| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Aww looks like I missed the Top10 again  I feel like Demi. I don't think I'll get eliminated though so maybe i ll snatch next round
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 35,912
|
My album my rules!
[donatella gif]
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
|
I think my top 10 streak has ended.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
No shade but I think my writing was a little too English, since Oral didn't get my grammatically correct English language plays at all.  |
Hmmm 
Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
I'm considering changing my name to Witch_Privelege, since everyone spells it that way.
|
SORRY 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Batch 2
Quote:
21. Oreguy - Chances (Interlude)
First thought: this should've been an intro. Your vocabulary and style were good, but the message was muddy. The first stanza - mostly the first two couplets - were pretty and mysterious (nitpick: "dead' was redundant in this case), but the second stanza really lost me. Why are they fighting? Who are they fighting (are the bodies fighting each other)? "As they stayed losing / Expect a laugh from everyone" was awkward grammatically, and really killed the atmosphere you set up before it. Who is the "we" in the final stanza? The bodies or the audience? The last line of the piece really could've punched if there was better setup before it. All of that being said, if you don't let your style cloud your subject, I think you could do fairly well in this competition.
22. JPOW - Something Wonderful (Intro)
It's amazing how flow and meter can really elevate a song, and this is living proof of it. Your flow was really great, both conceptually and metrically, and though that far exceeded your style, it really helped bring this all together anyways. The first stanza really confused me, but after finishing the whole thing and reading it again, I really liked it! "Galaxy's gaze through the eyes of the crazed," was a brilliant line. I kind of wish that for "I’m under the spell of the sights and sounds" in the second verse that you'd have removed the "I'm" from the line to make it lead into the "It's something magical" by saying something like "I'm feeling ___" so that there's somewhat less redundancy (you say you're under a spell, so yeah, it is magical!). A really nice entry JPOW!
23. Tylerbv - The Door (Intro)
Again, after so many entries had issues with meter, this was really refreshing. This was a biT too poem-y while the other major issues were rhyming and meaning. Wondered/Thunder was particularly noteworthy since "Thunder" didn't pair well with "possibilities" and was really only there to fill the rhyme. Not sure what you meant by "you could never exist," since, well, we do, but if you were trying to say the "answers" couldn't exist, "you" certainly wasn't the right word. "Scratched your slate" was a really weird phrase to use as well, and that stanza, in general, was weird (3rd line especially). Overall, this was a different entry, and one that I appreciated, but it felt like you were trying too hard with your style.
24. Wild Child - Escaped (Interlude)
I SCREAMED as soon as I saw the opening line mentioned chains, it's become so much of a PH cliché unfortunately. Tense was oddly an issue in this entry: "I wouldn't had" was grammatically incorrect, it should've been "have last(ed)" instead of "had last," and your tense shifted from the past to present between the last two lines of the third stanza. Meter was a little wonky as well (not terrible though), and your rhyme scheme changed with each stanza (1st was AABB, 2nd was ABAB and the 3rd was AAAA). "Golden meadow" felt like a contrived image as well. Though I somewhat enjoyed this entry, I can't help but feel that you tried pandering here.
25. Buyonce1814 - I (Interlude)
This was a biT too long in terms of lines, but most of them were short so I'll let you slide! And yes, interludes and intros are a little more free in terms of structure and poemy-ness, but I think you went a bit too far with it (in the challenge I specifically made sure to say "song"). You said in the thread that if we took this entry "literally" it would just be about lunch in Starbucks, but how the **** am I NOT supposed to interpret "As I lick the sweet and sticky, caramel topped, whipped cream from the plastic black spoon" literally?? Okay, enough lashing, this served Lemonade interludes so hard. The second stanza was wicked, I loved it (even though it was still too poemy)! The subject was a bit too shallow for your style, you wrote a pretty epic entry, and then to have it mixed in with "Starbucks" imagery, it was really jarring and just didn't work. As a poem, I loved this, even though the subject was shallow, but as a song, which I'm grading it as, I have to take points off for not exactly adhering to the challenge.
26. ughgabriel - Psychotropics (Intro)
FINALLY, I can say that at the very least, a few lines here scalped me! The second stanza and third stanzas were everything! Unfortunately, you broke down with the last two stanzas: the vocabulary felt forced and weighed down your style (ex. "the genesis to a new state of mind"), and the lines became too long. There's a fine line between 1) Poem and song 2) Excessive and poetic vocabulary, and I think you crossed a few too many times here.
27. YoungCalifornia - I Knew A Kid (Interlude)
Uh-oh, the first rap entry! I thought your flow was pretty good, and stylistically it was fairly solid, but almost everything about this was corny. Not to reduce your struggles or anything, but I feel like this topic and the way you handled it has been SO many times before and you didn't bring anything new to it. "They would laugh at comedy" wasn't the way to express what you were going for.
