and oh yall might wanna read this:
FILIPINO ACTRESS WINS 14 INTERNATIONAL ACTING AWARDS
CAUSING A MAD RUSH FOR NATIONAL ARTIST HONORS
(Castaic Lake , California) - Filipino Superstar Kris Aquino won fourteen international acting awards for “Sisterakas” at the 1st Castaic Lake International Festival of Independent Film & Video held this week in Castaic Lake, California.
Ms. Aquino beat out other international favorites such as Naomi Watts for “The Impossible,” Jessica Chastain for “Zero Dark Thirty,” Marion Cotillard for “Rust and Bone,” Emmanuel Riva for “Amour,” Jennifer Lawrence for “Silver Linings Playbook,” Ziyi Zhang for “Dangerous Liaisons” and Nora Aunor for “Thy Womb.”
Ms. Aquino won the Audience Award Best Actress Honors; the Jury Award Best Actress Trophy; the Chairman of the Board Best Actress Par Excellance; the International Critics Choice Best Actress of the Year; the Biscocho d’Oro Critics Prize; and the Festival Best Actress Award. Six Best Actress Awards in one swoop!
Because the judges did not know whether Ms. Aquino’s role should be considered in the lead or supporting category, they also decided to give the Best Supporting Actress awards for all the above-mentioned prizes to Ms. Aquino, giving the actress an additional six international acting awards, for a total of twelve international acting awards in this festival alone.
Some of the glowing reviews are as follows:
“She is an acting goddess. Her enormous talents can bring about world peace. It is the stuff of miracles.”
- Sheila McLaren, an American critic!
“Her eyes say it all. Acting is all about the eyes. She should make an entire two-hour movie with shots of her eyes alone because nothing else in the world matters.”
- Peter Larsen , British!
“Brando, Davis, Hepburn and Bogart should crawl out of their graves and take one last acting lesson from Ms. Kris Aquino – undoubtedly, the greatest actress of all time.”
- Bradleau LaFornieu, French!
“I actually didn’t like her over-acting, masyadong mannered at luma na ang dating. Pero yung foreigners nagustuhan siya, so I’m sure I’m wrong and they’re right. Kahit na nga ba iilang foreigners lang yung nag-decide sa awards, foreigners pa rin yun no! And they know better! Critics pa.”
- Lulu Katigbak, Pilipino lang
Named Festival Best Actor and Festival Best Supporting Actor was also Kris Aquino after some completely confused jury members mistook Ms. Aquino for a gay man and put her name in the wrong category, giving Ms. Aquino her 13th and 14th international acting awards for “Sisterakas.”
This latest news on Ms. Aquino mobilized local and international fans to nominate her for the highly coveted National Artist Award. One fan club even started a foundation called “Mamera Para Kay Kristeta” in order to collect funds for her nomination campaign.
Backlash from Noranians
Fans of actress Nora Aunor who were in attendance during the awards night were miffed at all the awards reaped by Ms. Aquino.
“Kris now has 14 international acting awards. That makes Kris Aquino the greatest Filipino actress of all time, at least today. We are not going to take this sitting down,” says Teofilo Karandang, a retired 2nd assistant production designer. “We are going to form our own International Film Festival so we can give more awards to the one and only superstar of Philippine Cinema, Ms. Nora Aunor!”
Indeed, Teofilo Karandang and the other three surviving members of the Solid Forever Nora Aunor Fans Club California Chapter International have formed the International California Independent Cinema International Film Festival of Classic International Film Cinemas wherein they gather at Mr. Karandang’s living room every month and watch old Nora Aunor films from the 1970s, and after each screening, they give Nora Aunor that month’s ICICIFFCIFC International Best Actress Award.
“Nora Aunor already has 8 international best actress awards. And at our first monthly ICICIFFCIFC awards held this morning, we gave the superstar her 9th International Best Actress Award. In just six months, thanks to our ICICIFFCIFC INTERNATIONAL film festival, Ms. Nora Aunor will add six more International Best Actress Awards to her collection, giving her a total of 15 International Best Actress Awards, making her once again the greatest Filipino actress in the history of all time. This is my life goal. My purpose. My entire reason for living,” said the very passionate Vice President of the Solid Forever Nora Aunor Fans Club California Chapter International and co-founding member of ICICIFFCIFC, Lucretia Tandangsora, a former production assistant for Tawag Ng Tanghalan, the TV show that launched Nora Aunor to superstardom.
“We intend to keep having the ICICIFFCFIC INTERNATIONAL film festival every month for the next fifty years so that by then, Nora Aunor will add an unbeatable 600 International Best Actress awards to her record, making her the absolutely indisputably record-breaking greatest actress in the history of local and international film cinema and the world!” blurted the very combative and exuberant 72-year old Carmenita Dimaculangan, who apparently intends to live till she’s 122.
Challenged about the validity of their award-giving body, err, their INTERNATIONAL award-giving body, Ms. Dimaculangan got visibly angry, grabbed at her heart and died.
At Ms. Dimaculangan’s funeral service at the Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow church, a Nora Aunor classic film played on a 42-inch plasma screen above the casket at the altar.
“I wish that Nita’s death will bring a spotlight to our International Film Festival,” says Teofilo Karandang. “First movie pa lang ni Nora na napanood namin, yung “Cinderella A-Go-Go”, we decided na dapat na siyang gawing National Artist. And because of our International Film Festival and the hundreds of International Best Actress awards we’re going to give Nora Aunor every month, she will for sure become a National Artist, or maybe even a Saint. I mean, why not, di ba? Lord is good and He’s a Noranian,” the increasingly unhinged Mr. Karandang added.
After the service is over, Mr. Teofilo Karandang, a Noranian since the late 1960s, whose devotion to his idol comes close to religiosity, bowed his head and kneeled in front of the altar -- not clear if the gesture was meant for the giant cross towering above him or if it was directed instead at the dramatic image of his idol spouting “walang himala!” on the TV screen blaring below the crucifix.
you know 
