[feelslikeadream]

Originally posted by Citrus

I lied about sleeping

Am perched

Congrats on slaying!

[Jackson]

BATCH TWØ

Achilles. – Star of the Show
I’m not really a fan of the word “strutting” in songs, and the “face” line seemed a little forced. The “fruit” line was awkwardly phrased and the one after was clunky. Ploy is almost always a forced rhyme in lyrics. The line “he might even catch one or two” contradicts lines later in the song where you say he would never actually sleep with the women. Really the only part I was really impressed with was “out there he may be the star of the show/but I’m the galaxy he calls home”, so thank God that was the closing of the song. It just felt like there was too much going on in this song and a lot of clutter could have been cut out. There were quite a few awkward lines and rhymes as well, so make sure to watch out for those!


UFO – Subconscious Being
I didn’t really understand what was going on here until the last line of the verse, then I kinda just let out an “ooooooh” and had to reread the verse. I never like the word “rotten” in songwriting or in general because it always just sounds cringey. The “shell” line was awkwardly worded as shell would be something you hide inside rather than something being used to oppress you. The whole concept of this reminds me of the pears song “Today I Won’t Eat” in Season 6 as it has to do with two sides of one being as opposed to two separate entities. I thought you pulled this off a bit better because the voices together are almost like a third, separate, fully realized voice. I loved the hemisphere line as it relates to physical as well as mental location. The chorus is a little clunky and wordy, but the bridge is brilliant.


ausdaniel & Element – Brownstone Tears
I didn’t really know what brownstone meant before reading your song, but I think it’s kind of an odd title even if a good lyric. The alive/fight rhyme was forced, as was chest/mess in the chorus. That line also had a syllable too much and seemed out of place. I don’t know why there were commas in the prechorus as the song would have flowed better without them (and they’re grammatically incorrect). The words “rubble pile” feel clunky in an otherwise well worded verse. Usually I don’t like heavily repeated sections, but I actually really enjoyed the repetition in the bridge here and I liked how you related events and feeling to a place throughout the song. I think both of your styles mesh well together which helped the song flow seamlessly from voice to voice.


Jaxswim & CountryBritney - Sin
You absolute BITCHES. How dare you hide this talent from me? This song flowed SO smoothly, it was like soft butter on my biscuits, but even more delicious. “I’ll breathe him out/So I can breathe you into me” was genius. The only part I didn’t like from the first verse was the “astray” rhyme. The same goes for the second verse and the “harm” rhyme. “Just this once, or maybe twice/We’ll get lost in our own paradise” is such a good lyrical hook and I can really imagine a good melody behind this. I like that there’s a subtle difference between the voices, where the blue voice seems to have more regret for cheating while the red voice sees a future with the cheater. You could have been a bit more imaginative with the innuendos, but the whole song flows so well and there’s so many standout lines I hardly care.


JPOW – Intoxicated
I didn’t really like the first verse at all. The flow was a little weird and words like “nude body magnified” just felt awkward. The chorus could have been a lot stronger if worded a little differently as well. “Creating” doesn’t feel like the right word in this context. Something like “pouring” or “mixing” might have worked better. The second verse was a little better but I still didn’t like the “bliss” and “right” rhymes. The bridge was my favorite part and I can definitely feel the longing in the blue voice and the disappointment in the orange voice. I liked the outro as well apart from the “shared” line. Honestly, the biggest thing that’s holding you back right now is your awkward and forced rhymes. If you just fix the way you convey your messages your songs will be a lot stronger.


Witch_Privilege – Bleeding Hearts
This song just feels too familiar throughout. The repeated “what do you want” and “I’m trying to tell you” lines don’t really feel like they add much to the song. The “make do” line feels forced as well. The “shouldn’t have to bleed” line feels a little period-y to me and doesn’t really convey your message as strongly as it could . There weren’t any big problems in your grammar or flow, so I’d focus next week on strengthening your metaphors and trying to experiment with imagery.


ughgabriel – The Last of Us
The last line of each of the first two verses feels awkward and weakens the messages you’re trying to convey. I liked the images in my mind of the shards and the hourglass. The shame/blame rhyme is really familiar and borders on cliché. The chorus is a little plain but still carries an emotionally powerful sentiment. “When I found out” in the fourth verse reads as too conversational for song lyrics. The song should have told a more provoking story of attempting to make amends and either trying or failing, but it feels like it ends right where it started. Still, as someone that’s gone through this exact thing I could successfully put myself in the lyrics and the emotions here felt authentic.


