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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Who are all the ppl who started PH last year?
Me
Gabriel
Colton.
Truffle 
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I did 
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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S8 lurker is Navyofbadgals
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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1. oh baby - hug
2. something about lightning - jpow
2. traffic is sooo bad today - fefe
4. steam oceans away on soundcloud - dylobs
4. lurking since s6 - cheetahwings
4. lurking since s8 - [b]
4. tropico - gabriel
4. i knew it was you! - conatus
4. stop stealing my name and my title thank u - jaxswim
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
4. stop stealing my name and my title thank u - jaxswim
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waiT, does he have a song called Welcome To Me
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
S8 lurker is Navyofbadgals
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that's it! congratz guys
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
1. oh baby - hug
2. something about lightning - jpow
2. traffic is sooo bad today - fefe
4. steam oceans away on soundcloud - dylobs
4. lurking since s6 - cheetahwings
4. lurking since s8 - Bagels
4. tropico - gabriel
4. i knew it was you! - conatus
4. stop stealing my name and my title thank u - jaxswim
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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 Batch 1
Quote:
1. Wonderlust - Intro
This was way too short. You can't make an impression with a song that at its core is 5 lines. Though this might have worked as an actual song, this is a lyric writing competition as we have stressed, and there were hardly any here.
2. Nait Phoenix - Underneath the Skin (Intro)
"I am a message clear as day," you say, yet this song really isn't. I just found myself a bit confused, the first verse feels jumbled with nonsensical imagery. Are you saying that your body's flaws can be interpreted as something beautiful? I assume that's what you were going for; your second and third stanza made it appear that way. The third stanza was a bit clearer but very long winded. Your rhythm and rhyme scheme were solid throughout, though, and the concept was cute, and especially worked for an intro. I think you should take some more time with your entry next week.
3. Bey Admired - Red Sky (Intro)
This served so much Lemonade tea! That being said, I think you relied too heavily on profanity to get your point across; you can be scornful without it, and I think that scorn is even more powerful when you DON'T curse. I also wish you would've broken down the "Red Sky" idea a bit more, but I think I got the gist of it. Overall, I liked it, but I expect the rest of the panel had mixed reactions.
4. Xedretinz Lododnz - Black and White (Intro)
I get the "Black & White" concept of illustrating contrast in our lives - happy and sad etc. - but I really don't know what you're talking about way too often (ex. "When change is just so relevant/Makes nothing to be important" and "Melodious drums are knocked about," which, is a funny phrase since drums don't have melodies!). "Burst you out" was also a weird phrase to use and "Everything we feel never tame our hearts," should be TAMES right? There just weren't any knockout couplets here that blew me away and there weren't any strong images or ideas to latch onto here, unfortunately.
5. E-Raine - Love Persona
I feel bad because I could tell your entry was very genuine, but this just didn't work. If this was a short, spoken word poetry contest, maybe. But even then the vocabulary and substance just weren't there, with 3-word lines and 8 lines total. I thought the cadence at the end was cute at least.
6. Vision - Cruel Kingdom (Intro)
Small word choices/hiccups really held this back, unfortunately. You open up with "Welcome to the king of nothing" but shouldn't "welcome to" refer to a place? Did you mean "kingdom" there? The "they" in "Secret are the thoughts they run" is SCREAMING to be "that" instead, and "I'm bitten once before" was also weird grammatically. Was "Instinct of" supposed to be "Instinctive?" After all of that, though, I think you have a LOT of potential as a writer. The meter and rhyming were solid, the "prey" instead of "pray" was an interesting play, and your concept was really interesting. I wanted to like this a little bit more than I did, but nonetheless this was an above average entry.
7. Macrocycle - I'm Sorry I Have To Quit Sorry Temporal (Intro)
I know you've had a rough two seasons and no one knows if you're sending troll entries or not, but I thought this was somewhat decent. There was only one egregious line - "stop the hate and start the music" - which was definitely trolly, but otherwise, this entry was tolerable, which might have been the troll in itself!
