I swear to God I couldn't know it was "smoke" by MJB since it wasn't written anywhere. BUT before clicking on it I just knew it. I knew it was smoke cause this song gave me life and helped me go through things myself.
For some reason, there isn't one peculiar event that comes to my mind. It's more like an accumulation of things. To cut that short, I've always felt different and people always made sure to remind it to me by different ways, often not on purpose.
The thing is at this point of my life I refuse to feel down by anyone or anything. And that mentality kind of erased anything bad which has been said to me.
I have an extraordinary memory, but I can't strangely remember anything. I guess I just learnt how to protect myself.
I know this thread is not about that, but I have a piece of advice to give you all, since you are all so young.
Just learn to know yourself. Learn to really know who you are, what you love, what you hate, what you aim for. Thus you will have a definition of you by yourself. You have to be honest, admit your strenght, your flaws. It takes some time. Self inspection is not easy.
At one point that definition of you will be stuck somewhere in your head and you will remain unbothered each and everytime someones insults you by telling you something which is not true according to the definition of you YOU MADE YOURSELF.
This is what I did and this is probably the reason why I can't remember any hurtful thing which has been said to me.
Not too much detail, but recently someone used something really upsetting that I told them in confidence, and threw it in my face in an argument. Felt like having a glass of acid thrown in my face.
For some reason, there isn't one peculiar event that comes to my mind. It's more like an accumulation of things. To cut that short, I've always felt different and people always made sure to remind it to me by different ways, often not on purpose.
The thing is at this point of my life I refuse to feel down by anyone or anything. And that mentality kind of erased anything bad which has been said to me.
I have an extraordinary memory, but I can't strangely remember anything. I guess I just learnt how to protect myself.
I know this thread is not about that, but I have a piece of advice to give you all, since you are all so young.
Just learn to know yourself. Learn to really know who you are, what you love, what you hate, what you aim for. Thus you will have a definition of you by yourself. You have to be honest, admit your strenght, your flaws. It takes some time. Self inspection is not easy.
At one point that definition of you will be stuck somewhere in your head and you will remain unbothered each and everytime someones insults you by telling you something which is not true according to the definition of you YOU MADE YOURSELF.
This is what I did and this is probably the reason why I can't remember any hurtful thing which has been said to me.
Right now I'm going through the hardest time in my life so far... It all started on my birthday..My friend threw a party for me...I wanted to get WASTED, and they knew that, so drink after drink, I went into blackout mode....Basically from what they told me, I went into the bathroom and I cut my hands with a razor...I started regaining my consciousness when we were in the ambulance that was taking us to the hospital...The scars are just scratches, so I was released from the hospital in the morning... I don't know the reasons that made me do such a thing, but I believe it's due to the fact that recently I lost a lot of weight very fast...I always remember myself a fat kid, so now I didn't wanna go back to that...I was semi-anorexic...I could go for days with just water...
But that's not the reason I'm hurt...After that day, we spoke only a few times with my so-called "friends" that "would always be there for me"...They pushed me to tell my parents, when I didn't want to...My mother has been through a lot...They called me bipolar, they said I'm not the one they knew, things will never be the same between us, that I need psychological help, that I didn't think about them when I did this (uummm hello, I didn't even think myself or my parents at that point!), that now they will have problems forever, that they can't sleep or eat... and many other things that hurt like hell...So they threatened me to tell my parents, or else they would...My parents lost their trust on me from that point...And you know what's worse???
After that day, they don't speak to me at all...I stayed in my house for 4 and a half weeks, while they were still going out...WE WERE 9 PEOPLE THAT DAY!!!9 MOTHER ****ING PEOPLE, and I would understand if only 1 or 2 of them had a hard time...But everyone (besides 2 girls)??
Those 2 girls are my only comfort now...We go out, and I see them at the next table, and it hurts so much...I wanted to be with them, even though they made me basically hate myself more...They keep talking about me (I have my sources) and they keep discussing about that night, after almost 2 months...Yesterday, one of them texted me cause he wanted some DVDs of his I had...After 2 months and the only text I got is this...All this time nobody cared, nobody asked how I was doing...I cried myself to sleep for one month...It's summer, and I went to college with hoodies cause I didn't wanna show my scars...
