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Tournament: AHSC | R2 - The Question Challenge
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Rider's Comments
Britney: Chase seems like this big, complex character and I love that, it has the potential to be among the greatest characters of the show, and that's only from the little sneak peek you gave us. The pharagraph was beautifully written but I also wanted a bit more of a punch in it, something to keep you on the edge. The theme of your season is pretty interesting, what I would love is that it won't be too much SF, the aliens could take human form and all that, but that's just my take on it.
genetic_fail: I don't know though, it doesn't really feel like a teaser for a whole season, it seems like a teaser for the first episode, it even seems like just the opening 5 minutes, where there is no main character involved. The graphics looks good, but I wanted something more from the writing. The intrigue is good although a bit cliche, but for a teaser it gives away a bit too much, and it doesn't really feel like a teaser anymore.
Bloomers: Really nice introduction, I loved this. It had a really nice description of the place where everything will happen and with the last line it had the punch a teaser needs. The use of the word nothing is perfectly used here and it's keeping you wanting more. What does nothing mean? What are the limits? Really good entry.
Navy: Eh, it is a bit all over the place. The opening, with the picture and with the realisation that the picture is in the same laboratory is nice, but Helena seems all over the place. You say she almost faints and after that she thinks about killing herself and then she changes her ming because she wants to kill these whistle-blowers first. It's a bad image, the one that it's showing us the fact that she wanted to kill herself first and then changed her mind to do justice. It's pretty contradictory. A person that has in mind suicide doesn't just turn around in a couple of seconds thinking about killing the whistle-blowers with her own bare hands
Noah: The ending note, no matter what you think you see it's really creepy and effective, so I love that. I love the format of your writing, I read it like a letter. But there are some plot holes. Why would the girl randomly go in the woods to live with this woman Ingrid? This is what I don't get. This would make for a good season, for a creepy one, but focus more on the details and be sure they fit and they make sense.
OreGuy: Yeah I don't have any kind of imagery over this teaser, it's like this monotonous, philosophic monologue over life, and it has nothing of the horror element in it. I don't even know if it's talking about a road anymore. It just seems like this metaphor for life itself and for its bumps and stuff. So where is the horror and where is the intrigue and the most important, where is the imagery?
Prismatic: Woah, a lot of informations and intrigue. It's a good teaser, it's definitely keeping you wanting more, there are a lot of take in from this teaser and it's definitely an interesting premise for the season. It was a good entry.
Icarus: LOVED IT. Nothing else to say. I forgot I was reading an entry for a game, it was that intense. I love the twist in the end.
Girlicious: Injustice is such a vague word for a season, but I liked the teaser. It wasn't the best entry this week but neither the worst.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/28/2011
Posts: 39,615
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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CHANEL send me yours directly babe.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Yeah I sent them to the judges after you submitted. You should be in Urbans comments tho
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Yeah I sent them to the judges after you submitted. You should be in Urbans comments tho
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You didn't send me anything fatty.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Mess! I'll send CHANELs to judges rn
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Mess! I'll send CHANELs to judges rn
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And change that headline fat!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Urban's Comments
Quote:
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Originally posted by URBAN
Quote:
Britney:
This is well written and descriptive, but I had to read it several times in order to grasp my mind around your overall concept. It’s there, but I felt like I was reading a character description and not the setting for your season. I want to know where this war is taking place (Florida, Rhode Island, Texas), what year, etc. I have no doubt in my mind that you can deliver that, as this piece alone is already full of details. I want to point out a line that specifically stood out and made me want more:
“When your life is on the line, you will believe anything and do whatever it takes to survive.”
This right here is genius! Even ending the paragraph with that line would’ve been perfect. I’m definitely looking forward to the development of your season.
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Genetic:
Great concept and execution, but you confused me towards the end. You mentioned the character had the urge to kill the other miners, but I think you meant archeologists. Other than that, it was a solid entry. It reminded me a bit of “The Mummy”, when Imhotep came back from the dead. I love how you stuck to the theme and submitted your entry AHS style using the shows graphic elements ! I’m looking forward to the development of your season.
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Navy:
Great use of language! I can picture everything you described, from the man on the floor, to Helena throwing the vase. I wish you gave us some background on this company and the whistle-blowers. Not too much, but maybe a sentence describing how they relate to each other. As far as the challenge goes, you delivered!
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Noah:
Giving me “The Cabin in The Woods” teas.
My cousin’s name is Ingrid, so I kept picturing her while reading this  .
But back to your season, I think it’s very well written. You gave me the 3 things I was looking for, and although your hook wasn’t as strong as some of the others, you still got my attention with your use of imagery.
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OreGuy:
You did a great job getting my attention. I’m onboard for the ride, but my only concern is that it might be a short lived one. I want to know where this road is located, how long it’s been around, and its relationship to the characters. Other than the fact that it’s possibly haunted, I didn’t get much of anything else. Like I mentioned, you have my attention, you just got to prove to me that you can make this season a hit.
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Prismatic:
Great use of imagery, the language is so descriptive that it felt like I was Scarlet. I love the references your character made to the murder she witnessed and the mysterious character Merlina. It's only a teaser and you already gave me a glimpse of potential future episodes, and you got me intrigued in this mysterious character. I want to know who she is, and what her role is this season; I commend you for that! This is a solid beginning to what I believe will be one of the seasons to watch for. 
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Girlicious:
This is such a great beginning, but I wasn’t fully satisfied. 
I know teasers are suppose to be short, but in this case a taste of what’s to come this season would’ve been the icing on the cake. I feel like if you had elaborated on the accident, or gave us a taste of your characters “gift”, this teaser would’ve been everything. I like that you wrote this in the form of a letter, it gives me “mad man writing in his diary” teas. Come harder next challenge, this isn’t bad, but I’m sure you can do a lot better!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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After reading and commenting on all of these entries, I can tell you guys put a lot of thought into your writing process.
All that time and effort should be compensated, therefore, the winner of this season will win an iTunes album of their choice. Courtesy of me.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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^ yass
Okay once I get CHANELs comments and scores back I'm gonna do results!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 12/2/2010
Posts: 17,916
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
^ yass
Okay once I get CHANELs comments and scores back I'm gonna do results!
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I'm going to send you CHANEL's comments in a bit so you can add it to my section.
Also, you should PM everyone who's still in, that comments have been posted and that a prize is up for grabs. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 712
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Thank you guys for your comments, I'm glad you all liked it! 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 150
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Thanks for the nice comments guys! Excited to write the next part! 
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
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Truly my ANTI era with Riders comments 
Thanks Urban 
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
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Icarus slaying tho
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Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 19,122
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Wew slaying the game with my teaser! It's all downhill from here 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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There is definitely a clear candidate for #1 this round. He's gotten two 10s and a 9.5 
My comments + results will come when I get off work at 11c.
That means the next round will also start today. Good luck!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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CHANEL, is it okay if I just PM you your comments?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/28/2011
Posts: 39,615
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Sure 
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