8. Tymps. - Metacognition of the Big Toe Aphrodisiac
Vape Queen was better  The second verse was brilliant, though!
9. Hugamari - Welcome to the World (Intro)
I thought that this conceptually was very cute, and in terms of working as an intro, absolutely perfect. It hits home a bit for me since I had a brother born last month  As for the song itself, the first verse's rhymes were way too predictable as was blow/go in the third. And "froze" should be "frozen," right? Otherwise, I thought this was very nice and really refreshing.
10. Moonchild - Missed Connections (Interlude)
This was solid. This perfectly worked as an interlude! As expected, your rhyme scheme, meter and stressing are proficient, and I liked the variation in the stanza structure. The different connotations of "missed connections" was a nice touch as well. My quarrels were relatively minor: the "and Jack Daniels is my only friend" was kinda clunky and unnecessary, and I wanted the "These missed connections" in the second stanza to have something to them (what about them?). Though I kinda picked up what you were going for with that, it doesn't really come through as clearly as it should. I also wanted some lines to punch, and while the third stanza had the best lyrics by far, I wasn't snatched as a whole. As I said, though, this was still a solid entry.
11. UFO - In My Head (Intro)
Your first line -"Footsteps echo the pulse between my lungs" - is SO confusing. I read it multiple times and got a different interpretation every time. The "mirage of flowers" bit was also a bit jarring, that's such a specific image and not one I'd expect to be a mirage (if that makes sense). The 2nd half of the 2nd verse was really bland, especially in comparison to the pretty diverse language around it; should the "to" in line 2, 3rd stanza be "of" instead? Either way, that stanza was confusing as well. Despite those issues, I really liked the repetition of "knock, knock, knock," and I did pick up a sense of insanity and despair. Looking at your chart runs from the past two seasons, you seem to under ball the first few rounds before kicking it into high gear, so I'm not holding this entry against you.
12. KeshasFansRose - He's Changed Me (Intro)
I appreciated that I could see that you really had this song fully fleshed out in your head. It made the lyrics more belivable in a way. As for critique, I think it should've been "a" war of hate not "the," especially since that idea is a bit ambigious, and "bring a rememberance to those" was weird grammatically as well. My biggest frustration however was "Lies he changed me" since that phrase is so choppy and its repeated so often. Even a comma after "lies" would've made it a little better and easer to understand (same is true for "lost my halo blew it out for life"). It was the choppiness of this overall entry that held it back. The recap at the end where things changed to past tense felt contrived as well, especially since your intro shouldn't cover a whole story but rather introduce it. However, conceptually and lyrically you had some nice ideas going on here, and for that I could see it working as an intro.
13. Truffle. - For You (Intro)
I was initially terrified that you were going to send in a rap entry and I'd be left without analytic tools, so for that reason I'm glad this was a song (lol)! ANYWAYS, I thought this was pretty nice! It flowed nicely (meter-wise), and the lyrics weren't overly superfluous and complicated, in that way this shined it its simplicity. I liked that you took cliches and added a new layer to them - my favorite line was the last one! The one overarching main issue was that this entry hopped around in terms of the subject: the first stanza was broad, the second stanza you're walking on a "yellow brick road" and then the last you're suddenly standing in front of a mirror? That made this entry feel stitched together conceptually as opposed to one that flowed plotwise. Overall I was impressed!
14. CountryBritney - Transcendental Dream (Intro)
You / Make / Me / Feel like I'm living a / Transcendental Dream! No? Okay. I'm never one to say this, but I think that this read too much like a poem and not a song. I just can't imagine lines like "I discovered the fact / Your soul is not what it seems" being sung (that couplet by far was my least favorite overall), and part of that is due to the language you chose. You can have really clever language and have it flow - see like, any Mariah song - but here the ambiguity of "they" and "there" in combination with this really specific language created conflict. Conceptually this felt somewhat conflicted as well, as opposed to being left interested and intrigued by what you could offer next after the intro, I was just confused. I know this is a lot of critique or ~negative feedback~ but your score was still rather average from me if that's of any comfort.
