Later tonight I'll post the final challenge and the formula we're using to determine a winner. Then the thread will be posted and voting for Miss C will commence.
So sad to see Koko go, but at the same time, I feel so immensely happy about the Top 3.
They are all such brilliant and talented queens. If you asked me to say anything bad about them, I really couldn't and they all thoroughly deserve to be here. Congratulations ♡
When we first started this competition, you were one of the people I felt closest too. But as the game went on, those feelings left as you started to gravitate towards different people in the game. Not that it's a bad thing, but I didn't know what that reason was. I honestly thought it was because of this game, because the people you gravitated to are all in the similar style as you in games such as these. I was more of an outcast, doing things in a different and unique way, with some roughness around the edges as this is my first game to participate in on ATRL.
During the challenge in which you wanted to quit, changed you mind, and then didn't post in this thread for two weeks really made me mad. Because this is my first Games experience, and I didn't see like it was fair at the time to have someone with such contradictory feelings about being in this game when I've been having fun, participating, and enjoying it this whole time. This is why I chose you when asked the question about who should leave, though now I don't hold anything against you for what happened, but it was the only reasoning that made sense to me.
As the game went on, all the people I was left close to got eliminated (Smarties and Carmen to name the two closest). I really felt alone in this game after Carmen's elimination. I didn't talk to anyone during this challenge, just kept to myself and tried to get as much work in with my crazy 14+ hours a day, 7 days a week work schedule. It's not really a good feeling anymore. This challenge, as fun as it was for me to do, lost a part of joy that I had in the rest of the challenge because this thread was dead, and I was doing everything in solitude.
I get this is what happens when games like this reach their end. And after I submitted my post and saw how much you and Scarlett worked together on this challenge, I reached out to Carrie and we talked a bit since at least and Carrie made me feel a lot better.
Anyway, this post doesn't really have a point either, other than I thought going into this we would be a lot closer than this at this point in the competition Chanel. I hope we can resume being as close as we were before this game soon.
I'm currently preparing for what's likely to be inevitable, but I have one more idea/trick up my sleeve to try before the lip sync is due tomorrow.
I know we started close. I enjoyed interacting with you in the Drag Race thread; you had a unique personality to you (even through your delusional support of Katya, and you know I love her, but you did the absolute mosT whenever anyone said she could be going home; this is actually reflective of something I think in this game, but I'll get into it later) and I loved it. That's why I chose to have you on my team in the second challenge. But I'm not sure I'm making sense of the latter bit of this first paragraph; the only person I've really grown that close to is Scarlett, and though I'm happy with that, part of me wishes I'd gotten to know others better (Carmen, especially, for example); other people I'd already known, such as A. Nell, Udders & Yuri.
That challenge still has a bit of an impact on me now. I was incredibly frustrated, and my emotions were all over the place. I was proud of what I did, and I felt happy to see the other judges had seen that, and seeing TheOnlyOne's simple dismissal of it over length was infuriating. It wasn't just that things weren't going my way; it was that it seemed she was being particularly hard at the time (and I questioned it after she put me at 9 for the Lip Sync challenge, but Citrus clocked me about that already) for a reason that made some sense, but not to the extent of how hard she critiqued me. I still understand length is an issue (and I'd agree with it for, say, my Show Girls entry), but it threw me off that my score that episode was brought down because she didn't want to read 28 pages (and not even full pages of text). I don't want to continue that argument now, because I think I've settled things with her, but I'm trying to explain to you how I felt in that moment. It was incredibly frustrating, especially since I loved the game so much. I almost felt, at that time, that it was a sign it wasn't meant to be. I was a mess. Scarlett can confirm that, because I was talking to her the entire time. And I soon after I said I wanted to quit, Scarlett talked a bit more sense into me, and I realized how irrational I was being, so I changed my mind, but I knew it would seem sketchy to others that I was practically bipolar in my decisions at the time.
As for leaving for two weeks, it honestly seemed like a good decision after the mess I'd brought. I'd gotten into arguments with multiple people over multiple things, and each time, I never really meant harm overall (the closest I can say I really did was with Stans Behaving Badly, but jax. and I have been like that with each other for over a year after we competed together in Create a Label), and I didn't want to risk opening my mouth and saying something too quickly in the heat of the moment, so I thought it'd be better if I stayed silent, so I did. I still competed; I still talked to Scarlett, who was someone I knew would listen; and I still wanted to be in the game. I just didn't want to make things more difficult for myself on a personal level or bring annoyance to anyone else who was reading because that's what I figured I'd do.
To an extent, I understand why that would make you want to choose me. But it still felt like a ******** excuse, because I stayed, and I'm still here, and you know damn well about that. And the fact that I'd felt previously shafted (I don't know when! And I don't know what you said! But it happened!) by you didn't help much with my opinion on you after that, but later, and now, I regret a lot of the things I felt towards you and a lot of what I've done.
But even before Carmen's elimination, and even Smarties', it felt a lot like you and Smarties did whatever you could to count me out even when I was fighting my hardest and even when the judges would see it and say so. Smarties was a bit more guilty of that than you, I feel, but I still felt like it came from you at times. I never tried to count you out when you did something great. There may have been times where I didn't want you to do as well, but you still blew me away. I wouldn't hide that insecurity by saying "Welp Koko flopped this week!" or anything (not that that's what I think you did). But it still felt like, week after week, you'd (you and Smarties both, that is) find some way or another to show how good you (Koko) did in comparison to me as opposed to overall, and that made me resent both of you for a while. I thought, for a while, perhaps it was just you explaining your wants and letting them manifest as what you actually believed (like the way you wanted Katya to make top 3 instead of looking at the possibility that she might not). But I was never sure what was going on.
I admit, I still feel a little bit of that (especially after your latest comment in here). I wish I didn't. I don't want to. But I'm trying to move on from that. I really do want to be closer to you, and I really hope I can work to achieve that by other means (clearly, competing against you didn't help with that. ). I do admire what you do, and I admire you as a person. And I'm sorry for the trouble I've had with you. I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.