Buyonce1814 & Ceremonials – Unholy Night
You’re definitely serving Matty in that first verse, talking about both wolves and grapes . I didn’t really understand the whole blood and wine thing, unless this was a cheating story about vampires or S&M. The prechorus was much stronger and I liked the hunting imagery, up until the fruit rhyme. The wolf’s bane line is spelled incorrectly and could be worded better. The last line of the chorus is a little too wordy and doesn’t flow extremely well. I can’t decide whether I like the bulls line in the bridge, but I’ll let it slide for now. I did enjoy the central metaphor of the song and how you managed to pull it off without it feeling overbearing or taking away from the emotion of the song.


feelslikeadream & HausOfNiko – Distant
Not Shawn Mendes and Nick Jonas . The phrase “different story” feels too conversational for song lyrics. You never really state what the monument you built represents, as I doubt Nick and Shawn built a brick house together with their own hands. I liked how playful the second part of the chorus was, and the playing with shadows theme was well executed. Overall I liked this song a lot more than your song last week (@fefe but I guess @Niko too). It felt a lot more sentimental and genuine, but I could also put myself in the story with a lot more ease. The second verse was a definite step down and much more cliché (love being a puzzle, piece by piece (buy now in iChunes)). The bridge was good but didn’t really add much to the song apart from the line “distance makes the heart grow distant” which I thought was pretty clever.


Citrus – To
I see you stealing Huga’s “To You…”/”To Me…” thing from S7! No but really that first verse was flawless. This was the first song this season that made me shed a tear and I did it in the first verse. I saw you comment about not having your talents appreciated in Season 6, but I think your skill as a writer has grown tremendously since then. The only line in the mother’s part I didn’t like was the “choked” line. The line “in a sea of awful memories, you’re an island of what I got right” is really powerful (even if the comma was unnecessary, as it was in other lines in the song). The progression throughout the song was beautiful and felt incredibly natural. I doubt the events in this song happened to you personally, but it felt like it was a page ripped right out of your diary. I was seriously crying when I read that bridge and the last chorus. The slight changes in that chorus were beautiful and the emotion was so genuine when it could have felt gimmicky. To be honest if it weren’t for that “choked” line (and maybe if the chorus was a little more substantial) this would have been an easy 10 for me.


Vulnicura – Songs of the Sparrow
OK, I know you didn’t have a lot of time to do this, but I’m still gonna drag. Orwell/oh well has to be one of the worst rhymes I’ve read this season. Witnesses/businesses feels really awkward as well. The see/see and see/mean lines felt a little lazy and could have been fleshed out better. I don’t know why but I loved the “reblog, retweet, repeat/control, alt, delete” line. Your concept was really original and intriguing, and the way you set up the voices as two different generations was admirable. I’m sure you’re aware of this but your song was basically a good idea with really lazy execution.


Ventitonic – Still Shaken
This was definitely better than last week, although that’s not saying much! I like that you scaled back on the AP English language (aka contrived and using big words for the sake of using big words). As we’ve said before, make sure to proof-read so you don’t make errors like “spital”. The “pushed out my cage” line was awkwardly worded and kind of gives me “get out me car” teas. Assuming you’re around next week I’d love to see you stay to a structure and style closer to this than your first song, but work on making it more thematically interesting. Instead of using big words to sell your song use big ideas and interesting metaphors and concepts.


keshaspearsxo – Pony
This wasn’t quite as good as Pee a Little! There was a typo in the first verse (“make” where it should be “makes”). I don’t really like the image of you moaning like a Pony, either. I’m not really sure why the second verse is in Spanish or Italian or whatever that is but I’ll let swiftie judge that I guess.


Dylobs – Purgatory
I know this is a forum full of **** but I never asked for text in twink pink did I? OK but really I shouldn’t have to squint to be able to read your entry. A lot of this felt contrived and the big language didn’t contribute much to the song. I was almost hoping this would be a lesbo anthem from the first verse but I guess the self-acceptance message is good too. The jungle/puddle rhyme was a little awkward. The entire bridge was full of forced rhymes and the last chorus was too cheesy for my liking. Next week take a step back and return to your style of last round. Don’t use words just for the sake of it and focus more on your message and storyline and less on impressing the judges.

