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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Just like in this competition, you are a BOTTOM
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You were on top of me
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Why does everyone forget I wrote Dear God the same week conatus did Get To Heaven  |
Because Silver outpeaked it 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
I'm bald
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try rogaine
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I finished and I'm formatting now, I'll post when my Best of gets to 70 posts xoxoxo
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
I finished and I'm formatting now, I'll post when my Best of gets to 70 posts xoxoxo
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Poor everyone I guess.
I'm going to bed!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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fff there's nobody here 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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mess i guess i'm batch 4 this time, this wait for a review or 2 is gonna be so hard 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 1,808
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Huga's review was ruthless, but I'm still expecting a good score, and I'm hoping to be the dark horse here 
Also @Huga I know CHIKORITA is not a water type, and I hated putting my fave under the wrong type, but there's literally no water type pokemon emojis 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Oh at his reviews being sat prettily in my inbox
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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)
Batch One
Quote:
1. Beatinglikeadrum - Dancing in Flames
First comment: the way your structure this entry was really weird. Usually that’s not an issue but the periods and slashes at the end of each line were distracting and unecessary. Won’t count against you, but consider that if you’re here next week. Otherwise, this was better than last week, but often too banal and clunky.
- “I'm on top of the Sun. It's burning me down./ My skin is dust./“ Your lyrics need to flow, these read like Powerpoint bullet points.
- “There is a dance beat played in this club to the rhythm of my broken heart.” This is clunky, send your songs to mentors or other contestants; they should be able to pick these kinds of issues up.
- “The noise of club 's making me flash.” “clubs” needs the article “the”, IE “The noise of the club is making me flash”
- “He fires atomic bomb hidden inside” “atomic bomb” needs an article or it needs to be pluralized.
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2. OreGuy - Pray Tonight
Conceptually this was fine I suppose, but I didn’t get what was happening. I wanted to know what the sins were and why he was praying, because it was way too ambiguous and focused too much on the process of avoiding the sin, which wasn’t that interesting. There were also some labored moments where the language barrier was apparent.
- “Every touch turns him so good” this lyric was weird
- “It's just minute taken tonight” what
- “As I move my hands to thee” This is not 16th century Elizabethan England!
- The bridge was awkward and clumsy.
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3. Kunst - Swimming Pool
I liked the concept a lot, it was clever and original, which we don’t see a lot of anymore since PH has produced well over 1,000 songs! My biggest issue was that the style hindered the narrative; while it was somewhat poetic, it made the song a bit too choppy to understand everything clearly without your explanation.
- “with a new wrong lover.” double adjective here was gawky
- “pieces/promises” doesn’t rhyme
- Some of the other adjectives could be seen as trite like “blue summer” and “drunk moon” but I didn’t mind them for the most part
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4. Glassmouth - Burning Hills
A few issues: still clunky/odd moments because of the language barrier, rhyme scheme was hard to pick up if it was there at all, and that exacerbated some of the more commonplace lyrics.
- “Eyes wonder until you claim to be an other you” did you mean “wander”?
- “Not realizing how you turned a fool yourself” I think this line needed an “into” either after “turned” or before “yourself” depending on what you were going for.
- The chorus was REALLY weak, you should’ve swapped it with the pre-chorus
- “The breadcrumbs fall til your find your own clue / and before everything's done you act as I don't feel “ example of banal lyricism
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5. Corsola - Crystal Chronicles
Definitely an improvement off of last week, but now we need to work on watering down your lyrics a biT. The vocabulary and imagery is appreciated, but it felt a bit overdone in a number of places where it bogged down the lyrics. Also, while the plot was cute, a double meaning or entendree would’ve elevated with to the next level.
- “But her glacial aura will be known by all” when you posted this in the thread I was ready to drag but you actually made this work, sleigh
- “Striking to silence the shrieks of terror” this might work better with “to” and “silence” swapped around
- “In command is a barbaric tyrant” not lyrical and too straightforward
- “Crystals glisten on a moonlit tree / A lusty mage lies beneath “ Not sure what the tree has to do with the rest of the song - let alone a crystal one - and “lusty” was a weird adjective to use
You really applied the criticisms for last week, which is awesome. Serve us some CountryBritney tea!
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6. RihsusChrist(ATG)
Well, this was certainly original, but Miguel did it better I agree with Huga, the half coffee/half shower imagery was really conflicting and only made me think of watery coffee 
- “Thinking of you getting off...work” fff I shrieked
- The ellipses you used were distracting
- “Flow hitting that hard body / At maximum power” this was corny
- The chorus was kinda cute, I liked the flow of it
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7. Jackson - For the Gods
Wow, who would’ve though you’d be the one to serve TALENT this round? I usually don’t buy it when people hype their songs, but your hype was justified, you definitely outdid your song last week. You did the whole “closeted gay” song without making it feel like the PH songs we’ve read 400 times; the subtlety and versatility of interpretation was great.
- The chorus, especially the final couplet, was flawless. You did that.
- The inclusion of “onyx” was maybe a bit impractical? I’m nitpicking out of my ass here
I agree with your score assessment, btw
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8. Ceremonials - Endless Night
I don’t know how, but BOTH times I read this I thought the mom had cancer until I got to the final stanza I would’ve lashed you for that because that would’ve been too PH basic, and even though abuse songs are also a bit overdone in PH, this one was handled really well, since the last stanza is just
- The chorus rhymes were waaaay too easy.
- “watching me and him play “ Fefe just had a heart attack
- “But she seemed so calm when the reaper stood before her “ the PUNCH of this line, LORD
Keep stepping on these bitches necks king!
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9. jpow - Blackout / Disconnected
This was a good entry overall, but I think that some of the imagery didn’t make sense (overexposure) and some of the rhymes were no-nos (“dim/grim”, “landed/stranded” and “bed/dread”).
- “When you think I’m sleeping to your left in bed / Your misleading ways have me left in dread“ The tense here was really weird, not sure how to describe it technically, but something is up
- “You’ve lead yourself to overexposure“ this line is redundant coming right off of the chorus which mentions the same exact thing
- “Instead of what we both got / Thinking you deserved more” These two lines don’t work together, the first line sounds like it’s going to introduce something, but you don’t.
- “The static love in every thought / Left you now with just scars” this was a bit trite
This was fine, but I know you can do better!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Not these Pokemon hints again 
Let me go look at last season to remember how we figured these out.
BTW the lines "When you think I’m sleeping to your left in bed / Your misleading ways have me left in dread" were very controversial when I sent them to people because some people thought they were awkward like the you and Hug thought, but I tried to repeat the phrasing "left in ____" and I thought it was clever and so did a couple of other people I sent my song too so I kept it
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Jackson, king
Ceremonials, still stepping on necks
I'm shook
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kunst
Huga's review was ruthless, but I'm still expecting a good score, and I'm hoping to be the dark horse here
Also @Huga I know CHIKORITA is not a water type, and I hated putting my fave under the wrong type, but there's literally no water type pokemon emojis |
Shade Psyduck DOWN
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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omg temporal I love the inclusion of the pokemon models
You better pick a slayful one for me
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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I forgot to mention this in my reviews but please y'all, label the song structures.
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