omg i just found there is a thread for crushes. lemme start. it's gonna be a loooong one tho.
so i have this crush/relationship/friendzone/fbuddyish thing with this guy for exactly a year now.
we met back in march 2015 talked casually for a month. he said he has a open relationship with this other guy and that they are dating for 2 years but things started to feel different and they decided to change the status to open relation etc. and since i was not thinkin anything serious with him i didn't care at all. btw he lives like literally 2 mins walk away from me so its like a "hey come over whenever u want" situation. his birthday is april 28 and his so called boyfriend ditched him for some other boy that day leavin him waitin for 2 hours for his birthday party. he is texting me at the time and sayin i cant believe i just got ditched how dare he etc and i said why dont u just leave anyway? you see how he not cares about you at all why are you even botherin ? he said i still love him no matter what. it's been 2 years and i'm so used to him blah blah some other stuff. anyways whenever his boyfriend makes him sad or angry he is talkin me through it to relax. kinda friendzoneing. but our minds work so alike and he likes every idea im suggestion he is not stop talkin.
so around the time got's season 5s first 4 episodes leak and like episode 5 aired he invited me his home (rememberin this because when i go see him he was watchin the leaked episodes) so then i decided to go but found that his boyfriends is also with him at the home. btw he hinted some sexual intentions while invitin me so i did not expect his bf to be there. he said don't mind him blah blah. we kinda made out but it was awkward as **** since his actual bf was in the house as well. but we come at the same time which was amazing. after that day i kinda started to have a crush on him. see i always liked him too much to begin with and now plus the sex is amazing so i just can't stop thinkin about him.
2-3 weeks forwards he goes to england and texting me from there i traveled to see my sister because i broke up with him after learnin he cheated on me for like 20-30 boys for a year etc. he is crying his eyes out, having attacks, goes into depression. he came back 10 days later said he wanted to cook for me and invited me.and ofc i did went to see him. i was aware that he was hurt he was using me or the sex to keep his brain busy.
we hanged out like this for 3 months and in time we started to care deeply for each other. i basically lived in his house for months. go to my home only bring new clothes since i said our homes are so close to each other. but even 3 months later he was still crying over him time to time. says he wants to kill him, move out of the city, move out of the country, kill himself, erase his memory etc guy basically havin all kinds of psychologic situations at the same time. during one of his crying sessions he says to me he has this some sort of dual personality disorder which explains a lot cause he was changin moods so unexpectedly sometimes that i was not able to follow his behaviour. one second he was acting that he forgot about him completely another second he was crying for him. basically he was fcked up and he is still is.
and around the time i met him i was also talkin with his other guy and since our hangin around and makin out situations started like 2 months after i met him i kept talkin with this other guy too. i even talk about other guy to him time to time. cause since i knew his last relationships he was askin who i did date or talked lately etc. and this other guy goes to same school he graduated as well but they do not know each other. im gonna start calling other guy, guy B and to my crush guy A from now on btw. guy b found a job from another city for the summer and went to working. we talked whole summer that once he was back we were gonna meet and hang out. at the same time i was hanging out with guyA for 2-3 months as i said. i even posted some pictures to instagram and facebook with him. so one day guyA tells me that guy b liked his picture on instagram. i was like wtf how does he even know your profile he said he probably found through my profile. i didnt care that much. then it turns out guy b starts to text guy a. guy a tells me about it and i go full lunatic jealous lover on him yelling him how can you even talk to him don't you know i'm talking with him for months. we got into this fight and he says he can grab him from me if he wants to and with anger i said wanna bet ? he said yes. in 2 weeks they added each other on social media, guy b started to call guy a to hear his voice. he even called in sick to come back to town to stay at his place for one day and he went back. btw i have no idea these are happening after we fight we did not meet nor talk at all. 2 weeks or so later he texts me and says i didnt want you to hear from someone else that we are seeing each other and these happened etc etc. and i dont know how to process my feelings. feelin like whole world collapsed wanna cry for months but manages to hold back cause thinking that hey are not worht it. all my friends thought that i was upset because guy b. since we did not get to meet and hang out and i waited for him but i did not give a single damn about him or what he did tbh. but what guy a did crashed me to pieces. after literally living together 3 months and all those crying and bounding and stuff i really cared for him i can even say i loved him. ok maybe i still do.
anyways after he texted me that and it was like 10 september we did not talk a single word until new years eve. we deleted each other from every social media i even deleted his phone number. and he moved 15 km away during that which was a relieve because chances of we were gonna run into each other was high which we actually did one time in town center and they were together waiting at a busstop holding onto each other kinda hugging. the moment i saw them and realized it was them i started to ran away as fast as i could and started crying.
at new years eve i log into hornet (grindr is blocked in our country so hornet is the thing) and seein his profile right next to me means that he is back home to see his mother. even seeing his thumbnail made me wanna cry and exactly right after that he wrote to me from app said "hey my love heart-faced-smiley" so ofc im goin crazy how dare you call me that how two faced you can be. get over yourself dont even talk to me ever again. going full rant over him. he is firing back but from his spelling i can tell he is drunk. so we stop texting.
2 weeks later we are at this club for one of my best girlfiends birthday. club is super close to his job but i didnt even think that he could be there. 30 mins in we are dancing and someone touches my shoulder im thinkin someone dancing just bumped to me turning back to say its okay but seeing his face in front of me he is smiling as big as possible at the same time he is waving. im like is he for real ? is he really smiling at waving at me like im one of his best friends? turning back into my friends without waving back. btw my friends hate him so much for what he has done. they all give bitchy faces to him to make him realize he is not welcomed at all. he managed to ruined my night after that moment tho i lost all my interest of the night.
so back in 1 feb 2016 i encouraged myself to write him and did. said why the hell did you wave at me like we are still in contact etc. said whatever i have in my mind for months. and he answered like really gently which was suprising so i kept asking and swearing. at one point i realized we texted 3 hours straight without stopping and also realized i missed the feeling of connecting with him but didnt tell him that ofc. after swearin to him so much and gettin some of the answers i was wondering for months my anger kinda softened towards him. i was plannin to talkin for just that day and never ever but since feb 1 we still talking. and there are even some flirting hints hidden in the messages. some tansion is going on for sure.
and few days ago we met for the first time. except for that running into at club ofc. it was me who offered to meeting btw. i thought im ready to see him again. why not ? when we met he said he thought i was gonna ditch him suprised when i showed up. i said tell me about it lol. dont think this is easy for me. so we sit and talked all those drama and stuff. he is still exactly the same guy. nothings changed. he is still so not trustable but im like so willing to believe him inside. there is this feeling inside my head telling me that everyhing he does or say is true and right. i think my brain thinks he is a god. cant shake the feeling.
and btw during the time we didnt talk i hooked up with other guys but none of them felt real because i was still hurt cause of what he did. didn't give myself any permission to feel anything to anyone else.
point for this longest essay is that after all the ******** and suffer he made me live i realized i still care for him and i might be even loving him. we are gonna meet again some time soon and we are joking about how we love each other and there is no one else to love etc but then his dual personality thing kicks in and he says he also loves this other guy he is beautiful etc. as i said nothings changed but im like unable to stop myself towards him. its gonna be another hurtful process for me i think if i cant stop myself. but like i literally unable to like any other guy atm. going through hornet all the way down like all im seeing is a big nope. none of them attracts me even 20 percent of he can.
idk if anyone of you will read this but even writing this down felt good. im thinking way too much about it going through everything over and over and this is relaxing to me. but if any of you did read what would you suggest ?