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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
Homophobia targets someone's sexual preference 
My eyes skipped the other one lol |
OK.
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Tymps' reviews in 10 mins!!!
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¡Yay!
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Breath - Racial profiling
The Monster - Betrayal
Melt - Sex
A Part of Me - Paranoia
Uncharted - Continuing greatness
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
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King!
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Dissonant Rhythm slays
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Hugamari's Theme is better (although I guess we'll never know anymore now that you permanently deleted it)
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Excited!
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Black Swan (Buyonce1814)Personally I feel like this is best we’ve seen from you. You have some very powerful statements in this song that really grab my attention, such as “I'm not asking for the part / I'm taking it”. You use intriguing language and while the song is poetic it’s also very grounded. My main concern is how some lines are phrased. Some of it seems too straight, like “How on Earth will I achieve my dream?” and “I can do this, I’ve no doubts.” The protagonist also seems to be a little conflicted; the prechorus and chorus are revolving around a theme of empowerment, but then in the bridge he says “the evil has consumed [him]”. Make sure that each line makes sense in the song. Overall though I thought you did good work!
Club Games (Eros)
This was a good break from the incredibly depressing songs submitted this week. I like that you stay true to yourself and don’t try to be something you’re not. This was a fun song and it made me laugh at parts (that’s good!!!). I just don’t think this song is as distinctive as F*ckboys because it doesn’t have as strong of a central theme to set it apart. The chorus, especially lines like the last one, just aren’t exciting as your diss anthem to the f*ckboys. However I still did like it and thank the Father, Son and Holy Spirit you sent something that was a change of pace from the other songs this round because I swear these contestants are going to send me spiralling back into depression.
Dance With The Ghosts (ClarksonSlays)
My favorite part was the second half of the bridge; that’s a good example of how to utilize a trite or overdone idea in a fresh or new way. For all the times I say to avoid triteness, I’d like to add onto that that it’s actually really cool if you can take something trite and twist it into a new meaning or context. One of my biggest criticisms I have for you is that the first stanza was not attention-grabbing enough. As I’ve tried to really push this season, songs should start off with a first impression that really makes the listener listen. The first stanza in this song is where the song was the most basic, and for me it was not a good first impression. I think you could’ve done more in the verses with the “ghost” idea that you brought out in the chorus and bridge. I think if you spread that concept in your verses, which made up a large chunk of your song, the song would’ve been more distinctive. I thought this was a rather average song for you. Of course, your average song is by no means bad, so I wouldn’t be worried about elimination or anything of the sort!
Dummy (8thPrince)
I personally think this is your best song yet. You switched up your style (!!!) and decided to go for a darker route and it totally worked. You had this great motif of dummies and toys and it really set your song apart. In addition you had lots of great ideas that really got me, like the first halves of Verse 1 and 2. You also had lines that I could just really feel the emotion in with brutal honesty, like “The worst part is I never really lost you altogether” and the rest of the bridge. I really really enjoyed this one. My only advice (because I don’t want to be useless!) is that I still feel like you don’t have much of a sense about when something might sound a little silly, ex. “Goodbye-bye”.
Garden Full Of Roses (Era)
I LOVED the verses, you did such a great job on them  The rest is a pretty straight forward, simplistic affair. Not good enough to match your previous entries but certainly not bad enough to get you eliminated. You had the toughest week, so the fact that you managed to submit something solid speaks volumes about your potential. You go girl 
Hold Your Hand (keshaspearsxo)
Bitch wtf at that candle metaphor. When I read the first line I was like “oh another candle/fire metaphor I literally read like 20 of these a round” but then you worked with it so beautifully and you brought a completely new perspective to it and I just loved it. I also really loved the concept for this song and the fragility it expresses. It just goes to show that sexuality works amazingly when worked into a song that’s not like “sex sex sex **** my butt fisting yeah!” That first line also really blew me away. Personally I like this better than Heartwater, I don’t know what approach you took to writing this but it worked even better. In my opinion, I think this is your magnum opus.
Its Just A Game (Hugamari)
I thought this was pretty good! You did something darker and non-love-related but you also brought your distinctive writing style to it (you better not start self-deprecating when you read this saying how that’s bad because it’s not). I do think that there were points where it sounded like you were adding things just for the rhyme, such as “Violent fights; lies told before” and “It’s just an act, and we’re aware”. Try using more near rhymes. Rhymes should sound natural and if you use more near rhymes you’ll have a wider array of words to choose from. I also think that the prechorus wasn’t really necessary and didn’t add anything to the song. Taking all of this into account, I still think you did a good job this round even if this wasn’t your peak.
