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Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Phres resorting to reports when she can't think of a reply. Good luck booking that platinum hit u speak of
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Hugamari's Comments
Batch 3, Part 2
(Hor should make me a custom banner idk  )
TheCheetahwings – Saving Grace
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] I really enjoyed the relative light-heartedness of this entry. You didn’t get lost in your metaphors and you have an obvious grasp on technical parts of writing, so the only thing I can really say, as far as criticism goes, is that it’s a bit forgettable – I don’t think I’ll remember this in like…2 rounds from now. Everything you have here is good, if not great, but not amazing. It’s going to get you a good placement on this challenge, but I’m left here wanting to see you really floor me. I believe in you!
OreGuy – Still Love
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] Just from the first verse alone, I have some comments. “Their sounds are scary” was childish sounding. That’s not a problem in itself, but I take it from the theme of this entry, you’re not writing from a child’s perspective. Word choice has a lot with how you perceive the characters in a song or story. “I’m standing here with this / Umbrella and tears” I would avoid breaking your sentences up like that. “I’m standing here / With my umbrella and tears”, although it doesn’t fit the meter you made, is an example of breaking a sentence apart in a way that isn’t off-putting. (You could make your way work if you were singing it, but we don’t hear what you hear!) I also thought your use of “bliss” was there for rhyme’s sake, and other words would’ve taken its place better. There were a few examples like this spread throughout your entry, but since I focused on the first verse, that’s what I went with. You were also looking for “confessed”. I’m not sure if you sent your entry to anyone, but if not, it might help you in the future.
Dylobs – The Pretentious Song Title
Well, you might see yourself in that rose petal, but I see myself in this song. Yozakura says HI. No, but let me tell you about your song. I think the second verse is the highlight. It’s where it goes from art project to…art project that you don’t need to say “It’s art YOU DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT!!!”, in other words, that’s when it felt like the purpose was exposed. If I had to give you a critique, it’d be that your entry felt particularly wordy for the Twitter challenge. You met the criteria for the challenge (albeit barely), and seeing as I know you’re actually low-key brilliant at writing concepts, it felt like a wasted opportunity from you. I liked this entry, but I feel like there was more to be done with it. I would’ve liked to see this entry later, and something that showcased your originality more, as far as structure and concepts go, here.
Gladion
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] Alright, this song about king of pop Gladion, slay me! No, but seriously, this feels like another example of what I have always felt about your writing. You have such great ideas; your problem is executing them. This is one of the times you did it better, though, so kudos for that! Anyway, I want to give you a few examples of what I mean. The bridge is the biggest example. “Thinking about you gets me nowhere / But without you feels like a nightmare” YOU WERE ONE WORD AWAY FROM BRILLIANCE. Change thinking to dreaming, and wouldn’t you know it – a couplet that sums up your song perfectly AND hits hard. Something else is that in your verses and chorus, they have 5 lines, but you didn’t need them.  You could get your idea across just fine with 4, and it would’ve helped a lot with your word count. Going back to the bridge, though, you DID get it right with the first 2 lines. Even though it implies this guy doesn’t even exist, that would kind of be an amazing ass plot twist, and it was the standout line for me! It really shows me that the ideas are there.
OnikaSlays – False Awakening
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] “Desire burning like a wildfire” delete this! Let me be serious now, I’m not going to tell you your entry was good or bad. It was typical. The best advice I can give you is to be more adventurous in theme, or try and think of more novel ways to convey a familiar theme. Obviously, no idea is a new one, but some are thought of more than others! That’s just something to keep in mind for later rounds, and maybe even anything you might write on your own ambition. For what you wrote specifically, using “in” twice in the first line was very off-putting, more so because it was the first line. A rough start. The second line was better, although it sounds a bit disgusting. Your use of tattered was redundant and only there to fill your rhyme scheme, and “beautiful disaster” is basically a cliché at this point. Don’t do it. I do like the concept of having a ‘false awakening’, but the way you executed it felt a bit tired, but it at least tells me you do have ideas!
UFO – Swimming Backwards
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] Confusing. That’s a word I’d use to describe your entry. I feel iffy trying to critique anything because I do not know what you’re trying to convey here. I would’ve appreciated an explanation on this one, to be honest. (I know I’m a bit outspoken about how I don’t read those, but this is a special case.  ) I can’t really begin trying to describe what this is. Is it a dream journal? An acid trip? You had interesting imagery, but it doesn’t mean anything if I don’t know what it represents. I can try to give you a more helpful critique if you wouldn’t mind telling me what your goal was with this song, and what you tried to make it about.
Auburn – Feel (Interlude)
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] I’m gonna keep an eye on you. You intrigued me with this entry, simply because I feel like you’re holding back from us. I see so much potential in this, and I really wish you’d done something other than an interlude, because I think it limited you in a needless way. You did well from a technical standpoint, and you sufficiently handled the challenge, but something about this just leaves me wanting something more, and I’m hoping that comes in the form of next week’s entry.