There has been more...I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 4th of July...And honestly, I don't think I had a problem initially...The problems came after the incident...
I wanna believe I have moved on (even though it hurts when I see them out), and I changed for the better...I just have a hard time trusting people now...
Please excuse any grammar mistakes...
More highlights:
The time my best friend backstabbed me on my birthday
The time my ex mentioned above said since I was suicidal anyways he might as well let everyone know I'll be dead soon
Right now I'm going through the hardest time in my life so far... It all started on my birthday..My friend threw a party for me...I wanted to get WASTED, and they knew that, so drink after drink, I went into blackout mode....Basically from what they told me, I went into the bathroom and I cut my hands with a razor...I started regaining my consciousness when we were in the ambulance that was taking us to the hospital...The scars are just scratches, so I was released from the hospital in the morning... I don't know the reasons that made me do such a thing, but I believe it's due to the fact that recently I lost a lot of weight very fast...I always remember myself a fat kid, so now I didn't wanna go back to that...I was semi-anorexic...I could go for days with just water...
But that's not the reason I'm hurt...After that day, we spoke only a few times with my so-called "friends" that "would always be there for me"...They pushed me to tell my parents, when I didn't want to...My mother has been through a lot...They called me bipolar, they said I'm not the one they knew, things will never be the same between us, that I need psychological help, that I didn't think about them when I did this (uummm hello, I didn't even think myself or my parents at that point!), that now they will have problems forever, that they can't sleep or eat... and many other things that hurt like hell...So they threatened me to tell my parents, or else they would...My parents lost their trust on me from that point...And you know what's worse???
After that day, they don't speak to me at all...I stayed in my house for 4 and a half weeks, while they were still going out...WE WERE 9 PEOPLE THAT DAY!!!9 MOTHER ****ING PEOPLE, and I would understand if only 1 or 2 of them had a hard time...But everyone (besides 2 girls)??
Those 2 girls are my only comfort now...We go out, and I see them at the next table, and it hurts so much...I wanted to be with them, even though they made me basically hate myself more...They keep talking about me (I have my sources) and they keep discussing about that night, after almost 2 months...Yesterday, one of them texted me cause he wanted some DVDs of his I had...After 2 months and the only text I got is this...All this time nobody cared, nobody asked how I was doing...I cried myself to sleep for one month...It's summer, and I went to college with hoodies cause I didn't wanna show my scars...
There has been more...I have an appointment with a psychologist at 4th of July...And honestly, I don't think I had a problem initially...The problems came after the incident...
I wanna believe I have move on (even though it hurts when I see them out), and I changed for the better...I just have a hard time trusting people now...
Please excuse any grammar mistakes...
I sincerely hope everything in your life will be perfect FOREVER, because that is just...unreal. I just want to give everyone in this thread a hug.
I always got some for being a good kid. One friend of mine called me "good for nothing, look at yourself, you are nuts".. i can't even translate those words in english, but they hurt me to the bone.. i was prolly around 13/14 years old at the time.
But mostly, in my life, didn't hurt the things that's been said, but those that've been done by my closest friends behind my back. The thing that thought me that the only person i should trust is myself.
I sincerely hope everything in your life will be perfect FOREVER, because that is just...unreal. I just want to give everyone in this thread a hug.
I know it's unreal...Nobody understands why they act the way the do...I wanted to hate them so much but I can't...I can't confront them cause my love for them gets in the way...For once I had "friends" and when I needed them the most, they weren't here...And the thing that pains me more, is that I know that if I was on their place, I would act totally different...
I know it's unreal...Nobody understands why they act the way the do...I wanted to hate them so much but I can't...I can't confront them cause my love for them gets in the way...For once I had "friends" and when I needed them the most, they weren't here...And the thing that pains me more, is that I know that if I was on their place, I would act totally different...
If they turned their backs on you, then I guess they weren't true friends. But you should definitely pursue closure. Talking with a therapist helped my best friend get through some really difficult times, and she felt better for it afterward. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in overcoming this time in your life.
If they turned their backs on you, then I guess they weren't true friends. But you should definitely pursue closure. Talking with a therapist helped my best friend get through some really difficult times, and she felt better for it afterward. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in overcoming this time in your life.