Left Hollow (BlueM)
A lot of this was written very formally. Everything was grammatically correct but it made it not sound very casual and actually a little uncomfortable. I really feel like that was this song’s downfall, because it made the whole thing feel a little stoic. Someone truly feeling these emotions wouldn’t be talking or writing like this. For future songs, try to really feel the protagonist’s emotions as you write and write as if you are them 100%. I’m not a person who normally criticizes things because they don’t sound “true”. Execution was an issue, but you did have some interesting ideas in there, like the first line! It starts in media res which is rather exciting for the listener.
Love Is A Gamble (JustLuke)
I love how you really used the idea of gambling in your whole song, using every facet of it to symbolize something about the experience of love. I just think that in some places the song was missing a little meat. Briefness is okay but in terms of content songs should not feel too short. The first verse was a part that I felt like was missing some meat on its bones. Not that much really happened in the chorus either outside of the title and saying you’re willing to handle it. I did think this was better than your usual work, though. I hope you keep heading in this direction!
Monster (dwuw)
Good job! I especially like the chorus and the “You wanted me to burn,
and I did it for you;” truly embodying the idea of attachment and doing anything for someone even if it hurts you. Some of the rhyming felt a little too deliberate; try using more near rhymes for a more casual sound. I also found it weird that “I wish I were dead” was just sandwiched in the middle of a stanza; a truly heartbreaking sentiment like that would fit best at the very very end of a stanza or better yet the whole verse, so that it packs the most punch rather than just making it sound like it’s being mentioned. Sometimes the stanzas in the verse just felt like they were a swath of unrelated ideas. Try to connect them more! Overall this is not the best I’ve ever seen from you but you still did a pretty good job!
Regret (lovesong)
I felt like some things in this song were explained very simply, too simply in fact at some parts like Verse 3. I don’t think this was a very strong entry from you. I think the closest you got to a very strong part was the outro. I would’ve liked if more of the song had that weight. Something about this for a lot of it seemed a little stoic and didn’t feel emotionally charged. To be honest it feels like a song that would be written for this competition, and usually when I get that feeling from a song it indicates that someone has spent too much time fixing and fine-tuning every detail of the song, striving for perfection but losing rawness. That might not be the case for you but I suspect it might possibly be.
ruins (Gotskill)
I like that you kept it concise but complete with the ABCB song format. It didn’t feel like it needed more and I’m glad that you didn’t add another verse just to follow “complete” song structure. Anyhow this felt like another song from you. I haven’t read that much from you but I feel as though you have a bit of a formula. I don’t want to preach to you because I know my writing can be very formulaic too especially for this competition but I want you to change the tone of your writing for a round (not every round). This song is good. I like a lot of the lines, like “the silence was all you had to say”. I just wish it was a little more special. Don’t let yourself pull the same tricks so often.
Set Sail (Sam)
I thought this song really worked. It felt very cohesive and even with that more complex -ection rhyme in the prechorus it felt like you weren’t pulling words out of your ass to satisfy a rhyme scheme! I liked the story-telling nature of the song, I thought you pulled it off very well. My favorite line was “Just like fool I caught the bait”  No but really. Anyways my only problem is there are a couple lines I don’t get, like “Now you realize you can’t own me / Like a flag bound to your mast” (why can’t a flag be owned?) and “Should have realized as I melted / Like the ice that plagues your soul” (is the ice that plagues his soul melting? wouldn’t that mean he/she’s becoming nicer?).
Tender (conatus)
This song was scary. Really scary. I think it’s about rape? I had to read it multiple times. I honestly don’t know what to say, I feel very inappropriate picking this song out and critiquing its parts, so bear with me here. I think this was a good concept and while it initially made me feel incredibly uncomfortable I think that’s a good thing. I do think the use of the word “tender” is very strange even in the song’s context. It’s repeated so much and it’s the title so the word really dominates the song but I think maybe there could’ve been other words you could’ve used with slight changes to other lines in order to accomodate. I really felt so, so much emotion in this song. I don’t know if I’m right, that it’s about rape, but the whole song just feels like the protagonist is so fragile and ready to break at a moment’s notice, and I feel really inappropriate writing this comment and trying to find advice to give you about it. This might be controversial but I’m going to give since I think the writing was very good and it’s so emotionally packed.
When They Cry (EuphorianSea)
Good work! Now let me proceed to tell you everything wrong with your song in an effort to help you as if I have all the answers. The chorus did not have enough substance, in my opinion, and should’ve had more happen in it. Lines in the chorus should be powerful – it’s the most important part of the song. However I love how you explore the world in the song and you show how you arrived at your mental destination as well. You really challenge yourself and I love when songwriters have the ability to do that. I am having trouble, though, making sense of the song and how exactly this all is supposed to tie in together. It sort of feels like a rant in song form, and I love rants a looottt but for a song I think you should try to be more focused in. I feel like you’re going back very slightly to old bad habits. Overall though I really do think this was good and you’ve improved so much!
