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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
how about some reviews ole chap?
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Just when I think I can't read anymore
I go faster and faster than ever before
Ohhhhh
Tonight
I'm reviewing your songs
Yeah tonight
I'm reading your songs
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cupid
Just when I think I can't read anymore
I go faster and faster than ever before
Ohhhhh
Tonight
I'm reviewing your songs
Yeah tonight
I'm reading your songs
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Slay when is batch one coming
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Are you doing hints Huga since you're a Pokemonster 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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)
Batch Three
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1. UFO - Vibrations
This entry felt similar to Cheetah’s in that this felt overly simple and lacked real depth. This plotline has been so many times before and the psychic imagery wasn’t enough to differentiate it.
- “give/negative” was sinful
- The pre-chorus was pretty clumsy
- The third eye image felt wasted since you brought it in and did nothing to build off of it.
- There were a lot of cliché’s in general: not being able to get through to someone, being unable to knock down walls, feeling so far from someone when you’re in the same bed, etc.
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2. Speezy - Under
Better than your first song, thankfully! I liked the concept, but the language was often too literal, and this could’ve used more substance overall.
- “People give their false advice” I get it, but advice is never “false”, you feel?
- “I struggle as I gasp for air” “to gasp” would’ve been better me thinks
- “streams/drowning” rhyme but have different stresses, which is just as important
- “waves/me” don’t rhyme, unless you’re doing that annoying thing where you sing “me” as “may”
- The outro was really trite with the final line
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3. Jaxswim - You’re Frozen
This is a pretty middle of the road entry. You focused more on the imagery for the plot, which the other Ice entries seemed to do, but I found your images to be a lot clumsier. “You’re Frozen” was a bit weak for the central image, the frosted rose would’ve been stronger tbh.
- “desolate” didn’t work as an adjective the way you used it
- “Don’t let Jack Frost kill me, please” siadjsg I shrieked 
- “A blustery night, hazy look in your eye” “blustery” was another poor adjective choice
- The first verse was the best, use that as a guideline for the future
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4. SaintWest - Funeral
The IMPROVEMENT. I really liked this, the imagery was simple and beautiful, I loved how you handled this. There were a few errors, but again, you’ve moved mountains after just one round.
- First verse was a slay, you did that.
- “I curse the ground for what it’s done / It’s taken my only love” “to take” instead of “it’s taken” would work better I think
- “I feel your cold approaching” Hm? Is this supposed to be like a ghost?
- “I know the Earth’s rejecting you / The pouring rain its tears / It didn’t want to be your home / After so few years” this wasn’t very clear to me, especially compared to the rest of the song
- “The moon can hear my crying” I liked the way this line played into the section, but the line itself was awkward. I think the 2nd verse would’ve been better as one stanza.
- “They tell me there’s a castle on the sun / Where your love won’t always have to run” wat? who told you this
I’m excited, keep this up!
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5. Tylerbv - Four Walls
The concept was fine, but just not particularly interesting. Mental asylum imagery by nature can’t really pull you in. For example, “I'm just walking in circles aimlessly” is a fine lyric for the piece, but in practice it’s not more interesting than the action itself.
- The pre-chorus was disposable
- The first stanza of the second verse was weak
- The narrative nature got really redundant and exhausting after a while, IE (“Never been free”)
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6. PhreshDiamond - Parasite on the Brain
PARASITE ON THE BRAIN  I see potential in this, but the biggest issue was the structuring of this. The arrangement of each line got really tiring; you should’ve found a better way to be concise instead of having to splice nearly every line with a comma. Some of the imagery was a bit mundane as well.
- “The arrogance of a wasp” I have never heard a wasp described as “arrogant” before 
- The rhyming in the chorus was really simple and corny, you should avoid rhyme structures like AAAA since they 98% of the time don’t work well and come off as trite.
- “You’re a selfish cruel snake” double adjectives are clunky!
- “I’m all give, but you take.” the last clause doesn’t sound like an issue unless you say “you’re ALL take”
- “Your attitude ****ing stinks.” this was way too direct in comparison to everything else
- “I’m gone that’s it, you don’t get a reprint.” a “reprint” is a weird image
- Overall the bridge was the weakest structure in this song.
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7. Citrus - Temporal Shade
Hoebag. No but really, this was a solid entry. The double entendre was nice. My main issue was that the timeline felt a bit confusing, repeating the part where the protagonist takes the hit made the entry feel a bit jumbled overall.
- “Your skin is brilliant in the black light “ skin is DISGUSTING on LSD, delete
- “Every whisper of yours drills a hole in my skull” this line didn’t flow like the others (a stressing issue)
- ^Similar issue with “Baby you're the trigger, watch me pull it “
- “all the other men pale” girl wtf was this
- fff at the bridge being accurate af
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8. Auburn - Burnt
Short but sweet! This was an entry that didn’t really have any glaring errors, but felt just a bit flat to score a really high score. This was good but lacked the punch of a really great song (which can probably be blamed on the simple concept).
- “was all I need for a new start” *needed
- “clean new fire immune to rain” double adjectives never work!
