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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Look at the page 224 for some t bby!
And Swiftie will be posting ha batch 3 soon.
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WOW #7?! I wasn't really expecting any T10 rankings from any judge since the competition is incredibly fierce. Thanks - glad you enjoyed!
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Done! My overall average was 6.14.
Batch 2 > Batch 3 > Batch 1
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Is it safe to say we live to write another week? 
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
It's like tinychat but better
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ff what vanilla **** do u do on tinychat
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Slay batch 2. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Just got to my hotel, but we're going out to eat rn, so yeah, about an hour and some change until my 3rd batch and 8th's first. Swiftie's B3 reviews are coming any moment now!
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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BATCH THREE
Quote:
41. Vulnicura - The Vagrant
I had to look up what vagrant meant because I'm an uncultured swine! Cute word. Did I like it? Not really. Overall the entry was nice, though. Despite the few meter issues, this song painted striking images and told a story well. The repetition of the titular line proved effective as well. The cur-sed was kind of ugly, but it's not the worst thing I've seen (1-2-3-4 Osmosis!). There were a lot of forced rhymes as well (passive hound was not a good choice of words at all). There was very little to be emotionally connected with personally but I did get emotion from it, if that makes sense. You painted the vagrant's isolation well. You definitely have one of the most unique styles so keep that up. Oh, and this gave me Kingdom Bells teas  settings and atmosphere wise.
42. Musickid203 - Playboy Paul
The first line made me roll my eyes for a couple reasons; the word "psyche" is not lyrical, the correct form of the past participle of the verb to begin is begun not began (An Ellie Goulding Stay Awake tea!) However, beyond that, it was punch after punch, in a good way. Your flow was near perfect. I don't even mind the colloquialism "text" because you set it up well. The imagery was on point throughout the entry, being consistent and cohesive enough to elevate the song to another level. I will say, though, considering the title and subject of this song is Playboy Paul, the term "cherry bomb," which I've only seen used for underage girls that act like me (Hor), seemed a little out of place, unless you're ignoring the gender that cis scum imposed upon that fruity term, then slay! Some awkwardly phrased lines included "your sweet paradise is needed here with me," (ew passive voice) and "is it a hoax to believe we can come true." Had those two and the introductory line been fixed, this would have SCALPED.
43. Speezy - You Run, I Run
This sounds like an elementary school entry, I'm sorry. From the language to the rhyming to the overall concept/message of the song, it seems like you've never written a song (but you have, haven't you?) I urge you to use more compelling word choices and to try to add personality to your lyrics because this felt like a stereotypical r&b/pop song, right down to the terribly cheesy lyrics. I do like the flow, which was aided by the easy rhymes, so you have that going for you. Bring it next round, please.
44. Colton Haynes - End of Me
Again, the language was rather uninspiring. You used the most widely used metaphors and similes which lent to me not feeling much from the song. The concept was very safe and very typical as well. The thing with these types of concepts is that, unless you make your delivery original, it will fall flat 100% of the time. There was nothing exciting about this entry except the first two lines, where I thought you had something nice going but that quickly ended after the pounding drums over the hills.
45. Obsession - Act of Contrition
This entry was indeed a sin, sin sin. Although you had an original concept, I felt like the language was overbearingly religious with little to no lyrical merit. Some of the syntax was awkward as well ("Wretched I am to break my vow,"). The touch/much rhyme was forced as, let me have this joke, hell. Repent! I did enjoy the second to last stanza, though. It added a nice depth without doing too much. But yeah, focus on making your style more lyrical and don't use those prose-y words.
46. C/H/A/N/E/L - Welcome to Darkness
The flow was spectacular. Some of the wittier language felt too try hard but it went well with the attitude of the song. The rhyming was done well, too. It was technically great but eh, nothing pulled me emotionally. Work on that for your next entry and it will surely elevate your style.
47. Lovesong - Through the Maze
The flow was lowkey choppy; Most of the mess came from the second half of the song rather than the first which was more tightly wound. The opening stanza opened strong, although I will say some of the imagery was far too familiar. "And how I've never stayed/ in one place very long," was such a perfect addition to end your first verse, and that made all the difference to be honest. "My constructed fabrications," was poor word choice in my opinion, clashing with the much simpler (and more effective) tone surrounding it. It was also very redundant (a wooden branch tea). Had you fixed these minimal issues, this could have hit hard, but it just missed something.
48. Lucky#17 - Waiting…
Honestly, I completely overlooked any structural mishaps because the emotion behind this song was far superior to any of that. This is the epitome of simple but effective. Besides "your loyalty is appreciated," all of the lines were quite powerful right after the other. I dunno, reading this was very pleasurable? Ugh. You got me. I dunno. You could maybe work a bit on your rhyming scheme but other than that, this song was so beautiful and good.