Wicked Entropy (inuborg)
You always have great ideas. Wicked entropy? Genius. And there’s so much feeling in this song, so much. You tell such a painful story in the verses and you make me feel that pain with you, even if the concept is a little overdone. I felt the pain like it was me. Things are really just stated in the verses but I think since it’s supposed to be rap it works well in the style. This is probably going to be very contradictory to the rest of the judges but I actually thought the chorus was the weakest part, especially given that choruses are supposed to be the strongest. Outside of the wicked entropy line I felt as though the chorus didn’t have as many powerful lines as the verses. In the verses, you literally challenge God. That is so outstanding and powerful. In the chorus, for the most part you just had vague metaphors.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Nait Phoenix
Breath - Racial profiling
The Monster - Betrayal
Melt - Sex
A Part of Me - Paranoia
Uncharted - Continuing greatness
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I can't believe I haven't written a song about paranoia or betrayal yet
Interesting tho 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Quote:
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This song was scary. Really scary. I think it’s about rape? I had to read it multiple times. I honestly don’t know what to say, I feel very inappropriate picking this song out and critiquing its parts, so bear with me here. I think this was a good concept and while it initially made me feel incredibly uncomfortable I think that’s a good thing. I do think the use of the word “tender” is very strange even in the song’s context. It’s repeated so much and it’s the title so the word really dominates the song but I think maybe there could’ve been other words you could’ve used with slight changes to other lines in order to accomodate. I really felt so, so much emotion in this song. I don’t know if I’m right, that it’s about rape, but the whole song just feels like the protagonist is so fragile and ready to break at a moment’s notice, and I feel really inappropriate writing this comment and trying to find advice to give you about it. This might be controversial but I’m going to give since I think the writing was very good and it’s so emotionally packed.
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Hm. Thank you? I think.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Wonder Veins - blood and BDSM
Wrecking Ball - miley cyrus and religion
Tree - trees
Music for the Deaf - ears and religion
Heartwater - love and water
Hold Your Hand - religion
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Okay but for real
1. Problematic / complicated / borderline unhealthy relationship (the best kind of relationship!)
2. Unrequited love
3. Wanting to be a parent & love at first sight
4. LGBT+ youth negative home life
5. Love and water
6. Fear of the physical side of a relationship (aka sex)
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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I Need You Tonight - Long distance love
All I Have - Mixed signals
End This Show - Rejection
Battleground - Depression
I'm Gay - Coming out
This Old Girl - Xtina
Love Is A Gamble - Taking the risk for love
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Tymps review being pretty much the exact opposite of Matty's  I think I'm finally starting to understand your style Tymps, hopefully next round I'll be able to appeal to you more 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Good work! Now let me proceed to tell you everything wrong with your song in an effort to help you as if I have all the answers. The chorus did not have enough substance, in my opinion, and should’ve had more happen in it. Lines in the chorus should be powerful – it’s the most important part of the song. However I love how you explore the world in the song and you show how you arrived at your mental destination as well. You really challenge yourself and I love when songwriters have the ability to do that. I am having trouble, though, making sense of the song and how exactly this all is supposed to tie in together. It sort of feels like a rant in song form, and I love rants a looottt but for a song I think you should try to be more focused in. I feel like you’re going back very slightly to old bad habits. Overall though I really do think this was good and you’ve improved so much!
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I agree with everything here except for the part about it being a rant.
How is my song a rant? 
For so long I felt so numb to the bone
Now I'm exposed to a world not alone
We’re united through what’s hidden inside
Took me a while to realise we’re the same
Wounded in different ways, we feel ashamed
But no matter how hard love will remain
The guilt starts to grow into something else
Into what we couldn't see for ourselves
This is NOT a rant
Thanks tho! 
I really did want to show how someone can come to a realisation over time, like an epiphany 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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It's kind of weird when you write something based on a real-life event then have people tell you "this is scary" or "this makes me uncomfortable".
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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I did not think the line about sexuality you posted would be for me
But yes the stanning  thank you !
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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“Now you realize you can’t own me / Like a flag bound to your mast” (why can’t a flag be owned?)
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This line is saying that a flag CAN be owned, but the speaker can not be.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
It's kind of weird when you write something based on a real-life event then have people tell you "this is scary" or "this makes me uncomfortable". |
People interpret things in different ways
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