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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
diamond and hit and is and over
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 where is the one from last season
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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its almost 3:30am
if this ends with my elimination then welp.
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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I hope I can pull through with a top 10.
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Sis I just hope I'm not eliminated
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Can we just get the challenge and then results later @ this pt
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Me when the Top 10 isn't just my friends
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Can we just get the challenge and then results later @ this pt
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honestly this
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I think Citrus has a good idea tbh
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Me when the Top 10 isn't just my friends
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true
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Me when the Top 10 isn't who sent me nudes
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Pears Batch #3
If you're a Halsey fan let me know so I can give you bonus points
ceremonials - No Sun on the Horizon:
This was such a nice, smooth read for me. Each line worked really effortlessly, the meter and the rhymes were great, and it was all in all a pleasurable read! The gimmick surprisingly worked, and I think that was in part due to the length restrictions. If this were longer, it'd reach a point where it became more of a restriction, I think, but here it worked just fine (so, if you're gonna make this into a 'full' song I'd say change it up in the chorus, and keep the "I've..." parts as the verses).
Jaxswim - Hit Me Up:
That pre chorus bopped a bit until you changed the meter in the second half (omg don't do that plz). I would try to emulate that in the future and pay attention to what you did there because it's a little messier in other parts of your entry and that felt like a highlight to me. Lyrically it's not blowing me away but I think you were going for a kind of pop vibe and I did get that. The verses worked better than the chorus lyrically, for reference, the chorus was a little banal.
Legacy - Tommy:
Some of the lines here were much too direct for my liking. Things like "i'm drowning on alcohol" really take you out of the atmosphere because it's so in your face, try to be more subtle in the future if you're going to refer to things like this, perhaps try it metaphorically to avoid this. The story was slightly hard to follow, too, I felt like I missed something or some more context was needed.
8thPrince - Fifty-One:
Parts of this were really enjoyable - the idea of planes disappearing above you, the crows following, the white noise surrounding etc. were so original and distinctive. Although amongst smash lines like that I think there were more average ones like the door line which kind of dumbed everything down for me a little (and kind of didn't make sense).
Achilles. - Dead In the Eyes:
I thought you started off really strongly with the opening lines, but the rest was a bit random. If you focused more on the eye theme, I would've been totally slayed I think - the first half of the first verse for example had me READY to be destroyed, but then you kinda lost me when it was swapped for the river, bells, and whatnot. You got me back a bit at the bridge, but whew I felt like this deserved to be so much better. Also the suicide mention was really awkward and jarring.
BODERLINE - Passing Notes:
YOU SLAYED ME WITH THOSE FIRST TWO LINES  Now that was perfect but you lost it elsewhere. Like, that meter was perfect and then you completely lost it which is weird. Especially since you then fixed the meter in the chorus  what? Overall though I do like this but please be a little more careful with that meter.
DripDrip - Please Respect Me:
This felt very honest, almost kind of like a diary entry, which is a nice aspect. Some lines really packed a punch but the main thing which was a bit messy was the meter and structure, the rhythm in some lines were messy and it was as though they should've started or ended at different instances because they were long winded. Though, lyrically you delivered quite well for an early round so I think should you iron out these issues you'll be in a fantastic position.
minho - Prism:
I tried but I really couldn't find the rhythm here for the most part. In the start of the rap the meter was more strong, but then you lost it. It's kind of the same throughout the song, there are some lines which work well but then it will be broken by an awkward one, so it feels a little disjointed in that aspect. I don't really know what was going on in the second part of the rap meter wise either, at all. Lyrically "my hands move forward but..." was a nice section but I wasn't feel the chorus at all. The rap part was alright but the meter just tore it apart for me.
TheCheetahwings - Saving Grace:
I can't get a grasp of what the story is here at all. Obviously some kind of relationship but I have no clue what the situation they're in is. It totally could've used more backstory or context to understand what was going on for me. And I remember this kinda being the case with you last season too .
OreGuy - Still Love:
I don't know what this is, if it's just me or what but some of this doesn't make sense. "I might get sick / was so caught on the trick" , "I've been away for later or more" , "Their sounds are scary / I'm standing with this " , "I'll show you our pain / It'll remind you to stay" ? huh? The story is hard to follow because of this and it kinda falls apart 
Dylobs - The Ambitious Rose Petal:
The verses are a bit long winded, but the second one especially is quite lyrically strong so it's whatever. I love the bridge, and the chorus is nice too. Your use of imagery was good and quite natural but all in all I'd try to cut down on the wordiness because it kinda takes away for the serene feel of the other parts.
Gladion:
The pre chorus and chorus are pretty good but the bridge is really awkward ("without you feels like a nightmare" - really?). I wouldn't really have used some of the vocab you did in the verse, they added very little to the song, especially since you didn't have a strong rhyme scheme, which I think this song might've benefitted from, so most often these odd words like 'fable' weren't called for.