49. Alesus - Weeping Willow
The meter is kind of messy, but that somehow didn't stop this entry from touching me emotionally as well. With a few extra syllables in the first two stanzas, it would have read beautifully. There's something so melancholy about the simply language you used and even with that, you were able to create such a strong image that most writers struggle to without using contrived metaphors. "While others cry out for love, I cry out for peace," ugh, destroy me. The fact that you were having a conversation with the weeping willow made this entry even more effective. It was a bit long for a mere intro (it felt like a full song) so watch out for the challenge requirements in the future. Excellent work.
50. Urban - The New-New Me
The first verse felt like a chill 90's rap with amazing flow and carefree/light language. I enjoyed that very much. It was refreshing and I wish it would have stayed that way. Once I read "shallow grave," I knew that light feeling was over and it became another example of contrived imagery. The repetition of new-new me also got exhausting (it was cute in the beginning, though). I would say to focus less on imagery and focus more on the message you're trying to send out. This song's message was perfectly captured by the first verse but not so much the rest.
51. Ventitonic - Self-Closure
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our Ceremonials of this season but instead of rewriting Florence Welch lyrics, he loves imitating pop queen Mariah Carey! Joking aside (though not really joking), this felt like a Mariah Carey rehash without her poignancy. "Retrospectively diminishing," "bittersweet melancholy," "malignant feelings," "exertion with no equilibrium," were all a bit too much, especially in one song  "Someone was more in love than the other," is also badly worded. Not to mention, the concept is overdone. Yet it was still very well written. I'm curious to see how you develop as a writer; you have potential but you seem obsessed with Mariah Carey (pun intended obviously).
52. Element - Limelight
This felt like a comeback song and it worked. The flow was nearly perfect and every word felt natural. Speaking of natural, I love the earthy imagery used, it was well used. In my mind this reads as a bop, and it's hard to write well written bops but it was so uplifting and not as cheesy as it had the potential to be (many self empowerment songs are over the top). Good job on being on time!
53. ANONYMOUS - Pandorum
Pandorum is such a strange word, so I'm glad you didn't use it in your actual lyrics. There were only two lines I had a problem with. "I saw the world like no other," felt like filler and it was just there to rhyme, and "I can't help but feel like I'm one in a million," the content is great but you were just talking about your childhood in past tense before and after this line so this should've been "Couldn't help but feel like one in a million," or something similar. I like the progression that eventually leads to the effective "I see the world for what it is." I enjoyed this! There's something about childhood nostalgia that I can relate emotionally well to.
54. Midnight - Untitled
I was a bit confused while reading this but eventually I got it. Eh, this didn't stick out to me at all. Using "texts," and "phones," as lyrics is tricky and you didn't employ them well in my opinion. I do like the creepy vibe as if aliens were waiting for you to come home, though. It seemed much deeper than what was on the surface. The first stanza in the outro started great, and could've been super effective had "fine toothed comb," not been used. Construct your next entry to stick out more.
55. Pecinta Mariah - Foul Soul
The nonexistent rhyme scheme made it hard to read but emotionally, it was hefty. This felt like spoken word, however, and not a song. "Whom do I sing it," is also incorrect af. But "It reflects a shadow of you / On the surface of this calm lake / Where I will plunge myself to" is low key one of the best lyrics of the competition so far. Write more like that and pay attention to structure (meter and rhyme scheme) and you'll be golden.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Why didn't you call your reviews hor's d'oeuvres
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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The dragging of some of batch 3 entries 
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Why didn't you call your reviews hor's d'oeuvres
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I should
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Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
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Thank you swiftie! Happy you liked my entry! And my avi!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
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This entry was indeed a sin, sin sin.
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BITCH
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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Drag me swiftie
I don't think elementary kid would know what an M16 is but I get your message . You definitely guessed the genre I was aiming for too , (which is a good thing)
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Wow y'all really lash out at everyone.
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Omg thnks sweattea for your input but bish you re wrote my title
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 5,341
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Quote:
45. Obsession - Act of Contrition
This entry was indeed a sin, sin sin. Although you had an original concept, I felt like the language was overbearingly religious with little to no lyrical merit. Some of the syntax was awkward as well ("Wretched I am to break my vow,"). The touch/much rhyme was forced as, let me have this joke, hell. Repent! I did enjoy the second to last stanza, though. It added a nice depth without doing too much. But yeah, focus on making your style more lyrical and don't use those prose-y words.
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I guess I won't be needing a haircut anytime soon 
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
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Ariana is dat u?
Don't copy Mariah too much heffa
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Obsession
I guess I won't be needing a haircut anytime soon |
Stay tuned for my review bby 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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We should have a round where you pair us up into groups of 2 or groups of 4 and have us collaborate on a full song. Each writer could have their own part of the song they're responsible for like:
Writer 1 - In charge of 1st verse
Writer 2 - In charge of chorus
Writer 3 In charge of 2nd verse
Writer 4 - In charge of the bridge
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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Waiting for Temp. to drag me the rest of the way
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