Ran into a couple of roadblocks, like annoying relatives and studying for my psychology final, but El Musicologo™ has returned from the deep dark depths of his bed to give you the final sampler bites before the top 100 actually begins. Mind you, this is
not and wasn't intended to be an engaging introduction, I just need to launch into the real part already. Write me some **** like them NBC people.
This section is for basically all the shortcomers, all the losers, that tripped, fell and patted their weaves on the way to the party that is the final hunnid. The following singles are divided into two categories: "too little" for the songs whose lyrics, beats and impression gave my ears
waaaay too sloppy audible handjobs and "too late" for the ones that came out too recently to be considered. SCROLL DOWN.
Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer"
Just generally annoying at this point.
Justin Timberlake, "What Goes Around...Comes Around"
In all the contrived stupidity in this extremely overdrawn novela of a music video, are we supposed to lose sight of how the **** Scarlett Johansen got that far away from the car and died without going through the windshield?
Maroon 5, "Makes Me Wonder"
He still sounds like Kermit the Frog.
Lloyd, "Get It Shawty"
And this one looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Good Charlotte, "Dance Floor Anthem"
Yeah, I'm stickin to the original title of the song, and what?! And Joel says "trippin'". Who the **** says that anymore? Apparently too many nights crying over Duff's muff watching Moesha got to his head.
Ne-Yo, "Do You"
You know your career's in the ****in shitter when your best song to date fails to make my final list. Keep not being gay and stop shopping for sunflower bonnets in L.A. with Hayden, you ugly. 
Tiger Army, "Forever Fades Away"
I can't say anything remotely funny bout this band.
Pink, "U + Ur Hand"
As a man, am I supposed to feel bad that my dick isn't as big as hers? Just a question. 
Beyonce "Flaws and All" & Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
The decision to not put the two above songs on my list will probably be one that I will regret for at least five hours. In these songs, these two women are at the top of their ballad game. The first is an honest, forthright loosening of her tight ass weave as Bee lets her guard down and faithfully apologizes to Kelly Rowland for looking like Bambi with a wig on. The second song wasn't as cool as drugs/Amy's "Rehab" so no one cared. 
Tegan and Sara "Back In Your Head" &
Blaqk Audio "Stiff Kittens"
The androgyny blinded me, so poo-poo for two skinny femmes with who spend too much time matching their Sephora lip gloss with the color of their newly shaved twats. Oh, and Tegan and Sara too.
Mya, "Ridin"
Because damn near EVERYONE got sick of this song. It was EVERYWHERE. 
Fall Out Boy, "I'm Like A Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & U)"
Typing that is an honor in itself. 
Too Late:
Janet Jackson, "Feedback"
The most insistent pair of titties in the world is still trying.
Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
Jamie Lynn. So how bout them apples, folks? 
M.I.A. "Paper Planes"
She's SOOOO gonna kill us all one of these days. Till then, this chunk of head-bobbing chunk of subversion.
Ashlee Simpson, "Outta My Head"
Working with Timbaland now. What a revolutionary.
Chris Brown, "With You"
He needs a good ****in Kleenex to clear out that boogery nose of his to sing better. On a good note, It sounds like Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me" + "Irreplaceable".
The White Stripes, "Conquest"
Just ****ing hotness.
And now for the horror, the ten worst songs of 2007, AKA...
Okay so, first off. "Crank Dat" or "Crank That" or "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" or "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)" is not that ****in bad, at all. It is purely delivered as a party song from a ****ing kid bored with making excessive cuts in his eyebrows with steel drums and a gay little dance to go along with it? Do I think this song should have been on top of the Hot 100 charts for seven ****in weeks?
NOOOOO. There were in fact, ten songs that were more agrravating, more irritating, and even wrist-slittingly unbearable than this one. Here they are.
10. Colbie Calliat, "Bubbly"
In a year where singer-songriters found their careers in the shitters
(Vanessa Carlton), this bitch outshined them all by making the most
succesful song to obviously be about nothing in a long time. "It starts
at my toes, makes me crinkle my nose, wherever it goes, I always know". IT'S CALLED
SENSATION, YOU DUMB BITCH. If I ever meet you by chance somewhere, hopefully you can write a song about how nice my knife felt dancing along your clavicle. Talentless kumbaya singing twat.
MOM?! COULD YOU TELL WHOEVER IT IS THAT'S SODOMIZING A NEWBORN KITTEN AND SCRATCHING SHENENE NAILS ALONG A CHALKBOARD TO KINDLY STOP CUZ I'M TRYNA LISTEN TO THIS SONG?
