[ughgabriel]

26. ughgabriel - Psychotropics (Intro)
FINALLY, I can say that at the very least, a few lines here scalped me! The second stanza and third stanzas were everything! Unfortunately, you broke down with the last two stanzas: the vocabulary felt forced and weighed down your style (ex. "the genesis to a new state of mind"), and the lines became too long. There's a fine line between 1) Poem and song 2) Excessive and poetic vocabulary, and I think you crossed a few too many times here.

I'm glad you liked it! I must agree with you since the first three stanzas were all written on three different nights. And i rushed the proccess for the last two cause I thought it was taking me too long to finish the song. Thanks!

[Jackson]

BATCH ØNE

1. Wonderlust – Intro
I’m not sure if you knew this but this is a 100% lyrics based competition. Fancy editing and formatting doesn’t get you anywhere here. The first little stanza had some potential, even if it lacked rhyming, rhythm, and structure. But the song was so short there really isn’t much to judge. “I dive I dive I dive I die” just doesn’t work, either. The “die” is extremely grating.


2. Nait Phoenix – Underneath the Skin
I definitely see what you’re trying to say here, but the meaning of the intro isn’t as clear as I feel it should be and the meaning appears muddled behind a lot of filler words. Some rhymes (shattered/splattered, scriptures/mixtures) come across as contrived. That being said, your flow, especially in the first section, was impeccable.


3. Bey Admired – Red Sky
Damn you went in . I can’t really see this being an intro, since it’s so directly in your face. Unless your album is fifty minutes of straight gangsta rap I’m not really sure how this would fit. When you tried to be intelligent it came across as try-hard (unequivocal dross) and that juxtaposed with the grating, hardcore spitfire didn’t really work. I did appreciate your structure, I’d just work more on making your song flow throughout both rhythmically and in meaning, and keeping an even tone throughout.


4. Xedretinz Lododnz – Black and White
Like I said to Wonderlust, this is a purely lyrics writing competition and any extra formatting doesn’t help your score at all. That being said, if you feel like doing it for fun nothing’s stopping you, just realize it doesn’t influence our scores at all. This was the start of a good song, but it felt more like a rough draft to me. I definitely understood what you were trying to say here, but your word choices weren’t always the best. For example, the first two lines were great, but “we like upbeat, we like happy” was kind of jarring and disrupted the mood and flow you had set up to that point. A few of the rhymes seemed forced as well, such as “like” and “spite”. I loved the concept of black and white but I wish you had expanded on it more.


5. E-Raine – Love Persona
Structure is a huge part of songwriting, and this had the structure of a paragraph or a poem rather than a song. Even if you had spaced the words differently it would have read better. In addition it was too short to be judged well. I like the use of repetition but you went overboard here. The sentiments expressed here would have been more powerful had you elaborated, used more imagery, and structured your song appropriately.


6. Vision – Cruel Kingdom
This is a good entry with some glaring flaws. Starting at the beginning, “welcome to the king of nothing” makes little sense, as one cannot be welcomed to a person. The kingdom of nothing would have fit better in this situation perhaps (or something else that would fit the meter better). Speaking of meter, while you had a good flow throughout the song, often the stressing of your syllables didn’t fit the piece. For example, “instinct of fear that breeds within” would normally have emphasis on the IN part of the word instinct, but here has emphasis on both syllables. It looks fine on paper but reads (or sings) weird aloud. There’s a few other minor flaws in the meter as well. While one of the more solid newbie entries, I suggest you try reading your songs out loud before you submit as it will make some of your flow/meter problems more obvious and easier to fix.


7. Macrocycle – I have to quit sorry Temporal
Love the Gaga reference in “stop the hate start the music”. This reads as if Pitbull tried to major in philosophy and became a new age antiwar hippie. This could go hard in the clubs with a See B remix.


8. Tymps – Metacognition of the Big Toe Aphrodisiac
The water reference was clever and I appreciated the ode to power bottoms (“my anus bleeds for the answers to you”). Your flow was good but your lyrics were not.


9. Hugamari – Welcome to the World
I loved this I just realized this is my first time judging you since we’ve always either played together, judged together, or I’ve been judged by you. I wrote a similar song with the same title the day my little brother was born so this definitely has special meaning to me. I could sense the emotion in it even though I know you’re yet to be a father. The line “I see clear and serene skies” would have flowed better without the word “and”, and “it takes you where you need to go” came across as awkward among the other brilliantly simple and direct lines. This is my favorite entry so far, though, and it’s looking to be Hugamari SZN up in this bitch.