- The rhyming was a biT predictable, nothing was egregious, but some out of the box rhymes as opposed to “brain/rain” would’ve been appreciated
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9. Dylobs - A Backyard too many words
An improvement off of the last entry for sure. The imagery and vocabulary were MUCH better and appropriate. But honey, “Green” is not a Pokémon type, you ignorant ****.
- “Neck high pasture” and “grass blades grazing at her ear” are both the same image/do the same thing. Just choose one, preferably the latter.
- The song took way long to answer the question “why is she running?” You literally talk about her crushing the grass for a good 12 lines before we move on from that.
- “Where it blends with the blood that’s leaking out” I would’ve preferred a different word instead of “blends” (nitpick)
- The story overall moved too slow and lacked a really big conclusion or lesson (hard to explain). It just didn’t do as much as it could have or should have.
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10. Achilles. - Gay Bluebird
Another slay tbh. I loved how you played with the bluebird motif like “singing the blues” and so forth. The imagery was perfectly simple yet effective, and no egregious errors were present.
- “I've lost sight of the sun and the moon” the second “the” wasn’t needed
- “To the heavens unencumbered” “unencumbered”
- “Songbird/Word” was a weak rhyme
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11. 8thPrince - Fourth State
I’m glad you choose this concept because I’ve always found that mental state between sleep and consciousness to be really weird and different, now I have a term for it! ANYWAYS, this was pretty good, fairly inoffensive with some nice lines and images.
- “The surface of my heart is smooth like a mirror of dark glass” this line was way too long, and a mirror is never made of dark glass? Non capisco.
- “Never has my third eye been rendered blind” I liked this image
- The bridge with the repeated “you [verb] me” felt tired
- The lines for the most part were too verbose (IE, “Clear and bright kaleidoscopes of stained glass” and “I am reeling from how you've left me blind”)
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12. Legacy - The Fire is Melting
I was just… confused by this entry. The tone TOTALLY changed between each structure to where it didn’t feel like the same song. This gave me Starlord teas, which is not a good thing…
- “Push me, drag me, slap me” oh
- “It's in Beyoncé's new video, she needed it to walk in the snow” this line was literally twice as long as the others in its verse
- “You got it, you got it / Braaappp, braappp / New smash on the radio / 606, New superstar!” I don’t know how to put this any more lightly, but you’re in a lyric writing competition, and these lyrics are by no means excellent.
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13. Minho - Half-Moon
I can’t lie, this was a pretty weak entry for you. It just felt uninspired and rushed. I didn’t hate it, and for the most part it didn’t do anything egregious, but it was a pretty standard middle of the road entry for me. Not holding this against you though because I know you WERE rushed and that you're aware this entry wasn't your best!
- I THINK the first line should be “try TO keep”? You use the infinitive in the next line so I think that makes more sense. Anyways that’s a tiny nitpick.
- The chorus was weak, but I feel like you either new or expected that. The “half moon” image felt trite as well (why a half moon?)
- “You’re far away, I know / But I’ve never felt so close” cliché af
- “I run through the fallen snow” this was a pretty weak line and definitely a weird one to end a verse with
- “I know we’re getting older / My thoughts are getting colder” serving “so baby pull me closer / in the back seat of your Rover”
- “I could barely write this letter” letter? this song is a letter? what?
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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My downfall from last season's Pokemon challenge
@Temptress "all the other men pale" is like saying other people can't measure up, ya know. Alex pales next to you. Etc
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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I had to google trite
Poliwhirl nonetheless split prince of evolution
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
My downfall from last season's Pokemon challenge
@Temptress "all the other men pale" is like saying other people can't measure up, ya know. Alex pales next to you. Etc
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It still needs that "next to you" or comparison bit to make sense though; it's still a bit jarring to leave it at the end of a line like that
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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um I'd have taken a better review to forfeit t the weezing sprite
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ugh shiny Reuiniclus is so pretty, let me hunt tbh
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I never said I submitted quality, I just saw an opening to make fun of you and I took it
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Idk what my pokemon is but it looks weak so 
I felt better about this Pokemon one that my messy Ground themed one last season but maybe I shouldn't have
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
Idk what my pokemon is but it looks weak so
I felt better about this Pokemon one that my messy Ground themed one last season but maybe I shouldn't have |
Houndoom, a personal fave 
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tylerbv
Idk what my pokemon is but it looks weak so
I felt better about this Pokemon one that my messy Ground themed one last season but maybe I shouldn't have |
your a shiny 2nd stage so thats good! better than the last, mine and first and second entries of batch 3
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
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ff it's cute i guess
Quote:
Originally posted by PhreshDiamond
your a shiny 2nd stage so thats good! better than the last, mine and first and second entries of batch 3
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well at least i'm not a weedle
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Quote:
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- “Your attitude ****ing stinks.” this was way too direct in comparison to everything else
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I was serving plot, I had enough of this **** 
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I’m all give, but you take.” the last clause doesn’t sound like an issue unless you say “you’re ALL take”
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I don't understand are you saying it should be "you're all take"
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The rhyming in the chorus was really simple and corny, you should avoid rhyme structures like AAAA since they 98% of the time don’t work well and come off as trite.
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Ok noted, I thought heavy rhyming helps in a chorus 
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“You’re a selfish cruel snake” double adjectives are clunky!
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noted as well
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Legendaries are Tummytuck's Top 7 btw
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