[mom responds]
me: WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!
08. Robin Thicke, "Lost Without You"
This year, everyone's closet R. Kelly came out with the sudden
popularity of this song that sounds like it came off one of those Bed,
Bath & Beyond CDs. It sounds like perfect song to relieve yourself to
after downing an entire 40 oz or after having taken part in Nathan's hot
dog eating competition. However, I was made aware of the shocking truth when someone told me this shitasterpiece was supposed to be about *NO!* undying love. UGHHHH. Really? His stool-soothing whisper screams "ZOMG maybe if I don't use falsetto people will think I'm a more talented white boy than Justin Timberlake!" Wrong. You should have stayed the old bummy bohemian of five years past with that great "When I Get You Alone" instead of becoming the audio alternative to Ex-Lax. Sick 2Girls1Cup masturbating mother****er.
This asshole looks like a snowman made solely out of ****, where lack of talent and general unsightlyness where a carrot nose is supposed to go. "Beautiful Girls" picks up where Shaggy left off, a fake Jamaican accent paired with paper thin lyrics for a song. The peak of this ball receding horror is when confesses this said woman (presumably Little Debbie) had him "suicidal". My question is why the **** hasn't anyone helped him yet? I mean, looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame feasted on Star Jones' liposunctioned fat and then had Snuffleupagus for dessert, how could you deny this kid a wish like that? Shame on you.
06. Silversun Pickups, "Lazy Eye"
Is undecipherable whispering over a boring ass bass line, ****** ****in guitar and wack as drums supposed to be ****ing cool? Am I supposed to be drawn to the fact that for about a month and a half on MTV (when they had this video in rotation as a Discover & Download feature) I had to listen to what sounded like a mute trying to sound rhythmic and endearing? NO. **** you hipster band, **** your song, and **** that Natalie Portman looking bitch with the way too short haircut in that little ****** club with all your uncoordinated rhythmless faggy fans.
05. Boys Like Girls, "The Great Escape"
How many more songs does America need from bored suburban kids seeking to "break out?" Break the **** out of what? Oh no, woe is me I'm a bored upperclass Caucasian Protestant male with my own hybrid Honda Civic, I'm so ****ing oppressed! Waaaaaaa! Maybe these skinny-as-**** pillowbiters are talking bout escaping the 3rd dimension. We all know these guys lose weight by giving each other rimjobs until they vomit, just to fit into those size zero Mudd jeans. I hope they choke on their puke and never get around to exposing more wretched **** like this to the masses.
04. Shop Boyz, "Party Like A Rockstar"
If there were ever a song to cancel out the entire civil rights movement
and **** on every principle Martin Luther King stood for, this would be
it. I thank God every day that this insult to desegregation just missed the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100, peaking at #2. And I hope Marilyn Manson finds these coon mother****ers and beats the living **** out of them. Go ****in "party in Kentucky at 3 AM" is more like it.
03. Hurricane Chris, "A Bay Bay"
There is nothing I'd rather do after being tormented by this song 3259572359034 times over the summer than assrape this ****in Da Brat looking piece of **** with a 9 millimeter. Without lube. Safety off. Morbid? Yes. Justified? Dayyyyum skippy.
02. Nelly, "Wadsyaname"
While the world goes to hell in a handbasket, I have to be thankful that this insult to human ears never became a hit. He lifts the piano loop from K-Ci & Jojo's "All My Life" and turns it into what sounds like a death-knell for all human beings on Earth.
01. Blake Lewis, "Break Anotha"
Dear Blake,
I hate you with every muscle and fiber in my body. With this one song alone, you have skyrocketed to a level of revulsion far beyond the view of even the strongest telescope. Your existence is a ****ing accident and you mistake oral tics and a douchebag personality to mean talent and the ability to beatbox. At one point in this song, it sounds like someone stuffed a beehive into a funnel, and then lodged the funnel as far into my ear canal as possible, THEN, hit that **** as hard as they could with a ****ing baseball bat. (No seriously, go download it) You need to be ****ing sentenced to death by simultaneous electric chair and machine gun. Do the earth a favor and just off yourself.
Love,
Me <3333
THE PARTY OFFICIALLY GETS STARTED TOMORROOOOOOOOOWWWWW! w00t!!!!!
The first ten of my top 100 songs of thouthouseven will be unveiled manana. Be there or die.
