or have empathy? You and other users posting similar things should stop posting here, please please please! I'm just looking for support and understanding, not for people who think they know everything to make judgments about my mother and myself. Bye

[anti-bitch]

Don't give up, she will understand soon enough. It would be great if you had someone to turn to right now, someone who you could tell this in real life, is there? I wish I could support you for real, but I can't be there physically. Is there any LGBT support in your hometown??

[karron0624]

Just keep pushing slowly. It is a growing process for both of you.