Throwback Jlo teas
This song is my favourite of Cheryl’s relatively repetitive offerings as a solo star, largely because she doesn’t sound anything like herself. Written by Lana Del Rey, Cheryl’s voice also seems to have dropped an octave, taken on those woozy tones of Lana where the last word of each sentence warbles on awkwardly long, lyrics reference a bizarre childhood spent hanging out in petrol garages, and finally the familiar speaky-over bit as existent on every track in ‘Born to Die.’
It it therefore unsurprising that I have taken this opportunity to tell you the vast similarities on this track between Cheryl and…JENNIFER LOPEZ. Yeah, bear with me her. It’s tenuous.
Point 1) Flashdance, as reminiscent of J-Lo’s “I’m Glad”, is the classy way for popstars with breasts perkier than a springer spaniel at meal time to cover their flesh in water. Referencing Flashdance and making nudity just a silhouette, is a lovely loophole. It’s homage not whorage, darling
Point 2) Sure she might now be possessed by the haunted eyes of a hipster songstress, but we’d recognise that hair like silken curly-wurlys and a costume of a slightly risque ghost anywhere
Point 3) Whether it’s Cheryl Cole claiming to be a ghetto baby or J-Lo claiming she’s still grounded – it just doesn’t quite ring true does it? Let’s be honest, you maybe once had a bit of a rough upbringing but J-Lo now probably thinks Bronx is the latest Beckham baby name, and Cheryl thinks shes ghetto because every now and again she still eats wotsits backstage. To the rest of the impoverished world who tape up their shoes with duct tape to stop the rain getting in, you’re annoying and basically just showing off about how rich you are now. We don’t believe you, so stop it.
Point 5) Cheryl sadly didn’t learn the lesson about including your current flame in your videos, but one imagines the ennifer in bennifer slightly regrets using her video for ‘Jenny from the Block’ to parade Ben Affleck on a lead (showing once and for all who exactly had the rocks in the relationship). Cheryl, don’t make this regretto baby, but you can’t do dance moves like the one below and expect me not to remind you of that when it all goes **** up.