28. Ceremonials - Madness Ends (Outro)
I think you overhyped this a bit, but it's still good. I thought the way you handled this topically and stylistically was a bit daring, and it paid off for the most part. Meter was a slight issue here, enough for me to notice it when breaking it down, but it didn't affect my reading of this too much, but the rhyme scheme switch (AABB to ABCC) in the last stanza killed the flow for me. By far my biggest issue was the line "'In the face of every challenge, why is it that you run?'" since this isn't Victorian England I just find anyone saying this to someone - especially someone on their death bed - not believable, and it's super apparent here that you're fighting with the structure and meter of your piece. I was also confused by who the "you" was (they left, then they're "taken" as in killed I suppose?) and I guess the "she/her" was your mom? This was probably written about some AHS episode that I've forgotten if I had to guess, but I don't think this outro was an effective method for you to communicate a story that needed more detail.
29. Petals - Petals (Intro)
This is your PH debut, right? Well, I think you have a quick fix that will make your writing much stronger: less forced rhymes. Dusk/Husk was a SUPER forced rhyme (it felt like you were writing around the rhyme much more than allowing the rhyme to write for YOU), as well as Near/Tear, Bright/Light, and It/Hit. "I am drowning" was a bit clunky, in general, contractions in songwriting feel a lot more natural. The rhyming really held this piece back, because it felt like this entire piece revolved around it, even the story felt like it had to be written around and changed to fit the rhyme scheme, and ultimately every problem I find feels related to that very issue. Interested to see what you come up with should you fix that issue, though.
30. Navyofbadgals - Black Sand (Intro)
Same issue with the entry above you, you had some forced rhymes. Sand/wasteland was terribly forced (referring to the "wasteland" by name in the second line again was also clunky btw), as well as Shame/Blame. Also, "Creaty" isn't a word! I also didn't like how you explicitly watered down your metaphor in the final stanza by telling was what it was: "My sadness is my black sand." We should be able to figure that out without you telling us that. If you would've said something like "I'm standing on my sorrow" or whatever, we would've picked that up, and I could give you points for a clever metaphor. When you said that line as well, I couldn't help but think of the Björk line "My heart is an enormous lake" in her song "BLACK Lake" so now I'm wondering if that's where you picked up "inspiration" for this entire song. The image and focus of the song on "Black Sand" was still different and interesting!
31. SorryI'mLuke - Refresh (Intro)
This was too choppy, and like the TWO entries above you, too many forced rhymes. When you split your lines by commas, I could deal with that if you kept it up in a deliberate and specific way (say, every even numbered line), but it seemed that you only threw those types of lines in when you couldn't fit the meter without them. As for the rhymes, I don't think there was a single non-forced rhyme here (except maybe Away/Mistake). Near rhymes are your friend! Perfect rhymes very rarely work, and that's especially true here. The point of the intro as well was to introduce us to a larger body of work, but I feel that you ended up covering an entire story. A cute intro (for me) would've been you're about to commit suicide, you're dousing yourself with gasoline and whatnot, then you hear that "hello" and the intro ends so that the audience is left wanting more! Overall this was okay, but I know you're capable of better.
32. Achilles. - Red Carpet Funeral (Intro)
A Beyoncé reference, a risky move for a panel with only one Hive member!  When I first read your genre, I literally messaged the other judges like "wtf" is this, but your flow was SO good that I sang this in my head in a showtuney way without even thinking about it! Topically, this was ****ing crazy, and I ****ing loved it. It was so outthere, and your lyrics really represented that. The synchronization of the style and topic was excellent and elevated this to a really high level. It reminds me of Rihanna's "Mad House" intro on Rated R in a way (probably because I LOVE that intro as well). Really my one issue was the Dust/Interest rhyme since that rhyme was a bit too distant to work (I kept reading it as inTRUST). You're on your way to pulling a ClarksonSlays this season I see!
33. MattyTacos - The Whole World is Watching Me (Intro)
Your concepts and ideas are always interesting, and you do a fairly good job executing them, but I feel like the fundamentals of songwriting still plague you. The stressing on strings/well-being was off, me/lovely was a corny rhyme with the line of the latter being trite, and the meter did get off at points. The "sunrise" line came out of nowhere (it was poorly included), and you did a little too much showing than telling with too little nuance. I was also unsure about ending your intro with "my show's come to a close," perhaps you could've posed a question instead of wrapping and packaging the story all up? This was still a fairly good entry, but I was disappointed, especially after seeing another former finalist before you knocking it of the park (but I didn't punish you scorewise for that specifically).
34. TheCheetahWings - Stagnant (Interlude)
I love the first stanza AKA chorus: "You were a nightmare... Nightmares are only dreams" was absolutely stunning. I could write a dissertation on that section alone. My main issue was the structure of the even numbered verses, repentance/sense was an odd rhyme, "lying in the grass" turned me off for a reason I can't quite articulate, and the flow in those verses was hard to follow (mainly the last three lines). However, the shift from "lying in the grass" to "staring at the glass" to "lying in the glass" was absolutely amazing as well, and sort of redeemed that line. Loved this!