[ceremonials]

Oh well. Guess I shoot for top 15 again

[feelslikeadream]

WAIT @ you reading "different story" as a phrase. I just meant that there is a different/unique story in EACH piece. But mostly positive review, so slay!

[Jaxswim]

You absolute BITCHES. How dare you hide this talent from me? This song flowed SO smoothly, it was like soft butter on my biscuits, but even more delicious. “I’ll breathe him out/So I can breathe you into me” was genius. The only part I didn’t like from the first verse was the “astray” rhyme. The same goes for the second verse and the “harm” rhyme. “Just this once, or maybe twice/We’ll get lost in our own paradise” is such a good lyrical hook and I can really imagine a good melody behind this. I like that there’s a subtle difference between the voices, where the blue voice seems to have more regret for cheating while the red voice sees a future with the cheater. You could have been a bit more imaginative with the innuendos, but the whole song flows so well and there’s so many standout lines I hardly care.

Omg thank you

I really think we brought out the best in each other, s/o to Tilly if you're reading this

[Achilles.]

The line “he might even catch one or two” contradicts lines later in the song where you say he would never actually sleep with the women.

The song is about a closeted gay man who fronts as a womanizer to hide his sexuality. That line is from the woman's perspective, showing that she (and others) are clueless to his gayness. The later lines are from the perspective of the male lover of the closeted man, who is the only one in this song who knows the subject is gay.

This is not rocket science.

[Tylerbv]

fff mess @ crying from song lyrics

[Citrus]

Not Jacksonville getting me emotional. Tell me my rhyming is stilted again, I can't handle this

[jpow]

I need a lesson on forced rhymes because idk what those are

[Jaxswim]

The “pushed out my cage” line was awkwardly worded and kind of gives me “get out me car” teas.

sobbing

[jpow]

Originally posted by Achilles.

The song is about a closeted gay man who fronts as a womanizer to hide his sexuality. That line is from the woman's perspective, showing that she (and others) are clueless to his gayness. The later lines are from the perspective of the male lover of the closeted man, who is the only one in this song who knows the subject is gay.

This is not rocket science.

wow at our songs being lowkey similar

[Jackson]

Originally posted by Achilles.

The song is about a closeted gay man who fronts as a womanizer to hide his sexuality. That line is from the woman's perspective, showing that she (and others) are clueless to his gayness. The later lines are from the perspective of the male lover of the closeted man, who is the only one in this song who knows the subject is gay.

This is not rocket science.

this is not critic the critiquer hour
that does make more sense now but I still don't liek that line

Originally posted by Tylerbv

fff mess @ crying from song lyrics

I can understand why you can't relate Mr. 5.5

[Dylobs]

Yei at him slaughtering me

[Temporal]

Originally posted by jpow

I need a lesson on forced rhymes because idk what those are

Perfect rhymes, rhymes that feel like you wrote the line around the rhyme and for nothing else. You shouldn't let the rhyme scheme bend your lyrics, but rather as a way to make them punch.

Anyone else want to comment?

[ceremonials]

OK I'm going to bed. Night ****s

[jpow]

I'm glad you liked the bridge though That was my favorite part of the song as well and the only part I was really proud of this week. The rest gave me so much trouble but you know when an idea for a song is so stuck in your head that you can't write anything else and so I was pretty much stuck rewriting the same lyrics like 5 times before it was finally somewhat acceptable to submit.

[jpow]

Originally posted by Temporal

Perfect rhymes, rhymes that feel like you wrote the line around the rhyme and for nothing else. You shouldn't let the rhyme scheme bend your lyrics, but rather as a way to make them punch.

Oh this is how I write songs I didn't know this was bad

I literally go to a rhyming dictionary and find a word and figure out how to use it to work with a previous line

[Jackson]

Originally posted by Citrus

Not Jacksonville getting me emotional. Tell me my rhyming is stilted again, I can't handle this

A good resolution to your daddy issues I gave you in S6

[Jaxswim]

Originally posted by jpow

Oh this is how I write songs I didn't know this was bad

I literally go to a rhyming dictionary and find a word and figure out how to use it to work with a previous line

I don't think there's an issue with this (I do it too), but more like you shouldn't grab a word just because you can. You should grab the word that will help you further your story/

[ceremonials]

Wait Jackson , what word was spelled wrong in the Wolfs bane line?