Xedretinz Lododnz – Raging Fire
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] I think you could’ve omitted the (3x) part. That’s minor, but I’m starting with it anyway! What I find confusing is that I believe that this is metaphorical, but it feels too literal (although if this is literal, it’d slay for a Lord of the Rings soundtrack or something.) Some more specific things: DELETE “down/frown”, it’s too forced  “mind/humankind” are in the same boat. NOT ALL YOUR RHYMES WERE BAD, THOUGH. For instance, I liked “darker/power” even if their status as slant rhymes could be questioned, it felt more natural than most of your lines. You really could have done more with the bridge, or omitted it altogether. As it stands, it does literally nothing for your entry, and on this challenge, every word counts. You do have a fairly good grasp on the technical side, though, so I would try to have less forced rhymes and try not to sound so literal if you’re being metaphorical. |
bump
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 14,949
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gladion
Poor phresh, ha only iconic thing is this thread already being overshadowed by this amazing gif
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Hi I'm a fan of your Pumpkaboo song. I see future for you here.
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Dylobs – The Pretentious Song Title
Well, you might see yourself in that rose petal, but I see myself in this song. Yozakura says HI. No, but let me tell you about your song. I think the second verse is the highlight. It’s where it goes from art project to…art project that you don’t need to say “It’s art YOU DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT!!!”, in other words, that’s when it felt like the purpose was exposed. If I had to give you a critique, it’d be that your entry felt particularly wordy for the Twitter challenge. You met the criteria for the challenge (albeit barely), and seeing as I know you’re actually low-key brilliant at writing concepts, it felt like a wasted opportunity from you. I liked this entry, but I feel like there was more to be done with it. I would’ve liked to see this entry later, and something that showcased your originality more, as far as structure and concepts go, here.
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Um suck two halves of a dick pls
 Thanks btw. But does
"If I had to give you a critique"
mean that you thought my song was really good and had to pick it apart? 
Seriously; pls elaborate further on your critique. What wasn't original? What ideas would you have done to develop it further? Thanks again
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aciid
It came off shady but I just wanted to know if you were cause I can't quite locate who that was. I think you are, that bitch who used to thirst for Shawn with him on showdown.
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Mess  Yes that was me But I do stan Pokemon sis, I got my Moon copy & I need to get back to playing.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Um suck two halves of a dick pls
Thanks btw. But does
"If I had to give you a critique"
mean that you thought my song was really good and had to pick it apart?
Seriously; pls elaborate further on your critique. What wasn't original? What ideas would you have done to develop it further? Thanks again |
When I said ideas, I meant more like when you told me to make my lines shorter and shorter in my bridge for my legendary serial killer anthem, not so much changing your theme. I thought your theme was original! You chose a song structure that was very typical, which is what surprised me. I think something not really bound by structure would've helped you more, as in, not a Verse/Chorus setup, but something more akin to a lullaby. I also think it would've helped your song more if you had a more easy-going rhythm to your song, almost as if you were being carried by the wind along with the rose petal, if you know what I mean?
But yes, it was hard to pick apart your song because I saw little fault in it, I just thought it was a waste of the creativity I know you have.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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I hate being in batch 3.8
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Awwww, yay hugamari i'm so happy you liked the idea and I totally agree what in the world was i thinking putting "thinking" instead of "Dreaming" it would of been perfect
Thank you very much 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Huga and I agree on everything tbh 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aciid
Hi I'm a fan of your Pumpkaboo song. I see future for you here.
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Don't worry, my biggest smash is coming
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Keep it cute phresh
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
When I said ideas, I meant more like when you told me to make my lines shorter and shorter in my bridge for my legendary serial killer anthem, not so much changing your theme. I thought your theme was original! You chose a song structure that was very typical, which is what surprised me. I think something not really bound by structure would've helped you more, as in, not a Verse/Chorus setup, but something more akin to a lullaby. I also think it would've helped your song more if you had a more easy-going rhythm to your song, almost as if you were being carried by the wind along with the rose petal, if you know what I mean?
But yes, it was hard to pick apart your song because I saw little fault in it, I just thought it was a waste of the creativity I know you have.
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O I c tyvm.
Surprised you think it's too wordy but I can get behind all this 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Mess is Huga still not done?
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
I hate being in batch 3.8
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you better hustle your bustle next round then
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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There is more than two parts of batch 3?
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
There is more than two parts of batch 3? |
There was 20+ entries all at once 
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,907
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Keep it cute phresh
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I did the whole time, it was just playful banter
any hoot-hoot, hug needs to speed up her sloppy reviewing
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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wow ok but where is Pears and Cupid their reviews of my bootiful top 10 song
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