Thank you so much...
Yeah, I guess they are not worth it...I need time...Time can heal everything..
Waiting for the 4th of July then..
I study in an all boys private school where there are strict policies on bullying. Let's just say I'm not a very masculine person but I'm straight just to clear things up.
I have a tight knit group of friends (all guys) and since I'm generally a friendly person, I'm fine with everyone in my class. Since the policies on bullying are strict, physical bullying (usually the physical stuff is fist fights amongst friends) and to a lesser extent verbal bullying are not a problem in the school. Since as I mentioned above I'm kind of an effeminate straight guy, life in an all boys school wouldn't be so easy. So I try to cope. Life's easier with my close group of friends (there are two other effeminate guys in our group but one has a girlfriend and one's openly bisexual) but if I didn't have my good friends ch.... I would quit that school in a heartbeat. No one openly teases me but the paranoia gets to me a lot. I always feel like my casual friends talk about me behind my back. Not to mention I get alienated often since no one's here for the "gay kid". They also aren't afraid to give hints. Like, in a soiree (an interaction between a girls and boys school) there was a truth or dare spin the bottle **** and I was picked and they suggested I put on a tiara and high heels and strut like a queen. I felt my hands and face go numb. Anyways I would always feel like going, "IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME, SAY IT TO MY ****ING FACE!!!" but I never had the courage to do so.
I know this looks like chicken feed next to your stories but I just felt like sharing 'cause it kills me everyday.
Honestly, I've had it pretty easy. But I did have REALLY bad acne in middle school and that whole time was just awkward for me. I remember overhearing some girls talking about the boys in the class. I was brought up and one of them let out a really dismissive "ew' and all the others laughed. Doesn't sound like much but it kind of destroyed my confidence for a few years.
It's okay though, cause I found that particular girl on Facebook recently and now she's pregnant and has a mustache.
The several times my parents have said subliminally that my brother is better than me, always comparing me with him, saying that he has good grades, behaves well and never gives them problems, unlike me. I still love them tho
Right now I'm going through the hardest time in my life so far... It all started on my birthday..My friend threw a party for me...I wanted to get WASTED, and they knew that, so drink after drink, I went into blackout mode....Basically from what they told me, I went into the bathroom and I cut my hands with a razor...I started regaining my consciousness when we were in the ambulance that was taking us to the hospital...The scars are just scratches, so I was released from the hospital in the morning... I don't know the reasons that made me do such a thing, but I believe it's due to the fact that recently I lost a lot of weight very fast...I always remember myself a fat kid, so now I didn't wanna go back to that...I was semi-anorexic...I could go for days with just water...
But that's not the reason I'm hurt...After that day, we spoke only a few times with my so-called "friends" that "would always be there for me"...They pushed me to tell my parents, when I didn't want to...My mother has been through a lot...They called me bipolar, they said I'm not the one they knew, things will never be the same between us, that I need psychological help, that I didn't think about them when I did this (uummm hello, I didn't even think myself or my parents at that point!), that now they will have problems forever, that they can't sleep or eat... and many other things that hurt like hell...So they threatened me to tell my parents, or else they would...My parents lost their trust on me from that point...And you know what's worse???
After that day, they don't speak to me at all...I stayed in my house for 4 and a half weeks, while they were still going out...WE WERE 9 PEOPLE THAT DAY!!!9 MOTHER ****ING PEOPLE, and I would understand if only 1 or 2 of them had a hard time...But everyone (besides 2 girls)??
Those 2 girls are my only comfort now...We go out, and I see them at the next table, and it hurts so much...I wanted to be with them, even though they made me basically hate myself more...They keep talking about me (I have my sources) and they keep discussing about that night, after almost 2 months...Yesterday, one of them texted me cause he wanted some DVDs of his I had...After 2 months and the only text I got is this...All this time nobody cared, nobody asked how I was doing...I cried myself to sleep for one month...It's summer, and I went to college with hoodies cause I didn't wanna show my scars...
There has been more...I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 4th of July...And honestly, I don't think I had a problem initially...The problems came after the incident...
I wanna believe I have moved on (even though it hurts when I see them out), and I changed for the better...I just have a hard time trusting people now...
Please excuse any grammar mistakes...