35. Jaxswim - Welcome to Me (Intro)
This was pretty good, slightly above the level I expected given your self-depreciating, but around the level of what I remembered. The flow in the first verse was great, and there was just about the right amount of bluntness for it to work. The second verse however presented issues: Glee/Me was so forced, the "uh-uh" felt unnecessary, and the self-empowerment lyrics were kinda bland ("Words aren't gonna hold me back"). The third verse lacked a lot of lyrical substance (the me/me rhymes were risky), but I got the emotion from it.
36. Ausdaniel - Grand Debut (Intro)
WRITE me off, not RIDE me off  That was a kii. This was good, but there were a few issues: your flow was generally strong, but it was disrupted in the 4th stanza and the last line of the 2nd. The "I stand at heaven's gate" line was a bit redundant with the preceding line, and "knock, knock" in the 4th stanza would've flowed better than just "knock," and the repetition of "grand debut" made the phrase lose its luster. Still, this was probably the strongest thing I've read from you, and a really nice entry!
37. Dylobs - Exorcism (Intro)
"Uncoiling sanity" and "This is the exorcism of myself from me" were wicked lines (positive thing). However, there were one too many metaphors here. The chasm, the exorcism and building metaphors didn't all line up properly, though individually they all could have worked. Your vocabulary throughout was good but "Inwardly" was a weird word to use, and its rhyme didn't help its case. Still, this fit the challenge well and was overall a job well done.
38. feelslikeadream - W. 37th Street (Intro)
You know I accidentally dragged your coronation song (hihi) so I was worried I wouldn't like this, but bitch this was brilliant. So simple, but so carefully executed, and it was the perfect setup for an intro. I'd be interested to see how you could make an entire album out of "homeliness," but that's beside the point of this competition. My only super minor issues were as follows: I wish the 3rd line of the 3rd stanza wouldn't have been disrupted and would've flown all the way through like the other lines, and I thought the line you choose for the title was a bit odd (since 37th street felt a little forced), but those are such nitpicks. You did good Fefe. Show no mercy to these other hoes.
39. keshaspearsxo - Companion (Intro)
That 2nd stanza, though! Really nice. Your style was really beautiful and nuanced throughout this song. I suppose my overall issue would be that you refer to things as if we know what the are: i.e. "the filter," "my weak attempt at you" (What was your "attempt" at them and why was it "foolish?"). Begun/companion didn't line up stress wise, but that might be a British thing! I also thought this was a bit more of an interlude than an outro, but I could see it working as an outro to a slightly lesser extent. Nice job.
40. Citrus - Toothbrush (Interlude)
The PLAGIARISM of DNCE! Recommendation: don't put periods at the ends of your lines, it makes your piece feel more like a poem. This was a great fit for the challenge. The rhyme scheme change, which I would normally drag, was really nicely executed, you used it exactly when you needed to. Unfortunately, this was too poem-y, and too colloquial (though cute). Things/rings was slightly forced, and "em" felt unnatural given the rest of the language you choose. Besides those things, I hate you for hitting me right in my hopeless romantic feels, I hope you rot in straight hell bitch.
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Hmmm
SORRY |
I'll forgive you if you PM me my song, because I never saved a final version of it.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
I guess there's still a small chance but Swiftie and 8th would have to have scored me really high.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
|
Quote:
|
I appreciate that you took a risk with this. But for me, it didn’t pay off.
|
If I ever got a comment like this I'd report you until you were banned. 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
|
Thank you for the great review Clarkson, I can see what you mean about that one part of the song though
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
I'll forgive you if you PM me my song, because I never saved a final version of it.
|
After all this chaos subsides, sure.
I'm posting 8th's first batch reviews too! 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
I TOLD hugamari to fix that and I thought he said he was going to, but here we are.
|
I did fix it, but I didn't resubmit because I didn't want to bother the judges with another entry to read, given there are SO MANY.  Judging from the 2 judges Top 10 so far, I don't think it was all that big of a deal
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
|
Quote:
35. Jaxswim - Welcome to Me (Intro)
This was pretty good, slightly above the level I expected given your self-depreciating, but around the level of what I remembered. The flow in the first verse was great, and there was just about the right amount of bluntness for it to work. The second verse however presented issues: Glee/Me was so forced, the "uh-uh" felt unnecessary, and the self-empowerment lyrics were kinda bland ("Words aren't gonna hold me back"). The third verse lacked a lot of lyrical substance (the me/me rhymes were risky), but I got the emotion from it.
|
Thanks boo! I don't understand the first sentence though?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/4/2014
Posts: 24,453
|
lol. I tried to be like somehow metaphorical on my entry but I guess it didn't really work 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
 a tepid review from Temporal
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
|
**** Creaty was a typo 
Dd and it was not inspired by Black Lake because I have never even heard of that song before 
But thanks for the critique, I'll try to work on it
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
|
are you posting batch 3 only when you get to the next page?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
|
not 100% negative
i'll take it
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
|
guess batch 3 will be tmrw
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
|
Quote:
|
I hope you rot in straight hell bitch.
|
Do what u want with my body.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/28/2011
Posts: 39,615
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Speezy
guess batch 3 will be tmrw |
Oh, well, then I have no business being here anymore.
Night!
|
|
|
|
|
|