OnikaSlays - False Awakening:
This was a pretty standard "fine" entry I'd say - while there's nothing I can point out that is horrendous or that I hate and would want to drag you for, there's also nothing that I'm in love with. The worst thing is probably that this is rather banal - while you can seemingly write well, the song lacks originality or personality that would make it you. I'm not sure if you agree, but in reading many entries which kind of share the same theme and references, it gets stale.
UFO - Swimming Backwards:
Did you even try to write to any rhythm? That verse is just.. it's words. That said though lyrically I really enjoy the verse. The rest is a bit of a mess though. I'm not even sure if you whole "swimming backwards" thing even makes sense cause like... if you're doing backstroke, you're still gonna eventually reach land...... the world is a circle... 
Auburn - Feel (Interlude):
I don't know about this.. it seems a little nonsensical to me. The references to sea and glass are a bit random, and theres like no context to what you're actually talking about so it completely misses me in creating any impact.. is this a love song for a ghost? Why do you not share many moments? Why can't you touch him? I'm not sure what's going on here, it needed a little more focus, I think you got a bit lost in trying to be lyrical
XL - Raging Fire:
This is another entry where I really don't know whats going on. "corrupting my intellectual mind / seeking to destroy our mankind / now I must prepare to die"???? What ? You open with stuff like this and no context to what any of this is about and it makes no sense for me. Be more careful with making sure your metaphors make sense and that if you are trying to tell a story that there is actually some story, cause I see you're trying to put across something but you give me no hint as to what it is. You just tell me "my eyes, they keep on moving" which is nice but no.
mxtthewdelrey - One Thud / Towel Rack:
Why is your tummy dark blue?
Matty Tacos - Snow Warning:
"During the second strike of thunder / my heavy heart awoke / from its year long slumber / when I replaced a prize with a stone" im exhausted trying to make sense of these entries.
CountryBritney - Sssh:
What you've submitted is good but it doesn't feel finished to me! The first verse especially, I love, but it feels like the story comes to no conclusion or anything, so that's rather disappointing. But - your song made sense and it had good meter so you're probably automatically like top 10.
Citrus - Shoebox:
At first I was a little but the second half of this was a smash for me. The rhyme scheme was simpler than I think you usually do, but it worked seamlessly, the meter was great also. I feel like the first half was a little average in terms of getting the story across - it was a little cheesy, like as I pictured it in my mind I see it on some TV drama, but the second half which reflected on the memories was much stronger and I loved that.
Vulnicura - Chrysalis:
Some parts are a little too extra, I think. This being a short entry, I could handle it, but if you fill a full song with chrysalis-esque reaches, it might be a bit much. I think the abstractness works in small doses - and if that's your style or what you're going for, I'd say save it for peak moments of the song rather than littering them around in the future.
Jpow - Heal Myself:
Please never refer to a 'third eye' in a song again I like your idea of healing yourself with chakras but there's a limit. I think references like that generally add nothing other than a sense of "oooo thats a cool word". I mean, I know a third eye refers to spirituality and chakras but if you're already gonna write a song about that theme I wouldn't necessarily fill it with references of the same theme because then it leaves nothing to interpretation, and then the magic of writing is gone!
Speezy - Drained by a Rose:
The imagery of the rose throughout the song and references to such were really nice. A downside though, I didn't receive much of the story in turn. The story is lost amongst the imagery and the references. In future entries, you can be a little more clear in putting across both.
Abyssy - Angel/Demon:
Your meter was good, your rhymes served, it made sense, everything was strong lyrically. This is your first song but please teach the others lol.
Blue.:
Little Deer it's impact! I really like this and the image of the stag. Though, I do think it was at first slightly hard to interpret, it took me a minute to kinda get a grasp on what this was. My main pointer would be if you're gonna go for a concept like writing about an animal, make sure you totally embody that animal, because some of the lines here (for example the lungs one) feel a little too human for me. If this isn't actually supposed to be about a stag, well, oops.
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Can we just get the challenge and then results later @ this pt
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omg please this, at least i can be thinking about my song before i have to write it in 5mins on saturday
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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omg stan pears. i was sure you were gonna drag
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
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This is your first song but please teach the others lol.
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Abussy better destroy
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Member Since: 1/16/2011
Posts: 24,638
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Quote:
Auburn - Feel (Interlude):
I don't know about this.. it seems a little nonsensical to me. The references to sea and glass are a bit random, and theres like no context to what you're actually talking about so it completely misses me in creating any impact.. is this a love song for a ghost? Why do you not share many moments? Why can't you touch him? I'm not sure what's going on here, it needed a little more focus, I think you got a bit lost in trying to be lyrical
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it's personal
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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thanks pears!! That makes sense
Hug - Positive
Pears - Mixed
Temp - Mixed
Cupid - Negative
I'm scared for my safety
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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