10. Moonchild – Missed Connections
The meaning of the song is slightly confusing. By the way the song starts I would assume the missed connection is to parents or a lover, but when you end up in someone else’s bed it seems to discount the possibility it could be a lover, and the “missed connections in your touch” seems to say it could only be a lover. Still there were some great, clever lines here, such as “your laughter never hurt so much” and “am I just a missed connection in the end?”. The last stanza uses the word “and” too many times and the flow is a little messed up at the end.


11. UFO – In My Head
I like the way the “knock” makes little sense at the beginning of the song, but all ties together when you hit the punchline. I’m a little confused as to who the “you” in this song is, and the flow here isn’t quite to the level I’d like it to be (it’s good but wanders off at times). By far the best part of the song was the last line.


12. KeshasFansRose – Take Back
Even though the length of the intro is perfect, it still feels like there’s a lot missing. A lot of it simply makes little sense. What does “lies, he changed me” even mean? There a bit too much repetition for the length of the intro as well. A lot of this just felt like words on a page as opposed to actual, meaningful lyrics. I like that you know exactly the instrumental this song would have, but you need to remember that we have judged can’t hear what you hear in your song. Everything you need to communicate is left to your lyrics, and this week they didn’t quite stack up to the rest.


13. Truffle – For You
This was a bit too cliché for my liking. There wasn’t much emotion in this piece, and it felt as though all your experience with love had come from hearing stories from other people. It felt more like a poem than a song as well, as the meter was a bit messy in places. Some of the lines are just awkward (“And I think about it a minute or two” sounds so conversational among the other more poetic lines), and the whole thing is filled with clichés (shattered mirror, yellow break road).


14. Country Britney – Transcendental Dream
You did a few things right here. Your sense of imagery is really strong. Your message was very clearly stated. You chose a lot of good words and I could definitely see where you were going with the song. The last sections especially was really powerfully worded. Still, your flow was all over the place and there were quite a few awkward rhymes. Make sure you’re not only counting syllables and sticking with a meter, but making sure your stressing is on point. Having good flow to a song greatly strengthens the strong word choices and emotions associated with it. The fact that there appeared to be little structure was also problematic, as I couldn’t tell what function each stanza was supposed to serve. Make sure each word and each rhyme has a purpose, because lines like “no wonder they’re so scared” stick out like a sore thumb.


15. FCKNAmbrosia – Ain’t No Joint
Is English your native language? A lot of the words you used didn’t really fit the lines in which you used them. It appears as though you tried to use a ton of big words to offset the fact that the flow and structure are a mess. Read my comment to Country Britney, because both of you seem to have the problem of having good sentiments destroyed by bad poeticism. In addition, you should be working harder to fix the glaring meter issues and implement some form of structure (other than a wall of text) before you start experimenting more with your word choices. Still, I think you had a great concept and I loved the first two and last two lines. There were just some problems with your execution.


16. conatus – Interlude
For the most part this is a pretty solid entry. There’s some really strong lines (“Lights up the room where darkness used to fall”) and a few awkward ones (“virgin sunlight shines”). A few words stick out in a bad way as well, such as “rejuvenating”. I like the concept behind this and it fits the whole concept of the season of starting anew and going back to basics. I’d love to see you expand on this concept in future rounds when you have a little more space and structure to play with. This also feels like more of an intro to me.


17. Witch_Privilege – Twin Flame
This is probably the most compelling concept I’ve read thus far. It feels real and not at all forced, and I can sense the genuine emotion. I love the repetition and the fact that the song has structure without it being overly defined. Still, there were some problems with the flow of the song and a few lines could have been worded better (we break apart, but come together the same). There’s a few forced rhymes as well such as shields and yields.


18. HausOfNiko – Graffiti
This is one of your more solid concepts. There were quite a few issues still. The meter is off in the song which just makes it lose all sense of flow and makes a lot of your words seem forced (such as the air/there rhyme). There were some awkward word choices as well, such as spray. Try using something less abrasive sounding. The repetitive lines were the best but still could use some meter fixes and lyrical honing.