15. FCKNAmbrosia - Ain't No Joint (Interlude)
Ooooo Reggae! This seems to be an overarching issue throughout a majority of the entries so let me make an announcement: Everyone, grammar, specifically commas, are your friend! Your entry really struggled with that, as well as being too poem-y, "'Your faith in my decisions should be transparent'" is like a sentence out of a Virginia Woolf novel, not a ""Platinum Hit"". "The way you moved all day your hips" either needed a comma after "day" or I need to yell at you for construing a really weird inverted sentence. This might have been a really pretty poem, your vocabulary is nice, but there isn't the slightest sense of musicality here, and I'm pretty baffled at how you managed to assign a specific genre to such a non-melodic piece.
16. Conatus - Interlude
I was initially going to drag you for "newborn windows" but "virgin sunlight" was brilliant so I'll let it slide! I didn't have a lot of problems with this, only minor quarrels. Your meter/stressing were solid throughout, the sentence structure was really interesting, and rhyme scheme was gr8. However, there were a few too many corny moments: scrub/love, the flowers sprouting couplet (super cliche and you didn't bring anything new to the idea), and the last two lines of the second stanza. A really nice entry nonetheless.
17. Witch_Privelege - Twin Flames (Intro)
I'm glad you submitted an actual entry as opposed to a troll one! I really liked the concept and title. However, connection/affection, flame/same, shift/drift were SUPER forced rhymes, and, in general, the rhymes were predictable. I would encourage you to try out more near rhymes as opposed to perfect ones for your next entry. You're on the right track!
18. HausOfNiko - Graffiti (Intro)
Your language and vocabulary have gotten a lot better, but your meter was still wildly unpredictable. I think if your lines were a bit shorter, you'd have a better grip of the meter in general, but the variation in syllable counts alone was really distracting. I didn’t get what the point of "I can feel the oxygen circulating in the air" was, it just felt like a useless (and almost ironic) line, even with the "breath" line following it. I don't get how a memory can be "impulsive" (at least in the way you used it), and the use of "dying" was really jarring and didn't feel appropriate for what you were talking about (how do these teenagers get involved with death and why is it mentioned so casually??). I thought your concept at the very least was cute, and again, your language has improved, but if you can't drastically improve your meter and start counting syllables there won't be much that we can do. Try the Rappad link in the OP and see if that helps!
19. mxtthewdelrey - Intro: Girl's World Talkshow
I appreciate that you took a risk with this. But for me, it didn’t pay off.
20. Bloo - In the Morning (Intro)
I'm glad you submitted! I was worried you wouldn't. Unfortunately, the basics really weren't here - there wasn't a rhyme scheme(!!), meter was meh - this was pretty cliché and it didn't nail the challenge aside from its length. I imagine you threw this together within a few minutes, and for what it's worth, the lyrics themselves weren't that bad, they were just average. However, I'd imagine you can put together some solid lyrics if you put your mind to it!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
41. Citrus Interlude: Toothbrush
Hopefully a DNCE cover.
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No it's about a girl falling in love with her electric toothbrush when she realized she can't afford a vibrator
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
that's it! congratz guys
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Omg slé 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Way to go fellow HT judge Bagels!
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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okay, idk what to think but if I really scored top 10 on Jackson's list
I don't really dislike my song I just didn't think it would score well
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Way to go fellow HT judge Bagels!
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You especially, snatching the competition
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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No shade but I think my writing was a little too English, since Oral didn't get my grammatically correct English language plays at all. 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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I'm considering changing my name to Witch_Privelege, since everyone spells it that way.
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Thank you, Temporal! 
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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i want to see the reviews for my entry
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
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And "froze" should be "frozen," right
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I TOLD hugamari to fix that and I thought he said he was going to, but here we are.
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
I'm considering changing my name to Witch_Privelege, since everyone spells it that way.
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Those people spell it incorrectly. Don't mind them.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 58,053
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I'm gonna be dragged for my entry.
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