ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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batch three.two
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Dylobs - "seemingly dead and empty at first sight" at first sight is redundant. Seemingly would suffice. Delete "so/petal" in the first verse, you repeat it too much. Petal/seems again in the bridge. The chorus has potential, actually the whole song has potential. You have a nice idea, but you keep repeating the same things. Expand/work on your vocabulary and stretching your imagery. The second verse is the best part!
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Gladion - Hoping to achieve fixation? Do you know what that word means? There's some good parts to this, but overall, it's kinda messy and all over the place. I don't think you fully grasp a lot of this song yourself.
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OnikaSlays - The first verse is so much longer than the rest of the song, serving a poetry tea. Keep the flow/meter going throughout the song, the first verse has none. The rest of the song was actually pleasant, if we delete the first verse you have a cute pop song here. My advice would be to be more specific/personal, avoid the generic cliches.
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UFO - I find the verse a little scattered, I can't pick up on the flow. I really liked the pre-chorus and chorus, although the latter is very repetitive. I feel like some of the vocab in the verse can be trimmed and it'd still be effective. The chorus could be cut in half probably. For the restrictions of the challenge this will do.
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Auburn - This was really good. I'm really tired and there's no much to critique here. Maybe something longer would make the story a little clearer, it's open ended at the moment.
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Xedretinz Lododnz - This was definitely an interesting theme. I feel like some of these rhymes are forced (mire-fire). I think you have some great potential, i'd just like to see you be a little more experimental in your rhymes as you are in your ideas.
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MattyTacos - I didn't really get this, like, what is the point of wanting to be a storm warning? I don't think you went into as much detail/explanation as you could have. There was some nice flashes of imagery and some interesting ideas, but it'd be nice to know the story behind this.
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CountryBritney - I'm living for the spirit pun. This is giving me pretty little liars intro teas. You mentioned you rushed this song and I think it shows, a few word repetitions and not enough explanation of the story. But what you do have here is making me very interested, I kinda wish you had worked on this and fleshed it out because I can tell it would have slayed. As it stands it's still good though.
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Citrus - This is a simple message done right. The story is fleshed out enough to be understandable and relatable but not at cost of the imagery. It has a nice flow, there could be more experimentation done with vocab and the theme itself could be more intricate, but with the restrictions of the challenge this more than suffices.
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Vulnotcura - This seems like something pretentious conatration would stan for. There are too many frills in this, it lacks a punch. I like some of it, the second verse is probably my favourite. It just feels like every other word has been handpicked from thesaurus.com - Give me more emotion next time, less fancy ****.
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jpow - "The seems to be lost" that? they? it? I like what you did with the story/theme here. I feel like the lines are too short though, the song is too long. I really like your chorus though, that's my favourite part tbh.
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Speezy - "pruining" ? Pruning? "Wish I became untangled " it'd work with "Wish I could become" Frigid air? I don't think that works? There's an interesting theme and some interesting word plays, but also a lot of basic errors in this. Felt rushed.
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Abysissy - "Are you worried that I'll strip away all of your pride?" this is too long, delete "all of", it disrupts the flow. It's not a unique or interesting theme, but it's a basic story well executed. Some lines get a little clunky, you should probably have added another verse and cut them down a little. But other than a few flow issues, this is actually pretty good. Next time more depth in the story and more succinct lines.
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I really appreciate the feedback 