19. mxtthewdelrey – Girls World Talkshow
This was really cheesy, and not really in a good way. A lot of the lines don’t really make sense, especially in the first two stanzas. I assume the girls world talkshow has to do with young girls using their imaginations, but there really isn’t enough context to make any sort of conclusion. The FREAK SHOW thing at the end also seemed unnecessary and extra. This kinda felt like a mix between a PC music song and a Melanie Martinez song, neither of which I’m a huge fan of. There were a few things that worked still. The ring thing with the pizza boy and parents was mildly cute.


20. Bloo – In the Morning
There was nothing particularly inspiring in the lyrics here. Everything felt extremely basic and clichéd, from the first “one step forward and two steps back” line on. The mood was conflicting as well, as it seemed like a song about doubting a relationship until you said “you always make me smile”. Next week try to include more interesting imagery and metaphors. You have your flow relatively down, so you can definitely experiment with making your song more lyrically interesting.

[Temporal]

Originally posted by Jaxswim

Thanks boo! I don't understand the first sentence though?

You talked in this thread like you were the worst writer ever, so that lowered my expectations. But from what I had seen in S8, you lived up to them. That help?

Originally posted by Dylobs

a tepid review from Temporal

Your score was just outside my T10

Originally posted by Alesus

are you posting batch 3 only when you get to the next page?

No, I'm sorry! We haven't reviewed that far yet! Probably tomorrow!

[TheCheetahwings]

34. TheCheetahWings - Stagnant (Interlude)
I love the first stanza AKA chorus: "You were a nightmare... Nightmares are only dreams" was absolutely stunning. I could write a dissertation on that section alone. My main issue was the structure of the even numbered verses, repentance/sense was an odd rhyme, "lying in the grass" turned me off for a reason I can't quite articulate, and the flow in those verses was hard to follow (mainly the last three lines). However, the shift from "lying in the grass" to "staring at the glass" to "lying in the glass" was absolutely amazing as well, and sort of redeemed that line. Loved this!

I'm glad you liked it so much Thank you I was honestly really nervous about this entry

[6 Apple St]

i demand a refund!

[MattyTacos]

Originally posted by ClarksonSlays

33. MattyTacos - The Whole World is Watching Me (Intro)
Your concepts and ideas are always interesting, and you do a fairly good job executing them, but I feel like the fundamentals of songwriting still plague you. The stressing on strings/well-being was off, me/lovely was a corny rhyme with the line of the latter being trite, and the meter did get off at points. The "sunrise" line came out of nowhere (it was poorly included), and you did a little too much showing than telling with too little nuance. I was also unsure about ending your intro with "my show's come to a close," perhaps you could've posed a question instead of wrapping and packaging the story all up? This was still a fairly good entry, but I was disappointed, especially after seeing another former finalist before you knocking it of the park (but I didn't punish you scorewise for that specifically).

Well...I'm glad you liked the concept at least.

[Wild Child]

My entry was a mess, I'm so lost in writing lately. I knew my AABB ABAB AAAA would come and bit me in the ass, kms.

[Temporal]

Let me throw together Swiftie's hints real quick

[Jaxswim]

Originally posted by Temporal

You talked in this thread like you were the worst writer ever, so that lowered my expectations. But from what I had seen in S8, you lived up to them. That help?

Oop I was worried about making people think that. I wasn't able to get an entry that I was 100% happy with but like I said earlier I didn't DISLIKE this, I just didn't think it would score well. Seems like good reception so far though!

[ughgabriel]

Originally posted by Temporal

Let me throw together Swiftie's hints real quick

Yas!

[jpow]

[Witch Privilege]

A semi-negative review from Clarkson, and a semi-positive from Jackson.

Middle of the pack here I come!

[Achilles.]

“my anus bleeds for the answers to you”

I am screaming at my phone screen at one in the morning.

[Cupid]

dd everyone dragging my opening line but the whole welcome to place thing was intentional to fit with the theme

[feelslikeadream]

Jackson clearly underrated Graffiti

[Temporal]

Originally posted by Witch_Privilege

A semi-negative review from Clarkson, and a semi-positive from Jackson.

Middle of the pack here I come!

how tf was i "semi-negative"

[jpow]

[TheCheetahwings]

[Citrus]

Originally posted by Achilles.

I am screaming at my phone screen at one in the morning.

Tymps is honesltly one of my top 5 members of all time, I'm living for her gig

[Temporal]

Mess at Huga snatching Jackson and I's brother feels!